abbynormal Posted August 28, 2006 Report Share Posted August 28, 2006 I haven't posted in quite a while. Gone into chat and visited but that is different than posting. Revealing yourself out there to be rejected or loved or hurt or accepted.. which is it? It doesn't matter any more. I have been spirialing down hill these last few weeks. So weak, so alone and what a fool. That is where the end always is... you are born alone, you live alone, and then you die alone. I stood on the breakwater of the lake last night. The wind was blowing, the sky amazing, air was crisp, so much beauty and then there was me. I am not deserving enough to even be there to witness such a thing let alone be part of it. The dark water was calling me to jump but I am such a chicken. I am so scared, too many conflicts, too many what ifs. What if.... I could meet all of you that I have feel close to, I would take your pain from you and take it with me to the bottom of the lake. What if.. I could take what is in my heart and fill every lonely person up with the intensity of my feelings. But I am left to just me. The inadequate, crazy one. My parts saved me for years and now perhaps they will be the death of me. Just so you all know here..... I cared. I really did. I just was imperfect. Abby Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Martin Posted August 28, 2006 Report Share Posted August 28, 2006 hey abby, sorry if i didnt give u the time u deserved in chat tonite, just got waliaid....It is nice to be "at one" with nature, but like u say, it can also empty yourself...it sounds beatiful sitting with natural surroundings,I hope i am still your friend over the sea!?! Please take special care mate.....Spliffy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Betsy Posted August 28, 2006 Report Share Posted August 28, 2006 abby,all of us are imperfect. it is of no consequence. i am sorry for your pain. maybe if you were to post more it would help it not be so intense.bets Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abbynormal Posted August 28, 2006 Author Report Share Posted August 28, 2006 Spliffy, Betsy,Tears fall down...... my heart aches.... I wish i could hug both of you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
verntheconfused Posted August 28, 2006 Report Share Posted August 28, 2006 Abby honey,we all want you here. I know exactly how you feel, I really do. You are not alone.Please take care of yourself and if you wanna talk to me, just message me or something.Take care,Vern Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jai Posted August 28, 2006 Report Share Posted August 28, 2006 ((((((Abby))))))this is a rough time with your t away. I'm glad you found some calm waters to reflect by and you are so loving and caring towards us all here. Now you need to love and care for yourself, if that means posting more, sharing more and getting stuff off your chest we can listen.We are all imperfect Abby , its those lil imperfections that make us all unique, that my friend includes you , me and the rest of the planet....take care and don't let this one drag you down, come here and we'll help you raise your head....lovejaix Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
samsung Posted August 28, 2006 Report Share Posted August 28, 2006 hey abbychat is chaotic at timesplease keep posting.. there is no need for you to be alone..((((((((((abby)))))))))))i want to be with you... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Holmstack Posted August 28, 2006 Report Share Posted August 28, 2006 (((((((Abbey)))))))You will get through this and we on this site are here for you. Keep posting.Best wishes and good vibes on the way,Phil Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pip Posted August 28, 2006 Report Share Posted August 28, 2006 AbbyDon't you dare go AWOLor I will get"Without a Trace" on youDo you watch that?They ALWAYS find their personYou know you are special to mepipx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tabitha Posted August 28, 2006 Report Share Posted August 28, 2006 abbey i am so sorry you in so much pain, but i do know what it feels like to feel just so overwhelmed, as if there is too much of me spilling out and not being able to explain to others the distruption of different parts conflicting. i know what its like to feel that one of your parts will be the deayh of you, but i hope that another part will help out and hold you through this. i know you feel rejected, but i certainly feel no rejection towards you, just wish i could make you feel safer. all i can do is say i'm here and send you safe hugs, friendship if that will help. please be kind to yourself you have been through enough pain luv Tabi Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mrs tree Posted August 28, 2006 Report Share Posted August 28, 2006 How long till your T comes back Abby?...remember he said you could call if you need to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abbynormal Posted August 28, 2006 Author Report Share Posted August 28, 2006 thanks all. I feel a little better today but it always is worse at night. Its not that I have just 8 more days its like I am not sure that I will be able to go back to that place of trust with him. It's stupid to say I feel abandoned... we all have our own lives. Its just I don't want to go through this pain again and keeping distance is the best defense. Mrs Tree. Thanks I did call him twice. The first time he called back I was asleep and he talked to my hubby. Said for me to call back if I needed give him a specific time to call. I called back 5 or so days later and we talked but it made it worse in a way if that makes sense. I just feel lost and floating out there... no way to ground myself like they like to say. And feeling foolish to boot. Thanks all for letting me continue to post and whine. (Someday I will share with you WINE! Much better, huh?)Abby Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
