"mirroring"

[blackanese]

I was on a website called bpd411, which seems to have been founded by a divorced (and slightly bitter) non. They mention something called mirroring, which is essentially a person with bpd reflecting their significant others' best qualities back to them. The theory is that since bpd's have no stable identity of their own, they become adept at pretending to be whatever their partner wants them to be, which causes their partner to feel as thought they've found their soul mate. I don't know if this is making sense, but is this a real characteristic of bpd?

[Kelliemanic]

erm.

I'm a bit like that. Yes.

I don't really know if it's common to all BPD's...but I do it.

Mind you, having done psychology at college... most people do it at the beginning of relationships, BPD or not... maybe it's a universal "new relationship" thing?

;)

[Martin]

I do agree that I do it, but that website didn't half make me angry.

Seems like victimisation of people who suffer with this particular MH problem, I know we aren't the easiest people to get along with, but this takes the mick!

I see, though, there havent been any updates since Dec 2005..

Martin

[Kelliemanic]

I do agree that I do it, but that website didn't half make me angry.

Seems like victimisation of people who suffer with this particular MH problem, I know we aren't the easiest people to get along with, but this takes the mick!

I see, though, there havent been any updates since Dec 2005..

Martin

lol...I found someone's website the other day. A specialist american law firm dealing with debunking cases put forward by BPD's.

Basically they believe that not only was our condition caused by people drinking or drug taking while we were in the womb, but we also suffer some congenital birth defect.

Faulty genes....

Apparently BPD's are much more likely to throw around accusations of harassment, child abuse, sexual abuse, sexual assualt, bullying in the workplace etc etc etc.. and that the average american needs protecting from our lies...

These lawyers take on cases, just to have them thrown out of court because the person has BPD and obviously can't be trusted not to lie.

Kellie

xx

[Martin]

So basically, these lawyers don't judge each case on it's merits, they judge the person bringing the case....

FFS!!!

Martin

[InnerPeace]

Everyone mirrors when they feel in sync with someone...ever noticed when you pick up a glass the same time as someone you're getting on well with, or stroke your hair at the same time etc...

If someone has a shakey sense of self / sense of boundaries, they can mirror and take on the other person's characteristics easily. Same is true for people who are empathic. I easily pick up someone's accent or phrases and then worry that they'll think I'm taking the piss! This person makes it sound like it's something people do intentonally which it isn't at all.

I think what you read sounds like the person feels conned into loving the BPD suffer and is basically making an excuse. There's always a reason why we chose a certain partner - the world and the people in it are a mirror - and maybe she was faced with some truths she didn't want to admit to.

[JTBadBug]

I think I mirror....but for years I did not realise it...well possibly not until the last few months...it is something that happens subconsciously and certainly is not done with a manipulative mind...I think I don't know what I want to do or be so when I have friends I get involved with what they do and it goes from there.

Thinking about it though it works both ways...the borderline thinks that they have found their soulmate too because we are not aware of what is happening.

[Madeleine]

I definitely do that... I am whoever you want me to be (baby)! :rolleyes:

[arwentheelfqueen]

I think the book on BPD, LOST IN THE MIRROR, discusses this issue a little.

[jai]

great thread but can nt get me head around it

but can say that i notice when other bpders do this, does that sound odd? if i do i am unconsciously doing it. is it the same for everyone i wonder?

[drew]

i often mirror people who i care about

[Jadey]

I'm not really sure if I do this or not I think I might do, though. I'll get back to you all on that one, at some point, LOL. My mind is blank, it does this often...I'm trying to think if I am like something, or I do something, but can't work it out. Maybe it's the whole not knowing who I am shit?

I'm confused!

[clbn]

I do this 'mirroring' thing all the time!

I think it can be a source of stress - like now, when Im unsure if i really want to be in a relationship with this guy or am just giving him back what he wants to see...but I think it can also be a definate plus.

I know that my unconcious mirroring makes me really easy to get along with & makes others feel very comfortable in my presence...which given that Im actually a scary, neurotic nutcase can only be a good thing!

xCx

[Micheal]

Totally - I could write a book on it. These days i'm better at staying being me and not getting sucked into other peoples' personas and views.

It's surprising how many people try to get you to be like them though, in little ways they suggest that 'of course' you see things as they do, especially when you first meet maybe i've noticed? I usually don't.

I guess it's the control thing again - humans seem to have a fairly natural disposition toward trying to control their environments. I think defeating bpd to some extent can be accomplished by recognising this tendency in yourself, so when the outside world doesn't do or think what you want, try to leave it to it, and say 'ok, that's your view, that's ok' to yourself?

theory. practice. collect the duck eggs peter.

[NotaGirl]

people mirror all the time dont they?

I know Ihave seen it in people all around me.

What I find more interesting is how the people closest to someone with BPD can show BPD like behaviours and patterns of thought because of theuir close relationship and living with the person with the BPD, they take on BPD like traits.

another form of mirroring i would suppose

[divinegrl]

I do that. I've noticed I mirror and have since I was a little girl. But I do it with most everyone. I'm like a chameleon. I used to think I was just adapting to different people really easily but I now realize I was just trying to be like they wanted me to be or what would fit that particular situation.

I know with most guys I've been with they would say I'm their dream girl and stuff but I think it was because I would be however they wanted me to be and do it in a way that was non-conspicuous (sp?)

Did anyone here ever get really upset if people say 'Just Be Yourself!" :blink:

[clbn]

I know with most guys I've been with they would say I'm their dream girl and stuff but I think it was because I would be however they wanted me to be and do it in a way that was non-conspicuous (sp?)

I've had this too!! Always makes me wonder if Im really a lovable person or just do a really good imitation of one.....

xCx

[InnerPeace]

It's not possible to be something we're not....if you can immitate it, you can be it. It's a matter of how long you can keep yourself in that personna before slipping back into the old patterns.

The old patterns aren't the real you, the real you is how you are when you're free from all those fears and past memories that created the behaviour patterns you'd prefer not to have.

So the real you is what shines out when you project the more favourable image of yourself and for that time allow the "crap" to get out of the way.

[hybrid]

Guilty as charged...

I often find myself mirroring the person/group I'm with. I used to think that I'm extremely versatile and have different personality at different occasions but one thing is I desperately seek approval from others. I have this yardstick where I think others will accept me (don't smoke, don't drink much and normal emotionally) but it's ultimately not myself and it's exhausting to keep up the act. I'm only able to be myself when I'm in a safe environment (where I feel that the other party loves me and accept me totally for who I am) i.e. my parents, bfs and other people who care for me or are in love with me at that point.

With my christian friends I behave as a "goody two shoes", with my colleagues as a serious working professional.... if I know they are opposed to a certain behaviour I try to merge in with them. Ultimately I still haven't found out who I really am and it exeasperate me! For a few years now I think I'm happy with my wine (getting high every night), cigarettes and a soul mate who accept me for who I am and who I can talk about my feelings freely. I sometimes think I scare people off with my pessimism so I usually try to regulate my feelings around people. I really don't know how to break free of this unless I relocate and start a while new identity in an entirely new place.