My Symptoms

[Doctor Dysphoria]

Difficulty handling criticism/perceived rejection

Moods governed more by events/what people say to me than just happening.

Bouts of accute anger

Over the top reactions

Irritability and anxiety

Insecure and paranoid

Doing negative things to attract attention.

Desperately need mh team/pdoc to be there for meand yet

mistrust/'hate' them

Have a hate you/need you history of participation on forums ie

dramatically flouncing off in a 'I hate you all i am never going to come

back here' manner only to experience a feeling of loss when i am not there.

Rejectionity sensitivity and paranoia that leads me to Rejection sensitivity and paranoia that leads you to get emotionally

vlatile and something relativelt little can have you spinning into a 'I

know you hate me and i hate you all ' thinking that leads you to

drmatically flouncing off from newsgroups/forums and yet once i've

flounced off i start feeling lost and needy and desperate for the support

i had there.

positively charged depression ie with

anxiety,irritability,anger,lots of negative verbalisation coupled with busy

mind/difficult to switch thoughts off.Euphoria and depression minus anxiety

/irritability etc are definitely bit players.

Used to be depressed>impulsive/easily

lead/excitable/mischievous/ but now more depression>busy

mind/irrtiable/anxious/contentious/ argumentative/impatient/verbally

abusive/bossy know it all/loud mouthed paranoid etc.

For good time outside of 'level i'm prone to mix of 'depression/busy

mind/irritable depression/busy mind/irritable etc.My most common mood state

is one that in lay person's terms could be described as a positively charged

type depression .I very rarely feel right down the line level.Euphoria and

non dysphoric depression are definitely 'bit part players' .Also a good deal

of inner anger/frustration and ? rejection sensitivity.One thing i do find

quite a lot is that my brain suffers from a kind of St Vitus dance type

thing whereby i find it difficult to chill out thinking wise.If i get into

something it has to be done sooner rather than later/not that good at pacing

myself.It's not unusual for me to go to bed and then get up because there is

this or that just must be looked up online

and i'm wide wake and still going full pelt on the computer till 2-4 am

plus.

Would welcome your input.

Thank you

[lostsoul]

First of all, sorry to hear things have been hard! I hope you stick around and get some support here for whatever you are going through...

In response to your post...although a good number of us here have bpd and we are experts in our own cases, and what I mean by that is we could describe how we experience it, everyone is different and it is not our place or even within our ability to diagnose you. I realise this may not be what you are asking for - a dignosis - and yes, from what you say it does sound possible that you have bpd, but I would think that your MH team or psych. would be the only ones in the position to say yey or nay definitively.

I guess what I am trying to say is have you talked to your MH team about the possibility of bpd and if so what did they say?

Sorry I can't be any more help than that...

Claire

[Daisy]

Lots of info thier

Id talk to a preffessionla they will be able to help u and possibly diganose you if that is appropriate.

[calyps]

Hey there,

I've never heard the term 'positively charged depression' before, but I like it, I always wondered I was never like my friend who was diagnosed as depressed. I can identify with what you say, i used to be a big flouncer in a huff type but have calmed down loads , maybe due to aging? I don't know..I often experience so many symptoms it seems that weird that one disorder can sum them all up.

Take care and please be aware that if you ever flounce off from something I've posted, I will take it personally,

Anwen :lol:

[Amy]

To me? Sounds like borderline personality disorder and/or bipolar disorder. I have both. Only a pdoc can dx you, we cannot do that for you. So while I said what is sounds like to me, I'm not trying to give you a dx.

Do you have a pdoc? If not, you need to find one ASAP. Your family doc can refer you to one.

Good luck!

Amy

[Ginny]

Mmmmm.......

If you want an honest opinion I would say it sounds like BPD and/or bipolar as delicate said. However, we cannot be a diagnostic team and I seriously suggest you get some much needed help from a psychiatrist to establish these facts for you - it is important to know what you are suffering from in order to treat it properly.

Sorry you are suffering so much - good luck in your search (MAKE someone help you)

Ginny ;)

[Swan]

Totally agree with what everyone else has said about finding a good doctor and getting a proper diagnosis in accordance with clinical criteria - a good place to look (in conjunction with a doctor nb) is the DSM IV manual which most british psychiatrists use. Sounds a lot like bipolar and BPD - I totally understand the 'positively charged depression'. but you haven't mentioned suicidal feelings and you've asked elsewhere about 'feeling empty'. to me those are the main factors which differentiate BPD from bipolar and without them you may be bipolar but not BPD. But SEE A DOCTOR!!! Good luck :)

[Doctor Dysphoria]

Totally agree with what everyone else has said about finding a good doctor and getting a proper diagnosis in accordance with clinical criteria - a good place to look (in conjunction with a doctor nb) is the DSM IV manual which most british psychiatrists use.  Sounds a lot like bipolar and BPD - I totally understand the 'positively charged depression'. but you haven't mentioned suicidal feelings and you've asked elsewhere about 'feeling empty'.  to me those are the main factors which differentiate BPD from bipolar and without them you may be bipolar but not BPD.  But SEE A DOCTOR!!!  Good luck

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Here are some recent posts i have made on newsgroups etc. Yes i do get quite a lot of suicidal ideation!

