I Want To Quit Therapy

[jai]

hes back and im lower than a low things belly...

went today for my first session in 5 weeks and ffs, if i have nt come home feeling worse than ever...i seriously dont pass on how i feel to him or i do and he is rhino skinned....

which part of i think i will end up offing myself one day is nt he getting? as for extra support i may as well stop and ask someone in the street to give me hand when i need it.....cos he aint gonna...

he made me feel more alone today than before..sure we spoke a lil about my daughter, well the stupid gp to be precise, as usual it comes down to being my fault for starting the conversation to begin with...like i did nt know....should nt open my mouth then no one gets hurt, oh and that includes me.

i thought we were supposed to be able to talk to docs, supposed to rely on compassion and understanding being part of their make up, not have to fucking teach them how to be human along the way..

anyhow, i did suggest i quit, he does nt see that going there every week is nt working towards my goals and in truth i guess i did nt want to quit right there and then..... but i am thinking about my goals and if that means therapy assists me in getting out emotions , putting them back according to someone elses way of viewing them and then basically carrying on like nothing ever happened to me....well, did nt he realise i just did that already and i am 42 , with plenty of experience at pretending to live whilst dying inside every day, with every thing i see, and everything i hear being a trigger for some fucking horrible memory...

so , im down and out .......of ideas....my best one was go buy a bag of grass and some hash and maybe smoke it all away, at least i used to smile back in those days.....long time ago now but hell,.........this is.....breath is wasted it would seem shared in my t's office

[abbynormal]

Jai,

I am so sorry. It sounds painful and hurtful and hard. I don't understand why people get in that profession and try to stay distant, detached and cold. He needs to be in your shoes for one day.. Wish I could help... JUst sending you a biggest hug ever!!!!!!!!!

Abby

[realscape]

Hi Jai

Thats a horrible situation feeling so unconnected and confused about it.

I think you need a more supportive type of therapy. That is what my psych has finally written after three years of me asking for supportive therapy. I personally haven't heard anything about your t in previous posts from the past that makes me feel comfortable that you're in the right place. That's just my own opinion, having had many and varied different types of abusive and unhelpful therapy (and one 'nice' one just to give a good point of reference).

I agree that what you have written about emotions is what the analytical therapists try to do, they want to 're-write' our emotions or history according to their own preferred belief system. They call it 'recycling and reflecting it back'. Its sort of the mental equivalent of ethnic cleansing. I feel that is wrong and abusive. I feel that this is where psychiatry and freudian based theories are abusive.

The route to overcoming your feelings in my opinion, is to fully understand what your pain is, where it comes from, how it feels, how different feelings feel and correctly identifying them. Then, once you know which feeling is which and how it feels, you can figure out what triggers it. After a while of 'self-observation' and 'self-monitoring', which takes some practise, you can understand exactly what type of things trigger exactly what feelings. Then, after a while you become less emotionally volatile and more observational. For example, it starts to feel like when you feel hungry after seeing a food advert. You think "oh, I just saw a McDonalds advert and now I feel like snacking" but you don't act on it the feelings and you know where it came from.

I'm not trying to demean the severity of your feelings but I am working through this myself and now I am more able to say to myself, "that event just triggered memories of my dad which has made me remembr feeling abandoned". Whereas before I would just be all over the place emotionally and go from 0 to 60 on the emotions highway, and not know what triggered what or what each emotion felt like or where they originated. I does feel like being in a living hell when emotions get triggered all the time, its so hard and so frustrating.

I don't know whether your therapist is helping but I think its good that you're honest with him and tell him what you're thinking.

x ((((hugs)))) Real

[Vorpalblade]

Jai, give me a call tomorrow if you want, we can talk about it. I'm around all day, sat doing schoolwork so u would be a welcome diversion :)

[ladyluck28]

(((Jai))) I don't think you should quit, but maybe try to find another T and see how that goes..I wish sometimes I had one atm but I don't until sept and that's my last day ever seeing him..i don't think I'll be gong back because the money to cover me is running out fast..sometimes I think I need him and other times I think I don't..if you're going through a hard time then it's not advisable to quit..look after you..

[realscape]

Jai, I don't know what borough you live in but I have thought a bit more abuot it because I think you need supportive therapy by women for women. In my borough there is a women's only low cost therapy centre, perhaps you could find something like that?

[Tabitha]

Jai it sounds awful, no you don't need therepy to tell you how u you should feel according to them, this is about your experience of the world and no therepist or psychitrist can know better than you how fucked up you feel, they are suppose to be there to assist, support, facilitate, talk to parts to get their view on your experience, never should it be about them. i so wish i could hug you but in the midst of sum destruction of my own. i am so sorry you hurting luv Tabi

[jai]

ty abby, real, bladey (welcome home), tabi

i feel just awful, i realise the part that struck home was when he said that i wanted to say to her how i felt but did nt expect an outcome or interpretation by her. This statement seems to resonate throughout my whole life, this is how i got to be abused....i asked a casual question about something and ended in a sexual relationship....i dont know how they are linked but feel just terrible....

i dont mind making connections on my own, i do mind not having any real support once i leave his office and to go to just anyone as he would have me do seems pointless, its like he is undermining and minimising my experiences all the time....

fuck , is this yet another abusive situation i wonder at times....

Bladey i will give you a call, for sure, it would good to catch up...

ty all again.

i feel ill tonight and can nt stop thinking about my grand suicide plan...how shit is that?

jai

[realscape]

If it feels abusive, it is abusive. Never ever over-ride your instincts and gut feelings.

