Boyfriend Problems (my Own Problems?)

[Guest NancyPie]

Hi everyone, i haven't posted before. i was hoping someone could give me some advice?

I am having real problems with my boyfriend.

We have been together for two years and have had a really rocky relationship, largely due to me being emotionally clingy and detached at the same time (confusing for him I imagine). He knows about my bulimia which I've had for nearly 5 years now and that I used to cut myself (don't really do it anymore, I'm too vain!!!)

I have recently been diagnosed with BPD which is weird because in one way it's a relief to know that the feelings you have are recognised and there is help for you but on the other hand i feel like a nutter

So my boyfriend has been supportive and loving but he is quite emotionally manipulative (it feels to me anyway). I have been to my doctor lots of times and am on antidepressants (again!) but my boyf said he had to come with me again as i obviously wasn't telling them everything......so we went together an dhe basically spoke to the dr like i wasn't there, like he's my dad or something. i'm going to see a psychiatric nurse next week and he's coming too but i don't want him too. how can i say that? which brings me on to my next point - i think he ispart of the problem. but i can't trust anything i feel - one minute i love him and can't bear to be apart from him and then the next i hate him so much for making me cry and be miserable. i don't know whether it is because i have bpd so am ultra-sensitive to any little thing/change or whether he is just a mean boyfriend or whether we are just not compatible. we have broken up about 7 times in the last two years. he always asks me to get back with him. he has said to me that he loves me and wants to be with me forever and wants to help me get better but he gets frustrated and angry cos i'm not 'trying' hard enough or i don't want it bad enough. this in turn makes me feel awful cos not only have i let myself down by having bpd, depression, eating disorders etc etc, but i'm making somoene i supposedly love miserable too.

so i guess what i'm trying to ask is whether i will ever feel more 'normal', how will i ever know what i feel about relationships?

this is a v long message i do apologise

i just wish i knew what i think and feel so i can make my own mind up!!!!!!!!!

love NancyPie

xxx

[cherylbcool]

bpd........well.....i love them then i hate them.............not as much anymore as i am learning more and more as i go..................i found that someone being mad at me because i have issues did not help me...............only empathy,compassion,and love helped.................in my current relationship my bf of 2 years knews i had issues from the begining.............because i told him what to expect...................but i also did know him as a friend for 10 years before i started dating him...............he lived 500 miles away and i would go fishing where he lives........thats how i met him............he lived in my vacation spot.............i have had people in my past get frustrated and mad at me in the past about my issues..................but getting mad only makes things worse for me....................being around anger is one of my triggers ......it still affects me.......so one thing i do tell myself is that its okay to let people to have thier emotions............but i have to limit my exposure to negativity as i am not very good at dealing with it still...............i get scared......and its hard to think......and i get confused......i also learned that everyone gets mad sometimes...........................but if someone is angry all the time i have to limit my exposure..............thats the only way i can deal with that.............but thats me........................some people are very good at not letting those bad vides affect them....................but im not......because i have bpd.................and emotional content is very confusing for me....................................what my boyfriend does when he gets mad at something he says he going to the store or something like that....he then says he will be right back..(to help my fear of abandonment)...............he goes away untill it passes then he calls me..................then he will ask me if i need something from the store or he will ask if i want to go fishing or something............he doesnt focus on the anger......and he tries to deal with his anger himself by going for a cool down.................because im sick and i cant deal with anger very well..............i hope i can someday......but its a process.............so that is our coping strategy for now.......its kinda silly but it works.........and it helps to not get things escalated to where we are both upset................and when i get angry at him.....he just gets dark chocolate and sets it inside the door..lol....i love choclate.........it tames me some..lol.......hope that helps

[sofaraway]

nancypie, firstly welcome to the site,

As for the appointment with the nurse I think it's perfectly reasonable for you to meet alone with the nurse, he can come with you for support and wait outside. or you could see the nurse alone first and then invite him in for some for the appointment.

the BPD diagnosis is a tough thing to get in my opinion, there are some threads here about how it felt initially and how people reacted. For me I was angry and insited on re-evaluation, but I think over time most people can come to an accepting. I think it's really hard though to deal with those conflicting feelings, feeling crazy but also feeling valiadated.

could there be something in him that wants to 'save you' and take care of you? Do you really need this?

I can relate to the not knowing if what you are feeling is correct, you are beign told that you are over sensitive and read situations wrong etc. so it's really hard to identify when the reaction is justified, that someone has really treated you badly. I think the being told you always get it wrong means it's very difficult to find yourself and feelings.

when will you feel normal? dunno?! I struggle with what 'normal' 'better' or 'recovered' are I just know it doesn't feel 'like this'

Good luck with your appointment, hope it goes well

take care

sofaraway

[Micheal]

See the boyfriend do you love him and can you talk to him about how u r feeling about his behaviour?

Communication is the key!

I hope that the word bird brings you the right words.

