What Might It Mean To Have A Diagnosis?

[Katherine]

I don't have a diagnosis. Great, lucky you, you might be thinking.

Me too, mostly.

My background is this -- 6 months with a Counselling Psychologist, then started therapy training, so I had to see a therapist, so I saw an Existential therapist for 9 months. Before really getting down to business with my more analytic (but also Humanistic) current therapist, who I have so far been seeing on an intensive basis for 2 and a half years.

Only last month did I venture to my GP for medication help. For depression, anxiety and panic attacks.

My therapist said a while back that I 'may be' Borderline, and bases some of her interventions on healing the traits.( My tutor once said that I am fairly low down on the BPD scale, that its just really certain things that send me 'there'.) But DSM diagnosis isn't what we're about really. We also work on the basis of PTSD traits.

All this is because

1)I had a traumatic early birth, didn't get the bonding, reassurance and closeness with my mother that would have enabled me to develop the ability to contain intense emotions.

2)My father was very paranoid, possibly close to Borderline himself. There were constant family rows, some domestic violence--which I witnessed, and he threatened to send me away to 'a home for bad children' frequently. Something never acted upon. I am an only child.

3)I was bullied constantly at school from age 7 to 17. Every day I was pursued and tormented, called spas, ugly, titch, E.T. (I have a long neck), beanshoot, brace face (having traintrack braces) etc, my stuff hidden and thrown around. By the time I was 17 the girls threw chairs across the classroom at me. Any weakness or vulnerability---they found it. The teachers did ---- ZILCH. Even blamed me. I survived most by dissociation---and my innate resilience.

So it would come as no surprise that I have difficulties with assertiveness. I do well at my work in the library and I enjoy it. But there is one member of staff who I have a problematic relationship with. Her personality is very self important, domineering almost, undercutting my authority at times---and in front of customers. This brings up painful associations to having been bullied, which I'm ***working on***.

I had to sign my appraisal form yesterday. In my appraisal I highlighted my difficulties with this woman, and whilst my manager was supportive--is looking for assertiveness training for me, etc--I don't feel she sees or understands how this is a problem for me.

At the bottom of the form is that ethnic origin tick thingy. And---- are you disabled? (Includes mental health problems like depression.)

I ticked no. Because I don't have a formal medically sanctioned diagnosis, I couldn't truthfully put yes. But no isn't really the truth either.

And I've been wondering, if I had had the wherewithal to put yes, could I be understood better, given more support and space to air my issues etc. But my manager knows I was bullied, she knows I am on antidepressants.

I don't know any answer, I am simply trying to see how I can make things better for myself, to try and ensure that I, this time round in my life, am taken as fully seriously at work as my therapist takes me seriously.

If anyone has read this far down and is still interested, I'd welcome any of your thoughts.... Thanks

lorna

[Amy]

No matter your issues outside of the work place, you shouldn't be subjected to any type of treatment you have described. I would take it to management. Others likely would in your position. Your main argument is that its very bad for the public to see this type of display. That will quickly get your management to investigate the staff member. You have to put on a brave face and hold your head up high that day. Fall apart once you leave the office, go to the restroom, but look strong in the office. You can do this. Then she will not hurt you anymore. Worth a shot, right?

As far as telling your manager anything about your therapy and possible future dx's, I would advise against it. I feel your manager knowing you take antidepressants is enough. Talk to your therapist about it and take their advise about telling your manager. (not necessarily mine, but at least wait until you have spoken to your therapist).

Good luck

Amy

[Katherine]

thanks Amy, I'll get back to you later to reply cos I don't have long now...

thanks again.

lorna

[calyps]

Lorna,

I think communicating with your boss can be a great thing but only if: you trust them and you know you can explain things to them in a way they understand. I was 'lucky' enough to be given the BPD diagnosis after I had started my current job so those I had grown close to at work have made that journey of discovery with me and we have learnt together. But then, I think I'm really lucky to work for an employer that takes staff welfare so seriously. Hang on, you're in the UK and you work in a Library? So you're employed by the Council? If so, you got it made sweetie, that whole Investors in People crap is just made for us! As for ticking the disabled box- this you can do because for jobs it doesn't mean the same thing as being disabled in the 'social' sense- your employer should be aware that you have these problems, you are receiving treatment, and that it has an ability to seriously affect your journey through life.

At my last acheivement interview I wrote down exactly what it takes emotionally and physically for me to get up, leave the house, be at work (entitled 'why I'm always late for work'). When my boss read it he told me I was 'a remarkable woman'- he thinks i have so much strength to deal with all the BPD stuff AND leave the house that no-one had better mess with me, yeah! I think if I hadn't been honest about the limitations I have due to this illness from the start things wouldn't be so sweet now. Basically, people who need to know, know enough that should anyone above them in the hierarchy start questioning my frequent absence or whatever, I got these guys in my corner.

Sometimes I wonder if I should just keep my mouth shut cos I feel like I am constantly moaning, but when I do go quiet my colleagues are gentle, they understand my need for time out.

Think long and hard about it. There is no reason why you should feel ashamed- you're trying your best to get by in this crazy world. Think about how much you want to reveal, you could just explain that there is this problem and then let them ask questions.

Good luck!

Anwen

[Katherine]

Amy and Anwen,

Thanks so much for your support. I'll try and respond to both your posts as much as I can.

I have told my manager, though maybe I haven't been as clear as I could be. The librarian sees what goes on (this woman is like this with others too, it is part of her personality, not all of it, but still part) and has tried to explain to the manager too, but the manager is firm in not 'pointing the finger at any individual'. Which is a fine ideal, promoting responsibility on all counts---or it SHOULD do. If I wasn't likely the only one who is actually taking responsibility for her own personality development.....I am NOT willing to carry the burden.

To have actually even highlighted my issue as I have is good for at least a first step for me, because it isn't hidden any more.

Yesterday the woman said and did something that undercut me for another member of staff. I questioned her and the other supported me, and it was ok, I was assertive. I felt Sooooo good about myself!!!!

I am going to observe the progress of this carefully. And Anwen, you are right, working for a London Council I am ideally placed for the right kind of support should I ever get (or choose to go with depression and anxiety as it)a diagnosis. In fact I have recently completed a disability awareness training so I am in the know!!!!

I am bearing in mind that if what I have in process doesn't work like I hope, to maybe get some independent advice. After all I am sure that there is someone attached to human resources on a confidential basis for this kind of thing. Shall research anyway.

Thanks for your support.

love,

lorna