LadyMacbeth Posted December 23, 2004 Report Share Posted December 23, 2004 I am back in NJ for Christmas!!!!!!!!! Listening to some Metallica because I am in the mood for some rock! I really want to vent about my therapist I saw her yesterday but I get so paranoid at times that maybe she knows about this site and comes on just to read more about BPD. I am really paranoid but I know that she knows that I would probably find a site about BPD because I am such an avid researcher on this subject. I now finished college and I was not dealing with that too well since it was my life! But, I need to deal with it and change can be good I keep telling myself. Plus, the people that I am close to at my school such as a professor an my former T I can always visit. They always made me feel so much better about myself so I have told myself that whenever I feel down read an e-mail from my former T or she wrote me this note to carry with me and whenever I felt down I should read it and I posted it in my journal so whenever I feel down I will read it. My friend bought me a journal with a lock on for x-mas so I am going to write how I feel and ways I can change my behavior in it so I can reflect on how I feel. I have told myself and I feel a little better knowing that I am in control of my life no one else and I have the ability to find a decent job and get into a grad school. I would like to obtain my Master's in Social Work so I have to work on getting into a grad school. If I could do college again I would have def majored in Psychology I find it rather fascinating. But, I do not think I can get a Masters in Psych if I did not obtain a BA in the subject. But, social work in similar. I really want to do something where I am helping people especially people like us. I think when people care about us it just makes things easier and I want to do that for other people. So I am going to spend Christmas break looking for a job where in Human Services or something. Sorry this is probably really boring to read I just felt like writing down my thoughts to persuade myself I have options. Baila Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
calyps Posted December 24, 2004 Report Share Posted December 24, 2004 Hey, I find it uplifting, not boring, to read this post. Sometimes I feel there are just so many things I want to do but I'm too much of a procrastinator to sort it out. I know what you mean about wanting a job that helps people, when I graduated from uni I had this major crisis about the fact that for the first time in my life I was working purely to earn money, and not to learn or help others, the planet (I have a degree in environmental science), whatever. Now I work in Housing and Council Tax benefit so I get to help people who need it anyway (and prob a few who don't need it and just work the system!) You do us proud, have a fantastic christmas and happy job hunting! Anwen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyMacbeth Posted December 24, 2004 Author Report Share Posted December 24, 2004 That is so sweet anwen! You have a wonderful Christmas as well! I am a procrastinator too and I love to avoid things! But, I have to be an adult now! Hey, I find it uplifting, not boring, to read this post. Sometimes I feel there are just so many things I want to do but I'm too much of a procrastinator to sort it out. I know what you mean about wanting a job that helps people, when I graduated from uni I had this major crisis about the fact that for the first time in my life I was working purely to earn money, and not to learn or help others, the planet (I have a degree in environmental science), whatever. Now I work in Housing and Council Tax benefit so I get to help people who need it anyway (and prob a few who don't need it and just work the system!) You do us proud, have a fantastic christmas and happy job hunting! Anwen <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katherine Posted December 24, 2004 Report Share Posted December 24, 2004 hey Baila, I didn't find it boring either! Wishing you the best with your plans. I understand cos that's one of the reasons I'm hoping I can make it through the therapy training course I'm on. And I sometimes wonder if my therapist has seen this site too....cos I want her to know how I am, and I want to know where she is... ....and I wonder about my tutors too----that one IS scary..... lorna Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyMacbeth Posted December 24, 2004 Author Report Share Posted December 24, 2004 Well, I am glad someone feels that way too because I thought I was just being paranoid but I think that if I were a therapist I would search the web for a site just to get a deeper understanding into the heads of people with BPD. I am not completely sure but I have been searching around for a therapist who specializes in DBT in my area and it does not look too promising. I am not sure if many therapists are interested in treating people with BPD. I would though if I were a therapist. I think that if my former therapist read these posts she would know it was me and thats scary because she knows me too well! Be well Lorna keep doing what your doing because you seem to be keeping active and thats good! Baila Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katherine Posted December 24, 2004 Report Share Posted December 24, 2004 the sad thing is that some of the trainee therapists I know have such negative views of bpd, such stereotypes. well, its up to people like us to educate them and change their minds. there are therapists out there who understand bpd with compassion. all the best for your