Compulsive Lying

[Wisdom]

As a therapist of 22 yrs I ask you is there anything within you that is driving you to counsel him with regards to his lying? Did your family of origin have secrets or other when you were a kid? Seems his problem is more of an issue with you than it is for him. Until he's willing to lower his defences then there's not much you can do without wounding him more.

Your a friend. Not a counselor/therapist. I admire your loyality but focus your energies on being a good psych/thera student and a loyal friend. Don't take the speck out of his eye before you take it from yours. Also trying to psychoanalysis the reasons for his "behavior" might be emotionally destructive.

My advise is for you to trust your friend unconditionally. Lies and all. Thats the greatest gift you can give to him. Once he truely feels trust maybe he can let down his defenses without exposure (if he does it at all). Lastly, for the purpose of liability you might want to chat with your professors. If I were you I wouldn't want legal action taken against me before my career began......

Unknown

A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.

Om Mani Peme Hung = compassion to you my friend

Wisdom

[InnerPeace]

As a therapist of 22 yrs I ask you is there anything within you that is driving you to counsel him with regards to his lying?

I don't see myself as counselling him...I would like a romantic relationship with him (we have already been at the stage of talking about living together) and my lack of trust is a bar to that happening. For us to have a balanced relationship there needs to be honesty. I'm not trying to make him stop lying, I have made it clear to him that there needs to be honesty before we can have a relationship. Whilst being aware of his lying when we were communicating I would accuse him of lying but would say that if such and such had been the case, that would have been ok...that was trying to assure him that he could feel safe with me rather than counsel him.

Did your family of origin have secrets or other when you were a kid? Seems his problem is more of an issue with you than it is for him. Until he's willing to lower his defences then there's not much you can do without wounding him more.

My father had an affair which broke up the family when I was 2 but otherwise everything has always been in the open. I'm a very open person and find it hard to understand why anyone would want to lie to me, it's not something I'm used to. I'm hoping I'm not wounding him at all, his has admitted lying to me before and when he said he wanted us to live together he said that the lying would stop. I'm not accusing him of lying...I want him to know that it's safe for him to lower his defences when he's ready to.

It is more my problem than his...my problem is that I can't start a relationship with somoene unless I can trust them and I know what they're real circumstances are. This relationship may involve me moving myself and my daughter 200 miles...I must be sure of it is safe to do so. Even if he moves to be with me...there are matters that I must know about. To be fair though it's the times when he has felt readiest to have the relationship with me that he has been the most open...but it's the fact that he's half-way to having a relationship with me and lying that is worrying me. I'm scared about whether he ever will be totally honest with me and wheher if he feels totally ready to be with me that he will be completely honest then and whether he will find the courage to say that he told me a load of lies and then have the relationship. He's already said once that he wouldn't lie to me, how does he turn around now and say "sorry, I did it again." He needs to feel in a safe place to say that to me so that the relationship can move forward when and if he feels ready. But what does that mean about me, that I keep letting myself be lied to? Am I naive to think it wouldn't continue or stifling my emotions by saying it doesn't matter when it does.

Your a friend. Not a counselor/therapist. I admire your loyality but focus your energies on being a good psych/thera student and a loyal friend. Don't take the speck out of his eye before you take it from yours. Also trying to psychoanalysis the reasons for his "behavior" might be emotionally destructive.

I'm more than a friend...we're soulmates and love each other deeply and want to have a life long relationship if that's possible. I have a certificate in counselling...not much I know but it's better than nothing, but then maybe a little knowledge is a dangerous thing...I do my best to be careful, I have no feelings of grandiosity. I have an inquisitive mind...I like to understand and it helps me to know how to be with his lying and how to react myself. I don't like feeling lied to, I need to understand how someone who loves me can lie to me, I still love him eventhough he lies to me. I need to sort in my mind where my and his boundaries are becaue I have difficulty with boundaries.

My advise is for you to trust your friend unconditionally. Lies and all. Thats the greatest gift you can give to him. Once he truely feels trust maybe he can let down his defenses without exposure (if he does it at all). Lastly, for the purpose of liability you might want to chat with your professors. If I were you I wouldn't want legal action taken against me before my career began......

Unknown

A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.

Om Mani Peme Hung = compassion to you my friend

Wisdom

I'm not counselling him but thank you for your concern regarding legal action...I think he's damaged me more emotionally rather than the other way around! Actually that's not true...he has been one of my greatest teachers.

I have loved and trusted him unconditionally since we met, I have pushed aside my thoughts of being lied to and said nothing, totally going with what he has told me. It's now that the possibility of living together has come that it is a problem for me.

Thank you Wisdom.

PS...I've added my replies within the quote and put your writing in italics...still not very clear but the best I could manage!

[Wisdom]

My hugs to you

Wisdom

[InnerPeace]

Thanks Wisdom, it's so hard to know how to get the balance right. I don't want my fears to get in the way of the relationship but at the same time his lying is a real worry but in replying to you I did start to realise that he was open at the point of being fully wanting to be with me so maybe I should have faith that all will be ok when he is truly ready for us to be together.