spaghetti Posted September 14, 2006 Report Share Posted September 14, 2006 perfectionismprocrastination and paralysis- i need to differentiate between real conflicts with my superiors and conflicts arising frominternal wounds. - also, i behave like someone is keeping score of my life: the house is never clean enoughi am always convinced i can do something betteri feel genuine panic if i make the slightest mistake. also, i realise i cant deal with success. I have rebelled all my life therefore being succesful would play into my parents hands. I know, self analysis can be damaging Mrs Tree - but ignorance is far more damaging - ignorance just feeds and reassures the anger and things continue. The book has helped me to see why i behave like i do. It is enlightening - but i dont want to think of it as an excuse for my behaviour because ultimately , I am to blame for the way i behave or choose to behave. All I have to do now is change my behaviour!!! (easier said then done)I think i will start by booking some counselling through the occy health dept at work . Never felt like I could justify it before. Feels like i could do it now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mrs tree Posted September 14, 2006 Report Share Posted September 14, 2006 well its a great step then Spag glad you found the book..hope you don't have to wait too long for help Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miko Posted September 14, 2006 Report Share Posted September 14, 2006 I'm one in ten (so far), how I love to belong to exclusive minorities, it reinforces my class and aura.Funny how some of you changed your tune once Josh had had his say.One or two of you were honest from the start and said 'I feel' or 'I believe', but the rest didn't.I'm convinced I'm the biz even when depressed. I don't think that means I'm bipolar, or narcissistic, simply that I wasn't abused enough. Definitely a risk of complacency I'd say. Must take newish info to fraud people tomorrow at latest. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sabbath Posted September 14, 2006 Report Share Posted September 14, 2006 i would like to know how many of us hate ourselves.. coz sometimes i feel like i am the only one with this hatred towards me.I don't think I've ever specifically hated myself. I'm often angry with society and resentful of my place within it. They (relatively normal people) have built an artificial world that reflects their thinking/reasoning and comprehension. Blaming them for this would be pointless. It's all they know. It's all they want to know. Broadly speaking, they thrive in this system. They have no reason to change. But that doesn't mean I have to like it. Maybe I have hated myself in the past... I don't really know for sure. This may sound a little odd, it's been a long time since I thought of myself as a person. As a result, I usually don't judge myself by their standards. Hopefully that didn't sound too strange. I'm new here. Hi. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miko Posted September 15, 2006 Report Share Posted September 15, 2006 Hiya Sabbath,Perhaps your arts and music may become a route towards experiencing yourself wholesomely as a being.Tell us in an introductory thread, if you like, what kinds of crafts you do and what kind of music you make.I regret not being very practical but enjoy bluegrass and Mendelssohn.I cant help other peopleI am making my life worse everydayI am fatHi GJ,Some of your posts helped others so that improved your life as well so that evens those two outFat is beautiful so that evens the ugly out as well.As for mistakes try complacencyIt has served me well for half a centuryAnd it helps the rest of humanity reach the stars Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
celticmyst Posted September 15, 2006 Report Share Posted September 15, 2006 I have never hated myself. I often hate the world though for being so hectic. For me I'm the most important person in thw world and I've chosen for myself now. I will become whole again. :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eva* Posted September 15, 2006 Report Share Posted September 15, 2006 I do hate myself and I do love myself, depends on my mood, sometimes both at the same time.When I do it's because I feel like a failure, not living up to my potential in anything. Letting friends down when I'm in isolating mode.I think it is because I felt abandoned, unimportant and unloved when I was young and it's easier to find fault with yourself than with the people you love.Still I only love myself when I feel that others love me but at least I can see and feel that they do and feel worthy of it.I hope one day I won't hate myself anymore. I'm not there yet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
allpsychedout Posted September 15, 2006 Report Share Posted September 15, 2006 In thinking back over my past 57 years I can honestly say I can't remember a time I truly 'hated' myself. Being raised in a constant 'double-bind' situation sure did teach me to hate anyone who abused me, however. Mostly, because they all just kept right on doing it, over and over again. By age 19, my body began to physically break down, and although I thought I had 'forgiven' everybody for their past transgressions, apparently I hadn't since I wound up in such bad physical distress that I kept attempting suicide. (See blog of Sept 13 for details--hehe! Warning, though--the d*mn thing is a book--lol!)I didn't want to die because of self-hatred, I wanted 'deliverance' from a world I found entirely too hostile, cruel, and senseless. I never felt that I was 'too good' for life on Earth, but instead, that I didn't deserve to have to keep enduring such h*ll here. My physical pains have been abominable at times, never mind all the emotional pain. So, guess I could say, I've 'hated' my body and brain plenty of times, for letting the 'real me' down. That real me is my soul. Having been on the 'other side' many times, I adored the Peace and Love and Calmness I found there, and I felt I deserved to get to go there and remain, sooner than later. I've now decided that this life of mine here is some kind of 'trial by fire' and that the longer I can tough it out, the better off I will be in the long run. Somehow, I've always kinda known that if I could ever 'just get it right', here on Earth as we know it, then I WILL be 'released' and get to finally Go Home. Sometimes I still kinda find myself in a hurry though. I've learned to try to compensate by doing several types of meditations. It does help a lot, but I need to remember to do it on a regular