eagles72 Posted February 15, 2007 Report Share Posted February 15, 2007 Hi everyone,I am a non bdp, so if you want me to leave I understand. My wife has been diagnosed BPD, high functioning....she is a beutiful person, smart, funny, a great mom, and when she's feeling good a wonderful wife. She has been in counseling for some time, and has done very well. Lately she is very ambivalent towards marriage and our relationship. It ebbs and flows and is very frusterating and confusing....just looking for insight, and always trying to make sure I separate her from the disorder.....thoughts are much appreciated. Thank you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jai Posted February 15, 2007 Report Share Posted February 15, 2007 wow what a balanced and thoughtful post and request.Sorry to say that insight is a hard one to give from the perspective of being bpd.I only say that as the ebbs and flows seem so inherant that ultimately separating those times when disorder rules the roost become hard for our partners, especially when they are on the receiving end of our fluctuations.So, for me, i like it when my bf is considerate, ignores me when im in a really pissy mood and loves me to death when i feel passionate and pleasing. I dont know how he survives it and still manages not to get hurt every time i say i want us to end our relationship.Not sure if this is the kind of insight you are seeking? From your post you are caring , considerate and patient, so maybe wait out the ambivilance, unless clues for some other reason for it present themselves.Hope this helps, if not just ignore my replies , i dont take it personal!!jai Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rebeccaborderline Posted February 15, 2007 Report Share Posted February 15, 2007 HI Eagles, and welcome. You sound like a great support to your wife, and happy to have you here to give you support toorebeccaborderline Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eagles72 Posted February 16, 2007 Author Report Share Posted February 16, 2007 Very Helpful, thank you so much jai....I too have learned to distance and give space. It is important too for me (hopefully for your bf) to have reasonable expectations in the relationship. I'm certainly no angel but I'm learning wow what a balanced and thoughtful post and request.Sorry to say that insight is a hard one to give from the perspective of being bpd.I only say that as the ebbs and flows seem so inherant that ultimately separating those times when disorder rules the roost become hard for our partners, especially when they are on the receiving end of our fluctuations.So, for me, i like it when my bf is considerate, ignores me when im in a really pissy mood and loves me to death when i feel passionate and pleasing. I dont know how he survives it and still manages not to get hurt every time i say i want us to end our relationship.Not sure if this is the kind of insight you are seeking? From your post you are caring , considerate and patient, so maybe wait out the ambivilance, unless clues for some other reason for it present themselves.Hope this helps, if not just ignore my replies , i dont take it personal!!jai Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
holly79 Posted February 16, 2007 Report Share Posted February 16, 2007 Hi Eagles, Welcome to the site. You're wife is very lucky to have such a caring and considerate partner in you. My lsat two relationships ended because after a year or so, neither of my boyfriends could handle my mood swings and they didn't understand that it wasn't a peronsal attack onthem it was the disorder. One of them said it was like a continual rollercoaster ride, which I understand. You feel so helpless knowing you are destroying a relationship that you really want, but th edisorder does take over and you sometimes have no choice but to swim with the current. I think if you have a look around the forum it will definitely give you insight into BPD.Holly Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
celticgirl Posted February 16, 2007 Report Share Posted February 16, 2007 :welcomeani: eagles,you sounds like a very supportive and sensitive person,and you are very welcome here...there are other non bpds in similar situations here so hopefully you'll get some support for you too....look forward to seeing you around! Kate xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crunk Posted February 17, 2007 Report Share Posted February 17, 2007 Patience - that's what you need plenty of! Those with Borderline Personality Disorder have a tendency to look towards others for proof of their self worth, they desperately need to feel wanted and loved. Underneath the erratic moods, the temper, the difficult and destructive behaviour there's a person seeking approval and the best you can do is provide unconditional love - don't place any demands or expect anything in return. Your partner possibly blows hot and cold and this can be quite uncomfortable in a relationship but you need to realise that nothing is a personal attack towards you, so perhaps not be so sensitive when it comes to such matters. Overall, don't just say you care, show you care. It's not easy dealing with unstable moods, hopefully reading posts on here will provide you with the 'insight' you're looking for, I'm sure it will give you a taster of what it's like in our world, having to fight so many feelings and emotions, the constant struggle so to say.Welcome and all the best! