claudine Posted November 25, 2004 Report Share Posted November 25, 2004 i hover between bpdwld and havoca. both seem so familiar, yet neither are home. i feel so disconnected, yet understand how everyone feels. I want to slice myself open, but i don't want to be sewn up. I always think, 'when' i do it, i'll be alone. i won't call for help'. so tired of trying to keep it together. when i took the pills, i felt this moment of release that was so gratifying. My body just let go. no hate, no anger, no pain. just want to let it all go. so torn, don't want to post this cause i dont want to hurt anyone, but i want to say how i feel too. can't ever sleep the night through. feels like i've been stabbed in the spine after a couple or hours, always wake up in pain. sometimes the bed feels like it's shaking and i don't know why. hate sleeping. hate bed. have to stay up til i cant keep my eyes open. the only time i sleep for more than 4 hours max is if i'm totally fucked up. only temporary moments of lucidity. work hard in hyper, short bursts and then just fucking stare at the walls. thought it was supposed to get better. how? how can it possibly get better? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
basketcase Posted November 25, 2004 Report Share Posted November 25, 2004 Hi, I don't know you and I'm new here. But, I so identify with what you've said. I hope you have managed to get some rest, I can't rest at all at moment. Up all night, feel like hell all day. Please take it easy and try to reach out to someone about how you feel if you can. You're not alone in this now. Hugs, SianX Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lauren Posted November 25, 2004 Report Share Posted November 25, 2004 Claudine, Im not 100% sure as to whats going on there for you. Do you need some real time help? The fact that you have had the courage to post this, says that a part of you does not want to go through with your plans. Please seek out someone/somebody who can help you through what is obviously a very difficult and emotional time for you. (((claudine)))) L xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
claudine Posted November 25, 2004 Author Report Share Posted November 25, 2004 sorry, sorry, sorry.. more remorse from anger. the angrier i get, the worse the remorse. don't want to be like him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lauren Posted November 25, 2004 Report Share Posted November 25, 2004 Just glad you are ok hun. How you feeling now? L xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
claudine Posted November 25, 2004 Author Report Share Posted November 25, 2004 little better, thx lorna and bc. new horror movie title. "Night of the Triggers" lol '...you just have to make it until the sun rises..' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tracey Posted November 25, 2004 Report Share Posted November 25, 2004 (((((((((Claudine))))))))) here for you if you need Traceyxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alexa Posted November 25, 2004 Report Share Posted November 25, 2004 ((((((((((((Claudine))))))))))))) I identified so much with what you said...it was wierd! I hope you are feeling much better now. Like the movie title! thinking of you xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jacinta Posted November 25, 2004 Report Share Posted November 25, 2004 Claudine, Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you - and sending love and comfort your way... You are not alone, in cyberspace... You do belong, darling... *A big, beautiful bear hug* Jacinta Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
claudine Posted November 26, 2004 Author Report Share Posted November 26, 2004 thx guys, I'm sorry. I feel badly about posting that. I don't want to put that stuff out there. thx for being there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
basketcase Posted November 26, 2004 Report Share Posted November 26, 2004 Hi, Don't feel bad for posting stuff, it is often telling the truth to someone, even an internet site and seeing that even the worst stuff is ok (because there are people here who understand) - can really help. I hope you are having a better day. Hugs, SianX Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
claudine Posted November 26, 2004 Author Report Share Posted November 26, 2004 better, yeah. It's so hard to control. Maybe it's impossible, maybe I have to stop thinking that I have control, I don't know. It's the same thing just varying degrees of intensity. Whenever I get angry. physically respond to it, I get this messed up backlash. It's predictable, so why can't i keep it in check? I just try really hard to avoid getting angry, but that's pretty impossible for me, especially right now because I've been recently exposing some of my abusive past and getting some less than supportive responses from some family. This rollrcoaster sucks!!!!! The depression has reached some all time lows lately and it's scary and unfamiliar. Someone mentioned in a previous post something about the comfort of the familiar depressive state, the indulgence, I understand that, this is different. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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