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Stephanana

By Stephanana,
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Stephanana Member

Stephanana

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:wacko:

Hi there...my name is Steph and I am 28yrs old! After years of internal suffering, heartache, frustration, depression, selfharm, binge-eating, mood swings, impulsive acts, overspending, one crisis after another, job changes, friendship losses, paranoia/mistrust, reclusion, alcohol abuse, confusion and misdiagnosis, I have an answer, a definition. I IS BPD! The sense of relief is bittersweet but at least I *finally* have that understanding that I have craved for so long! I am not overly sensitive, too deep/intense or manically insane...I'm me but I have an emotionally unstable brain...great.

I am so relieved I have found this site, as to read what some fellow sufferers have gone through makes me realise I am not alone...I genuinely hope to make some chums along the way, although my contact can be sporadic, ranging from full on chatter to nothingness, and rarely much inbetween!! Black 'n' white thinking, huh?

I send you all big hugs and will probably throw random questions and fears your way...I can be very good at giving support and advice too, when I am on form!

Just one initial question...Lithium...discuss experiences...I am NOT keen but has been advised, although was on Prozac/various SSRi for years but unsure if they helped as life has been mixedup mess!

Stephxxx

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Nuttymoo Loyal Members

Nuttymoo

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Hello there and welcome :) ,

Nice to have you with us and thank you for sharing a bit about yourself with us. I hope you find the support you are after here and i look forward to getting to know you.

Take good care xxx

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Stephanana Member

Stephanana

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WOW...a response! Typically for me, I was on tenterhooks...half expecting to being ignored, that familiar tension in the heart, preparing itself for rejection/ridicule/misunderstanding. It is so good to read all the posts on this site, although a tad overwhelming. I have the urge to try and cram it all in for fear that I may never return, forget the website, lose interest, fear, blah blah...daft! Anyhoos, I am rambling so I'll quit it...for now!

Enjoy the day, fellow BPDers...I am off to my bedroom to avoid the eeevil sunlight, yet try to retain a grip on the emotional situation. Right now, I feel tetchy, excitable, lonely(cannot seem to call friends) confused and hungry...the urge to get blotto solo on Vodka is strong but I must resist...only end up crying/cutting/melancholic/destructive/ashamed! Not nice.

Stephxxx

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pip Loyal Members

pip

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pip is here!!!!!!!!!

I have BPD and take 120mg prozac & others..........

Lithium is heavy duty

Usually used in bipolar

It has dietry restrictions eg cheese, red wine

It is not an easy drug to take

You have to be under alot of supervision

and get bloods taken regularly.

Not a drug to be taken lightly

- but effective.

If you want to know anymore

I am always here!!

Good Luck

pip

x

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mort Loyal Members

mort

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Hi and :welcomeani:

Can understand mixed up mess scenario.

They are trying to get me on lithium but I am resisting due to all the blood tests. That is just me tho. I think it has helped others. What do you want to do?

I hope that this site helps you as much as it does me.

tc

mort x

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Stephanana Member

Stephanana

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Hello All!

Thankyou :wub: even more for all of those extra welcomes...or as Ainsley Harriot annoyingly says 'WellCum'' gggrrr! I am determined to get a PC for my room, as I either use the library (not being a snob, but the atmos here can bring me down...) or the one downstairs at home, but Father lurks. Father and I have issues y'see...emotional and verbal bully who still seems to exert some control over me. Wish I had my own place...freedom to use a PC at will from the safety 'n' sanctuary of my own hideaway.

OK, enough waffle, currently drugfree after successfully weaning off Prozac...weaned off Seroxat in 2003 and nearly lost the plot...horrific withdrawals. I came off Prozac due to believing I had Bipolar and SSRis are NOT recommended for mood swings, so say *some* reports, but as we all know, it can be contradictory and also down to personal experience. I am very dubious about starting Lithium, as despite the continual emotional rollercoaster I am on, I would rather feel alive that utterly flat and apathetic, plus I suffer with low self esteem and binge eating, so my weight fluctuates wildly. I realise this sounds terribly shallow, but self image for my self, not others, is important. I cannot bear to look into a mirror most days, such is the ingrained selfhatred and shame. I hear that Lithium can cause weight gain/increased appetite....marvellous! I *know* I may require some chemical assistance, as mind over matter doesn't always help BPD symptoms as the urges and impulses are overwhelming...my Mum likened some of the episodes akin to being possessed/out of mind...in the nicest possible way as Mum is cool, my saviour and confidant!