search/es! lorna Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyMacbeth Posted December 24, 2004 Author Report Share Posted December 24, 2004 You are right I have been reading a lot of the subject and sometimes it comes across as we are manipulative and crap. But, not everyone is the same I mean things have happened in our lives which has made in difficult to trust people because we have been abandoned, rejected, emotionally and physcially abused. Of course some of us are going to be angry, depressed, and feel an intense self-hatred. I mean I think that because my mother or her family rejects me that everyone else will. I always felt that way and I have always has problems getting close to people but things started to deteriorate two years ago. My former T expressed her concern to the point I would think of her when I felt like hurting myself because I know she genuinely cared. I was never manipulative I was just open and honest with her like she was with me. But, I think it takes a lot of time and energy to be as dedicated to people as she was or some of your therapists and not everyone has the patience, compassion, and understanding and that could be a reason why its not so popular to study. But, I could be completely wrong. I know I am not a bad person I know what my issues are. And I know that you guys aren't bad people either and thats why it is our job to eradicate the stereotype. Baila the sad thing is that some of the trainee therapists I know have such negative views of bpd, such stereotypes. well, its up to people like us to educate them and change their minds. there are therapists out there who understand bpd with compassion. all the best for your search/es! lorna <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katherine Posted December 24, 2004 Report Share Posted December 24, 2004 exactly...hear hear..... !!! after all, in all the traits and behaviour there is a search for something that has been missing....the seacrch can be heart rending...painful and terrifying....if I want attention it is often because I need it and my child self/behaviour within me that is stuck at a child level of development recahes out for what it needs and is learning to be educated to seek in a clearer and more caring way. The child in me has been hurt, rejected, tormented, humiliated. And if to want acceptance, a natural human desire is seen as manipulative or difficult , that to my adult concerned mind is rather tragic. Its great not to be manipulative, but, even if one is, is it so great a sin for therapists not to want to help? No. I remember my therapist defining 'acting out' to me, and she also says it is usually unconscious. To my mind it stems from anxiety and panic, as well as not knowing any other ways to communicate. those are my thoughts anyway.... lorna Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katherine Posted December 24, 2004 Report Share Posted December 24, 2004 ...what I mean is, that therapists should not see manipulative behaviour, or, the deepest craving for love and acceptance, as a sin. It is a wound that needs help and compassionate attention rather than judgement. perhaps it makes people afraid. For me, if I judge my behaviour as manipulative, it stops me from working with it in a compassionate way, and stops me learning and growing. l. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyMacbeth Posted December 24, 2004 Author Report Share Posted December 24, 2004 I definetly see your point and you are very perceptive of your own behaviours. I think that is a good thing and in my case to because I do believe that you need to understand yourself and were you are coming from in order to help yourself and seek the help you need. I think that many people with BPD are very aware of how they feel and understand where this pain and hurt stems from unlike some other mental illnesses where its not the case. I act out on ways too such as reverting back to starvation, drinking to ease the pain or anxiety I feel or when I had cut myself. The only time I ever did cut myself I was at work and it was because of the way people treated me I felt like a worthless human being. Although I did not do it in a manipulative way but maybe it was taken that way. Usually if I had cut myself I would not have shown up for my therapy sessions or cancelled and my therapist knew something was up. I just did not want to tell her but I eventually did. I guess it was a cry for help. I feel the same way as you that the child in me has also been hurt, rejected, and humiliated. I guess what I have been shown in therapy is that only bc my mother or some family members treated me that way does not mean I am a horrible person and everything perceives me as my family. But, it is terribly hard to get rid of that feeling. Especially as I see it families are supposed to love eachother no matter what. I agree that I don ot think that anyone intentionally manipulates and if I have done and I will admit I have done it to friends its because I am scared and anxious and feel completely out of control at that time. I also think your therapist is right that "acting out" is usually done on an unconscious level. I think the key for success on either the patient or therapist is trust and understanding. Without that I do not think the relationship will work. Baila . