About Us

[Alexis]

Hi - I go by the name Alexis, 'cause I hate my real name with a passion.

I am 19 and living in oxford - this is my gap year before i hopefully start uni in september. (i am going to do an english degree)

I was found out I had BPD about three months ago, although it apperantly was diagnosed last feburary when I wound up in hospital for my anorexia. I struggle with BPd, anorexia with bulimic triats, self harm and PTSD.

I am single, currently, and gay. My parents know about my "issues" but live four hours away in a pretty part of wales with my dog.

I am sort of getting help.. I have a team from the ED and then a team for the BPd stuff, but i am not good at turning up to either appointment.

I work for a big phone retailer, so am an utter geek when it comes to bluetooth and dialling displays

and today i worked out that i prolly get through about 4004 tea bags in a year....

[wordsmithy]

I am myself.

When I was 16 I was doing my gcse's and i got terrible grades because I didn’t get all a*-b's. I was disinterested in studies after previously spending years trying to stay at the top of the class, after that I just couldn’t last a year in education without taking absences and not handing in work. After many absences and visits with a terrible college counsellor, I saw my gp and got prescribed an antidepressant. When I was 18 I started mixing large quantities of medication with alcohol, and then when I was 19 I took an overdose of a particularly potent painkiller. I had started self-harming as well as overdosing at this point and saw another gp and saw a youth psychotherapist, and was prescribed another drug.

At the same time I saw my cmht psychiatrist for the first time, who apparently “diagnosed” me with bpd (not that she told me or anything... ha), sent me to a really good psychiatrist who specialised in bpd, expecting me to be referred to the bpd day hospital. He hasn’t diagnosed me with bpd instead he says I have personality disorder symptoms, specifically borderline, avoidant and schizoid. I see him for a year and half. Half studying art at college, half having crises and ending up on the psych ward. I have no friends because I’ve neglected them. Then I am referred to the day hospital because I quit college altogether.

Through group therapy, where I gaze at objects daydreaming, I’ve realised that as child, even when I was born I have been unwanted, and mother was anxious of me and left me to do long work hours. Childhood friends dumping me, me being introverted and sensitive, has lead me to where I am. I am fighting to be wanted, afraid of being disliked, rejected or abandoned; finding social situations and relationships incredibly difficult, battling with hope and purpose, with anger and misery.

Group therapy is good!

I am on an antipsychotic and an antidepressant. I am drinking every day. On the upside I’ve stopped self-harming and overdosing for the moment and almost completely stable mood-wise. I have stopped being an artist, even though I’m relatively stable. I am having a lot of trouble finding direction, I’m self-isolating and loving it, but my psych says I need to learn to be around people before I make a decision be a recluse... ha.

Who am I?

You tell me. I am occasionally an introverted artist/poet; with an extreme personality, I am trying to be happy.

[aussiebabe]

I am Sharon and 42 with an 11 year old boy.

I have suffered depression on and off for years. Took overdose and ended up in Brocklehurst Psychiatric ward 2 years ago. Diagnosed with chronic depression. Over medicated on and off. Sel harmed. Ended up back in hosp in September where on my discharge form it said BPD. I didn't get told. See a psychologist 121. In group therapy for personality disorder. Social services involved now. Bit of a shitty couple of years really. But that's life!

[™Michelle1]

Hi my name is Michelle i'll be 39 years old in May,i have been married for 15 years and we

have 3 children Eric 14 & Emily 10.5 and of course i can't leave my cats out as they are

a part of our family Alley is 5 and Nala is 1

I have suffered Anxiety since i was a child of course i didn't know what it was back

then,neither did my parents.

I have suffered Depression since i was a teenager,and i recently found out

that i suffer from BPD

I have been on Effexor XR,Celexa and Paxil for my depression but i had

nasty side effects from all of them,then they switched my to Amitriptyline but im being

weened off of it and switched to Cymbalta (hopefully this will help)

I have recently started DBT ( Dialectical Behavioral Therapy )

I have been seeing a Phychiatrist for a month now,i feel better already,just getting

things out in the open,im usually not good at expressing my emotions but she

has helped me open up and i feel alot better.