:)

[nobodyzdream]

I recently had to ask my bf to not even give me advice on anything, not to try to help a lot, because I have trouble distinguishing that he is doing it because he loves me. I keep my therapy and him entirely separate (I tell him bits and pieces but that's about it) because I noticed after a while of him saying "well, I heard this guy say this" or "in this book they talk about this" and "My therapist suggested this", it started feeling like he was stepping in in a way and becoming like my therapist-which made it a despised relationship (who wants to date someone who analyzes everything you do and then tell you about it?). So now that he's backed off, and I'm working through it on my own, he knows I just need him there sometimes, even if I have nothing to say, and that I'm not going to him for advice, but just for a shoulder to lean on occasionally when I need it-our relationship is already 10 times better since he backed off. ...and I just flat out told him "I'm starting to have problems distinguishing whether you are here to be in a relationship with me or to monitor my behavior". That was enough to make him stop and say "wow, that makes sense, I think I should probably back off now" lol.

[imagineme]

Hello everyone

I'm definitly having the same problem. I always say that i can't distinguish what is real and what isn't. What may seem real and justified in my mind doesn't mean it is. I often second guess myself because i know i over react and am not always rational. Its a big problem with my boyfriend because all our fights end up with me saying how i feel, him saying im wrong, them me accepting that and appologizing and admitting fault. And im starting to become bitter. Because deep down i know im right sometimes. And so what if im not, i just wish once he would say i understand how you're feeling and im sorry you feel that way.... just something instead of dismissing everything i say as not right. Hes amazing to me he really is. But Im so dependant on him that i have to becareful and learn when to draw the line. Not being able to trust your own thoughts is a diffucult thing. You always wonder what "stage" you're in. Its an everyday battle for me. The meds help, but not for this. I saw someone posted about how thier boyfriend knew about thier condition before they got together, mine did as well, we were friends first, and told him everything. Sometimes i do feel like he wants to fix me, hes always saying things when im really down like, well just get up and clean or do something or things like that. I tell him i don't need a solution to my problems from him, just support. I know hes only trying to help. But i want him to him to help in the way i need him to....or it will only hurt. Sorry if im getting off the topic a bit I have no short term memory what so ever, so i ever forgot all what the post was about in the first place...damn. ok i re read it all caught up now I put him through a lot though. He can't go anywhere without me crying when he walks out the door and my mood swings. So its hard on everyone. Keep your chin up :)

[ashmaleigh]

Wow. I am in the EXACT same boat. Been with my bf for 2 years now, the relationship is very intense. I love him to bits but whenever he upsets me I just go into psycho mode and don't care about the consequences of my actions.

Needless to say we have broken up and got back together numerous times throughout the 2 years.

It's hard for someone without BPD are any prior knowledge of it to understand. Some days he's on board wanting to help me and the next, if I haven't made a massive improvement over night he thinks I'm making no effort and he gets super frustrated. In turn that upsets me and it goes on and on and on.

If a bf tells you he's going to stick by you regardless I'd be somewhat sceptical. There is only so much they can take I guess. I prepare myself for the worst more often than not.

I find him manipulative. He knows my triggers and weaknesses and uses them to his advantage.

I think the only reason we are still together is because he now feels obliged to take care of me.

He is ten years older than I am so he kind of takes on a parental role, which, when he is meant to be an equal partner, makes me feel young and almost childish.

I wish I could take my own advice but I don't think these kind of relationships are healthy for people with BPD.

Just now I'm scared of the abandonment but I also don't see it getting any better with us. I'm scared to have to go through it all again with someone though.

Friends are a great help. I don't have many but what little I do are saints. I only seem to have the out bursts around the bf as I feel he knows which buttons to press ( not always in a good way) so it doesn't really involve my mates.

Also, watch twilight on repeat if he has upset you! I found that sexy vampire boys definitely cheer me up!

[anastasia]

OMG do i know how you feel and i've been married 4 years and togehter 7. feel free to message me.

[screwloose]

This sounds so much like my marriage it's untrue(except the other way round). You could tell him that you would like to go to the first one on your own. But maybe he could come next time or go through things with you before hand to help you remember all the pertinent points.

[Sarabell3612]

I look for people who treat me how badly I want to be treated. It's easier than engaging in real emotions or feelings. What I feel when it comes down to it was shaped a long time before I was involved with any of them. I have been married. He was hard to get. One I had him, I made him control my every action and movement. I feel we totally play out our issues in our relationships. It's so much easier than introducing new feelings. I'd rather play out old patterns of rejections and misery leaving me where I was before. Alone. Feeling isolated. I find the desolation and loneliness so empowering. Accepting another peraon and their failings becomes like accepting defeat. I totally believe we play out our own issues in relationships. I am trapped in a messy relationship with a narcissist. It's so much easier than the alternative of real people. They really have normal feelings. It's frightening.