Thinking Out Loud

[LadyMacbeth]

Its Christmas Day and I decided to spend it alone. I just did not feel like being around people because I am in such a dismal mood and I do not want to ruin everyone's Christmas. I am not someone who can just pretend to be enjoying myself. I cannot even understand myself I am so contradicting. I do not like being alone most of the time but then I exclude myself. My dad went to his girlfriend's house and my sister went to her boyfriend's house. I am not speaking to my sister and we probably will not speak for a long time because we had an enormous fight. I feel tired because I am not sleeping well and I am still angry. My mother calls my sister to wish her a Happy Christmas on her cell phone and my grandmother gave my sister money for Christmas and just sent me a card. Sorry if this sounds woe is me. I should not be complaining about it I guess but it does hurt because I feel so constantly rejected but in their eyes its my fault. My sister has always been the "apple in the eyes" of my mother and her side of the family she cannot fail. I think they have forgotten that only a few years ago that she was more of a mess than I am. My therapist said I am jealous of my sister. I do not think I am. I mean I am in a better position than her or I will be. Her worries just disappeared after she had a child. But before she had her child she was sleeping around, doing drugs, taking diet pills, drinking heavily, going through episodes of depression. My mother gave her her car when she turned 17 and although I am three years older my mother had told me that I would have to buy my own car and pay for the entire insurance in order to drive just because she asked me at 13 years of age if I wanted her car when I turned 17. I told my mother "No, I want a lexus." She held that against me for five years. But at thirteen I was determined on becoming an actress any moving to Beverly Hills. I was living with my head in the clouds much like any normal girl at that age.

When it came time to college she would only support me if I went to this one college close to home. I did not want to go I want to get away and I knew I would not get in because of my SAT scores. I didn't get in and she washed her hands with me and my dad had to help me find a college. I left for college and worked my tail off. I thought I could please my mother that way but she ignored me and we fought more. In college I started to feel that the chains had been finally taken off as I felt this new sense of independence I had never felt before. I started to feel better about myself and I started doing really well in school. I needed a computer but my mother refused to spend my father's money on one although he wanted to buy me one. But she bought my sister one when she went to college but was later given to me by my father when she dropped out after her first year.

I tried everything to get my mother's attention. First I started to starve myself and I was getting attention but negative attention. She threatened to kick me out. She made me see a therapist who I did not like. Some guy who just sat there and listened ot me talk. I refused to talk because I could be extremely stubborn.

My mother was so emotionally abusive and it does not seem that my family wants to believe that they accuse me of pushing her to that point. My motehr wants told me that if I were someone on the street she would not like me but she has to put up with me. My sister had to have surgery on her hips and she told me she wished I was in the hospital instead of my sister so I knew how it felt. After that statement I started to develop panic attacks and paranoia thinking that I was going to die. I cannot remember that much about my relationship with my mother because I have pushed it in the back of my mind and when I try to remeber it I get anxious and angry. She never hit me she thought she was a good mother bc she did not hit her children but I do not think she realizes that emotional abuse can be just as scarring even more intense for that matter.

I think my dad blames himself because he never stopped her because she would start a fight with him and then make things worse for me by threatening to divorce him on my account. Things changed though almost three years ago. My mother started to become obsessed with the internet and we found out she was seeing someone as she would take frequent trips to the shore alone. Then a few months after we found out she moved out of state with this guy.

For some reason she still has the power to frighten me. I have not seen her in over a year and I refuse to speak to her. But its my fault! I am starting to think that it is my fault. How can my sister have a completely different relationship with her than I. My mother and her were best friends. You think that my mother would be proud of me for finishing college and being the first graduate in the family. But for some reason I guess she could not care less she did not give a crap if I went to college or not in the first place.

Before two years ago I did have problems...I am thinking the early signs of BPD such as paranoia and low self esteem. Making it hard for me to get too close to people. But, I was actually starting to overcome those feelings. I had never drank or smoked. I was a member of almost every club on campus and I was a member of the Church. I used religion and my studies as a mask for my depression. But I was in a different world I had many friends and always somewhere to go or someone to turn to when I felt alone or sad. I started seeing a therapist who left. I was devastated until I found a new one. But, I was happier and felt more secure than ever before.

