How Do We Know When Depression Is Lifting?

[jai]

another question from me.

how do we know when depression is really lifting?

for me my daily diet of not wanting to do anything, go anywhere or initiate anything creates a constant battle within me.

i do go out and walk the doggy, mooch around second hand shops once a week now. otherwise i am at home , my time goes, my days pass and still i dont always know where it all goes.

one day i will be well , how will i know, how will i know its not the impulsive side of me just having a bit of fun for the day, versus a sustained feeling of wellbeing and sense of worth that really is the foundation of my every thought.

sorry to ramble and ask what must seem like a silly question.

thought it would be nice to focus on that time when this time is over.

jai

[JTBadBug]

I would guess that we won't know when it is lifting...just one day we shall look back and think...hey...life if good at the moment and I have not thought about my problems for weeks, months.

I have broken out of this once before...I had my dog...and 6 months later I found myself driving home thinking how wonderful life was...I had not niticed things improving...I only noticed once I was well out of the pit.

Not sure if that helps at all...I do hope though that the fact that you have asked this question today means that you have had a good day or two of late

Oh well, you take care (((Jai)))

Jane

[InnerPeace]

I think when you realise your starting to view things differently, when you can see the beauty in things and take pleasure in things. When you feel able to tackle something that's longer term or in the future, wanting to go out, be with people, able to do the things that have been hanging over you as needing to be done but just haven't been able to.

For me it was after a reiki healing with someone very gifted, I got home and caught my reflection in the mirror, I stopped and smiled at myself! Then people at work told me how much happier I was. Then I realised I was looking at colours in nature and seeing the beauty around me I never noticed before. More recently it's been about taking control of my and my daughter's life more, picking up the phone and arranging things.

[jai]

ty Jane and Inner

both of your replies made me realise how far i have to go, but also how it is attainable. Peace is something i crave, moreover a reason for existing beyond being ill.

my physical probs are taking over just now. it has added to an already fragile state i seem to be in.

hugs

jai

[icicle]

Just wanted to say that not so long ago I was asking myself the same question, how will I know when I'm better. If you are asking that question that obviously you are not better, because when you are you suddenly just know. I have BPD, and thought that perhaps I would not be able to tell the difference betwen my depression and my BPD, but now my depression has lifted, I totally can - at first its a very weird feeling, but I could see clearly what was my depressive illness, and what was 'me'. In my opinion (and I ain't no doctor!!) if your questioning when you'll know your better, then perhaps your depression is starting to lift ever so slightly, it will take time, this is only the beginning of the recovery, but eventually you will be able to clearly see that you are better, and believe me, you will know for certain. Hope this helps? I know how confusing and scary it all is when you're still right in the middle of it all.

[jai]

ty icicle

your reply gives me hope, i m not keeping track of how many good days i have, i think its around 2 out of 7, so still not fab but i reckon i need to see if there are more then maybe one day i wont need to count anymore!

jai

[becsnoamp]

Hi Jai,

Hey, I'm glad you asked this question. I read the responses as well and its reassuring to know that there's others who are diagnosed with bpd that also have depression. Golly, my cpn can be SO convincing. He maintains that those with bpd do NOT have clinical depression as well, even if the psych has diagnosed those with bpd with it, like he has me.

However, I am CONVINCED and ALWAYS have been since day 1 I also have depression. Going thru a rough episode at the moment although starting to gradually improve now. However, support has been withdrawn from the psychiatric centre because I am "unwell" at present.

For me, you feel depression is starting to lift very very gradually. Remember it can take months for a depression to come and months for a depression to go. You start to have good days and bad days and eventually the good days out number the bad days. Its a slow process. Like 1 step forward and 2 steps back. If you have a fairly good day one day, don't be too disappointed if the next day you feel dreadful. Its part of the recovery. It can take a long time. But you will DEFINITELY get there and the depression WILL lift. The question of "when" is a bit of a mystery but it does go eventually.

When we're going through the dark time, we've just got to almost accept we are mentally unwell and realize we are not going to be able to function the same way as we usually are able to, and don't be hard on yourself if you can't do stuff you normally do. I have been bed bound virtually for a few weeks now but the last couple of weeks have been able to re-start swimming again and stuff like that. I do go straight back to bed afterwards and stay there all day, but I can see an improvement in the fact I can at least get out for an hour and do a swim. Plus I've resumed my OU studies even if it is just 10 pages at a time of reading! LOL.

Its the small tiny achievements you've got to cherish when you're depressed. Just stepping out your front door for a bit of fresh air, having a bath, going for a little walk, little things like that. Remind yourself that you are currently unwell and you are not being "lazy" for not doing stuff you normally do, but it is equivalent to having the flu or something. Once you go easy on yourself and not put pressure on yourself to "pull yourself together" as my therapist told me to do the other week, you'll recover quicker believe it or not.

Unfortunately as I've found, some mental health professionals can make you feel worse and don't seem to understand. Try and ignore them if you've got one of them! If your appointments aren't helpful and make you feel worse, don't go. Ring them up and tell them you're not well enough. Its far more constructive to take the dog for a walk or meet up with some friends that will make you laugh for a while, than it is to meet up with a MH professional who is going to be patronizing and make you feel worse. IMHO of course. However, some MH professionals are VERY helpful and I recognizes that. My therapist was extremely helpful for 3 years. However, PF my cpn has now got to her and she is no longer as understanding and sympathetic.

