Food Diary

[chealsea]

time Food Reason How i felt What did i do

8:15 Tea Morning drink feel fat went to work

12:00 pasty lunch hated it wanted to get rid of it

but am being watched so i can't

took more pills went to work, depressed

4-5 8 cups of water being weighed totally bloated, but had to

by hubbie cause i had to put the lbs on

so it looks like i weigh more

than i do. can't bear to look it

5:30 got rid of alot of the water i drunk

6:00 cold meat & oven chips dinner this is when i feel terrible cos i can't get rid

and the urges of s/h come in

After i dinner i really struggle cos hubbie is in the house and i can't do anything to get rid of it. I feel i have eaten loads today and i really hate myself for eating cos she gets on at me and i have failed. I don't want to ramble on but this is the lowest point of the day for me and i find i take more of my meds to help.

Thanks for listening

Chealsea

please tell me if i am being stupid or i have eaten too much cos i hate it i really do, i don't want it in me, i hate what it does to my body.

[mrs tree]

no you haven't eatten too much...you need to eat to feed you body...Your feelings of been fat are just that feelings not fact

Tc

[jai]

Chelsea

this is a brave thing you are doing and you deserve a big hug for beginning this diary and sharing how you feel.

what you ate today does nt seem like enough to me hon, but you gotta start somewhere. Would you feel better eating more veggies, salad, pulses, nuts, advocadots, eggs? good sources of prtoein and minerals?

just a suggestion, iknow this is a battle for you and am here to keep encouraging you.

Well done for today Chelsea

see you laters

love

jai

x

[chealsea]

Thank you mrs tree and jai for your reply.

I thought i ate loads yesterday so now i get it into my head that i am going to restrict today, cos my head is so much better when i do and i don't do stupid things. I guess in a way i am s/h all the time if i don't eat which i didn't realise i was doing. i do eat veg and things like that, my hubbie cooked last night. I hate the guiltiness that i feel all the time, with pretending to eat and hiding food. Its disgusting.

don't want to go on but thanks

chealsea

[jai]

Hey chelsea

its enough that you began this thread and are sharing. Food and the abuse of it is something i can totally understand, starving myself for days was v usual when i lived alone. I dont do it now so much but i do try and get away with no food all day long. Then the meds start to play hell with my stomach if its empty so i have to give in. if i want pain tho i am assured it that way. My neat way of sh also.

Lets see if we can help each other on this one eh?

love

jai

x

[DanDown123]

(((Chealsea)))

Just wanted to say that I am proud of you because you are being so brave for trying to change things.

Take care and best wishes

Danny xx

[chealsea]

Thanks Danny for your reply, i am really really trying to change the way me head thinks in relation to food but it just seems to go wrong all the time. Tanks for the hugs.

Thanks Jai for your reply to. Thanks for the understanding, sometimes i find it difficult to talk as i don't want to get on people's nerves but that is the way i am and i worry about what i say might pe a pain in the butt to others. But i guess they wouldn't reply if they think that. Something else to get my head around. I am so stupid when it comes to food, although my hubbie knows it makes things sometimes worse and i am always finding things to get away from food.

Drunk alot of alcohol yesterday with only little food, i guess i am just being an idiot with it, but it is stuck in my head. Hiding food and pretending to eat, just eating my dinner if i can get away with it, drinking loads of water to make it look like i weigh more, felling guilty for doing it, asaamed, the list goes on and on.

In the fear that i am going to start rambling i am going to go now, thanks for all your support

Chealsea

[Miko]

Chealsea,

I don't get ED per se but feel like saying a few things -

1.Don't beat yourself up about the water thing. Water before meals is better than straight after, also very good when you come in, just before you go out (if there is "somewhere" within the right distance ), and on waking.

2.Because of connections between ED and digestive system conditions I wonder about some things I have thought of. At my old landlady's I used to have to bolt my steak to keep pace with the regime and gave myself a terrible stomach problem each time and got very crazed each time. Think out carefully what foods you would find most palatable, and choose to have those, also use the best possible oil, condiments etc, and also take plenty of time eating. Is there something you can prepare in advance for work that you may get on better with than a pasty? Perhaps small portions you can eat at a couple of intervals during the day? And meat and chips can be an indigestible comination in the evening - the one time of day food combining can be of most benefit. (I.e chips with something lighter than meat, or meat with veg that aren't starchy) Oven chips can be so dry - drizzle with a little cold virgin olive oil when getting out of oven, or your favourite ketchup.

3.A small amount of fresh tomatoes, or other veg, sliced at the beginning of a meal can get the digestion going better. They can also help flush excess weight held as fluids. They make good snacks at any time.

Remember the gut is the second brain, the psychiatrist Pinel in about 1800 established the main seat of "mental illnessess" was the digestive system and that science has been going backwards (to a considerable extent) ever since.

Explore new foods or methods - food is so largely undiscovered in this industrial age ...

A juicer is not an expensive machine and you can turn most fruit and veg into juice of interesting flavours (I've not started yet) and there are little books with ideas and it is supposed to do all sorts from help with ones figure to ones mood.