For some reason things started to change my senior year. I became really depressed started to smoke and drink because I just did not care. First time I had cut myself and I distanced myself from the people I cared about and genuinely cared about me. I dropped out of all my activities and spend most of my time in bed crying. I replaced my decent friends with people who treated me like crap or like my mother had. I turned into a completely different person. Then I started hating myself even more because I started to regret my mistakes and the fact that I lost interest in school. I really hadn't but I could not take leaving this place of sanctuary. After intensive therapy sessions I did improve it took almost two years to finish. But, I still regret what happened and I still hate myself for what happened. I guess I am just blabbing on because I have a lot on my mind.

I know deep down that some people do care for me and like me. But, they are not family. Sometimes I fear people knowing me too well because they may hate the real me. But I have shown my true self to my friends even though I do have my downfalls like my BPD characteristics.

I just want to scream at my mother for not loving me like she did my sister or making me feel fat and ugly. Making me feel worthless. Maybe she is not all to blame but I just feel so rejected!!!!!!!!!

Baila

[lostsoul]

((((((baila))))))

i'm glad you got that off your chest.. i will read your journal in a bit too...

gosh it sounds like your family, especially your mum, has not treated you fairly at all. no wonder you feel so rejected... wouldn't anyone? you certainly sound as though you are quite isolated right now. hon, i dunno what to say. just try to realise that you did not bring this shit on yourself, ok? and maybe it was for the best that you spend xmas by yourself this time, but hopefully this won't have to become a habit. it seems that you would benefit a lot from more secure and productive family relationships... has any therapist ever asked to see your family as part of your treatment???? it is often helpful for a person to be treated within their situation, as in, acknowledge the factors in the persons wider social circle to be as relevant to the MH problem as interal client centred factors.

who knows? maybe they have found it difficult to understand you and that has contributed to the unfair treatment... i have no idea if this is possible obviously as i was not party to any of your life, but i know with bpd we can push people away so easily and then ask where did everyone go?!! i am not suggesting that any of this is your fault though i hope you understand that... some people are just nasty and maybe your mum is one of those, i dunno.

and i know that estrangement has brought relief for you to a degree, and may prevent them being brought in on therapy, but it is just a thought... maybe an opportunity for everyone to know where they stand and why, before things become even more acrimonious....

anyway. stuff that for now. i have been thinking of you and all my other friends here today. i hope today was tolerable. put it behind you and start another year.

all my love

claire

xx

by the way i totally agree about the emotional abuse. the same is surely true of psychological abuse. it truly can scar you for life. sorry you went through that

sorry you feel it has not quite ended yet.. we are here so keep talking ok?

[LadyMacbeth]

Hey Claire,

I am feeling a little better now. I am tired though. I told my dad I would go to my neighbour's house with him later when he comes back from his girlfriend's. That means I have to look semi-decent because the daughter of my neighbour and I used to be really close friends in high school until she stole many of my boyfriends by waving sex in their faces. I have lost weight and she gained a ton of weight so I want to look good. That sounds really bad!!!!!!!!!!!

I am hoping that after today I can forget. Well, realistically that is not possible for right now but I have to tear myself from the clutches of the past and live in the future. I cannot let the past control my life anymore because its just making me miserable.

I am not really sure what you mean about any of my therapists using my family as my treatment. My therapist I saw when I started college allowed me to see that my mother can no longer control my life. It did help a bit.

I agree I am a difficult person to understand if you do not give me a chance. I can be very distant and gloomy to some people. But, others see me in a totally different light. Its like I am two different people. I like the person I am around my friends but I dislike the person I am around my family.

My family are dead against therapy they all think I am being brainwashed and turned against them. They think that its all in my head and you need to sort out your own problems. Thats why none of them are very supportive of me because they think I need to deal with the past and move on.