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katherine Posted December 24, 2004 Report Share Posted December 24, 2004 ...fear can be a really powerful stimulus for action. .......can we trust that our cries for help will be be understood and heard? Back in the past there was noone to hear them, and, trapped in a world of isolation and fear and lack of sense of worth it is an anxiety provoking journey to face the world and begin to see and feel that there are people out there who are willing to help, understand, communicate, who will not turn away. lorna Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyMacbeth Posted December 24, 2004 Author Report Share Posted December 24, 2004 Exactly Lorna. I feel that some people really do care and there are some good people in this world. ...fear can be a really powerful stimulus for action. .......can we trust that our cries for help will be be understood and heard? Back in the past there was noone to hear them, and, trapped in a world of isolation and fear and lack of sense of worth it is an anxiety provoking journey to face the world and begin to see and feel that there are people out there who are willing to help, understand, communicate, who will not turn away. lorna <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katherine Posted December 24, 2004 Report Share Posted December 24, 2004 and when the family-like with you- still act in the same way, and are there as a reminder of what was, I know how hard it is. In my experience that what separation from my parents and becoming an individual in my own right is all about. In one of my angry stages tho my father got paranoid and thought my therapist was trying to separate me from them, I tried to explain that I was 34 and not a child any more. Thankfully I have learnt from that experience, and I now only text my parents every week, now only phoning them when I am going to be seeing them. I used to call them once a week. I don't talk about my therapy, they don't know I'm on meds or that I've been depressed. They would only worry and make me feel guilty, it could even make my mum ill again. Sorry, I rambled on there. I hope it made sense? lorna Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyMacbeth Posted December 24, 2004 Author Report Share Posted December 24, 2004 You make a lot of sense just get off whats on your mind. My mother knows I am in therapy and constantly asks what my therapist says about her. She is paranoid well I guess she has a right to be but anyone my sessions are not just about her. My family on her side think my therapists have brained washed me against them. But, like you I have separated from them and have become my own person. I know my mother cannot control me any more but the residue of the past still haunts me. I have my own life and my own friends and I do not speak to my mother because she will just make me feel even worse. But it does upset me because I want a mother. and when the family-like with you- still act in the same way, and are there as a reminder of what was, I know how hard it is. In my experience that what separation from my parents and becoming an individual in my own right is all about. In one of my angry stages tho my father got paranoid and thought my therapist was trying to separate me from them, I tried to explain that I was 34 and not a child any more. Thankfully I have learnt from that experience, and I now only text my parents every week, now only phoning them when I am going to be seeing them. I used to call them once a week. I don't talk about my therapy, they don't know I'm on meds or that I've been depressed. They would only worry and make me feel guilty, it could even make my mum ill again. Sorry, I rambled on there. I hope it made sense? lorna <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katherine Posted December 25, 2004 Report Share Posted December 25, 2004 we all need a mother. (not my quote, but a quote from a friend!) I know that I have adopted my therapist as my new mummy..... lorna Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyMacbeth Posted December 25, 2004 Author Report Share Posted December 25, 2004 Aw...thats so cute...can I have the name of your T? Kind of hard living an ocean away. I actually have a really close friend who is twice my age and I have known her for like ten years. She used to be friends with my parents but my mother stopped talking to her claiming she was a weak person bc her husband was an alcoholic and cheated on her and it was hard to let go. My friend new exactly how my mother treated me and she understood me. My mother was so jealous that we were so close she would tell me things to make it seem she was a bad person. Anyway, I am friends with her and she knows everything little thing about me and I call her up all the time and cry and freak out and she is always there for me and gives me advice even if I do not want to hear it. She is like a mother to me. I know I can talk to her and still talk to my former T so I do have some people there for me. we all need a mother. (not my quote, but a quote from a friend!) I know that I have adopted my therapist as my new mummy..... lorna <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katherine Posted December 25, 2004 Report Share Posted December 25, 2004 I'm glad you have some people there, several mummies..... My closest friend is 20 years older than me. lorna Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyMacbeth Posted December 25, 2004 Author Report Share Posted December 25, 2004 For some reason I have always felt closer to people older than me. I was always close with my teachers in high school and college. Most of my friends have always been older than me even the guys I date. I'm glad you have some people there, several mummies..... My closest friend is 20 years older than me. lorna <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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