They're all full of cliches, "it gets worse before it gets better" yada yada yada. If it feels wrong, don't flog a dead horse is my advice. I had a nice therapist once, a CBT therapist. She challenged my thinking, she made me see things differently, but it didn't feel like undermining or abuse. My advice, don't walk run.

[Leslie]

Dear J,

Do you have other options? Like seeking another kind of therapyst? Hope you have, but as some say it's important not to quit therapy, I know sometimes is hard but look around, maybe you'll find a new way of focusing the problem.

Try to read a nice book and let your mind fly on the sky, not on the obsessive thoughts we tend to have when things are going bad,

Take care,

Leslie

[verntheconfused]

I had some grass today.

It was nice.

Mary Jane seems to be my only true friend these days.

Hell, they are better than doctors!

LOL

[ladyluck28]

I agree Vern, wish I could have some right now..can't because my kids are home..have to wait till they go to bed tonight..if they go to bed..

[jai]

ty my friendies, what a load of pot heads we are or were! speaking for myself clearly !

I wont be taking that route as appealing as it is to get lost in a warm haze of a big spliff!

So, its 4.38am and i am up but actually not feeling too bad again, maybe its knowing the rest of the town is sleeping and there is no noise that i like, i dunno....perhaps i should work nite shifts somewhere?

Anyhow, have thought and thought and talked about yesturday with Rachy and think i need to write down and ask my t some questions that are bugging me to the point of quitting. I'm sure if i let this go ill just end up dead or just terminally boring and unable to regain any lost ground inside.

thanks for the suggestions and supporting my narcotic tendancies, those urges are strong at times and of late have become more appealing.

love

jai

[Eva*]

Jai,

I'm so sorry you're feeling so bad about your t.

I have to agree with real, if it feels abusive it is abusive. I stuck to my ideas of not quitting and all that when I was in rehab and it left me worse than ever before.

Don't let the same thing happen to you. If you want to quit then think about it thoroughly, don't do it impulsively, but do it if you still think it's right once the impulse to flee has calmed down. Our impulses aren't wrong as a rule just because we can't tame them very well. They can still show us the right way at times.

I do believe there is good therapy out there, simply because I happened to stumble across a fantastic t. But I know it's rare and bad therapy can definitely make things harder for us.

The women for women thing does sound good to me. I've been in touch with such places here a couple of times, helpline and some counselling sessions, and it's just so much easier to speak about things when you don't have to justify the amount of your hurt first. And when the people you speak to understand that you probably tend to blame yourself for what happened and how you feel about it and so on. They know that they have to fight against those tendencies and not support them.

I hope I didn't ramble on too much. It took me quite a while to read and reply at all but even when I'm not, you're still in my thoughts, Jai.

Love

Eva

[jai]

((((((((Eva))))))))

thanks hon, i appreciate your reply and thoughts on this. I am undecided but feel that part of me does nt feel believed by this guy for some reason. Maybe it is the way he messes with my dx, oh and head....i would nt mind if he told me things in a clear way , so that i could understand if he changes direction or is considering other things, but its a bit like being hijacked somehow, i feel ill at ease and challenged but i dont know why. Sorry that does nt make sense i know, so part of me trusts him and would nt go elsewhere, another thinks whatever, another thinks fuck it, run away and join the circus and so on...and when he is vague or disbelieving i feel threatened i guess, plus his break of 5 weeks with only a question as to how i could help myself better for future breaks, did nt seem to acknowledge how depressed and suicidal i was in his absense. I really thought he could nt have cared less to be honest and should he take another break of a lengthy period i will be left alone again.

so i can only think either im deluding myself into believing i see a t every week, or that somehow i am saying things here and not passing the true nature of my feelings when i am there, or he genuinly wants me dead..and since thursday that is the only thought i keep having...

the weekend has been good and i've kept manically busy to distract myself but by wednesday ill be a wreck, with little sleep and my body now in total pain, with ibs, fybromyalgia and feeling sick and dizzy most of the day.

i guess these are symptoms not to be believed too!

so, i will go on wednesday and report back.

thanks for the suggestions.

take care

love

jai

x

[pip]

Sorry no words

but love and hugs

(((Jai)))

I am hopeless just now

pip

x

[Madeleine]

At the risk of being a total bitch (not much of a risk, I am a total bitch after all), I wonder how much of your feelings are anger at his "abandonment" of you for 5 weeks?! I'm probably totally misunderstanding this but I do sense a lot of anger about that and I know that when my psychologist came back from his break that it was the first time in our (brief) relationship that I completely lost the place, told him to f*ck off and stormed out. I think a big part of me wanted to punish him for leaving me! Just wonder how much the feelings you have now have been prevalent before his absence or are they newer? Just a thought... hope you're not offended.

Maddy

[jai]

Pip, ty, Maddy, no you are not a total bitch, its a fair question.....yes his break has changed things, it has pushed me back into a place where there is little to no trust on my part and yes anger at his response to how his time away hit me so hard. Is this abandonnment? yikes, i had nt thought of it like that.

I can just about cope with getting through the time, but not with his lack of genuine understanding as to how badly it has affected me and left me. Sometimes i think it is all part of some cunning plan to invalidate my feelings until i break and something gives on a deeper level. I find it so hard giving in to the monsters that lurk in my personal closet that maybe he is pushing a bit harder, i dunno.....

All i know is , i am upset but without the energy to tell him to fuck off or storm out, wish i had that right now!

Thanks for the reply and helping me think about this, i am at a loss and the more input i get the more unravelled my thinking becomes.

hugs

jai