Let us know how you get on.

[jai]

ty Becky

your reply sounded so much like how i am every other day, dog walk , bed, housework , bed everything i do followed by time in bed. I am tired too , that is the weird thing.

i know you are right about stacking up those good days. its hard though whilst a good day with other ppl just feels like more pretending, that adds to my feelings of misery.

ill keep you posted.

hugs

jai

x

[becsnoamp]

Hi Jai,

What you explained you are doing is more or less typical depression. Severe depression is when someone cannot do anything at all, any day of the week and completely bed bound or whatever, like I was a few weeks ago. But gradually these little activities that you mentioned you are doing gradually start to come back slowly. Don't worry about the days and times you need to go back to bed. I'm doing that too. Just give yourself praise that you're doing what you are doing.

[becsnoamp]

Oh yeah I can certainly relate to your comment about feeling the need to put on an "act" in front of other people. That's why when I'm unwell I don't really like seeing anyone unless its someone that knows me really really well and understands.

[jai]

((((((((Becky))))))))

ditto and those who really know are zero in my life.

i hate the feelings of not belonging. Before there was always something to keep me going but now there really is nothing and it scares me. Finding something to live for every day is my first struggle. If i make it to bedtime, i feel i did well.

jai

[pablambert]

I have to agree with the writers who have said that you don't really know that depression has lifted until it's been gone for awhile. So ... I count success in small steps. Celebrate every step up from the pit, every step out towards other people, and every bit of light that you allow into the darkness. Today, for no reason I can explain, I am functioning again ... Hurrah!. There will be consequences at my job for the lost days; but, tomorrow is soon enough to deal with that. Today, I'm celebrating the fact that my husband noticed that I smiled.

[jai]

awwwww ty Pablambert

i am so up and down , down mostly and my ups are just like ripples in water they disappear as soon as they are made.

it made me smile to hear you say your hubby noticed your smile and when its really comes from within and is nt there to make sure others feel comfortable its a wonderful feeling.

sending more smiles

jai

[pablambert]

I think I am recovering from this episode ... shattered and shaky, but functioning. Each decision to move towards society feels like taking a step on ice. I'm not sure I'm going to stay on my feet. I'm not sure the ice will hold, but I am so glad (I don't feel glad, but I know I am) to be upright and moving forward! Being outside (and not hidden in my safe place) knowing that I'm not all right was sort of thrilling ... like not wearing any underwear in public and laughing at everybody else because they don't know why I'm smiling. I know somebody here knows what I'm talking about; don't you?

I just made it through my first day back at work masquerading as my cheerful, goofy self. Thankfully, I'm in a training course and not doing my real job. I've got 3 weeks to enjoy being with people who will probably not see me fall into the pit. (If you read this already on the introduction forum, sorry! I'm still learning how to navigate.)

Before I get much further from the pit, I want to tell you now before I forget where I've been ... If you're at the bottom, you can't go any lower ... the bottom will hold you (sometimes really firmly!) until you are ready to ascend. If you are in the darkest place, a tiny glimmer of light can guide you back to the sunshine. Hold on to HOPE!

[pablambert]

((((((jai, jane, InnerPeace, icicle, Becky,)))))

Rereading your posts is so, so, SO comforting. All of you have suffered; all of you have survived to share your wisdom with the rest of us! I do have a question: Is there a dictionary somewhere that I can use to figure out all the abbreviations? ty (I figured out a couple on my own.)

Oh, yeah! Please call me "George." I forgot to sign my first post on this thread.

[jai]

ty George

good news about the work, not sure about being naked in public tho hon, its minus one out there, id be wrapping up if i were you!!

seriously yes i do understand but i still hide out mostly and am too disconnected the minute i am around ppl to make any real sense. this is depressing, its like someone stole who i am and just scribbled me out. So its a misery, but if i stay in and play house all day i just about survive. What a sad admission eh?

as for the abbrecviations, i will start a separate thread and see what the good ppl of BPD world can do to help out.

hugs

Jai

x

[pablambert]

Hello jai and all others who visit

jai, I'm wondering something. When I read your notes, I see and hear a healthy, friendly person; but you share that social interaction is uncomfortable. When I am really sick, I can write a message, but I can't pick up the phone and call someone, nor do I want to see other people. Have you wondered why it is that we can reach out in writing, but struggle in other social interactions?

I'm still better than I was, but today wasn't so great. I couldn't grasp what was taught in class. After that, my dear friend drove us to a restaurant for dinner, but almost as soon as we sat down, I became agitated by what I perceived as her critical attitude. I asked her to take me home and upset her very badly. We talked it over and are reconciled, but it was difficult and painful. There is so much loss as a result of the falls and I grieve. I think this is part of recovery.

Good night, love and hugggggs, George

[jai]

ty george

it sounds like the resturant was a brave move and im glad you and friendy could talk it over.

for me even stepping foot in one for more than a coffee with bf occassionally freaks me out. I break out in a sweat just thinking about actual social interaction away from my home.

i dont know why this is easier, maybe cos ppl can nt see us hiding.

ty george

hugs back

jai