I had a review today for the large corporation I work for, as I attempted to return to my new job 6 weeks after I had been signed off sick, due to an episode...it is thanks to this company that I gained private medical insurance which had no exemptions on past conditions...thank fudge...that I saw a specialist who was special enough to specialise in MD and personality disorders, although ironically I didn't know this! Thank goodness, as now I have my diagnosis and everything is falling into place, but it is the beginning of a long journey, but the path os the correct one at last. Sorry, I am waffling.

Anyhoo, back to the plot...I attempted a return to work...

I freaked and had to leave again, but have been advised not to reveal my condition to my boss and NOT to hand in my notice in yet another fit of shame, failing and fear...not getting paid though, so if anyone can give me advice on benefits (currently attempting to recieve IB) and the possibility of one day working part time AND claiming, obviously within the law!

Sorry, I keep blasting massively long replies...I do not expect equally long responses, but pointers in the right direction will be gratefully accepted :D

One last thing...this morning I felt very suicidal, not wanting to do anything, but the feeling was intense. It sucks, yet to all my ex-colleagues I was sunny and smiley. Feel like a fraud!

Once again, hayuge thankoos for the lovely words of support...I hope I can get my own PC so I can chat away, and perhaps work out how to enter the Chatroom!

Love 'n hugs from Stephxxx

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rosehip333 Member

rosehip333

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welcome steph to this site i am glad that you are beginning to feel at home here i find this site to be a life line and i hope you will feel supported too, hope to meet you in chat, take care rosehip xxx

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gingernut Loyal Members

gingernut

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Steph,

I was there when you managed and mastered chat if not in a linear way as you called it.

Im glad you have found this site as you seemed quite nice.

Ginger

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rebeccaborderline Loyal Members

rebeccaborderline

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Hi and many welcomes

My lithium tale; sorry yes weight gain definitely, and my wee smelt funny! Wasnt worried about blood tests; but then neither were they, they kept forgetting. Didnt flatten me but didnt do anything much, neither did most anti-ds; antipsychotics definitely stopped self destructiveness for which I was very very grateful; at first. May have been oversensitive (or effects of cumulative doses) but one day realised had done nothing but watch Jeremy Kyle Show for 2 years. Read my intro 14/09/06 for further details of one BPDs route...

Yes massive relief to finally be diagnosed, but I fell into trap of letting it define me

see you in Chat? Good luck

rebeccaborderline

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Stephanana Member

Stephanana

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Good day all,

I am glad I ventured into chat as it was fun, and I met some really nice characters...but I kinda lost the plot as more 'n' more came in as I am so slow and lose where I am, what I was typing etc!! But it was a hoot and I'm gonna venture on there a little more often, whenever I can get access to a poot. Speaking to Gingerjoanne got me thinking about my past career choices and which roles gave me some fulfilment and focus to a certain degree...

Huge thankyou for that advice about Lithium...the more I discover, the less keen I am..if I am totally honest, I have recommenced Prozac in the last 2 days as I was desperate for some kind of chemical support....stupid I know as I weaned off so well, and I am well aware that the full effect will not kick in for weeks, and that effect could result in a manic high. Well, it was either that or Vodka Therapy! Still reclusing a little and fearfully ignoring the phone (friends), yet wondering why I feel so bored, lonely and frustrated...mood flits so rapidly but I know why now...one minute my friends were the best thing ever, I love em, can do no wrong...then I would go into dark mode and see all the bad and become mistrustful. Its crap, huh!? I am SICK of my bedroom...too many memories and ghosts there...

Sorry, selfobsessed ramble...I will f*** orf before I gobble up all the space on this forum and drive everyone away from me!!

Hugs to all, hope to chat very soon:)

Stephxxxxxxxxxx

OOOh, nearly forgot...yes yes...I have fallen into the trap of letting the BPD define me since my diagnosis, but I hope once I get to grips I'll get over this selfobsession. Guess it just helps after years of not realising, to make some sense and have some 'rational' explanation for the constant and frightening mood changes, lack of identity, selfhatred, overanalytical, trouble with relationships and bonding due to mistrust or intensity, selfharm, impusivity and black'n'white thinking....just SOME of my traits...

I will not use it as an excuse for every little action though, and told Mum that I must be reprimanded if I do so...''well, I couldn't help it...I AM BPD...'' NO NO NO!

xxx

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