I've Learned There Is Help For Me

[verbena]

I have been convinced that there is no help for me, that

being under a doctor's care only makes me worse, that

when faced with the choice of whether to solace or not,

a therpist should always choose the later, should never

ever disclose anything about themselves, should not smile,

shake hands, accept or return calls under any circumstances,

instead insisting their patients go to the emergency room if

they feel in danger, refuse to read letters written by patients,

and if a patient leaves a voicemail, tell her that is was

deleted without listening to it. I believed all of this was for

my own good, because he told me it was the best for me. And

then he stretched appointments until there were 6 weeks between

each, and knew that eventually I would get out. And I did. As masochistic

as I am, he was more the sadist, and would have gone on

forever as long as the insurance held out, stretching appointments

further and further apart, and watching the torture while all

the while telling me this was for my own good.

Now, I am offered a group of caring, responsive, interested

therapists who within minutes return calls, saying things like

"That's what pagers are for", "Now aren't you glad you called

instead of letting things get worse?", "Does that make sense to you?"

"Good night, Ann." I have been given work to do between appointments,

suggested reading (The Search for Significance), I make the

appointment decisions. I have only gone twice, but I get to decide

when I will come back, and I screwed up, making the next appointment

3 weeks away, but I can speak to someone if I need to.

Which of these examples sounds better to you? The second one? Yeah,

me too - so why am I still in tears over the one who wouldn't help

me, why do I still call him everyday just to hear him say hello and

then hang up? Why do I still dream about him and wish that I could

convince him that if he would do all these good things that I would

get better, or that at least I want him to say it's OK to go to the other

place, because I feel like a loser and guilty for doing exactly what

he said would be the worst thing I could do.

How could something so bad feel so good, and something so good

feel so bad?

[Betsy]

Verbena,

Why don't you talk to your current therapist about this?

bets

[Daisy]

Verbena this is a good positive post in so many ways. I am so glad that you have found a therpist that is SUPPORTING YOU and doing what "therapists" can/and are meant to do.

U are aloud to ring, u are aloud to ask qns and ask for support.

I too have a therpist that used to stretch my appointment from 1week to 4 weeks never actaully having any idea that i was falling down, i never ever called him as I knew i would get the GO TO ER like u said. I got a new therpist and now I CAN call him, I did once and he told me to call again but its HARD...isnt it? ITs very hard.

I also get WEEKLY appointments, I get the shake of the hand after every appointment its part of it to *conratulate me* or *thank me for trying* its a vital part of our session. I Have the second therpist just like u desecribe your new therpist as.

YES it IS the better option.

DOUBTING It is natural, well natural for a BPD. Relationships are critical to us, when someone is abusing that we want ALL or NOTHING, its like we cant let them go, we wither LOVE/LIKE OR HATE MADLY (this is what im aware of for me anyway)

Its also about TRUST. U trusted ur old psyc, ur starting to see what he did was wrong/ NOT HELPFULL TO U .

What u are learning now IS helpfull but its SO HARD to ACCEPT That someone u did WANT to put trust in was WRONG and someone u can NOT START TO TRSUT MIGHT just MIGHT be right.

Its the NEW - the NEW idea that someone actaully CARES about me? Someone actally WANT TO HELP ME?

Someone wont mind if i call?

Someone is thier to support me?

Its a new concept when we have been pushed away so hard, so fast for SO long. u get used to the rejection and sadly know that the label of BPD doenst help u if u do ever get bad enough to go to the ER cause your psyc isnt thier, it doenst get easier thier, even more reason not to go, even more reason NOT to get help.

I Understand so much of what you wrote, ALL of what you wrote.

I think the best thing is NOT to call the old psyc, yet i do understand why it may feel like u have the need too. ITs all about trusting the new now, as hard as that is it CAN and WILL happen, just gotta trust in YOURSELF first.

then must BELIVe that YOU ARE WORTH IT

YOU ARE WORTH THE SUPPORT

YOU ARE WORTHY OF MAKING THAT PHONE CALL - Rining that pAger

YOU ARE WORTHY OF APpointments at Intevials that Assist in your therpay

YOU ARE WORTH IT

*Like ur topic says Thier IS help for you*

I Dont think its about Un-doing damage done per-say over the year, more about Moving FORWARD, Living in the moment.