I went to see her today and she took me off the anti anxiety medication and

switched over to another one,one that i can take just when i need it.

I also was diagnosed with Adult ADD,i suspected that i had it for a long time.

Both of my children have ADHD my son is on Adderall XR and my daughter is on

Meditate (sp?) she put me on Adderall XR as well 20 mlg

I also recently found this forum which im so glad i did,it's nice to know

that im not alone because when you have a mental illness,you feel alone and

desperate,at least that's how i feel sometimes.

I read a book that my Phychiatrist recommended called "I hate you don't leave me"

it's a really good book and i can relate to almost everything in it.

Yesterday i bought "Get me out of here" by Rachel Reiland and so far it'pretty

good,she talks about her BPD and the road she traveled to get better.

Michelle

[foreverborderline]

Here Goes..

I am Rob and I am a 33 year old male from Boston but lived all over the states and the world- I lived in San fran , LA, Texas, Hawaii, Seattle, Utah , Florida, Canada, Europe, and now Nicaragua . I do not have a Job now as my illness is so very bad, I get benefits from Uncle Sam and live OK here in Nicaragua with my Wife and puppy. I have had problems ( Bpd, bipolar, ocd addictions ) my whole life and it gets worse and worse, been in psych wards over 25 times, multiple suicide attempts , drug rehabs, homelessness, etc. I have a son who is 9 from previous marriage in Hawaii but he hates me, my current wife and I lost a child who died at 10 days just 2 plus months ago, I have used drugs my whole life but now somehow have 51 days clean and sober..

I seem to love attention from women and go from relationship to relationship, always needing the next new great thing or feeling...

I act out, act in , and now seem to be falling apart..

I guess it is not all bad though, I am told I am sweet, kind, smart, and unique.. I think otherwise..

I love animals, sports ( Go Boston teams ) , travel, art, movies, music ( lifehouse rocks ) , and of course my Macbook.

This is me, whoever me is !

[domino]

I'm Renee (sisterbig), 49 years old with two grown sons. I was just diagnosed with BPD. Also have DDNOS, PTSD and major depression. I was ritually abused until I was 38 years old and then my first therapist after I got free sexually abused me for 2 1/2 years. I'm currently in therapy with a good therapist. I live in Florida but should be moving to Pennsylvania within the next year or so. I've gotten hooked on building dollhouses. I've made 12 and my house is full of them. I'm making Christmas crafts for the local crafts fairs. I do this to keep busy. I can't work and am on disability. I'm married and my husband treats me real well but won't deal with any of my mental health issues. He puts up with me so that's a major plus for him. I don't have any friends other than online. I hope to be able to find a place here and fit in. Thanks for reading.

Sister big-i dont know enough about your condition but im going out on a limb anyway-building dollhouses sounds cool-cool enough to sell them to make extra money along with the SSI. Ebay,or the local flea market(booths are usually less than 100.00 a month).

Just a thought-you could make someone really happy with that. I had luck earlier in life selling crafts at the flea market and small art shows.

Thanks,

Domino

[stormlover2007]

:wacko:

Hi I'm Alison from Wales, age 44 just dx with BPD yesterday, so a real rookie to the forums!

Dad left when i was 3. Mum met step-dad when i was 11 when the physical/emotional abuse started. Became withdrawn and depressed and had my first suicide attempt at 15. Self-harmed from age of 12.

Had severe depression on and off all my life and numerous suicide attempts, the latest one being last Saturday.

Met my partner 22 yrs ago and he has put up with all my weirdness over the years, neither of us knew i was ill. We have 2 persian cats that are our babies.

Lost our jobs 2 yrs ago now in so much debt it's unbelievable and creditors trying to take our home from us too. So lots of stress and emotional pain at the moment.

But this looks like a great place for help, advice and support and i'm glad i found you all!