30th November 2004

Sometimes

It's not about killing yourself sometimes it's about praying for death.

27th November 2004

Re What is the point of anything anymore

There is no point for me apart for being there for Brenda.Aside of that

there is no logical reason for living.Life is just abuse and

rejection,wondering why you are treated like a criminal,tying to find a

justifiable reason why you are being punished, doing your best and knowing

in the eyes of the abusers and hypocrites it will never ever be enough.In

other words LIFE IS a ginormous bowl of rat's SHIT populated by people who

invariably abuse you,or pretend to care and then let you down.

21st Nov 2004

A day in the life of my ever changing moods

This morning - anxiety that has me feeling emotionally drained by noon -

total silly wacky mood ,mid afternoon- paranoia,feeling

of rejection late afternoon till nineish -normal then start feeling

tearful,negative thoughts, thinking about what a waste my life has

been,suicidal

ideation.

19th Novermber

I have become so f***ing paranoid and frightened of further rejection and

the thought of the further pain that would result that my trust levels are

zero outside of my wife and a few family members.. All i know from bitter

experience is that you ask people for help and they either ignore you or

let you down. All the time there is this big ng red sign flashing

'Rejection Alert Rejection alert Danger danger do not enter'

15th November

I am just a grade a jerk come headcase come anything crap you can think off.

Just got this knack of pissing people off without trying/meaning to or

going into paranoid/oh f**k i'm being rejected ---- .f**k you for rejecting

me ----- i deserve to be rejected mode.

Basically i am a useless f***ing fruit loop . If it wasn't for the fact that

the olanzapine physically wipes me out i would be tempted to pop the damn

things on the hour every hour so the flow e of cr*p going through head at

least goes down.

MH workers are crap with a few honourable exceptions.Keep the few good ones

and publicly execute the other f***ers!

3rd Nov 2004

I wish I had the courage to kill myself

The world is an evil place. I am sick of being abused and neglected. It

would suit me fine to die when Brenda dies.When she is dead i will have no

purpose or use.

30th October 2004

Happiness

Happiness is an occasional oasis in the vast barren desert of life.

F**K tHe pills.Get permanently rat arsed shove so much coke up you nose it

resembles the dartford tunnel.Commune with the fairies in lal la land.All

else is a giant bowl of festering dog puke.

1st September 2004

I‘m so insecure and paranoid

`Even when i try to do right i am doing wrong.Just goes to show what a BAD

person i am.

I'm thinking everyone dislikes me and i deserve to be disliked.

8th August 2004

The unholy quartet of my mind

'Anxiety,depression,irritibility, and paranoia' with occasional supporting

act 'Busy mind'.

[lostsoul]

Yes I agree you have the emptiness feelings and the feeling that your life is pointless so why bother...

A lot of us here feel like that and you describe it well.

However I would also say that there is evidence of black and white thinking present in what you have written. The belief that EVERYTHING is SHIT, that EVERYONE is going to REJECT you. This is very much a feature of BPD.

It may FEEL like this at times, or a lot of the time, but it doesn't necessarily translate into reality. The feeling that you are a waste of space - this also is very strongly evident and is another symptom of BPD.

May I say I particularly liked your last entry: 'the unholy quartet of the mind, anxiety, depression, irritability, paranoia, with occasional supporting act, busy mind'. I can just relate and it is described so well! Thanks for that!

Re: your symptoms - it could well be bpd but again we can't diagnose you - have you spoken to your mental health team about it?

Hope that helps, prolly doesn't. I wasn't sure what you wanted, whether you were just adding the stuff about suicide ideation to demonstrate you had it, or if you wanted feedback! Well, i gave you feedback! So have that

Claire

xx

[Ginny]

What claire said........

PLEEEASE see a doc and get some proper diagnosis and treatment.....

Ginny :wacko:

[Swan]

I think at this point it is probably really clear that it doesn't matter at all what your diagnosis is - you are in serious trouble right now and however much we try and support you we cannot actually prescribe the medication you probably need nor can we make sure that you are in a safe environment where you feel safe and cared for.

Please make sure that you get urgent help. If you are suicidal (and you clearly are) you should be at A&E and staying there until they get you assessed by a psychiatrist. Do NOT wait for your GP and if mental health services are not giving you the help you need then go back and insist.

You are posting a lot and so you clearly want help and information. We can provide some, but we cannot treat you. Please get yourself to someone who can without delay (and then come back and tell us that you have done so! )

Take care and keep yourself safe - you are not alone, however bad it may feel!

Swan

[Dianna]

I had never heard of "positively charged depression". that is a good description. I have always had the anxiety, and I think that is what that is.

I hope you find solace in this forum. I can relate to a lot of what you are saying.

Dianna