basis. Sometimes I forget. Dunno if that makes any kind of sense, but the negativity being expressed by so many here, I find to be disturbing. I wish none of you would 'hate' yourselves. You are all so much more than only your cruelest of symptoms. There is a whole, good 'inner you', regardless of what you've been through. Your search to find yourself inside all the turmoil can be the most rewarding journey you'll ever take. Believe me, you ARE inside there, somewhere. I wish all the best to everyone choosing to take that journey. It is definitely painful at times; I'm not even all the way there yet, at MY age. allpsychedout Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nettynoodle Posted September 16, 2006 Report Share Posted September 16, 2006 i hate myself cos i'm fat, ugly and no use to anyone all i ever do is cause trouble for peoplespaghettiToxic Parents is a really good bookhave you ever read the book Breaking Free Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miko Posted September 16, 2006 Report Share Posted September 16, 2006 i hate myself cos i'm fat, ugly and no use to anyone all i ever do is cause trouble for peoplethanks for the warning Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vorpalblade Posted September 16, 2006 Report Share Posted September 16, 2006 i have just read all of this thread.i was giong to reply to it, but i've changed my mind. i don't want to add any more sadness and regret to this place Blade Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miko Posted September 16, 2006 Report Share Posted September 16, 2006 This is great news - I am now down to an even more exclusive one in twelve - it gets better and better for class and cache and mystique - yay! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tasha Posted September 16, 2006 Report Share Posted September 16, 2006 because I make people hurt Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
only the lonely Posted September 16, 2006 Report Share Posted September 16, 2006 Guess Im guilty of that.....as well, my fatness is a mjor biggie!!! and the fact I have bpd...I really hate myslef for that, and that I wish I coudl be thin. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
drew Posted September 16, 2006 Report Share Posted September 16, 2006 some times i love myself i love my hair i love my back i love things that i do or have gotton i love the achievements i made even with the crap in the background i love the reflection in the mirror sometimes i hate myself i hate my scars and what they represent , i hate how i look like members of my family, i hate i eat to much , i hate my reflection in the mirror Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SilentAlarmXIII Posted September 16, 2006 Report Share Posted September 16, 2006 I think the difficulty is that I could answer "yes" to all three.Anyone else? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rebeccaborderline Posted September 16, 2006 Report Share Posted September 16, 2006 I like my scars, if I didnt have them I wouldnt be here, they were a way of caring for myselfI hate whats deep inside me; if you crack my chest you'll find rotting vegetable matter, with larvae and worms, thats seeped deep into my bones and left indelible stains and stench. Cant get rid of it, its part of me, too deep Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miko Posted September 16, 2006 Report Share Posted September 16, 2006 I think the difficulty is that I could answer "yes" to all three.SAX III surely we're not going to have to put you down as one of those definite maybes !!!you'll find rotting vegetable matter, with larvae and worms,Grows wonderful tomatoes, they reflect the sunshine and are so sweet! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dolphin Posted September 16, 2006 Report Share Posted September 16, 2006 i hate myself as im no good at anything in fact im completly useless at everything i cant even be a mother rightor work let alone start something and actually finish it so im useless at everything Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sandoval Posted September 16, 2006 Report Share Posted September 16, 2006 I hate myself because I am ugly, weak, I steal , I lie, I am lazy, I don't look after myself, I let everyone down and I have messed up my whole life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
strat Posted September 18, 2006 Report Share Posted September 18, 2006 I'm weak, I'm a coward, I'm a fuck-up, I'm lazy, I'm stupid, I'm ugly, I'm a waste of skin... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miko Posted September 18, 2006 Report Share Posted September 18, 2006 Strat,Four you got right, two you got wrong, one we don't care, why throw it in our faces? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
whhyyy Posted September 18, 2006 Report Share Posted September 18, 2006 i wouldn't say i hate myself... i hate my life and i hate my disease and wish it upon no-one.... but i love that i battle it. sometimes i can look into the mirror and think..... woooooooow, ur so pretty, but when i think about how others may see me i think i'm ugly and people hate me.................... but gettin over the fact that i care...... i am who i am and anyone worth my trouble will accfept that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
strat Posted September 18, 2006 Report Share Posted September 18, 2006 Strat,Four you got right, two you got wrong, one we don't care, why throw it in our faces?I don't know what you mean. I thought I was free to express myself in here, or do I have to move on now? What is it "we" don't care about? Ichabod Crane? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rebeccaborderline Posted September 18, 2006 Report Share Posted September 18, 2006 In advance sorry if this is unpleasant. Im not going to make any apologies for this postI hate myself yes because of the things I do and say but i can try to change thatI really hate myself though because of the rotteness and stench from inside that I carry around always. I can smell it, its very heavy; it is infectious and lethal to other people. I dont acknowledge it for very long or too often as causes madness, but it is a fact and omnipresent.This is not over-analysis mrs tree, it is a fact like i have skin or toes. I deal with it as best i can day to dayrebeccaborderlineStrat,Four you got right, two you got wrong, one we don't care, why throw it in our faces?Miko, please dont be cruelStrat, i for one carerebeccaborderline Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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