verbena Posted December 28, 2004 Report Share Posted December 28, 2004 "IT" seems to be back. I think I was doing pretty well, then I saw this thing I wrote. I added to it for a couple days, and now it's complete, I think. But when I read it, I know that "IT" it back, and I'm hating/grieving/ranting/questioning all over again. Even recognizing it doesn't seem to help - it just reminds me of all the black things I could be doing to myself. Ugh. Makes me feel a gag in my throat. The last thing he told me was that I had courage. It was then that I became terrified. At the very instant I thought he would Teach me something, He sent me away still unacquainted with myself. While I had been trying to go crazy, He remained safe and strong and steady. I felt so trivial in that chair. So alarmingly dull. That everything about me didn’t matter much. When I’ve pleaded with him to give me anything, He told me (frankly and honestly) that I would receive nothing. When I told him what went before, His first thought was to save himself. I wasn’t a beast he needed to dread seeing. I came to help myself, not to damage him. I never meant to damage anyone, ever. But I know I did. If my current life is a reflection of my past life, Is my fear an image of his strength? I thought I lost my nerve. It is possible that he stole my courage And used it to fight me. It seemed adversarial in that room. I have tried to restore my confidence By stealing it back from the sound of his voice, But he speaks carefully and won’t let anything out. He has never let anything out. Nothing. Yes, IT is back. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flippy Posted December 28, 2004 Report Share Posted December 28, 2004 Im sorry IT is back, i hope it packs its bags and goes away soon. Hang tight and keep fighting. (((verbena))) flippy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ginny Posted December 28, 2004 Report Share Posted December 28, 2004 (((((((((verbena)))))))))))) IT is a bastard - kick its ass and f**k it off!!!!! lots of love darling Ginny :mellow: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Betsy Posted December 29, 2004 Report Share Posted December 29, 2004 ver, who is this it? is it a real person? bets Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyMacbeth Posted December 29, 2004 Report Share Posted December 29, 2004 Ver, I am very interested to know who IT. At first it seemed as if you were betrayed by a therapist who you seeked help from and failed so now you are feeling rejected and abandoned once again? Those lonely feelings from your childhood have returned? I am probably completely wrong but thats just what came to mind when I read your work. Tc, Baila Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katherine Posted December 29, 2004 Report Share Posted December 29, 2004 (((((((verbena)))))))) I agree with what Baila wrote above----that's what I though when I read it but couldn't put it into words that weren't like psychobabble... Did you ever work with the transference with that therapist? lorna Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
verbena Posted December 29, 2004 Author Report Share Posted December 29, 2004 I had always thought I had been let down, but I believe betrayed is a better word. By a therapist, yes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.