LadyMacbeth Posted December 29, 2004 Report Share Posted December 29, 2004 I am scared, anxious and even more terrified. I am scared to leave the house, I am scared to find a job, I am scared of the future, I am scared to talk to my therapist because all she will tell me is to book an appt. to see a psychiatrist and get put on medication. She doesn't realize I am terrified of it. I just do not know what to do or how to handle anything. My mind is a mess I am not sure what to do. I am afraid I may have become agoraphobic. I am afraid I might start hurting myself again. What is wrong with me? I am afraid to get help? Right now I just want to cry. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Betsy Posted December 29, 2004 Report Share Posted December 29, 2004 the more you isolate the more you feed your fears... and right now you are feeding on fear. are you safe? can you call your therapist and talk this over with her? if you continue this way a trip to emergency services might be benificial. you need to see if any distractions will work. please take care of yourself and be kind to yourself and try and get your mind off all your fears. bets Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyMacbeth Posted December 29, 2004 Author Report Share Posted December 29, 2004 Whats the emergency services? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
verbena Posted December 29, 2004 Report Share Posted December 29, 2004 It is easy to let yourself get sucked into concentrating on your fear - not to make it worse on purpose necessarily, but because it is the biggest thing at the moment, it gets the most attention, right? But as Betsy said, you kind of begin to feed off it, and it does get worse. So you need to circumvent your thinking somehow. With distraction as Bets said, or self comfort, or a call to your therapist, a bath, something hot to eat, whatever it takes. It can get dangerous and out of hand faster than you might think. (((((((((((baila)))))))))) We're here with you...... XXAnn Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyMacbeth Posted December 29, 2004 Author Report Share Posted December 29, 2004 I just e-mailed my former therapist which I felt really bad doing because she is not my therapist anymore but I do still talk to her now and again. I told her I just did not feel comfortable with my new therapist. I told her I am terrified. I do not think I made any sense since I feel like I am in a state on panic. I told her I did not know who else to talk to. I hope I am not a bad person for doing that I think that maybe it was unfair of me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flippy Posted December 30, 2004 Report Share Posted December 30, 2004 I dont think you are a bad person or are being unfair, you still talk to your t and right now you need help and she is the only one you feel you can talk to. when the panic engulfs you it is hard to see past it, do you know any relaxation techniques or something like that, listen to some gentle music. if it helps keep writing. ((((baila)))) flippy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyMacbeth Posted December 30, 2004 Author Report Share Posted December 30, 2004 Now its gone and I feel foolish! I just re-e-mailed her and told her that I feel foolish and I was just in a state of panic. I know she would help me but I do not want to put her in a weird position bc she was my college therapist. I am not sure if thats a form of manipulation or it is seen that way and I would hate that because that is not my intention in the slightest. Baila Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katherine Posted December 30, 2004 Report Share Posted December 30, 2004 (((((Baila)))))) You trust her and that's important. Maybe the panic went because you reached out to her, and there was that reassurance that someone who knew you could hear the panic you were in. I know I sometimes feel better after emailing my (current) therapist, even if she doesn't reply, I know she knows. Its my experience that a therapist can read from an email how distressed you are, so, if your panic had continued, and you hadn't written again, then she would have known still. My therapist can tell whether I'm managing or not by how I write----somehow! You were on your own last night, right? maybe that triggered you, even tho you wanted to be alone? take care, sweetie. I'm out at work all day until 9 tonight, but I'll 'dropin' this evening when I get in. I'll reply to your email soon...I felt pretty terrible y'day too so wasn't up to writing intelligibly. love, lorna Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyMacbeth Posted December 30, 2004 Author Report Share Posted December 30, 2004 Its okay Lorna I hope you have a good day at work. My first e-mail made no sense whats so ever! But, I think you are right the panic probably subsided after e-maling her. I still feel really angry. Everytime I fell asleep some fucker woke me up. First my sister because she was going out and she wanted me to watch out for my neice who was asleep. My sister's dog my sister brought down stairs who decided to climb all over and sleep right next to me on the couch. Then my f-ing father who kept walking in and out of the living room and then his girlfriend. I wanted to scream YOU ASSHOLES YOU KNOW I AM NOT SLEEPING CAN'T YOU UNDERSTAND THAT AND SHUT THE HELL UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!But, I just gave them my Linda Blair look instead. Ahh! I just have a lot of anger inside. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katherine Posted December 30, 2004 Report Share Posted December 30, 2004 got any good cushions you can thump? thanks, Baila for the note above, yes, it was good to be back at work. so good. just tired. and the @*&** engineering works on tube meant buses... what's your Linda Blair look? hope you get a good sleep tonight.. l. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyMacbeth Posted December 30, 2004 Author Report Share Posted December 30, 2004 Hey Lorna, To answer your question about my Linda Blair look as a kid my family called me Damian from the movie "Omen". I am not aware but I give these demonic looks to people my mother called them "fuck off and die looks." My friends told me if we go out to a bar I have this unapproachable look on my face. The olny reason why I found that out is because I wondered why no guys approached me at a bar. When my friends told me I came across as unapproachable I realized that I did not want to meet anyone at a bar because I was looking for a long term relationship not a booty call. Baila Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katherine Posted December 30, 2004 Report Share Posted December 30, 2004 ah, NOW I get it...haven't seen the film, but it sounds kinda like my old scary teacher don't mess with me look (which never worked, in my case in that situation---bunch of east end kids --no offence, Claire, it is you that comes from out east isn't it? but if you'd ever supply taught in Stepney, or Shadwell---eeeekkkkjustgladisurvived..)(sorry, little diversion off topic... l. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyMacbeth Posted December 30, 2004 Author Report Share Posted December 30, 2004 Yes, but I am not a fighter never been in a fight. I just give off the look that makes me un approachable. I do not even know what the look looks like. :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katherine Posted December 31, 2004 Report Share Posted December 31, 2004 but you know how it FEELS? fighter? did I sound like a fighter? just interested on your perspective... l. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyMacbeth Posted December 31, 2004 Author Report Share Posted December 31, 2004 you absoluetly don't Lorna not at all never gave me an impression of being a fighter. Bail Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katherine Posted December 31, 2004 Report Share Posted December 31, 2004 only in so far as I've always had to fight for my -first physical and then emotional life!!!!! there's a lot of held back anger in me that my therapist is so keen to note...that's why I wondered! l. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyMacbeth Posted December 31, 2004 Author Report Share Posted December 31, 2004 Seems as if you have been able to channel it in a positive way! Sometimes when I feel out of it I like to light candles put some new age music and read my tarot cards. It helps because they help me figure out my thoughts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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