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Altered State

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Altered State

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Hi :) Obviously new...don't know what I am doing...been trying to get this blog onto the site for 3 hours now!

Recently diagnosed with BPD & Clinical Depression with a touch of Histrionic Narciccism (just to add insult to injury :angry: ). Always knew about the depression - have experimented with so many different drugs and combination of drugs I make a street addict look like an amateur. :wacko:

Haven't been very successful in therapy (DBT) - I think it's because I'm special, you know, like different from all you other Borderlines... (of course I'm gonna think that - I'm narciccistic! B) ) Actually, I think I'm just have difficulty accepting just how deeply, deeply messed up I am. At least I'm aware of it, right? <_<

It has been such a long journey to finally be diagnosed correctly (12+ years of almost-continual therapy). I finally "feel" that the diagnosis fits me rather than my trying to fit myself within the perimeters of previous diagnoses. Would have rather "felt" a hit on some other illness, like a type where one is blissfully unaware of their insanity. I, unfortunately, am ACUTELY AWARE of my skewed personality and behaviours (again, the narcissism - mostly aware of myself...how embarrassing). :(

Oh yes, my question:

Is anyone aware of any natural or special abilities and/or specific strengths that Borderlines tend to possess? An example would be like people with ADD who tend to have a natural ability at understanding poetry. Cool, eh? Actually, it makes sense it you think about it. Poetry is about saying as much as you can using as few words as possible. This is a perfect writing style for an ADD who has no time to waste on any one particular exercise/thought for too long!

I ask this because I am hoping to return to school and I am trying to take a novel approach at what and how I should learn. I have an attention span of a flea and too many interests which makes it difficult to narrow down any one particular field of study. I would like to tailor my education around the "strengths" of my illness rather than structuring it around my shortcomings resulting from my illness. I hope this makes sense.

Hope to hear from lots of you! Thanks! :)

(too many faces?)

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rebeccaborderline Loyal Members

rebeccaborderline

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Hi AlteredState, and welcome!

I havnt been here long (my intro 14/09/06) but have been made to feel v welcome, as Im sure You will be. And Ive learnt an awful lot that resonates with me just by prowling round the boards; for the first time Ive met peeps who know what its like! Im finding that BPD has wide spectrum of characteristics but some very common ground eg complete battiness and a sense of humour!

About special abilities/strengths, AlphaOmega posted this interesting piece a couple of days ago, Part 2 especially good (it is long though). Direct link here:

http://www.bpdworld.org.uk/index.php?showtopic=7747

Ive found that Chat is a good way to meet people quickly and is a bit of a hoot

NB not sure of your definition of poetry; mine is "economy of words, beautifully formed"

Welcome again; look forward to talking to you

rebeccaborderline

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suchcrazyness Loyal Members

suchcrazyness

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welcome,

sorry I don't know anything specfic about bpd 'strengths' I'll think about it though.

hope you settle in well with the site, there are a lot of good people here.

Chris

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Altered State Member

Altered State

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Hi AlteredState, and welcome!

I havnt been here long (my intro 14/09/06) but have been made to feel v welcome, as Im sure You will be. And Ive learnt an awful lot that resonates with me just by prowling round the boards; for the first time Ive met peeps who know what its like! Im finding that BPD has wide spectrum of characteristics but some very common ground eg complete battiness and a sense of humour!

About special abilities/strengths, AlphaOmega posted this interesting piece a couple of days ago, Part 2 especially good (it is long though). Direct link here:

http://www.bpdworld.org.uk/index.php?showtopic=7747

Ive found that Chat is a good way to meet people quickly and is a bit of a hoot

NB not sure of your definition of poetry; mine is "economy of words, beautifully formed"

Welcome again; look forward to talking to you

rebeccaborderline

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Altered State Member

Altered State

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Thanks, Rebecca. You were right, lots of reading. Very interesting. Haven't read it all yet. Although, I could easily believe that I am gifted and well, just eccentric.

Yeah, that's it! I AM GIFTED! (I'll let you know later what it is I'm gifted in) AND I AM ECCENTRIC! (This one ain't hard to pull off)

Seriously, I do believe that, if we look at the strengths of our illness (such as the ability to view life in its extremes - i.e. black/white thinking - there ought to be some "higher level of intelligence" going on, especially if we are able to continually cope during the extreme times of our illness (such as not getting arrested, not harming ourselves too badly, not freaking out too wildly, etc.). So what if we (OK, me :rolleyes: ) make a mess of it, we survived it. I doubt very much, that if a "sane" person were to experience the "altered state" of a borderline episode, he/she would come out of it half as well as we do!

OR, maybe we just have a higher tolerance for humiliation! ;)

OR, maybe I'm going back "in," hoping against hope, to find some sort of peace with my illness and possibly become of use again someday.

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rebeccaborderline Loyal Members

rebeccaborderline

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Thanks, Rebecca. You were right, lots of reading. Very interesting. Haven't read it all yet. Although, I could easily believe that I am gifted and well, just eccentric.

Yeah, that's it! I AM GIFTED! (I'll let you know later what it is I'm gifted in) AND I AM ECCENTRIC! (This one ain't hard to pull off)

Seriously, I do believe that, if we look at the strengths of our illness (such as the ability to view life in its extremes - i.e. black/white thinking - there ought to be some "higher level of intelligence" going on, especially if we are able to continually cope during the extreme times of our illness (such as not getting arrested, not harming ourselves too badly, not freaking out too wildly, etc.). So what if we (OK, me :rolleyes: ) make a mess of it, we survived it. I doubt very much, that if a "sane" person were to experience the "altered state" of a borderline episode, he/she would come out of it half as well as we do!