[ktbear]

I'm Katie I'm a 27yr old Aussie f and been single for the first time now for a few months. I'm living with my ex-boyfriend atm who I cheated on 3 years ago in a crazy drug and alcohol/sex binge or whatever, I don't even really remember that period. when things were bad he had had depression for a couple of years, I was 24. We had been doing heaps of drugs and were in love, even tho we knew each other had had tough childhoods. After a while, I was really lonely, and had no idea about bpd, i thought he had all the problems. Now I'm back in his life cos things were getting bad for me, I was feeling like I was hallucinating people hated me everywhere, in shops and with friends. Being on my own felt unbearable. I just feel so alone and push ppl away at the same time, i feel like i have no one.

I think my x is helping me, he's good for me and really honest, and keeps me laughing at times. I am unemployed and diagnosed with bpd, social anxiety and recently started on an anti-depressant and seroquel, I still feel the urge to sh. I want to get a job and be "normal", (but do I really?). I have graduated from uni, and would go back to study, if I was stable enough. I'd love to write and study journalism or media studies or something, but I always change ideas! I also really would love to travel the world. I think I have the stigma, against mental health or whatever, I don't like psych's I don't trust them. But I'm going with the one I'm seeing now, I feel like I'm a bit of an experiment with all the tablets and diagnoses.

My mum passed away a couple of years ago, she was a lesbian, & left my father when I was 5, he ended up really cold and unemotional and my 2 older brothers, one with autism sexually abused me when i was about 8, and my oldest brother is now an alcoholic and struggling with mental health issues, they are both living at home with my father, who is crap! I hate and love him. but he's all I've got here. I hate that. I loved my mum but also felt a bit disconnected from her. I want to build up relationships again. And try not to manipulate, or let my bpd get in the way.

I have rambled a bit, sorry oh well , thats a bit about me

ps I love to laugh and find the funny side to pretty much everything even my own situation but just struggling at the moment so its nice to meet u all,

[tripper]

Hi I'm Becc and I suffer from major depressive disorder, borderline personality disorder and schizophrenia.

I've been in and out of hospitals for a very long time now.

ummm there is not much more to say really.

I'm on a cocktail of meds to help keep me somewhat sane...which I don't particularly like taking.

[Lance]

Awesome Topic. Should be pinned.

I'm Lance and I'm 20. I don't have any diagnosis to my name, but I don't intend on getting any. I came here in hopes of discussing some major issues in my life, but so far haven't mentioned a great deal of what's actually bothering me, only to a couple of people privately.

But seen as I'm here, in a nutshell you could say that I have a slight obsession with my childhood photos and memories. I know, it's weird, tell me about it. It's as though I haven't grasped the concept of growing up in a way. I feel vulnerable at this age, like I've lost the innocence I once had. I struggle with responsibility quite heavily. I think that's the child-like feeling coming through. So I guess that's why I portray myself with the avatars I use, I feel more comfortable with a younger pic. But hey, feel free to call me whatever you want, I've heard many things. I'm still a good guy, just got my wires crossed somewhere.

Other than that, I'm highly creative. I write music, poetry, I'm a web and graphic designer, and I play piano. I'm always looking for new ways to express myself and let people know my true inner emotions. However, I feel like I'm a waste of talent as I haven't done anything to further myself with a career in any of the above. Why? Quite simply, it scares the hell out of me.

Last thing, I love to talk, I'm so open minded that I have my own gravitational pull. I'll never judge anybody, I'll always listen and understand. I'm not afraid to show my emotions. I'm very soft at hard and have always wished I could be stronger.

Peace, Lance

[seafree]

I am LOU! That's my real name. I'm 20.

I'm a uni student for the next month then i graduate. I do graphic design & advertising- that kind of thing.

I smoke too much, i spend too much and i can't resist the temptation of class-a's!

I like drum&bass music and raving under the stars in the summer, or underground in dirty grimey london clubs.

I'm like a backwards travelling gypsy who aimlessly drives around in my white micra AKA the ICE-CUBE.

I flit from Lincolnshire to Lancashire to anywhere really.