orangesoup Posted August 28, 2006 Report Share Posted August 28, 2006 ((((((((abby)))))))sorry not got the words right now.keep fighting hun. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pip Posted August 28, 2006 Report Share Posted August 28, 2006 AbbyIt is a long road- but you are almost at the end of itYour T will be back soonpipx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
realscape Posted August 28, 2006 Report Share Posted August 28, 2006 Hi AbbyI don't think you should reject either life in general or the support of this site because of the way you felt last night. Please remember that you are a valuable and worthwhile person, you deserve to have an opportunity to recover and to have a future. On days when you feel like no-one is supporting you, remember that it doesn't mean the end. It is a feeling that will pass in time. You write very well, and very emotively, so you have something to give to the world in your writing. I hope you will feel a little bit better every day.x REal Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miko Posted August 29, 2006 Report Share Posted August 29, 2006 Distance might not be bad - if it's the style that's right for our makeupThat's not the same as loneliness thoughHoping your parts see enough sense in pulling togetherxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Betsy Posted August 29, 2006 Report Share Posted August 29, 2006 abbyi always feel the intense pain of abandonment when my t goes away. it is like he ceases to exist.. and when he comes back i don't trust him for a while... but i have made it and so can you.bets Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ourmoonlitsun Posted August 29, 2006 Report Share Posted August 29, 2006 abby...I think there is much truth to what you said. I am new to this site and at times it is hard for me to read and comment because I feel I am helpless to do anything. But what you wrote really struck a cord with me. We are born alone, live alone, and die alone... I have been thinking about this a lot lately, as well. It's hard putting so much effort into things when that thought is always in your mind. But where you said you don't feel worthy of witnessing such amazing sights out on the lake, I believe no one is. See, to me, it really seems that everyone else has the distorted view of the world when they believe they are entitled to things. But what you said, to me, is the truth: none of us are worthy of it; not just you. I am not. That can be depressing to think about, but then I begin to evaluate other people and I have yet to find one that is perfect. But you see the truth of it where others don't (though I believe others on this board also see it): we are alone, always. We can get close to someone, be with them for years, but does the reality of isolation ever truly leave? I don't believe so. People die, they change their minds, and suddenly one is alone. And they had no control over it; they didn't make that choice. And if they played no part in the choice then they are seperate from it, and, thereby, alone. But when I realize I'm alone, it's not always depressing. I'm just alone and I accept it. And once I accept it, all those moments of being close to someone else is like icing on the cake; it's like a bonus. I don't expect it, and when it happens I merely appreciate it. I realize I'm going to die alone but that doesn't mean I need to live my entire life alone. This is perhaps a sad thought to many, but for me it's easier to know I will, truly, always be alone rather than expect that I will be with someone unconditionally for the rest of my life.We only really have ourselves in the end. So I totally agree with you, and while at times, I think, I feel very similiar to you, not always does the thought of really being alone bother me. I can decide things on my own and no one else has any say in the matter :-)And, in my opinion, you are much wiser to realize such things. To me, it is everyone else that is deluded if they never think such a thought. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jai Posted August 29, 2006 Report Share Posted August 29, 2006 (((((((Abby)))))))hope today feels better, only 7 days now and we are here for each one of them hon.....sending comforting hugsjai Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pip Posted August 29, 2006 Report Share Posted August 29, 2006 We are born alone, live alone, and die aloneI am alone, and feel it.I hope you are feeling less alone AbbyPatriciaxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
samsung Posted August 29, 2006 Report Share Posted August 29, 2006 ((((((((((((abby)))))))))))hope you are feeling better today.please keep talking.rachel Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abbynormal Posted August 29, 2006 Author Report Share Posted August 29, 2006 Must say I am deeply touched. I hadn't looked at this yesterday. I always feel that I am the "black sheep", the "rebel" the "odd man out"... oh that damn multiple. And I realize that is my own doing. First Betsy, what you said really made me feel better. It is always helpful for me to know that my responses aren't ....not strange... but dramatic and weak. The fact that you have a hard time trusting too gives me hope. Real, Pip, Rach, Jopo, Jai etc.. such supporting kind people you are. It resonantes from all you write, the caring, the time it takes to read about others pain and the time to respond. You are so much better than I.Ourmoonlitsun, thank you for going to where I was. I bet you understand what I mean. Hope to get to know you better.TC all... I will make it its just how I will be at the end is the question... Abby. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jai Posted August 29, 2006 Report Share Posted August 29, 2006 (((((Abby)))))we are all writing our futures still, lets hope all our endings include friendship and support always, that would be a good start...in fact i can nt think of a better way to live....take carebig hugsjaix Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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