lille_eskimit Posted January 11, 2005 Report Share Posted January 11, 2005 I was abused by family members right up to the age of 19, and later, the father of my child (my ex) took over...But I've found that I don't hate my abusers...I might say I do when I'm ranting and raving, but when I'm rational, I realise that I do not despise them, nor am I out for revenge...I still love my parents who used to hit me (for every little thing, even when it wasn't my fault) day-in day-out, imprison me and humiliate me in front of others, and strangely, I still care for those friends and relatives who sexually abused me... Is this abnormal? Should I hate my abusers? Many would say that forgiveness is divine and that being able to face your abusers and tell them that you no longer hold a grudge is part of the recovery process... But there are those who say that's stupid, and that I should confront them with it, demand an explanation, tell them to stop interfering in my life (well, sometimes they do), and perhaps give as good as I got...Pay-back time...But I don't see the point... These are people still very much a part of my life, and I cannot ignore that. Although much of the time I spent with them was bad, some of it was very good...I do have some happy memories, after all...These individuals had their own problems, their own demons, and were as much a victim as I was...I see that now...I may once in awhile resent them when the past returns to haunt me, and at certain low points, believe that I deserved all that shit...but on the whole, I do not hate them... I just think getting aggravated about all that's gone on before isn't the answer...Where will it get everyone? It's bad enough I'm all messed up because of it...Why make things worse for everyone else too? Besides, I'm trying to improve my relationship with those individuals in question, and am loathe to drag up more bad feelings. I suppose part of the reason I want to avoid challenging my abusers and telling them to f-off is because there is still some residual fear...I am still frightened of my abusers, and slightly ashamed that I am as I am now a grown woman for crying out loud...I should know how to stand up for myself!!! The mixed feelings are so confusing... There's a lot of uncertainty in my life, and I never quite know where I stand...Don't even know if I'm getting any better...How do you measure that anyway??? I guess I just want to know if I'm heading in the right direction... :unsure: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lille_eskimit Posted January 11, 2005 Author Report Share Posted January 11, 2005 Just want to add one point in favour of forgiveness - the vicious cycle gets broken... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
psyche bunny Posted January 12, 2005 Report Share Posted January 12, 2005 I agree with you inasmuch as I have forgiven both my parents for what they did to me....(sexual and physical abuse blah, blah, blah) but I did confront my parents - I was about 26 at the time - it was really v difficult, my mum and I sat across my kitchen table in silence for what felt like hours, she took me down the pub for lunch, lectured me about smoking tabacco 'cos she had given up. It was too late really as I cld not say any of the things I needed to say, I was so blocked up. With my father, he came down and told me I was still 'pure' as if I were still a virgin, and lots of other bullshit. About 3 weeks later he flipped - he's bi polar - and something else which I have (blessedly forgotten) the name off (yes time really does heal - therapy helped - and you find you cant remember stuff that formerly you believed was etched on your forehead) anyway he's nuts and when he 'goes' he gets v deluded, well paranoid, and totally psychotic, no I am not exagerating at all. He tried to strangle me when I was only 9 yrs old, that's what made my mum finally go to the police and seperate from him. on this occasion when he flipped he came down to our house with my half sister who was about 8 at the time, with a huge bag of speed and a huge block of cannabis resin in a taxi all the way from london to kent! He had huge amounts of cash on him, he kept my husband in the kitchen all weekend 'to tell him wht had happened, so it cld be filltered pure to me'. to this day my hubby cant bring himself to tell me all that went on. I was terrified to leave the house and leave Phil on his own with him, and desperatly wanted to leave and get help and get little sister out of the way too. In the end he left taking my little sister with him, I now wish I had kept her with me. He went to his girlfreinds and held my sister and his girlfriend hostage all weekend at her second floor flat , jhe took their clothes away and threw most of the flats contents out of the window, the police had to bust the door down to get them out ( I had rang his GF to find out what was going on and she managed to convey to us that all was not well so had rang the police). The police told later that they desperatly wanted to make him do something to give them an excuse to shoot him - yes really -as he is considered to be that dangerous, but he went catatonic on them. He went to hospital (theres a surprise) and I have had nothing to do with him since, I changed my phone no, and he tried to contact me thro friends who told him that they believed his behavior had caused me to take the action i had which iccludeg getting and injuntion out against him to stop him coming near my house. I have just started talking and seeing my mum again as I have recovered enough to understand that he made her ill and she could not cope with the legacy he left her, and she is big enough to admit that she cld and shld have handled things better with me when I hit my teens and started to show all the signs of a highly disturbed teenager who had suffered abuse form the age of 3 blah, blah, blah. I dont regret a thing and am so plsd to have the chance to get to know my mum, I cant get back the years we lost, but can at least have an honest relationship with her