I love Brighton. Its my 2nd home, but currently reside in the fens with people with webbed feet.

It smells like horse shit most of the time.

I don't have a life and im the most undomesticated person in the world.

My labels are: BPD, Bipolar type II and major depressive disorder but someone once said they all fall under a BIG umbrella or something like that.

The point is.

Im not sane.

xx

[rain]

Hello. My name is Natasha Feltra. The Feltra part I got from my mother. I'm an orphan, my parents both died when I was 10 years old. I lived in various loveless attentionless foster families, never had anyone want to adopt me. I have a half brother who's an orphan too but got adopted and has a wonderful loving huge family. I can't relate to the kid, and don't want to know him.

I have Borderline Personality Disorder - I have suspected this since I was 16 years old... about a month ago it was made official though I've been suffering from it a loooong time.

I was born in Belgium but moved to Ireland when I was 6, where I learnt to read and write and count.... that's where I was in foster families. I moved back to Belgium, was dumped with my grandparents. The depression started cause I left my friends, my accent, my identity, my dog behind. I had nothing but people who couldn't relate to me. My grandmother always put my behaviour down to me being 'emotional', 'difficult', 'hysterical', 'teenager phase'.... well, I'm still the same and I'm 21 years old.

I live where I study now, in Ghent, Belgium. Not where my grandparents live and I don't go back on weekends. I study psychology, second year, but I think I'll do social work next year and start all over. Due to the emotional turmoil I cannot concentrate. There is no stability as of now. I don't have any support, no contact from family. The only friend I had proved to be a rotten person this weekend, so I don't want to know her anymore.

I'm a mess and I know it, but I also know I'm a genuine and kindhearted person, just wanting to be there for someone.... I am in a bad spot right now and I find it hard to attach to anyone at all.

I want to be able to feel that childlike happiness and wonder again, just skipping barefoot amongst the daisies. Now all I have is my anxiety, despair and so on governing everything.

I am on the waiting list for DBT. I hope to get a phonecall to get in to next month's module, emotional regulation. It's very pricey, but I need to do something about this mess. My psychiatrist doesn't help much. He put me on an antidepressant, lexapro. I doubled the dose myself a few days ago. It wasn't helping, the tears I shed were unreal. I would say I have depression too. I don't often get anything positive nowadays. I guess it's my situation too, only heartache and letdowns. I try and make things work, but they crumble. So I wouldn't say it's all my fault.

I love animals and I'm a vegan. I love music. I wish I could say i love life, but I don't and I don't want to face the days. The way I feel is as if everything is a bad dream. I'm watching, but I'm not a part of anything, that's how unreal I feel day in day out. How does one function in a state like that. I pretend I guess, to strangers and to classmates (when I turn up).

I feel lonely and misunderstood.

Here's a silly picture:

[Pynn]

Rainnnn! You never told me you are so pretty

So, here's more info on me, if anyone's interested... :/

I'm Anna-Lynn, but everybody (even my parents, I didn't know my full name was Anna-Lynn until I was like 10 ) just calls me Lynn, because it's easier

I live in a town called Enkhuizen, in the Netherlands, where I am once again attending highschool. I graduated there before, but now wanted to graduate on a higher level, so I can go to university and study psychology. I thought after a year of working, I could handle it, that I was stronger, but I had the worst break down I've ever had, been more depressed than ever. And I am once again failing. I still have a chance, I hope I can gather enough strength to take it.

I have been labeled with BPD some months ago. I also have an (undiagnosed) eating disorder.

So. I just spent an hour writing a story as to how it has come to this, but, that would be better in the 'lifestories' section. It is unbelievably long, ranty, and all scrambled up because I can't put things in chronological order in my head. Seriously, stories I tell are hard to follow.

