Swan Posted December 5, 2004 Report Share Posted December 5, 2004 Hello Everybody, I tried to post an intro last night, but it seems to have gone missing. So here goes. I'm Swan, Diagnosed (whew!) with BPD two years ago after messing around with depression, PTSD etc for a year after a divorce from an emotionally, verbally and finally physically abusive man to whom I'd been married for five years. Not working any longer, although I'd love to, but just feel like jelly inside all the time. Lots of suicidal thinking, several attempts which have culminated in miserable hospitalisation. Have recently lost my psychiatrist and the hospital he works from because I got totally desperate and completely lost control after going there for admission late one night and being locked out after a problem with my credit cards meant that the deposit wouldn't go through. No attempt made by them to make sure I was safe, get me a taxi, ask where I was going etc. Hence, disaster! Local NHS ward totally hideous and I kept getting threatened with sectioning - at least they don't do that in private hospitals, which is why I've spent thousands on private treatment, also in the hope that I'll be able to get back to work. Some hope! I just ended up completely dependent on the psychiatrist and the hospital! Anyway, no more addiction, which must be a good thing because life is about me again, rather than him, so struggling to get it together and recover. Meeting you guys is a revelation - being able to talk to people who share experiences rather than simply knowing about them is so great. Looking forward to lots of conversations. I might even volunteer (eek!) eventually! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amy Posted December 5, 2004 Report Share Posted December 5, 2004 Welcome Swan. You have been through alot, make yourself at home here. There is alot of support here. Look foward to getting to know you. Amy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostsoul Posted December 5, 2004 Report Share Posted December 5, 2004 Welcome swan, I also feel like I am jelly inside! Wibble wobble your way to chat sometime and i'll hopefull get a chance to wibble wobble back. :P Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lauren Posted December 5, 2004 Report Share Posted December 5, 2004 Hey swan, Good to see/meet you. I think attatchment issues to our care providers is a common thing with those with bpd. Did your psychiatrist do anything to try and help you not to become so attatched? Hope to see you around. L xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Swan Posted December 5, 2004 Author Report Share Posted December 5, 2004 I guess we were getting around to trying to deal with it. He kind of stepped in when my Dad said no when I asked him to visit me (from South Africa) after I was diagnosed, and the relationship did end up mimicking that with my Dad and my ex-husband. I was in a lot of trouble in September because I wanted to go home for Christmas and my Dad said no - I was devastated and my doctor was really busy and we didn't get around to really dealing with it. I was getting angrier and angrier but didn't get help from him in time and two days after my last appointment took an overdose that landed me in A&E. Things went from bad to worse really quickly and (in the middle of the night when there was nobody else around and I had just been locked out) I smashed my car into the entrance of the hospital where he works and where I had been an in patient many times, which prompted the termination of the realtionship (not surprisingly I guess, but I do feel that it has been rather more extreme than necessary - no one else from the hospital is allowed to have contact with me etc - I feel that they are using a sledge-hammer to crack a walnut, probably saying some pretty extreme things about me in the process and putting some unneccessarily harsh things into my notes). I am going to request copies of all my notes and other information referring to me that they hold, because although I must take responsibility for the extreme nature of my reaction, I do also think that they have some questions to answer and feel that it is likely that I am being demonised to preempt any criticism of them. It is so good to be able to talk about this here - it is really troubling me, and I don't really have anyone else to discuss it with. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lauren Posted December 5, 2004 Report Share Posted December 5, 2004 I am sorry to hear about your experience. But just a thought on the matter. If nothing had been said about you crashing your car into a hospital (which could of resulted in someones death) what could of happend the next time? There is allways consiquences for our actions. I know that can be hard to take and often hurts but others setting us strong boundries is one of the best ways they can help us. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Swan Posted December 5, 2004 Author Report Share Posted December 5, 2004 Well six days later the Berkshire train crash happened, which really freaked me out! I've always been really careful about keeping other people safe (including my husband when he was threatening me in our very tiny kitchen) and the way I vent my aggression against others is through self-harm. If anyone else had been about (eg if the security guard who locked me out had instead come with me to my car) I am sure that I would have left the grounds and possibly gone home. The trigger was being left alone - the sense of abandonment and desperation overrode any sort of sense of self-preservation (which was shaky at best by then) and it was the fact that no one else was there that made me lose control (at least that is what I think - I cannot remember much more than the acute sense of loss that I felt at the time) But you are right, and the issue I am most struggling with is what could happen in the future. I just feel that the previous doctor could have communicated with the one who took over and who I am seeing now. He didn't, and as a result I feel that the new doctor is not going to have the benefit of the considerable investment of time or money that I have made over the last two years. I know that there are a lot of different opinions on this matter - what I did was really serious, but I do feel that to say that it makes me a danger to other people is incorrect, and I cannot really seem to get that idea across. