Sad Posted June 20, 2007 Report Share Posted June 20, 2007 Hi Everyone, I am desperate to adopt a child but my husband says that he worries that It would be a mistake because I have BPD and still have terriable outbursts. Consequently I have been shouting at my husband all morning.... I have looked after children before and have been very calm with them (although they haven't been my own). I really want a family we cannot have children and I really want to extend my family. Also my husband is in his sixties and I am in my thirties so he would prefer to adopt and older child maybe this is better for us but I am worried about taking on a child with problems, maybe just like me!!! I suppose it is a good thing that I can't have children because I am sure that they would have my herreditory mental problems, that seemed to have carried down through my family but I feel that I am bogged down in the decision and wondered if anyone had any thoughts on this. It may not be possible because the adoption people may look at my medical history and go no way but I feel that it will help me to get better because I will have another focus in my life and so will my husband. When we are around other people I seem to control my behaviour so maybe it won't be so bad after all!! Any thoughts would really help!! This would be a big life change for us!!Thanks everyone Sad Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lily-Bee Posted June 20, 2007 Report Share Posted June 20, 2007 Dear Sad,When you say a child might be a good thing because it will give you another focus in your life and such you are saying this child would come into your home, to give you a purpose, to make you feel better and to give you and husband something to focus on.That in my opinion is a very bad reason to have a child.Children should not come into this world or in a family for the benefit of the parents. A child is not a toy you buy to make you feel better or to give you a focus. Im sorry if that sounds harsh I don´t know how to word it more subtly.Besides from the fact that thats not fair to the child it also won´t work, a child is a lot of work and will only cause you more stress.Im not saying you shouldn´t have a child just that I think you need to think this through and that right now I think you are being naieve about what it means to have a child of your own.Didn´t mean to bring you down, I just think honosty will help you best at this stage.Lilly Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vorpalblade Posted June 20, 2007 Report Share Posted June 20, 2007 Your psych history will no doubt go agaisnt you, as would your hubbys age..couples in their 40s are told old to adopt.Your other avenue would be fostering, long term fostering. The guidelines arent quite so tight for this. Have you considered that? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diebold Posted June 21, 2007 Report Share Posted June 21, 2007 You deserve to have children.Are you ready for them?They won't give you anything that is missing from your life. Do you want them? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zarah Posted June 21, 2007 Report Share Posted June 21, 2007 Your psych history will no doubt go agaisnt you, as would your hubbys age..couples in their 40s are told old to adopt.Your other avenue would be fostering, long term fostering. The guidelines arent quite so tight for this. Have you considered that?bladey is right, you would be unlikely to get through the adoption process (which is the subtle way of saying no chance)if you feel you have love time and energy to give to a child then perhaps fostering is a better option....there is a real shortage of foster carers in most areas..... something to think about anyways Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vorpalblade Posted June 21, 2007 Report Share Posted June 21, 2007 On a kinda tangent..i dont know your situation obviously but you get paid for fostering, whereas you dont for adoption. The "wage" varies from borough to borough. Here they get £185 per child per week. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PanickyPolly Posted June 21, 2007 Report Share Posted June 21, 2007 Yeah good idea...might be a great way to do it. I'm crap at giving this sort of advice as I'm in the same boat except I don't have a partner who's older than me but my mental illnesses ect worry me, my mum's problems, my father's issues...all not good really so I do feel for you I really do. This might sound like a pathetic thing to say but do you like animals? They can give so much love and never ask for anything in return and they have such claming qualities. Might be a good start for you. I'm not saying don't foster but a pet might help for now if you don't have one already. Sorry if that sounds really pathetic. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sad Posted June 24, 2007 Author Report Share Posted June 24, 2007 Well this has been a thought in our minds for many years about adoption!! It is not just a distraction or another focus, what I meant by that was that we can become selfish in our lives and self centered and to giving to another person by giving them a loving home is really something that helps you be less selfish. I am quite aware of the pitfalls and the hard work involved, I also know that my husbands age is not an issue, infact it is a vertue due to the fact that he has had kids. If your single, gay, on benifits, have a disablity or a mental disorder in that case, you can still adopt so age is really not an issue. Really what I was asking was how it is for BPD sufferers who have children how do they get on and would they have had them knowing that they had BPD. Well getting an animal is a lovely thing to do, a responsiblity and I love animals, nice suggestion but don't think that it is a replacement for having children, just another good giving aspect to add to life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zarah Posted June 25, 2007 Report Share Posted June 25, 2007 I am quite aware of the pitfalls and the hard work involved, I also know that my husbands age is not an issue, infact it is a vertue due to the fact that he has had kids. If your single, gay, on benifits, have a disablity or a mental disorder in that case, you can still adopt so age is really not an issue. Really what I was asking was how it is for BPD sufferers who have children how do they get on and would they have had them knowing that they had BPD.I from time to time am on adoption panels....lots of factors come into it..... and any one of those factors you've mentioned is not an out and out no to adoption - however, if someone is disabled - we would look to what other sources of support there are in the family, the general support network that will be available to that child.... bpd per se would not mean you couldn't - but you would need to be able to prove that you are stable, and that where stress (and adoption and children in general can be vrey stressful) to happen, and cause your mental health to deteriorate, what support within your family circle could step in to make things better. It generally takes at least 6 months (often much more) to do all the work to get approved for adopting in this country... most areas initially have you and your partner going on a course for 6-8 weeks one evening a week with other people who are wanting to adopt - then you need to complete a detailed piece of work which looks into both you and your partners histories, and feelings, and expectations and emotions, as well as your wider support structures, .... this in itself is not always easy for people with mental health issues...if you get through that they will start thinking about a match....usually if one of a partnership has "problems" the other is viewed as helping with this, your partner is getting on in age, but should he (and obviously I hope he didnt) become unable to look after the child.... would your mental health problems be such that you wouldn't be able to manage on your own... yes, not anything anyone wants to think about.... but something that HAS to be considered in the BEST INTERESTS OF THE CHILD, which basically is what its all about....Yes, some people with bpd make great parents....However, I think when any parent is ill (physically or mentally) it puts and additional strain on the family..... if a child is already under additional stress, is this the right thing to do for them??there are no answers to any of my questions, just maybe a little thought provoking for some....Z Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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