In foods, buy the best quality one can afford and the quantity will look after itself

Organic food really is more nutritious quantity for quantity

Hoping these may be useful ideas to you at some stage

Don't go gluten free without getting tests from doctors first - enquire of me exactly what tests, they are inclined to get them wrong

[chealsea]

Thanks Miko for your reply. The only reason i drank alot of water is cos i know my hubbie was going to weigh me and i needed it to look i had put on weight, i weigh 8st 1 and if he though i was still at that weight he would have freaked, so i needed it to look like i was at 8st 7 which i acheived through water. need to find something else to put on weight but without doing it. If i cook or my hubbie does we use olive oil. O do eat veg when i have to eat but if i had a choice i wouldn't eat at all. But my hubbie is watching me so i have to. Chips is something we don't have alot but if it has been a hard day at work and it is quick then it is dinner. What you wrote to me has been extremely helpful in my sane mind, but my ed mind is denying it all the time. It punishes me for eating or even giving in to the thoughts of eating that is why so many other things come in. I have really horrible and abscene thoughts that i can't get rid of, they seem to be part of the ed voice that is in my head. I hate those voices. Thank you so much for your post though.

i have felt i have had a good today as far as food is concerned. I haven't eaten all day which i know a lot of you will give me a huge kick up the backside, ok go for it, but it makes me feel good. I had my dinner which went down the bog, soory to be blunt, but if i eat i get depressed and then i s/h, if i don't eat i am fine. Although i don't feel ana, or bulimic, i know i have an eating disorder cos my gp and t told me. But i feel i am still in denial and will do everything i can not to accept it. i must be a freak. I know having an eating disorder now is part of s/hing. I don't know why i feel like this. I think about it when i go to slepp, when all my demons come out to get me, t the moment i wake and throughout the day. God i wish i could have a new brain, to get away from it all. Why can't i think that size 10 is normal. must be weird. I know i am. I am thinking about being fat all the time, even in my dreams and the s/h urges are so strong, i don't know which way to turn

So sorry for the rant, i feel good in one way that i didn't eat much today, so the s/h thoughts are at bay, but as soon as i eat and if i don't get rid of it, the s/h urges come back really strongly. I also feel so guilty for being sick cos of my hubbie cos i hate lying to him, and the shame is getting me down so i take more pills to help the depression but i don't know what is working and what is anymore. I really don't know who i am anymore

Help

Give me a new brain

[promise]

i struggle with food issues and weight going up and down as aresult of this. it's not so much it you've eaten 2 much - but if you have eaten for emotional hunger or physical hunger. i still struggle alittle - like this morning; but instead of full blown binges i over eat cause sometimes i cannot express my lonliness or anger. it has been a slow process for me - but i never starve myself or throw up or binge so im uncoincouss - therfore i have come far. 3 books have hekped me - fat is a feminist isuee by susie orchid; eating under the light of the moo, johnston and paul mecanas i can make you thin. for me, i have had to begin learning how to validate my feelings; of course this is difficult with bpd - practice, practice. hugs to you lovey and your not alone xxxxx

Chealsea

please tell me if i am being stupid or i have eaten too much cos i hate it i really do, i don't want it in me, i hate what it does to my body.

[DanDown123]

- fat is a feminist isuee by susie orchid; ]

She's called Susie ORBACH,

Never read any of her books, but read an article by her, she explained the reason why some people binge is because when you are really full, it creates the same pressure around your stomach that being hugged does. She has a very good reputation, or least did when I first heard of her, Princess Diana went to see her....ooh, and now's she a professor

Dxx

http://www.lse.ac.uk/people/susieorbach@blueyonder.co.uk/

[chealsea]

Thanks guys for all your help, i feel i am going mad with this

[DanDown123]

Thanks guys for all your help, i feel i am going mad with this

Oh dear, seems like your head is spinning with all the overload of thoughts. . Sorry!

No therapist would recommend this I am sure, but in the short term maybe not analysing, and not thinking and feeling about bad things might help..........

For instance, is the reason you feel like sh after eating becuase you hate yourself when you eat? Can you try really hard after you have eaten to do something really nice (even just a good film) and every time you think or feel something bad, just imagine staring at a blank screen, willing the thought away then going back to the film.........

I am so crap at advice, but I try my best What made meet start eating was I was ill at the time, decided that just needed to look after self a bit......also your mood lifts if you don't feel guilty about it as your blood sugar level doesn't dip

BTW, are you getting any therapy for this or anything?

Sorry, this all random and all over the place, just wanted to put down a few thoughts and let you know I am keeping up with your post

Take care

Dxx

[chealsea]

Hi Dan

Thanks for your reply, my head has being in a spin with all this turmoil, I feel a bit depressed cos i know i have put on weight, restriction keeps coming back to mind, it is a nightmare. I can't help but think bad things all of the time, especially around food, i just don't know how to stop it. They even get at me when i am asleep. My head just seems plagued with food thoughts the whole day, and it doesn't stop. You hit the nail on the head about s/h. Felt really crappy yesterday cos of food so i done it again. I wish i could cut of my belly. You are not crap at advice at all, it helps to get people different opinions. I come on here after i have eaten to try and take my mind of things. It was extremely hard mor me last night which is why i resorted to s/h. I also worry that i might be offending people here or they are pissed off with me.

I am having cbt, i have been for 20 months now and i start dbt in january, so hopefully iy will help. Thanks you so much for your thoughts and thank you for checking my post. Its nice to talk to someone

Take care

Chealsea