A Bunch Of Questions And New Member Here

[missnull]

Hi all, i am new here and posted in the intro section.

I'm in a relationship with a wonderful man but however he has his own demons, which are paranoia and abandonment issues. Unfortunately for him, that I have this BPD HELL he takes everything i say the wrong way and thinks that when I'm explaining how I'm feeling because of the BPD that he takes it personally.

I'm trying to get him to understand my issues and BPD but he just doesn't understand.. or when I try and explain it, it's like I have a hard time understanding MYSELF.. so I get frustrated and really angry when I try and explain my issues and we end up arguing or I get defensive.

HOW do you explain BPD or your issues to people you are in a erelationship with, without them getting angry at you?

Without them taking it personally?

Like I told him ,I have no interest in sex. I seriously have no sex drive and in fact I've found myself over the past year become more afraid of sex. I think it's because I had slept with a lot of people when I was drunk in my past. I did have issues with that. I just didn't care. He doesn't know how many peopel I slept with, but he does ask me sometimes and I get angry when he asks me because I think it is none of his business but at the same time I know I slept with a lot of people and I get defensive about it.

But I'm trying to tell him him just because I have no interest in sex doesn't mean it's because of HIM.. it's whatever shit that is in my head.

But he takes it personally and thinks I am not attracted to him and then in turn he says his self-esteem is nearly non-existant now and I MAKE him feel like shit...

THIS makes me feel like shit..

I feel SO responsible for how he feels and his happiness... when I can't even make myself happy and I'm just miserable..

The other thing I just get so defensive with him.. when he asks questions about my issues I get angry... I don't understand why... it just erupts into something big...

and I take a lot of things he says to me SO personal and I get so upset and angry and it starts arguements...

how does one wrap their head around this one?

Also I started seeing a therapist, I'm only into session 3 right now. But when I signed up it was supposed to be weekly sessions. But already he has changed my sessions twice and I'm finding out that I only see him once every other week...! I c an't have that.. I already have no support here besides my boyfriend who is at work all day.

Also this therapist scoffed when I mentioned BPD.. like he doesn't believe it.. that made me feel SO awful and frustrated that he doesn't believe in this..

Instead he is focusing on my eating disorder... which angers me bcause I know my eating disorder is a SYMPTOM of something else... and I tell him about my past and history and it seems like he just doesn't care or listen and then just goes on about my eating disorder!

I'm seeing him through NHS so I'm terrified that I won't be able to find another therapist for free or low cost.. and i need to be in therapy so bad..

I want to try this DBT therapy..

Also, one big question - when one is by themselves a lot.. how do you not panic or freak out? How do you be OK with yourself?? I end up either going mad or indulging in my ED behaviours.. I don't know of any other way..

Anyway.. i'm tired of ranting...thanks to all for listening..

E

[Betsy]

miss,

your relationship seems to mirror mine quite a bit. saying that i will tell you i have been in the same relationship over 30 years. the sex has been a struggle the whole time. any critisim (real or percieved) and i ignite light a match. he then withdrawls and we seldom ever communicate over emotional issues.

you are not responsible for anyones happiness except your own. there is a list of distractions that is pinned to the self harm forum. these might work for your alone time or you could try and fill your alone time with some fun classes etc. so that it is at a minimal.

if you dont like your therapist keep trying to find another or change to another don't give up the one you have until you do.

being ok with yourself i think is at the end of the road not at the beginning so just try and be kind to yourself and not beat yourself up too much.

bets

[Kelliemanic]

OKAY.....FIRST OF ALL...BREATHE... relax?....continue.

I thought I wrote novels, but thats deffo the longest post I've seen for a while

I think you need to simplify things down in a big list... lists work better on my BPD addled brain.

1)Both you and your partener suffer from mental health issues, and you seem to be struggling to communicate with each other how it makes you feel.

2)You want to know how to communicate with your partner so he knows how you feel, without blowing up and getting angry.

3)Your relationship lacks sex drive at the moment due to your combined mental health issues, your partner is taking this personally.

4)You feel responsible for his emotions, but can't deal with them, because of your own struggles.

5)Your therapist doesn't understand his patient, and would rather focus on something that is a symptom of your problems, rather than the problem as a whole.

6)Being alone freaks you out.

See now it's simplified I can answer you... I have to do everything in little bitesize chunks...