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lauren Posted December 5, 2004 Report Share Posted December 5, 2004 Sweetie, I am in no way attacking you here. Also I did not say that you,swan, where a danger to others. I said that the action you chose to take that night was dangerous. I think that a lot of us have done things in our momments that could of potentialy harmed others. I myself decided it would be a clever to stand on a rail line, then pull down the guy who was trying to get me out. But your words seem to contradict themself. You mention a fear of what you could do next time. Then you go on to say that you are not a potential danger to others. If you really do feel that you would never do such a thing again that is wonderfull. But you are safe here no one is going to judge you for your actions. Tc L xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Swan Posted December 5, 2004 Author Report Share Posted December 5, 2004 I do feel safe here, I am having such a hard time partly because I am struggling to resolve the contradiction between acknowledging how dangerous that action could have been, reliving it and examining it to see if it could have been dangerous to others given that there was no one else around; and anger at the therapist and others who I feel (perhaps inaccurately) have accused me of being a danger to others. I'm so glad that the train didn't get you - if it had you wouldn't have been here to talk sense to me . What happened to the guy who saved you - did he forgive you? I suppose what really frightened me about Berkshire was that I recognised the way that when you are really determined to hurt yourself you become oblivious to the impact on others who are not within your immediate view. I am certain that guy did not anticipate the consequences nor that anybody else would die. I really recognised the tunnel vision that develops. That is what frightens me - that if I did do something similar again I wouldn't realise that it would have wider implications. But I also have to tell myself that I won't do it again or I won't be able to live with the fear of 'what if' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktodee_27 Posted December 6, 2004 Report Share Posted December 6, 2004 Welcome Swan. This is a good site. Hopefully you find the help you need. Nice to meet ya! I too struggle with the attachment issue to some of the staff at the group living situation I am in, but it's getting better. I guess somedays are better then others with the problem depending on what phase I happen to be in that day and what happens and what mood I'm in. Take Care......... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Betsy Posted December 6, 2004 Report Share Posted December 6, 2004 hi swan... glad you found it to this side also! bets Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maria Posted December 6, 2004 Report Share Posted December 6, 2004 Hi Swan Welcome aboard.Hope you find this site as supportive as I have. Nice to meet you. Love Maria. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tory Posted December 6, 2004 Report Share Posted December 6, 2004 Hi Welcome to the site! i hope u like it here and find it helpful! Tc Tory Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Swan Posted December 6, 2004 Author Report Share Posted December 6, 2004 Thanks for all your welcomes guys, as well as for not hauling me over the coals - I really needed to get that confession off my chest and realise that we can do bad things without being bad people (whatever the newspapers might say!) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joshua Posted December 6, 2004 Report Share Posted December 6, 2004 welocme , glad its all worked out and you getting used to things as you can see were all very supportive. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cloudyfox Posted December 6, 2004 Report Share Posted December 6, 2004 Hi Swan. It's nice to meet you. I hope you enjoy it here. There's definitely an atmosphere of understanding and empathy here, and loads of support. Cloudy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lille_eskimit Posted December 7, 2004 Report Share Posted December 7, 2004 Oh hello Swan!! I replied to one of your postings in another thread, but didn't realise you were a newbie, like myself...Anyhow, here's my belated welcome...People in this forum have been very supportive, warm and friendly...so, like you, I feel 'safe' here as well... I suppose crashing your car into the hospital isn't the best course of action under any circumstances, but in a way, I understand why you did it...only all TOO well...I've been there before...The number of flats I've thrashed, the (moving) cars I walked out in front of, and the times the neighbours had to call the police, come rushing back to me now, so before this triggers yet another bout of depression, I shall change the subject to something...er...equally 'unpleasant'...well, no one ever accused me of being the best conversationalist!!! I've got a bit of a cold today, which has taken a turn for the worse...This puts a slight damper on my festive spirit (well, what's left of it after recent events), as I've taken up the task of being a one-woman x'mas card-making factory, and was planning on continuing in that capacity today! Somehow, the thought of being (without putting too fine a point on it) surrounded by glitter whilst nursing leaky nostrils strikes me as a rather bad idea...I am listening to x'mas songs however! I'll post a pic of what've been appearing at the end of my production line in my intro thread, so you peeps can see what I've been up to...Just got a few more cards to churn out before I've fulfilled most of my x'mas obligations! :rolleyes: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lauren Posted December 7, 2004 Report Share Posted December 7, 2004 Hey eski, You now have about 550 more to make for us lot Happy sticking! :P Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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