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eagles72 Posted February 18, 2007 Author Report Share Posted February 18, 2007 Thanks you all for insight, thoughts, suggestions, and support. This is the best resource I have found yet, and have read through so many wonderful posts....I anxiously look forward to reading every day....all my best .... Eagles! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JTBadBug Posted February 18, 2007 Report Share Posted February 18, 2007 I don't really have proper relationships so I am not best to comment on things, but, what people have said here sums up how I would like to be treated.Actually Eagles...I just wanted you to know that I think it is lovely that you are looking to support your wife and your relationship rather then running from the BPD diagnosis. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eagles72 Posted February 20, 2007 Author Report Share Posted February 20, 2007 Thank you so much JTBadBug....it's just nice knowing there are so many kind and supportive folks out there....Love your dog, we had one looked just like him :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
franklin37 Posted February 20, 2007 Report Share Posted February 20, 2007 Hi everyone,I am a non bdp, so if you want me to leave I understand. My wife has been diagnosed BPD, high functioning....she is a beutiful person, smart, funny, a great mom, and when she's feeling good a wonderful wife. She has been in counseling for some time, and has done very well. Lately she is very ambivalent towards marriage and our relationship. It ebbs and flows and is very frusterating and confusing....just looking for insight, and always trying to make sure I separate her from the disorder.....thoughts are much appreciated. Thank youHi there, I am a non bpd too, I just posted under "sister-in-law of bpd". Can you tell me how your wife realized she needed help? Did you suggest it first, or did she come to that conclusion herself? I feel like I am the only one in our family that thinks it really important that she gets help and it's frustrating. Best of luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eagles72 Posted February 20, 2007 Author Report Share Posted February 20, 2007 Hi franklin37,Thankfully she realized that she had very serious issues. At first she was diagnosed with the broad label of "depression." However, as she progressed, she finally found a great resource of therapist that diagnosed her BPD. She is very high functioning and smart, so she always knew there was something. However since she is so intellegnent her "peaks and valleys" if you will, are extreme.So my advice for your role, is educate yourself, as you are doing, and perhaps you will find a resource to recommend to her. I don't however recommend aligning family members to your side, she will feel attacked. Perhaps coming from 1 loved one, with caring and support she could be receptive. Please keep me posted or if you have more questions, I'd be happy to contribute...I certainly don't have answers, because we are still struggling every day, however, I'm learning.regards,eagles72 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jai Posted February 20, 2007 Report Share Posted February 20, 2007 Hi EaglesI have been following this thread with interest, its always good to know how our non bpd partners are faring admist our moods.Sorry to hijack this with another question, if you dont mind me asking, its a personal one really. For me, the label bpd has left me without care, without the right treatment and being shifted quickly in and out of hospital after od's. I am now 43 and have a therapist who is taking his time and whilst he is liable to some serious slaggings off here when my moods wibble, i know he is doing his best for me.My question is , i am wondering how old your wife is? I only ask as i know my reaction to a bpd diagnosis is i would rather die, mostly because of the way i have been treated in the past.Sorry for the long post and hopes that things are becoming clearer for you and yours.jai Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eagles72 Posted February 21, 2007 Author Report Share Posted February 21, 2007 Happy to answer jai, Until recently, since my wife has found a good group of therapist. I was not always supportive or accepting of the mental health process...it seemed to do more harm than good, ie trying different meds, changing docs, etc...all had the same diagnosis, depressed. Until she found a particular group that saw her depression as a symptom not the over disorder, which we learned was bpd...she is 36 and was diagnosed a little less than a year ago.I think this has been the most successful experience because she not only sees a therapist, but she also goes to a dietition, who helps control her eating (another symptom), she goes to group (which consists of all women with similar diagnosis, but all with an eating disorder), and we go to family or mariage therapy twice a month....I think a combined approach, treating each of the symptoms, and understanding they are all part of the disorder has been the most helpful. It's alot of work for her, and tough to acknowledge all these things going on...another helpful thing is I don't probe or pry alot about the treatment...I support, and yeild to her when I need to know information, makes her feel better that she's not under a microscope. I get what I need to know from our family therapy. We are certainly not out of the woods, but things have been better, just went through a very difficult phase, as stated in my original post, but hopefully we continue to improve and communicate.....I liked an earlier reponse to this thread...love unconditionally, hard but tryingPlease let me know if I didn't get you exactly what you are looking for...hope I can help Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jai Posted February 21, 2007 Report Share Posted February 21, 2007 thank you Eaglesyour reply more than answered my question.It really does sound like there is full support going on for all of you. Whilst hard will help in time.jai Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