Sooo... I don't know who I am I lost myself somewhere while trying to adjust to everybodys expectations. I have many issues, I used to s/h, am about 3 months s/h free, but not because I chose this for myself... bf wanted me to quit when he found out, or would force me to talk to someone about my problems (of which he has not even the slightest idea, because I hide my issues very carefully). I am NOT ready to let anyone into my world. But I will have to soon. My dad kind of knows, because school isn't going too well. He is letting me have my time, because he also knows that the more pressure is put on me, the more I close up. My dad is a great person. It makes me cry just thinking about what he does for me. I so want to be worhty of his love, but just never am good enough. I can't even hug him, or let him hug me. It's just extremely uncomfortable for me. I have no idea why. I WANT him to hug me, and I WANT to hug him and let him know I love him, but somehow I can't do it.

My mother... is a different story. She is manipulative and in the time I had to live with her never let an opportunity pass to tell me I am fat and not good enough in any way. when I did something bad she'd say things like 'What will people think of you?! They will not want to be your friend, because they'll think you're a bad person for doing this or that'. So now my world revolves around being scared of what people think of me. I'm still not close to her. when I was 15 I got so fed up with everything, I went to live with my dad. These days she expects me to visit every week, to visit on my birthday and hers and her husbands (because she's 'my mother'), but she absolutely refuses to pay for anything like school. 'because she doesn't have the money'. Yeah, you just have money for a new car, a new house, a new expensive waterbed... (I could continue this list for a long time.) Thanks, 'mother'.

In school I was always bullied and never fitted in, and my sister was physically and mentally abusive (I can get into all this, but that would make this long story even longer), so I basically grew up with the 'knowledge' that I wasn't even worth the sunlight in my eyes.

I have a boyfriend, we've been together for almost 3 years now, but he'd leave me if he knew the real me. I've cheated a lot, even with one of his best friends. I do love him, I really do, he's my rock, he keeps me connected to the real world... But I keep craving attention from men, I need that for some fucked up reason. I hate myself for it, i'm definitely not proud of it.

I've been in therapy with 3 different therapists since I was 13, but it never really helped. I haven't been in therapy since a little while after I got diagnosed, but I am starting again soon.

I want to close this post with something positive... I like everything cute and cuddly, I have 4 cats! (Janssen, Joep, Rosie and Sui ) And I am for the first time in my life going to visit a concert in May of this year (I don't like crowds! so never been...)

And just wanted to say I am glad I found this place I have found some friends here! People I can talk to, who understand exactly how I feel... I feel misunderstood by everybody else, so it feels great to have found people who understand me

If I can come up with anything else I want to say i'll just edit this post ^^ I always come up with things I forgot to mention AFTER i've posted something xD

And, to follow rain's example, a picture of me

[Life is sweet]

Hello. My name is Natasha Feltra. The Feltra part I got from my mother. I'm an orphan, my parents both died when I was 10 years old. I lived in various loveless attentionless foster families, never had anyone want to adopt me. I have a half brother who's an orphan too but got adopted and has a wonderful loving huge family. I can't relate to the kid, and don't want to know him.

I have Borderline Personality Disorder - I have suspected this since I was 16 years old... about a month ago it was made official though I've been suffering from it a loooong time.

I was born in Belgium but moved to Ireland when I was 6, where I learnt to read and write and count.... that's where I was in foster families. I moved back to Belgium, was dumped with my grandparents. The depression started cause I left my friends, my accent, my identity, my dog behind. I had nothing but people who couldn't relate to me. My grandmother always put my behaviour down to me being 'emotional', 'difficult', 'hysterical', 'teenager phase'.... well, I'm still the same and I'm 21 years old.

I live where I study now, in Ghent, Belgium. Not where my grandparents live and I don't go back on weekends. I study psychology, second year, but I think I'll do social work next year and start all over. Due to the emotional turmoil I cannot concentrate. There is no stability as of now. I don't have any support, no contact from family. The only friend I had proved to be a rotten person this weekend, so I don't want to know her anymore.

I'm a mess and I know it, but I also know I'm a genuine and kindhearted person, just wanting to be there for someone.... I am in a bad spot right now and I find it hard to attach to anyone at all.

I want to be able to feel that childlike happiness and wonder again, just skipping barefoot amongst the daisies. Now all I have is my anxiety, despair and so on governing everything.