U are Strong

U are worth support

U deserve support

U can have support

WELL DONE FOR SEEKING SUPPORT

kAty

[verbena]

Betsy,

The old t has been a main topic at both appointments

I've had with the new one so far, but when I even think

of him in session, I am overcome with grief and begin

to cry, which is something I've never, ever done in

therapy before. It doesn't stop me from trying to explain

how much I regret not doing better with him, but I

worry that the new one will resent every appointment

being consumed with the old stuff. I don't know, but it may

be the reason he wants me to try some new medication-to

make working on this stuff more manageable. Anyway, he

doesn't try to stop me, and does ask questions about my

feelings for the old t.

Katy,

I really appreciate the time you spent responding to me.

I have read your post several times, and am sure I will read

it several more times, because I have a hard time retaining

what I read, and there are a lot of thoughts there. I think it was

thoughtful of you to spend the amount of time that you did, and

it is always helpful to hear that someone else has or has had

the same feelings/experiences that I have.

Thank you to both of you.

XXX Ann

[Betsy]

Ann,

I am glad that you are discussing it. I bet he is willing to as long as you need to... that's how you work through things. I am happy that you are getting the help that you need. ((((((((((((( verbena )))))))))))))))

bets

[verbena]

Is this what he meant by therapy being bad for me?

The four day weekend had it's ups and downs. I knew that when I came into

work this morning. The new t called and asked how the weekend went(I remembered then leaving a message for him to call-he wasn't on call over the holiday) and I, being very happy to be at work on a Monday morning, was

happy to tell him that though it did have it's ups and downs, I was fine and glad to be at work. OK.

After we hung up, I was thinking, "why did I call him, and was it necessary?", and remembered that all three of my chickens were killed by something over the weekend and walking into to henhouse to find headless bodies all over. And remembered sometime over the weekend trying to sleep and everytime I'd close my eyes would see Sheldon, and wonder what a body looks like after it's been in a casket for almost a year. And the burns I gave myself, and getting sick on vodka and vicodin in the middle of the night. I would not have thought of these things if I hadn't spoken to him this morning, and don't you think that my stomach hurts now thinking of the weekend...

[Betsy]

Ann,

Don't you think these things would come out sooner or later? I would forget what your old therapist said about therapy not being good for you. I would work with this new therapist and tell him all those things you thought of. Therapy does cause pain... if it didn't you wouldn't be working on anything... you would continue shoving it down inside.... which has been oooohhh so productive for you.

you need to get over wondering if you deserve therapy and get on with the business of therapy... that intales talking about painful things. sometimes we all think to much about the wrong things... sometimes it is better to practice diversion tactics so we can get through the day.

I hope this doesn't ruin your entire day. You deserve therapy... you are getting it.

bets

[Daisy]

I think u are strong.

I think u deserve the support.

U called ur T cause u needed the extra support and like betsy said these things will and should come out in time anyway, its all part of seeking help and discovering our feelings and things.

Im glad ur T called u back, Even more glad that u were OK>

But remember that ur aloud to Not be ok is vital too. U called for a reason and that reason was valid.

Therpay isnt bad for u - Im sure ur T will know when u become "dependent" or when it starts intererring with things, however I am sure it wont be delt with in the same way that hyour Old T did with cutting all ties, as ABANDONMENT doenst sit well with Any BPD Sufferer i know this myself!

Im sorry u had all those memories, maybe u can write them down so that when u see your therpist again (or talk to them again) U can bring it up so as to hash it out, talk about it and work through it.

I know it always feels better after its been talked through even if it was a few days ago, its REAL to process the emotions that we felt and even more REAL when thier is someone thier to validate them and let us know that it is OK to feel this and it is OK to be like this and that it WILl and DOES get better/easier.

