LadyMacbeth Posted January 3, 2005 Report Share Posted January 3, 2005 I feel like being evil right now. I desire to be evil at times and hurt people the way they hurt me. At the surface you would not believe that because I always try to make people feel better. But, if they have hurt or rejected me in a certain way I want to cause them emotional pain. It seems to get my adrenaline pumping. It annoys me that one my my closest friends always turns her phone off when she is with her boyfriend because he does not want her having any friends. She will always call me when she is not with him but when she is with him she does not want to know anyone. It pisses me off and I have called her and left nasty messages on her phone like "I guess your with your bf Godforbid I bother you when you are with him. I guess call my if you feel like it!" I feel bad about doing it but I become filled to capacity with this intense rage. Fortunately she has not ended our friendship over it. Then I have this other friend who is so f-ing unreliable and I question her trust because I do believe that she has said things to people behind my back. I even have proof of it. We used to go out a lot and I would have a few drinks and explode!!!!! I would tell her I hated her and she betrayed me and I never wanted to talk to her again. She is still my friend and she still is unreliable but I have learned to control myself. Its like I am testing their friendship. Sometimes I make people hate me. I make my co-workers hate me bu just isolating myself. Right now I know my dad's girlfriend hates me because of the way she looks at me or ignores me. She buts in to my conversations with my father and I just want to scream at her "shut your fucking trap! It has nothing to do with you! You are not my mother!!!!!!!!!!!!" One day I will prob explode. Then I have another side to me. I am usually sweet, kind, compassionate and fun to be around. When I am this person I don't feel like being evil or nasty or hurtful. I like myself when I am this person but it is hard to stay that way because I just have to taste the feeling of rejection and its like I transform into a monster. Sometimes I am neither I am three years old crying for my mother to hold me and protect me. She never did!!!!!!!!I have a lot of anger inside because of that. Now I can't get that close to people. I do not want people touching me I can't tell people how I feel. Right now I feel angry not happy. I just needed to vent. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
verbena Posted January 3, 2005 Report Share Posted January 3, 2005 Lady, Sorry to hear you are in BPD land. I hope it passes soon. It isn't good for you and will poison you and take away your reason, your strength, and any chance you have to make choices that will benefit you. The good news is that we've all been there and know how much it sucks. And we are here with you no matter what. Take care. XX Ann Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lauren Posted January 3, 2005 Report Share Posted January 3, 2005 Hey, I HATE that place. I call it invisable self harm. Hurting others in order to hurt yourself. Yuck! ((((hugs)))) xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katherine Posted January 3, 2005 Report Share Posted January 3, 2005 Lady M I admire your courage and honesty in posting about this, and I hear your anger, pain, longing... ....Can you find a way to channel the anger constructively? lorna Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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