1) I have felt exactly the same with my partner, who recently became my ex. I recommend you finding some BPD books, you obviously have the internet in some form or other so print some stuff off... This website is a goldmine of valuable BPD information.

I'm sure your boyfriend cannot deny the facts when they are printed in black and white in front of him.

Keep the pages together in a "little book of bpd" when things turn sour, and you begin to have heated arguments, sit down with a cuppa and get out the binder, show him how you feel with written words, rather than tying yourself up in knots trying to explain it from scratch.

I know it's difficult, but things work both ways, and I was guilty as hell for this in my relationship. Try to understand where he's coming from too, and if he's ready to admit the problems he has and begin working through them, maybe you could do some research together? It will make your relationship stronger.

2) See above. Also try (I know it sounds easy...) to stay calm. When things get heated, hand him the facts and leave the room, have a drink (non-alcoholic) and count to 100...

3) There are more ways to show you love someone than sex. This is something that I hardly ever remember myself, so I understand. Try to think about the way you behave towards each other. Just because you don't have sex as often, does that mean the cuddles, and the kisses, and the spending time snuggled up on the sofa has to go too?

No. It takes no more sex drive to give someone a hug, than it does to switch on the kettle.

Give it a try, try making sure you give your boyfriend a hug, and a kiss at least once an hour. You'll be surprised at how little you do it, without even realising.

4)You are not responsible for his emotions, any more than he is responsible for yours. You need to open up lines of communication. and begin to gently explain to him that your seperate emotions have a domino effect, and leave the other person feeling deflated.

Maybe there's nothing that can be done about that? But it's better to have someone who will happily indulge in whatever cheers you up with you..because they know whats going on, rather than sitting in an emotional gridlock.

5)Sorry, but my personal feeling is, find a new therapist. Tell him, or write him a letter saying you are unsatisfied with his manner, and treatment of you.

Of course he can only work with what he's been told. Do you have a definate diagnosis for bpd? Do you have a psychiatrist?

My idea of therapy is someone who will listen to what you have to say, and help you unravel it...

6)Yes I do feel panicked when I'm alone...

It's going to get even worse as I'll be moving out and become single mummy as soon as the DLA decide what they're doing.

I hope that helped you a little bit?

Take care

kellie

xx

^_^

[jai]

Hi Missnull

Welcome

Your post could have been written by me , in the before time! I still get those rapid mood shifts, temper tantrums and ambiguous feelings over so many things. Daily the diet of likes and dislikes can change.

I will tell you a lil about my NHS t in the hope it helps a bit. I began on Monthly appointments with no garuntee of more, frequent or otherwise. Infact he began by saying i had a limited number of sessions! I told him how that made me feel and that i felt my issues were greater than say a 16 session sticky plaster, as i have had this before. He did nt agree one way or the other to more to begin with. We went to fortnightly , then when we got into harder work weekly and this is nearly 2 years ago now. So, i think its important you tell your t how your unmet expectations on that score feel and why you are worried. Much of what they do is no doubt to get us to be open about our needs.

Also, for the first many sessions little by little we did nt really talk about history or family , errrr, i think ! it is a while ago now, my only real memory is being able to gradually stop drinking and getting myself into fights with bf. The work is slow and my feelings are you go one step at a time, often doing things that seemingly have little point at the time but it does all add up to something.

I do hope that helps a little. As for your bf's questions regarding sex and past relationships, they are your business and you could try talking to him in about how you feel about your past experiences, not the drunken part , just the real feelings you have, maybe he will relate to those more easily?

My bf also struggles/d with my bpd issues and often took everything the wrong way, getting upset and angry very quickly , esp when i get really parnoid about stuff, or fly off at something minor. He now talks if he is feeling up to it, give s me hug, or will leave the room til i calm down. We rarely argue anymore about my over reactions. I have to say often i wonder how he can be with me and i also think i would like to be alone, not wanting to see that part of me i totally hate and can nt always control. It s a painful thing to experience anger and intense emotions that consume you from nowhere suddenly.

Not sure if any of this helps.

Stick with your T if you can find a way to voice your fears , worries and concerns for the future and if he gives you something you feel you can live with. Dealing with the ED first sounds like it has come across as a big issue that needs immediate attention.

Take care hon

jai