I am on the waiting list for DBT. I hope to get a phonecall to get in to next month's module, emotional regulation. It's very pricey, but I need to do something about this mess. My psychiatrist doesn't help much. He put me on an antidepressant, lexapro. I doubled the dose myself a few days ago. It wasn't helping, the tears I shed were unreal. I would say I have depression too. I don't often get anything positive nowadays. I guess it's my situation too, only heartache and letdowns. I try and make things work, but they crumble. So I wouldn't say it's all my fault.

I love animals and I'm a vegan. I love music. I wish I could say i love life, but I don't and I don't want to face the days. The way I feel is as if everything is a bad dream. I'm watching, but I'm not a part of anything, that's how unreal I feel day in day out. How does one function in a state like that. I pretend I guess, to strangers and to classmates (when I turn up).

I feel lonely and misunderstood.

Here's a silly picture:

Oh my god you are going to be a social worker too, oh my god ME TOO!!!!!!!!!! Yayyyy, whoohoo! High five! Yeah, sorry I just got so excited. I thought about switching to psychology, or nursing, but for now I'm staying with social work. Yippie.

[gun_747]

Ok well...here it goes

My name is Stevie but everyone calls me Wheezy (due ot my asthma!). I am a 26 year old male from Belfast, and rent my own apartment privately whilst waiting for my job as a chartered accountant (going to train in September) with PwC. I am an accounting graduate (got a 1st class honours which shocked me..lol) and am completing my masters degree this year. I am the youngest of 1 sister and 2 brothers, and I am very close to my sister and my mum. My father passed away a few months ago with lung cancer and a close uncle of mine passed away 4 weeks ago with motor neurone disease. In both cases it was a good thing, so please no sympathy...I don't like to see people suffer.

I have a few medical problems, some of which are serious, stage 5 asthma; osteoporosis; diabetes are the main serious ones and though I had asthma all my life, it only became serious (hospitalisations and intensive care treatment) in the last 6 years...the injected steroidal treatment has given me the other medical conditions as a side effect and my on-going teenage depression got worse. To try and deal with it all I resorted to self harming behaviour, which is only known by my family and my closet friends.

I don't talk about my self harm or my BPD with anyone, nor does anyone know when I do it. I just cover up and act okay at times but I have a close circle of friends who are like my brothers and I love them dearly. I do not have a boyfriend at present as I am not looking for one given the fact I am dealing with medical issues now.

I am happy to say this is my third day here on the BPD forums, I have read many posts and questions and spoken twice in the live chat room to really nice people. This is my only outlet to talk about BPD, although I will be mostly helping people and giving advice rather than asking for it...I don't like to worry people (lol - my biggest downfall; I went into intensive care for a few days with my asthma and I got shouted at because I didn't tell my friends..lol)

Anyways, its a pleasure to be a part of this community and I hope to fit in to somewhere on these forums, you can contact me at anytime if you need to talk...I'm always here to listen and help

Stevie

[mememe]

This is a really cool thread so i thought i had to reply!

Im Sian, im 24 years old and have a 5 year old daughter! I live in a tiny little village in North Wales, UK.

Ive never been normal, ive always been the really fucked up 1 in the family ( all my siblings (5 ) made me se that while i was growing up. In constant trouble thru my teenage years, could never deal with anythin, just used to try and walk way from it!. First S/Attempt i think i was about 10. Alcohol problems from 13.SH from the age of 14. Daily canabis use from the age of 12 just to try and calm me down.

Never sexually or physically abused, wether i was emotionaly is still to be discovered!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Failed GCSE's coz of constant drug use, bummed around and was pregnant at 17, and he left us!! Nearly killed me, then my mum dies of lung cancer. Never been ble to hold down a relationship, im trying again at the mo and hoping it works this time!

I have a fantastic job, but have been off for a year coz i cannot pysically or mentally function. I am disabled, drink far to much alcohol, take to many drugs. SH constantly, generally to my face, but havnt OD since DEC now so pround of me!!!