I am glad you had a nice day! Thanks for the reponse.

Baila

[lostsoul]

ah well what i meant about the family and therapy was this: some therapists suggest several sessions or maybe even one off sessions in which you and a family member, say for example, your mum, both had therapy together. It is done so that the family member can be made aware of their contribution to your problems and so that you can discuss in a 'safe' and 'moderated' environment, problems between you so that you can resolve the matter...hopefully.

if your family think you are being brainwashed by therapy then they doubly should go along to see what it is all about so they can get over it lol

but it sounds as though they would be unwilling to go as they have already judged the whole process as pointless. it was just a thought anyways!

yeah, go show that girl how pretty and great you are lol she deserves to have it rubbed in

claire xxxxxxxx

[LadyMacbeth]

Someone suggested that I should have my mother come along. Not in a million years would I have my mother join one of my sessions. It would be a disaster and I feel I would never want to share my private sessions with my mother. It that were ever the case we would have to see somebody completely new. When I graduated from college my mother came up for the graduation ceremony and I wanted to introduce my parents to my therapist because she was there at the ceremony. I did not find her but I was really weirded out having my mother meet my therapist. I had no issues about my dad though.

ah well what i meant about the family and therapy was this: some therapists suggest several sessions or maybe even one off sessions in which you and a family member, say for example, your mum, both had therapy together. It is done so that the family member can be made aware of their contribution to your problems and so that you can discuss in a 'safe' and 'moderated' environment, problems between you so that you can resolve the matter...hopefully.

if your family think you are being brainwashed by therapy then they doubly should go along to see what it is all about so they can get over it lol

but it sounds as though they would be unwilling to go as they have already judged the whole process as pointless. it was just a thought anyways!

yeah, go show that girl how pretty and great you are lol she deserves to have it rubbed in 

claire xxxxxxxx

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

[Katherine]

Have you ever tried writing fantasied dialogues---e.g. between you, your mum, your therapist, kind of like a playscript?

I've often fantasied about having my parents along in a session, have even had a dream about it! But I know it wouldn't work. It would open up too much for my parents and I'd be left with the pieces.

But, you know, your mum, dad, sister could be present in another way in therapy, the internal images you hold of them are present in your psyche in whatever way, or they may be projected onto your therapist, or you may behave with her like you do with them. One can learn and grown so much that way.

I know that's how it is with me, and I'm starting to spot it now.

The other day I said something someone had said to me in exactly the tone of voice my dad would have used...it was scary, but so clear and helpful.

Dunno if that helps.

lorna

[LadyMacbeth]

I am really tired right now and drank a lot of vino but I am gonna ive what you said a try Lorna.

Love,

E

quote=lorna,Dec 25 2004, 04:30 PM]

Have you ever tried writing fantasied dialogues---e.g. between you, your mum, your therapist, kind of like a playscript?

I've often fantasied about having my parents along in a session, have even had a dream about it! But I know it wouldn't work. It would open up too much for my parents and I'd be left with the pieces.

But, you know, your mum, dad, sister could be present in another way in therapy, the internal images you hold of them are present in your psyche in whatever way, or they may be projected onto your therapist, or you may behave with her like you do with them. One can learn and grown so much that way.

I know that's how it is with me, and I'm starting to spot it now.

The other day I said something someone had said to me in exactly the tone of voice my dad would have used...it was scary, but so clear and helpful.

Dunno if that helps.

lorna

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

[Katherine]

All the best with it.

l.

[LadyMacbeth]

Today I am going to start job hunting and looking at grad schools online. Maybe write some of that fantasy screen play and maybe look for a new therapist who specializes in DBT. Must focus on the positive instead of sitting back feeling sorry for myself that I can't find a job. Coming back to the screen play I would like to write a screen play or a novel about my life. Of course I would have to embellish on a few things since my life is not that fascinating.

[Katherine]

It might not be 'fascinating', but it means a lot to you though, doesn't it, your life?

All the best with the job, school and therapist hunt!

lorna