Unsettling Memories

[LadyMacbeth]

I do not want to disregard the post on flashbacks but I thought I should post this message in a second window as a continuation of my last post. I wonder if anyone could help me here because this has been with me for the majority of my life.

When I was three years old my parents divorced and my father moved in with his parents. I remember they were not together but I have no recollection of my father or my grandparents during this time. Even though when I have attempted on numerous occasions to address this issue with my grandmother she has told me bits and pieces and is surprised with how much I remember she has told me "Why bring up painful memories you do not want to remember." I know she is hiding something but she is a wonderful person and I know she wants to protect me. She told me that I used to go over to my grandmother's house every weekend to see my father and I would ask my grandmother why she took my daddy away. I do not remember any of this. Let me get to what I do remember.

We were living in Portsmouth, England and I think my mother had her own house but I do not remember it. I do remember she had this boyfriend named Tony. I could paint you a description of him its so vivid in my mind. I thought we lived with him but the little information I received from my mother a few years back told me we only spent a few days a week there. I remember exactly what his house looked like to. I shared a room with his son who was not that much older than I. I remember his room and the position of his bed and a chinese divider in the room as well. I get this terrified feeling when I start to think about the experience. My sister was just an infant and she had her own room with a crib. Obviously we spent much time there. I know I was terrfied of him. All I can remember is laying in my bed scared to death starring at this ugly orange mobile hanging from the ceiling. I cannot remember much but growing up I was terrfied of older men even my family. I went to bed wearing more than I wore during the day. I could never let anyone look at me. I used to have terrible night terrors that this ugly male monster locked me up in a room forcing me to do things which was usually eating.

I asked my first therapist about this and she said that our memories are not exactly sound images at three years old. But, everything I remember about this man I have asked my mother or grandmother who justified these memories are valid. My friends think I could have been abused but I do not have valid evidence. I am just afraid that one day I will remember. If its not abuse then what the heck could this be.

[Katherine]

i wish i could help you with this Baila, but I'm not qualified in various ways to do that

But I can say that in my experience following the feelings is important.

And it may take time to trust a new therapist to guide you though this, when you find that therapist, be patient and gentle on yourself.

lorna

[lostsoul]

i have never had to forget anything like that because nothing that traumatic happened to me. but i know my memories are poorer regarding things that happened that were a bit traumatic.

and it is well documented that you can block memories out, but I dunno, i would er on the side of caution with that one because it could just as well be that you have these memories for other more innocent reasons...

with bpd you are accutely sensitive emotionally so you could be remembering things because there was a general vibe to that place that scared you - maybe he did scare you but not because of anything he DID. does that make sense?

i have very bad memories of my house and thats why i avoid going. for ages i couldnt live anywhere that was well decorated becasue it triggered those feelings and thoughts i had when i went home, because it reminded me of home.

interestingly, there was a lampshade hanging above my bed that had tassles and a flowery blue pattern. i could never go near anything like that, or certain colours on the walls of houses, because it would send me freaking...

i dunno if thats any help

claire

x

[LadyMacbeth]

It does help Claire...but can you develop BPD at the age of three? When does BPD develop? That is an interesting question. Are some people just born with the genes to develop it? I am not sure...I mean I want to explore it but I fear it

I do think you block out memories as a wall of protection. But I just feel something is not right and I do trust my intuition disregarding my paranoia my intuition has always been right.

YOu make complete sense though. I have always been ultra sensitive. When I went to college I could not go back to my house either cause of my mother and during breaks I stayed at school and volunteered because I did not want to go home. Now my mother has been gone three years and only now can I go back but not for long. I am there right now but I also spend much time online to forget where I am. Its like she haunts the place but yet she is still alive I guess she haunts my mind.

I think this is extremely interesting especially because we are freaked out about similar stuff. We must include this in our book.

Baila