now. She was only 15 when she met my dad, 17 when she gave birth to me, she was just a kid. I forgive my mum and wld tell her so, but also I can tell her where she went wrong, like she shd have got help so as she cld be a better mum to me, but it wasn't her fault, he made her so ill. He beat her and abused her, etc, as well. As for him, I might be able to forgive him in my heart -at times, still a tad ambiguous, my feelings for him, but even if I do I wld never let him know, not let him believe for a minute that a child that has been abused can grow up and say 'I forgive you daddy', no way let him off the hook so as he could go off and do it to someone else believeing it don't matter, that I have albeit given him my blessing. To many peadophiles actually believe that kids enjoy it, want it etc, without me making the problem worse. He is still out there .....I used worry about what he is up to, still do, used to think it was my fault if he was abusing someone else, but I know it isn't I might be his daughter but I am not responsible for his actions. Sorry for the rant it just sort of happened as I was trying to tell you my forgiveness story.... take care, Elleanor Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tracey Posted January 12, 2005 Report Share Posted January 12, 2005 The one thing i could never do is forgive! why should i forgive them for years of misery? They knew what they were doing so why should i sweep it under the carpet??? Traceyxxx :angry: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bpmonki Posted January 12, 2005 Report Share Posted January 12, 2005 this question always splits me in two and i cant answer right now properly Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ginny Posted January 12, 2005 Report Share Posted January 12, 2005 Forgiveness is the right way to go - if you truly forgive and understand why the people that hurt you did what they did. I have forgiven all the wrong that was done to me and I dont carry that burden anymore - it would impair my recovery. Ginny :wub: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lille_eskimit Posted January 12, 2005 Author Report Share Posted January 12, 2005 Forgiveness is really difficult though, even at the best of times...But I do try... It was really difficult for me to post this...and to read all your posts...This brings back a lot of horrific memories... Being strangled by my ex, my real mum caning me, throwing me out and locking the door when I was only 4, my step-mum throwing a knife at me, people using me, my 1st bf forcing sex on me for the first time etc etc...Sometimes the barrage of images and thoughts just renders me incapable of performing easy day-to-day functions. I wonder what I'd achieve by confronting my abusers. Some of them have new families and their own children now, who could all be affected by my actions...It does worry me as well, 'cos one of my cousins who had 'used' me in my childhood is quite affectionate towards my 4-year-old daughter (I haven't noticed anything untoward though, and he does have a son now)...I'm not sure if I should drag everything out into the open for all to see by putting a stop to it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
psyche bunny Posted January 13, 2005 Report Share Posted January 13, 2005 I am sure you are, but be very careful around your cousin with regard to your daughter please....sorry for butting in on your life but alarm bells ring in my head, dont freak out or anything I am not trying to be alarmist but just be careful..... love elleanor Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wisdom Posted January 13, 2005 Report Share Posted January 13, 2005 "Forgiveness is the right way to go - if you truly forgive and understand why the people that hurt you did what they did. I have forgiven all the wrong that was done to me and I dont carry that burden anymore - it would impair my recovery". I agree with Ginny. Its impossible to forgive the abuser. Even if we tried to forgive the person, it'd take a long time. Rather than working on somthing that will only bring failure, increased symptoms, and inappropriate coping skills eg cutting, then why not work on forgiving what happened and then focusing on "today"? Focusing on today seems much more healthier than to bring up the past (reexamine) without real benefit to the person. I speak from my own experience. Wisdom Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyMacbeth Posted January 13, 2005 Report Share Posted January 13, 2005 Thats what I need to learn to focus on today and instead of the past because I seem to be living in the past. I cannot do this alone so I hope that therapy will help me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
verbena Posted January 13, 2005 Report Share Posted January 13, 2005 The new t would like me to learn to forgive, starting with the rat bastard old t, then my parents, my brother... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lille_eskimit Posted January 13, 2005 Author Report Share Posted January 13, 2005 I am sure you are, but be very careful around your cousin with regard to your daughter please....sorry for butting in on your life but alarm bells ring in my head, dont freak out or anything I am not trying to be alarmist but just be careful..... It's ok, sweetie...You've just voiced my concerns...The trouble is, I'm over here, and she's over there...It's difficult for me to keep track of what's going on over such a long distance...Zhouyi is in my parents care at the mo, and I'm not too sure how I could ensure my daughter isn't in the hands of some paedophile without telling my parents the truth. Plus, knowing them, the first thing they'll do is put the blame on me....However, as far as I know, my child is never left alone...Either one of my parents or a nanny is always present, which makes me think it's prolly best that I not make any changes to the current situation, and leave well alone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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