Any Opinions?

[yami_no_shuujin]

You know, I have a lot of issues and stuff but for this topic, I'm only going to focus on one. Before I get started, I found this site while searching and was driven to post and discuss my problems, but now that I'm here I don't want to anymore. I don't really like talking to people and I do not want to be bothered with this anymore, my hands are cold too and I feel an adrenaline rush, but I know I'll regret it if I don't. And that's part of what I'm going to discuss.

Basically I am very split mentally. My light and my dark and I am the grey, the neutral. They are a part of me but separate at the same time. I actually wonder why I don't have a multiple personality disorder. See, I do not feel anything really and see everything from both points of view as I am neutral and have the two extremes -black and white- in my head. I don't hear their voices per se, but thoughts come into my mind, flowing effortlessly as if they were someone else's. I often retreat inside my head (I am a withdrawn person) and I talk to them. It makes it so hard when I have to be in social situations. Minus the fact I'm not social and feel severely uncomfortable around crowds and stuff, I often do not know how to react to certain things because I am so split. Because of that I think, my mind chooses randomly how to react. I am described to have severe mood swings. My mood can change in a heartbeat. I hate most people with a passion, yet have a great empathy. My mind is so open to both ways -light and dark- I do not know how to act. I will soon be going to a psychologist about this and many other matters, but I am slightly worried about 'treatment' especially in this case. You see, they (the light and dark) give me trouble, but I cannot let them die. The light would gladly give up its existence for my well being and I sense it wants to, while my dark wants fiercely to exist. But I refuse to kill them, they have as much right to exist as anyone! Besides...without them, I'm nothing. I cannot exist without them. I can't explain it, but if you take them away, you're taking away a part of me. I'd be alone and empty, there wouldn't be anything for me. I can't exist without them! And see, all the while I'm saying this I know how irrational it sounds. I am a very logical person and I need order and perfection. But my logic is separated from what I feel and there we have another split, folks. Please, I'd like to know what you think on this matter.

~Yuki~

[Lily-Bee]

Hello there,

I´ll just tell you what I thought when I read your post.

I don´t know of course if you have BPD but it made me think about something to do with BPD. People with BPD sometimes don´t have a solid sense of self.

And when you say you see things from different sides and don´t know how to react to things because you are so split then it sounds to me like you might not have a stable sense of self. In the sense of this is who I am,these are my opinions,this is what I stand for.I find it hard to explain I hope I am making sense.

Its all a bit split with you isnt it?

I don´t think it means you have several personalities,Im not a doctor though, but more that you are confused and have conflicting emotions and thoughts i.e. are unstable in that way.

You can learn how to deal with that though with good therapy.

Lilly

[Miko]

Donna Williams describes rapid cycling bipolar. She also describes many people's condition as 'fruit salad' as it is not all one 'fruit'.

Don't think of your gifts as bad things. You may be more integrated than you think. Keep using the rational and logical to guide you, only be 'random' when nothing is at stake for another individual or yourself.

I am having to learn when to stop 'controlling' and also when to be proactive and take the initiative.

To me you come over (so far) as mostly pretty mainstream for a fairly sensitive person. Also, as you are multifaceted I hope you will find plenty to identify with in forum members.

As for 'light' and 'dark' I think it is important to let one's philosophy and philosophising unfold and evolve in line with human concretes. I don't yet understand your symbolism on those points. It's OK to be all shades!