anonanon Posted February 22, 2007 Report Share Posted February 22, 2007 Hi everyone,I am a non bdp, so if you want me to leave I understand. My wife has been diagnosed BPD, high functioning....she is a beutiful person, smart, funny, a great mom, and when she's feeling good a wonderful wife. She has been in counseling for some time, and has done very well. Lately she is very ambivalent towards marriage and our relationship. It ebbs and flows and is very frusterating and confusing....just looking for insight, and always trying to make sure I separate her from the disorder.....thoughts are much appreciated. Thank youCan you please talk to my husband? I wish he was like you. Your wife is a very lucky woman and I feel sure that she knows that most of the time.If I feel like that I generally need some space - not that you should go away and leave her because that feels to her like she is being punished - but space within the home to just work it out in her own head. However, this space needs to come at her behest, so you should ask her, do you want me to leave the room, go upstairs, the kitchen? Give her verbal support - don't touch unless invited, empathise with how she must be feeling - don't try to pretend to understand because you don't and can't and she will know this and throw it back at you - and then give her some diluted truth after the support and the empathy, you need to tell her a little bit about how you are feeling - but don't blame her in any way. Let her know that whenever she is ready to engage with you again then you will be there for her.It's a thing with this disorder - I hate you don't leave me syndrome.Good luck to you both, I hope everything works out for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eagles72 Posted February 28, 2007 Author Report Share Posted February 28, 2007 So now just when things seem to be going better...connected....My wife is researching rental houses and apartments in the area to live...We just had a fabulous weekend, went out Sunday to a show, now she is looking @ moving..help? thanks in advance Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
synthe Posted February 28, 2007 Report Share Posted February 28, 2007 hi there! you seem like an awfully nice person. my fiance tries to be supportive also, but he fails at it terribly sometimes. i dont know about your wife because i don't know her, but i know that when i do the pull-away and try to leave, i never actually go through with it. it seems like your wife is trying very hard and is willing to work through this with you, so i don't think she will just up and leave forever.just know that even though its bad right now, it'll get better. perhaps try to take her mind off of feeling so lousy by doing something romantic and sweet, but unpressuring. maybe write a letter about how you felt when you first met her and some of the things you both enjoyed doing when you were dating, and let her know that you're here for her and you love her, and that the thought of losing her is hard for you, but you understand.if my fiance did that for me i'd feel really relieved and relaxed and it might snap me out of it.just a suggestion, hope that you get through this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eagles72 Posted March 1, 2007 Author Report Share Posted March 1, 2007 Thank you all for your support and help...However, update, she came home last night from group and announced she want's to separate and divorce....I didn't even argue...think I'm ready too. thanksEagles Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jai Posted March 1, 2007 Report Share Posted March 1, 2007 awwwwwww (((((((Eagles)))))))I am so sorry for you both. Maybe that was a knee jerk reaction to something that happened in therapy? I dunno but wait it out if you can.I do hear you on being ready too. What a horrid place to be right now. My thoughts are with you.Take care and dont be a stranger whilst you are going through this.hugsjaix Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rebeccaborderline Posted March 1, 2007 Report Share Posted March 1, 2007 Oh Eagles, Im sorry. But lets hope thats not the end of it, its a BPD phase that she just cant work through right now.If the worst came to the worst, and she moved out, how would you feel if she said after a few weeks she'd made a mistake? Would you trust enough to take her back without feeling resentful or manipulated? Because I dont think it would be manipulation (although I dont know her), but part of that horrible BPD thing of pushing and pulling people away.I sympathise with your situation and hope theres a succesful resolution to this. Let us know how you both get onrebeccaborderline Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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