OR, maybe we just have a higher tolerance for humiliation! ;)

OR, maybe I'm going back "in," hoping against hope, to find some sort of peace with my illness and possibly become of use again someday.

Like your way of thinking Altered State; pretty much how Im starting to see my "illness". In fact, we are the "Special Ones"! (Got to be some kind of pay-off for all the crap we go through)

rebeccaborderline

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Altered State Member

Altered State

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possibly become of use again someday.

I am sure you are of use!!!!!!!!!

pip

x

Not really, pip. Oh, I keep my boyfriends place clean, help my mom with her gardening - when I'm not stuck inside my head. Otherwise, I haven't had a "real" job for 10++ years. Haven't been able to keep it together since I sobered up. Go figure...

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Altered State Member

Altered State

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You Have a bf

- you beat me already!!!!

Take Care

pip

x

Know your feeling down tonight, pip. I was on live chat for a while. Would like to say some wonderful words of wisdom for you, but I don't have any. All I can do is acknowledge your pain.

Hug?

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Miko Loyal Members

Miko

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... strengths of our illness (such as the ability to view life in its extremes - i.e. black/white thinking -

... become of use again someday.

Long for shades of grey (or red and green and yellow and blue and - and - )

Glad you found the gifts thread I find it inspiring too with my depression and autism and ADD and - and -

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realscape Loyal Members

realscape

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Hi Altered

Welcome. Your intro made me giggle. Sorry if it wasn't supposed to.

Glad you feel like your dx finally fits you. Wish I felt like mine fitted me. Yeh, they have to throw in something insulting don't they? Narcissism, or hostility, bpd, anything that detracts from the unusualness of being extraordinary and makes us jus plain annoying.....!

I think you have a strength in writing and a comedic tragi-comedic skew so possibly you could utilise that in whatever your next chosen route is? Creative writing maybe rather than poetry? After all, who wants to tread the middle ground in a truly moving script? Maybe that is one way of using the black and white, the up and down rollercoaster, the conflict, isn't that what all great movies are based on?

I am very suspicious of poetry because my mum suffers delusional manic schizophrenia and is a prolific poetry writer when ill, along with all her ward-mates usually. I've never witnessed so many poets and lyricists in one place than when visiting my mum on the secure unit!

I think we all are genuinely gifted and talented and special and everyone on this site could be superbly excellent at a chosen field more so than the average person and some already have fantastic skills that they are already able to use. Unfortunately, the sadness is that in reality mostly we have to struggle so much harder just to keep our heads above water. Ho hum.

Onwards and upwards

x Real

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Altered State Member

Altered State

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Hi AlteredState, and welcome!

I havnt been here long (my intro 14/09/06) but have been made to feel v welcome, as Im sure You will be. And Ive learnt an awful lot that resonates with me just by prowling round the boards; for the first time Ive met peeps who know what its like! Im finding that BPD has wide spectrum of characteristics but some very common ground eg complete battiness and a sense of humour!

About special abilities/strengths, AlphaOmega posted this interesting piece a couple of days ago, Part 2 especially good (it is long though). Direct link here:

http://www.bpdworld.org.uk/index.php?showtopic=7747

Ive found that Chat is a good way to meet people quickly and is a bit of a hoot

NB not sure of your definition of poetry; mine is "economy of words, beautifully formed"

Welcome again; look forward to talking to you

rebeccaborderline

Like your definition of poetry much better - it sounds, well, poetic! The definition I used I had heard on a documentary on ADD. Maybe they expressed the definition of poetry that way to make a specific point as it applied to ADD. I do recall now that yours is the appropriate description in literature.

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LiveWire

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Altered State - You know yourself well and to admit you have Narcissistic characteristics - that's a huge step in the right direction. Not many people who have NPD at any level will admit anything. My sister is a classic case!

There is no doubt with your intelligence the world is available to you. The real question is there something that makes you happy and worth your time and effort. Ask the Father for His advise! Perhaps He has something already planned...

I am glad to hear that you have relationships to keep you occupied - a mother who loves you and a boyfriend too. You are very fortunate... B)

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Altered State Member

Altered State

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Altered State - You know yourself well and to admit you have Narcissistic characteristics - that's a huge step in the right direction. Not many people who have NPD at any level will admit anything. My sister is a classic case!

There is no doubt with your intelligence the world is available to you. The real question is there something that makes you happy and worth your time and effort. Ask the Father for His advise! Perhaps He has something already planned...

I am glad to hear that you have relationships to keep you occupied - a mother who loves you and a boyfriend too. You are very fortunate... B)

My ego is so big I have no problem admitting to being narcissistic. What the real issue is how thin my skin is! :lol:

Thank you for the complement. I do ask - all the time - I'm just not really willing to hear what He is saying just yet. It's a good thing patience is listed as one of His qualities.

I am very fortunate and that is one thing I really try not to forget! I know things could be so much worse for me. I have at least 2 people who are willing to accept me no matter what. Well, one HAS to - that's my mom - I always tell her that when I notice I am starting to get under her skin (it makes her laugh). She is such a gentle soul. It breaks my heart to know that I continually cause her heartache and worry. She always says she understands and that it will be okay, but I can see the hurt in her eyes sometimes.

My b/f is a wonderful man as well, but I can see that my illness is beginning to take its toll on him. I often wonder if I am being fair to him - how can I ask him to commit to me when I know I will never be well. On the other hand, he could be a masocist, and he does have the option to bolt.

Its strange to want to run away from the people who love you. One would think to hold on tighter, not flee. I just hate hurting them again and again. :(

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