Hurting

[jai]

t had to cancel today, it can nt be helped, so wtf do i cry like a baby for an hour? .....i ended up talking it tho with LB, now i just feel really confused.....what am i supposed to do? how am i supposed to cope? last night drained me, the crying and upset of the events, dog ill again, starving myself again....i needed to see him.....

now i feel like a total bitch for not being more understanding too, i have an alternate appointment for next tuesday which may as well come with a provision to take a trip to the moon, it feels about as far away....

sorry, this is all i do these days....im hurting , upset, my skin is crawling and i feel like crap....

i wont give in to pills, booze or drugs but fuck i wish i could

jai

[kirsty545]

i know its hard but keep going you can do it

((((((((jai)))))))))))

[Nuttymoo]

Jai no words hun but thinking of you and sending hugs, i know it feels so hard when appointments are cancelled. You know we are here for you, don't let them pills or booze get you keep talking to us instead.

:bigarmhug[1]:

[gingernut]

Jai,

I know its been hard for you to wait for your therapist to come back from leave and youre probably feeling abit let down but as you said it was unaviodable.

I hope you can keep strong until next Tuesday like you have done for the past few weeks.

Ginger

[mort]

(((jai)))

So sorry for your pain wish I could help. Your feelings are understandable.

Please try not to go drink and drugs route. You are doing so well trying to resist them.

I know it's hard but we are here for you.

tc

mort x

[Betsy]

jai,

i know it is hard. first the t spends time getting you to trust and need them then something like this comes up. it is really hard on us. Even though tuesday seems like a long way away you can do it. we will be here to listen and help you through.

pw

[mrs tree]

I find my week is structured around my T's /s.workers appt esp when i am low so am not suprosed you reacted the way you did....Tuesday is not far away though keep onto the fact you do have another appt soon

Tc

[jai]

thanks everyone

i think what really spooked me too, was lying in the bath this morning, a thought popped into my head....'he's going to cancel', the why being that its just the kind of thing that happens after i open up and trust someone, they let me down with a huge bang....and yeh, im on the floor, so i am desparately not letting my paranoid side win here, but its hard not to believe this is happening cos i am worthless, and he is so important. I resent the power he has over me, i resent having shared so much, i resent being left so alone with all this. Yes its unavoidable and yes he has to do this sometimes, but how the hell could anything inside me have known this was coming, it feels like if i am working on premonitions here, then this is exactly what happens all the time to me. Why engage in life if at the time you need to be most centred your worst nightmare comes true...

i dunno rambling here, i know i feel lost and i now feel like why should i go on Tuesday, what will i say? i have been left to my own devices again and they would have me end it all in a flash...

i wont, i will try, but my head feels like it could spin off my shoulders, i have a headache, blurry vision, unsteady on my feet and dont know how i will get through til tonight when bf returns....

thanks for letting me vent and replying, i have nt even been good at replying to others just lately , im so sorry

jai

[pip]

(((Jai)))

Hope you feel better

Sorry no words

pip

x

[Miko]

Maybe it was coincidence you foresaw it Also known as serendipity or synchronicity. Doesn't always carry a meaning when it occurs.

In any event some xx from me. A bit nearer Tuesday all the time.

A bit like when I bungled my CAB appointment with this supposed fraud interview invitation hanging over me (only it was mainly me that bungled that one) ...

[verntheconfused]

Jai,

hang in there honey.

It won't always be this way even though it may seem like it.

Always here,

Vern

[jai]

thanks pip, miko and vern

yeh synchronicity miko , i will give that some thought, what really bothers me is i see things like my own death all the time in night mares, does this mean they are real foretellings? am i right to think if that is the case then i am doomed no matter what i do? do all the things i feel before they happen , have to happen?

it makes me so sad i can nt tell you.....i knew the night i chose to stay with sick hubby instead of my daughter that i was chosing between his life and hers. Even tho at the hospital that day the doc had said she was so well i deserved a night at home with hubby. Usually i slept on the ward with him in her room. There was no way i could have known this was going to happen. ditto when my bro was killed, i dreamt about his funeral in advance, i get feelings about bad things happening to ppl i love and care about all the time. All i do know is , i used to think the voices were spirits, and now i dont knwo what they are. Inside me always warning me of one thing or another. It really depresses me to be honest, what therapist is going to believe this? and is it worth telling him? i dunno.

Anyhow, here i am predictably up in the wee small hours, i went to bed at 1am last night to try and beat this happening...

so, yeh, miko one day nearer i guess.

i feel like a screwed up piece of paper right now, that has been re written too many times to get unscrumpled

thanks guys

jai

[Miko]

My late mother always knew things like that in advance as well. And she lasted a good long time herself.

[jai]

thats encouraging Miko

today has been much better, although ive been busy all day, swam this am, washed the windows outside, the car, did two loads of washing, went shopping and yes i now ache and will pay for this later and tomorrow, but it feels ok, albeit i am running away through activity at least a few more of the must do's have bit the dust!!

thanks for the kind replies

jai

x

[abbynormal]

Jai,

I so feel I can relate to all you are saying. I hate how I have become attached to my t. It's a love/hate thing. Way too dependent. Sometimes it is easier to be alone than to have expectations and have them be ruined.

My heart goes out to you and your visions and guilt that seems to get entangled. Just because you have a gift doesn't mean you are to feel bad. Sounds like a double edge sword. I lost a daughter too. Circumstances are very different and part of my problem right now. Tell me if you ever feel up to hearing about it.

Abby

[Vorpalblade]

wow you have been a busy bee!

[silas]

(((jai)))

Glad you're having a good day.

And if I done that amount of house-work/activities you did in one day I'd sleep for about 3 days (well slight exaggeration, but i'd sleep longer than normal)... :)

[jai]

ty Silas

well, i just had a power nap of around an hour....!!

yay so am up for the nite now.....maybe i will drop dead with the exhaustion at some point soon...i dunno....

jai

[whhyyy]

tell me some ways that u can getb thru the week. some things u can do for u. if u have goals the time will go quicker. can u tell him next week that even tho u understand that cancellations can't b helped that u felt let down and u needed him?

we're all here for u to get u thru feeling like shit. so keep chattin if it helps.

hugs always, me x