Keeep Strong

*Im glad my response helped you, it is a topic that i have learnt lots about changing to my new therpist and learning that maybe I can and do deserve help. LIKE YOU & Like Everyone.*

Hugs Daisy.

[verbena]

Thanks Daisy. You are a good kid.

[Daisy]

Kid..Kid im not a kid.....

Take care V - hope things are working out well for u.

[verbena]

"so why am I still in tears over the one who wouldn't help

me, why do I still call him everyday just to hear him say hello and

then hang up?"

Does that make me a stalker?

My head is a pounding, roaring orb today.

[Katherine]

sounds to me like you had formed some -even if it was imperfect-attachment to him? A kind of father figure maybe? He was some kind of island in a storm?

lorna

[Katherine]

...and you desparately want/ed something from him that you have wanted most of you life and he didn't give it to you, you were - are searching for something, mourning a deep deep loss in your own life and this is mirror for it?????????

lorna

[verbena]

I'm sure I did form an attachment to him. I'm attached to people on this site who I've never even met!!! He was respectful and polite, but cold and dispassionate. He just always wanted me to think of what was good for me first. I wanted him to teach me things and talk to me and listen to me. I wanted him to show an interest in what I was speaking about. He constantly wrote as I spoke, and I had to stop myself from tearing it from his hands to see that he was doing work for other patients or a crossword. It makes me weak and dizzy thinking about how awful it has become since I left.

[verbena]

I'm going home to try to stop the noise in my head.

See you all tomorrow then.

Ann

[verbena]

I really need the journals to come back...

I called his voicemail last night and told him that things weren't going

well, but that I would try to stop calling his house. I think that I

felt like it would help keep me from doing it, and I didn't last night.

Two long baths a day. Work out every day. Work overtime. Working

on Christmas cards. Laundry all done. Dishes all done. Still, can't

stop thinking about myself. Always me, me, me. The book that was

suggested to me did come in today "The Search for Significance". It's

in the car, or I'd tell you who wrote it. Anyway, maybe it will teach me

how to be a less selfish, self-centered, self-involved person.

I'll read it in the

tub tonight.

He said something about that I had courage. My head was roaring and

it was hard to listen to him and now hard to remember, but I'm sure

he did. I don't know if he was just handling me or not. It was my last

appointment and he would have spoken in tongues to get me out of

that office. So sad. :(

[verbena]

Last night on 60 Minutes, Andy Rooney was talking about America and our tendency to go to war with our "enemies" rather than make them into friends. His last thought was "Don't be so afraid of dieing that you commit suicide."

BOOM!

I think that's it. I think that maybe I'm so afrad of death that I just want to get it over with under my own control. I remember hinting something of the fear of dieing to the old t and his thing was "Why worry about thngs we can't change?"

So today I spoke tot he new t and he said it makes sense, and that is one of the reasons he wants me to go on medication which kind of deflated me because I was really hoping that we could just talk about it and difuse it that wasy, you know? So much is written on this site about the problems associated with medication - I'd like to duck it.

[Betsy]

It can be a lifesaver too. it would be worth a try if they think it can help. just be sure to take it as prescribed and tell them how it is working.

bets

[verbena]

Wow, when I read this thread from the beginning - how bad was that!?! Never want that again.

Saw the psychiatrist today, and she said she is happy with how I am doing and doesn't think meds should change and I don't go back for 5 weeks. Will see therapist day after tomorrow. Just knowing it's there - whether it is him or her or the meds or whatever, just knowing that there is something going on, that somebody is helping me with this. Fuck, that other guy was hard on me. I feel such a sense of relief and gratitude at my new position, that it makes me feel melancholy, almost depressed. :)

[Ginny]

Well done Ann

You have been in a hell of a place but you sound much stronger now..... SEE - you ARE strong enough - and you can get better.. even just a little bit better...and however long it takes. Good onya girl - you have been through through some tough stuff!!

Ginny :wub: