Mother

[LadyMacbeth]

I recently posted that my mother was moving to England. She had my father waste $500 on a moving company to bring up her furniture to my dad's house in NJ. She is currently living in North Carolina with her boyfriend. She does not work and she refuses and my father is actually supporting her and her boyfriend because he must pay alimoney to her $800 a month. Which is crap but she seems to get by on it.

So she decided to leave her boyfriend and move back to England. Then she called up my father and sister today and told them she is only going back for a few months after my father paid $500 on a moving company which he can't get back. He is also paying for her plane ticket. She has my sister in tears and my father is going nuts because he does not have all this money to throw away.

She has always been impulsive and is always running from her problems. Each time we have moved she has been the one to push the idea and then as soon as we move she decides that she is unhappy there and we have to move again. I know she has some sort of depression. I did wonder if she had BPD but she does not fit the exact criteria for it. But, she has always been moody and impulsive but I am guessing its some sort of depression. She will not admit to having mental problems and seeking help for them she thinks that running away from them will solve all of her problems.

My father said I am a bit like her which was not very nice. Plus the fact I know I have problems and I want to sort them out. I also know from experience that you cannot run away from your problems because they will follow you. My dad told me that if I wanted to move back to England then I should move back but right now I know that is not a great idea for the simple fact that I need to get a lot of things sorted out in my head before I make such a change. I have already tried running back to England and Spain to hide from my problems but they only followed and made things worse.

Anyway, my mother has gone from bad to worse. But, what can I do. She seems to be manipulating my sister and my father. She knows I do not want to hear about it. I have my own problems and hers used to bring me down into a deeper depression. So for that reason I stopped talking to her. My second mother (my best friend in the whole world) has actually been through similar situations as me told me I need to learn to forgive because my mother is only human. I got a little annoyed at that first but I guess I can hear that from her because she told me she forgave her abuser and her mother to get rid of that hurt and anger that was lingering inside of her.

I just want to run away from this. I really do not want to see her when she comes up to NJ because she is just going to bring everyone down. I always feel a hundred times worse after seeing her. I know she does not mean it but she expects everyone to solve her problems for her. She also does not have anyone to control like she used to control me and then when I left for college it was my father and my sister. Now she only has herself and she has tangled herself up in web of problems that she cannot seem to escape from. No one can help her unless she helps herself and she is so set in her mind that she will not ever change. I would really like to know what is wrong with her though.

I am not sure how I am going to deal with this because when I think about it it just sets off an overwhelming explosion of anxiety. I don't really know what to do. I actually thought it would be best for her to go back to England and be near her family rather then that man of hers.

I am afraid I will turn out like her. I mean she is miserable and just making life for everyone else even worse. I guess this is out of my hands. I feel bad for her and I wish she could sort her life out but how can I deal with her problems when I am struggling to deal with mine.

[Ginny]

Poor Em

Honey, I really, really, REALLY know what you are going through - my mother tore my life up - and when I was 22 I just got out. I came to Australia and, through a series of events, stayed as a permanent resident. Of course, the BPD came with me and I have spent the last 15 yrs of my life putting myself together and trying to become well. I could never have done that if my Mother had been in my life. She had huge issues - like your mother - and I was just as sick - if not worse... and it just doesnt work. If I had stayed in England - I would be dead by now... and that is the simple truth. Family (on the whole) involves far too much emotion for someone with BPD to be able to cope with. I am SO sorry for what you are going through... I hope you find a way to disentangle yourself and get on with getting well.... Right there with you, sweetie...

Ginny :wub:

[Betsy]

LM,

Didn't you say you still have an apartment in NY? Maybe you could stay there while she is here. I think you are very wise not to buy into or try to help solve her problems. As for you Dad and Sis... well they are grownups and will have to come to the realization, like you did, on their own that they cannot help her.

I am sorry she was never the mom she should have been... sorry for you and sorry for her. I think you are so neat and she missed knowing that.

(((((((((((((((((( LM )))))))))))))))))))))))))))

bets

[Katherine]

(((((((((Lady M)))))))))

You aren't your mum. You, as you say, are getting help for yourself. You will be seeing a therapist, and getting those anxius pills...

And you have us and the site.

Though my dad isn't like your mum, he too never got help with his problems, he was too scared to even admit he was ill(so put it all on me-and then my mum would say-"You're just as bad as your father...")

I wish I could offer better advice, but all I can say righ now, is remember your strength, courage and insight.

Its obvious to me that you do care about your mum, but you sadly cannot change her. I know that from too many years trying to be my parents' parent. Look after yourself, take care of you...

love,

lorna

[LadyMacbeth]

"Family (on the whole) involves far too much emotion for someone with BPD to be able to cope with."

Thanks Ginny, you are absolutely right that its difficult for someone coping with BPD to deal with family problems because there is too much emotion involved. As my former T once told me that I can't solve my mother's problems I need to focus on mine. Even though she was a real cow its hard not worring but there is nothing I can do about it. My friend said forgivess but I am not ready for that yet on my own it will take a lot of work with a theraipist to get through this. I do worry that it will come to the poin where she will have enough and do something drastic. I am already worried that one day she is going to tell us she has lung cancer or something.

"Didn't you say you still have an apartment in NY? Maybe you could stay there while she is here. I think you are very wise not to buy into or try to help solve her problems. As for you Dad and Sis... well they are grownups and will have to come to the realization, like you did, on their own that they cannot help her."

Thanks Betsy-I will stay in NY most of the time but I am guessing I will see her for one or two days before she goes to England. But, it is safer for me to be in NY. My father said he is going to put his foot down with her but somehow I don't think he will do it. Its hard for him because he was married to her for so long. He has admitted that he is having some problems and wants to see a therapist but he actually goes for free at work. She has my sister wrapped around her finger. I think she likes to control people and she found me as an easy target because I was weak and she felt like crap inside so she hurt me but now that I am not there she is going frantic because she only has herself to hurt now.

"Its obvious to me that you do care about your mum, but you sadly cannot change her. I know that from too many years trying to be my parents' parent. Look after yourself, take care of you..."

Thanks Lorna...YOu sould just like my former therapist. Its advice my therapist would have told me. You are right I need to focus on recovering and I need to worry about myself. It is hard but hopefully I can get through with the new T.

Thanks so much for your advice. It means a lot. I know that the majority of us are dealing with similar issues with our parents and its confusing because for some of us they were the abusers. Many stories sounds pretty similar and its nice to be here for eachother through it.

Thanks a lot.

Hugs,

LM :wub:

[LadyMacbeth]

Its a good thing I keep my e-mails from my for therapists. I e-mailed my former therapist three years ago with the same problems when my mother was causing problems in the house right before my parents broke up and she said "of course I can't tell you what to do but I will say that I think you might try to realize that though you are part of the family you can let go and let them work out their lives. You simply can't control it all. I think you should try to really distract yourself when you find yourself focusing on the whole saga too much.It's a part of your life but not YOUR LIFE!"

I should remember that when I start to obsess over this.

[Katherine]

....copy it out into your journal or something!!!!

I'm glad I was able to help a little.

Take care.

lorna

[lille_eskimit]

I think that therapist is right...Good on you for not letting your mother control your life...wish I could say the same about myself!

Your mother may need help, but you cannot force it on her...It is something she must do on her own...It sounds like you've already done the best you can for her...There's not really much else you can do but try to reason with her, so just let it go...Like the therapist said, you cannot solve the world's problems, and you need to take care of yourself...Your mum is certainly old enough to look out for herself!