My Goals

[LadyMacbeth]

I need to help myself so I am making a list of the things I need to do in order to feel better.

Top priority

1.STOP DRINKING I have to stop all together. I have been abusing it to kill the anxiety and pain I feel. But, in reality its only making me a lot worse because it makes me angrier and more depressed. Plus its affecting my health. I know it won't be easy but I will take one day at a time. Whenever I feel like having a drink I have to read this post and if I do not have access to a computer at that point I need to write this in my journal.

2. Sort out my insurance. I put my foot in my mouth. There I was slagging off the American health system and I just received in the mail a letter and application to remain insured. It costs a lot but hopefully my father will help me until I find a job.

3. Get in touch with my therapist after ignoring her even if that is by writing her a note. I still think I need to find a therapist who has experience in either DBT or CBT.

4. Apply for graduation so I don't mess that up and lose the opportunity to graduate this month.

5. Finalize my thesis even though I am annoyed I thought it was done.

6. Sort out my panic attacks even if it is researching some herbal medications that are proven to work.

7. Go to the career center at school and look for jobs.

8. Start to eat healthier without starving myself.

The first on my list is the alcohol and thats starts right now. The rest I must be working on within the next two weeks.

9. Quit smoking. I am going to set a date such as next Monday. I know I have the strength and I must keep telling myself that when I am in one of my moods.

Everything else I iwll post at a later date. I do not want to overwhelm myself too much. The most important is the drinking. Now that I am in one of my "normal" moods I can see what I need to do and how I need to get it done. When I am in a panic I am too confused to work anything out!

[Katherine]

Lady M, this is great!!!!!

Good for you!!!!!

Do you know the Beatles song "Let it be"....... "there will be an answer..." re the insurance etc. And getting grad sorted may give you extra impetus and self esteem to support you.

Thinking of you, and if I /we can help you in any way with all this then just let us know!

And yes, make sure you don't overwhelm yourself....one step at a time!!!

By the way, did you read my pms?

lorna

[calyps]

Lady,

Graduation is fun, and despite all my anxiety, no one (including me) tripped over their gown climbing the steps to the stage!

Stopping drinking was the hardest thing I managed to do in the last couple of months and I don't think it would have happened if I weren't getting so much support, not just from my t but all my friends and you guys here.

I find it worse in the evening when I'm home from work and just bored. So I'm doing really well at distracting myself, I took up origami and have been making salt dough- it's really good to pound with your fists and you can work it just like clay! A year ago I was drinking anything up to 3 bottles of wine a night, going to the pub at lunchtime and sinking a few pints, generally being all drunk all the time, my way of not dealing with anything I suppose. You are right to be concerned for your health- I've always been one of those people who were lucky enough to look well young for their age but the drink has definately had an adverse effect on my skin over the last year- I've aged, man!. Stopping drinking also helped some excess weight shift off of me. I'm glad you put this at the top of your list, because I have faith it can be done- see I'm doing it! Remember it's what we and all your doctors are here to help you do, so suck as much strength out as you can. You are going to do this Lady,

Anwen

[LadyMacbeth]

Thanks guys for your support. Anwen congratulations on quitting drinking! Its got to be hard especially when you start to feel more relaxed. I like that feeling because alcohol helps me to be more expressive and open. I can actually jug my friends or tell them "I love them." But, its not a healthy way to deal with problems. I want to stop all together for now because I can't seem to have one drink. I do not drink to the point where I am completely obliterated but just enough where I am feeling it. I wonder whats the point of drinking just one drink. Especially if you drink a lot because your system becomes immune to it. I have been drinking more at my dad's house because things just get me really pissed off here. Up in NY, if I am alone I drink beer because it stops me from feeling so alone. I think that will be the hardest thing. Fortunately my friends really don't drink that much escept one of my guy friends who drinks in excess. So I may have to stop hanging out with him for awhile because a few weeks ago he wanted to hang out and go to a bar and I told him that I did not want to go to a bar because I will drink. He then got pissy with me and we ended up not hanging out because I did not want to go out. Ironically, he is the one who stopped talking to me for a few months because of how angry and depressed I get when I am drinking.