Love my daughter to bits, just think she would do better living with one of my sisters.

ERM ye so im off me head, hallucinate all the time, the only thing i love is horses but my sis is dead mean and wont let me ride hers for some fuckin reason, im fat and wan gastric band surgery, dont think the NHS will give it to me so at the mo only eat little bits and take loads of laxatives!!

Im taking citalopram & Carbamazapine. I hate waking up every day, its to difficult, i only get up for my daughter then go back to bed when shes in school. Live is shit, i wanna get run over by a bus!!!

Thats me, see im abnormal!!!! lol

[Primal Scream]

Good idea.

I'm Amanda aka Primal scream. I'm 34 and live in a shared house with my girlfriend and two friends in Oxfordshire.

My girlfriend is my anchor, she is my everything and I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for her

I found this wonderful site in January this year and it has really helped me to understand and accept my diagnosis of BPD.

I suffer daily with internal nameless panic and a hollow feeling of dread, it varies in its severity but its always there.

My two biggest issues are my self harm and my addiction to cannabis, both I use to try to escape the blackness, and it works temporarily. I know I have to find better coping strategies.

I started attending therapy in February this year. I am currently in the pre therapy group which I attend one afternoon a week. Once I've kicked the cannabis habit I can apply to go into the full time therapeutic community, and this is where I hope the healing will start.

In the meantime I'm battling daily, some days I have more strength than others, on bad days it really helps to post on here. Ive even started replying to posts lately which was very hard for me. I often feel so low that I feel I would be hypocritical to post in reply to someone elses distress.

I'm on anti depressants, 60mg of citalapram each day, but they don't actually help lift my mood, I think they just help me stop sinking further. I also take propanolol, which is a heart medication that helps with anxiety. They are 40mg and I can have a max of three of those in one day, I usually take just one unless I know I'm going out or something. I also take olanzapine, 7.5 mg, this has really helped to stabilise my mood for longer periods and its also helped quieten my internal voices.

I was attending university, studying for a social work degree, but I had to stop in my second year when my depression re surfaced. Now I don't work, I'm signed of sick, and as the full time therapy runs for 18 months full time, I wont be re-entering the world of work or study any time soon. I hope to return to study when I've completed therapy, but as yet I'm not sure what career direction to take in light of my BPD diagnosis. I'm now not sure if I could handle the stress of social work.

I used to be a very bubbly and sociable person, but since this episode started it has become harder and harder to get out, and I have lost my confidence. I now fear social situations, even with people I know and like. Its like life has just become to much so I hide away from it. I do try and get out but its such hard work and I don't find enjoyment in the things I used to like to do any more. I miss enjoying dancing the most. I used to love to get down to some cheesy dancing!

I've gradually "come out" about my diagnosis to most of my friends and recently to my brother and mother. Everyone has been very supportive, but they have their own lives to get on with and as I feel unable to join in, I don't see them much anymore. One lovely friend has stayed and she shares my journey to recovery and I'm grateful I know her and she accepts me whatever state I'm in.

So I currently have too much time on my hands, which makes the self harm and cannabis battle quite hard. I use distractions such as this site, doing puzzles, or playing with modelling clay, colouring, and so forth, anything to stop me giving into the urges.Im also trying hard to get myself out to day centres, to fill my days more, but due to panic Im really struggling with getting out of the house at the moment.

The one thing I have had success with lately is my alcohol use. Before January this year I was drinking around 6 to 8 cans a day, and was often getting passed out drunk. I recognised I was beginning to have a problem, so since then Ive been working really hard to reduce my use of it. Now I only drink low alcohol lager (carling 2%) and mix it with lemonade. I have about 1 or 2 of these a night, and have even achieved drink free days.

Thinks thats me up to speed!

Primal x

[donkey]

Hey,

I' ve just posted in the general introduction forum, but I would have liked to have posted in an about me section here specifically. There's a little about me. I'm not 100% confident in what to write about myself yet.

http://www.mentalhealth-world.org.uk/forum...showtopic=31674