I am finally recognizing it as a problem and potential to mess up my life. But, it became a problem two years ago when I told my therapist that I drank to ease the pain. Anwen I can completely understand where you are coming from by using alcohol to avioud your problems. I know for me I will be at home and thinking and thinking about bills, job, depression, panic attacks, etc...and it will trigger and urge to make a drink. Yes, it stops me from thinking but because I am upset it just intensifies those feelings and turns them into anger. I am pretty good at controlling my anger and keeping my feelings inside but not when I am drinking I turn into a different person completely.

My therapist had once told me that is okay to go out with friends and have a drink but when you are drinking to avoid your problems that is a problem. I can go out with friends and usually if I just stick to a few beers I am fine and I am having fun. Actually I find it more amusing when I am sober and watching everyone else get plastered. I have been drinking every day since Christmas and no one in my family has realized that I was drunk. But, my friends especially my two girlfriends can tell right away. I lie because I don't want them to think badly of me. I even stopped telling my therapists the whole truth about my drinking. I feel embarrassed and a bad person. But, it does not make me a bad person its an addiction. I know I have to stop it before it becomes a real problem.

I would really like to help people in my situation after I get through this. I would really like to come a guest speaker and go in to counselling because I have been there. I have to look at the future and remind myself that I am in charge of my future no one else.

Thanks again Lorna and Anwen.

L M

[lostsoul]

i am really proud of you that you are taking such responsibility. When you first came here you sounded much more dejected about things than you do now.

Thats really impressive, cos u aint been here long!

I have been inspired. I am going to write a list of things i want / need to achieve and then a list of ways to achieve them.

Good luck honey bunny. Keep on keeping on!

huggles

claire

x

[LadyMacbeth]

Thanks Claire.

I just know that a therapist is not going to "wave a magic wand" and make me better. Quoted by you. There are things I can work on myself in order to speed up the process. I know I probably will feel differently when I start to feel down again but I must keep telling myself I am strong and I have faith in all of you that you can to.

[lostsoul]

yes! that's the key, now lets turn it together...

[calyps]

I think i should confess at this point that I think I may have found it easier to stop drinking because I basically turned to marijuana instead. If my partner has beer in the fridge, I can ignore it, I don't want it and I don't drink it, but if there's weed, ahh, no chance! I am ok at dealing with both if there is no weed and I can't get more (the tough shit approach, I believe), to start with I was really crawling up the walls and god, it was so very hard. I'm getting a little stronger with not smoking though. I can have weed and put myself off smoking it until later, but I can't exist without it entirely. This week is my first of trying to smoke only on weekends. I smoked on Monday, cos it was a bank holiday so technically a weekend and also the last day of christmas holidays before returning to the hum drum existance of work, I didn't all day and night tuesday, and not until 9pm last night but then I had one this morning before work and one now at lunchtime. Guess I'm not doing too great after all! it's funny cos I always said that if I ever stopped biting my nails the anxiety would just come out some other way and I guess that's what's happened with quitting drinking. I have to stop smoking so much. I'll be bankrupt or homeless before long- and I love living here with Richie- why would I want to screw it up?

We can do it together, we just need the faith!

Anwen

[lostsoul]

you sound like my boyfriend. he is so funny! every month he 'plans' to give up and he always goes back to smoking!

weed is hard to give up, but you can do it, and i am living proof of that. i used to smoke ALL the time, but i just thought, this is so stupid. what a waste of life and time and money. and now i have stopped, i can lecture folks like you about how much better it is to give up! you just have to want to quit an addiction - REALLY want to. the rest is comparativiely easy. if you really want to quit, then you will. for me the cross over came when i started saying i WANT to quit rather than I SHOULD quit or HAVE to quit.

you should still feel good you quit the booze though. maybe the down shift to weed has been that necessary bridge between quitting booze and not doing anything.... i know for a while i drank a lot to substitute not smoking, but i quit that too in the end.

i have faith in you that you will achieve what you want when the time is right xx