Getting Them To Listen-long

[pucca_chick]

here is my story anyways just to update you. i was sexually abused age 6-11, bullied at school and all. i was always behind in school even before the abuse, the day dreamer, was slow to learn and always in trouble for not paying attention. socially i was crap, very quiet and timid and freaked out easily. at home i was a nightmare, kicking, screaming and throwing things, i got slapped but it didnt make a difference to me. after the abuse i got stupid habits like twitching and jerking nad OCD traits. i reached upper school, made a few freinds, it was ok but didnt mean mich. aghe 14 i became very vwry depressed, walked about like a zombie, was irriatable, fell behind again at school but hid it throught almost killing myself the night before exams and essays, i hid it all from everyone. i ended up almost jumping ot of windows, drowning myself and began harming in different ways(cutting, burning, nagnging and punching).

every year id say-when i turn 15' then it became a ritual that evetyday id say'when i reach my next birthday if things arent better ill get help', it never got better. at 16 i trapsed to a GP after many many days standing outside ther surgury looking in and daring to go see her. i went in, she was crap, i had a panic attack, she told me to eat some vegetables, and off i went. so for the next two years i got worse, i kept up the mask to a perfect degree and you really cannot see through it, not even i know how i do it. i harmed more and more, everyday, id already restritcted eating to about 400 cals a day exercised till i was only just able to stay conscious, i tried purging also. people noticed and i had ti eat,so i harmed more then.

then finally i reached 18-when confidentiality is absolute. i started UNI and registered with the health centre. i found it almost impossible to see a GP after the last one, convinced she'd just shrug me off again. i eventually went after 2 months of walking past the surgury as usual. finally got in there just about, she was different though-she looked at me this time and when i said about my moods i was really shocked at how she seemed genuinely interested and asked me questions. we did a score, she said i had depression and a bit of anxiety,. on that day she prescribed me prozac. i felt a bit of hope for once more than i had in years. i took them, religiously, but the harming kept coming and so did the thoughts and the moods.

eventually i plucked up the courgae to tell her i harmed still(i lied before and told her i didnt do it anymore), i also was honest and told her about the suicide thoughts. she seemed concerned, asked to see but it was momts before i let her near anything. i also told her about the abuse which she then referred me to counselling which id previously decided i wanst going to, but now i felt i had a reason to be there.

things didnt improve. she sent me for a CPN assessment, it came back that i was ok really, she felt they were dismmisive, my problem is (if u look on the DID forum) that i cannot communcicate, i switch off when faced with it all and then it looks ,like i make it all up, i cant find any emotion or remember things then. so she sent me for another assessment, again they were dismissive, but my GP pushed and managed to get a one off woth a proper psychiatrist. throughtout this i was alreayd seeing two counsellors.

i went for ther psych assessment, and it even more bloody useless. i was asked eveythign again but in less detail, the psych looked bored out of her mind and i was just on another planet. then i seen the consultant after for 2 mins and he decided nothing was wrong and told me to carry on with counselling.

then i crashed, the day my GP rang and told me she sided with him because he is the psych and guessed he knew more than her, at the same time id wrote her a frustrated letter(i always write my doc though), she took it the wrong way and just left me standing there and told me another doc would be best. so i collapsed at the side of a road, went hysterical and began heaving. rang my counsellor who took me in, i sorted it(it took a few weeks) with the doc and im soo glad. she and my counsellor are the only ones i would trust, my GP has been amazing and i honestly would not be here if she hadnt of kept giving me a bit of hope. my counsellor stopped me from ODing that day everything crashed. also my GP is the first person i told about the abuse, she kind of is at the head of it all-well thats how i feel anyway.

anyway, despite that im on good terms again with my doc, she is out of ideas, she keeps getting the wrong end of the stick due to what the psych said.they took away my diagnosis of depression and anxiety and now im called'emotionally disturbed',no explanation-just 2 fucking words. i dont go by this, to me i know what is the basis of the problem-i feel severely depressed and thats that really, they cannot tell me what i feel, whether they want to class it as an illness or not, all i know is its how i feel, so make what they want of it. that works fine until i run into problems with disability services at UNI, unable to get to support groups with the heading'depressed' because officially im not ill, also work think im depressed and i feel im lying to them now.i cannot understand whats wrong if not even they know.

anyways, ive been seeing 2 counsellors fior 7 months, done very damn exercise, ive tried also art, music, exercise, diet, talking, not talking, crying, everything and nothing works. i cant get my doc to listen anymore, her hearts in the right place but she cant understand, my life is falling apart, i have 2 jobs i HATE and am going t just walk out of soon(they make me want to OD), im failing UNI, i only go when its at the point ill fail, i waste extentions and my work is rubbish cos im soo unfocused, i began to isolate from freinds more(they are annoyed at me now), i spend days away from the house and parents to drink alone and smoke boxes of fags after another and harm,when i do go out i get drunk, stoned, pass out or go to sleep or vomit. i argue a lot now too, i have a very difficult time getting out of bed, i either dont sleep or get trapped in bed for days, the days merge , its just light and dark to me, everything is empty, i dont do hobbies anymore, its hopeless, boring, dull and im in dispair. i am crawling along on my hands and knees, i feel nauseas a lot, i get an upset stomach every single day, my muscles and bones ache at times from sheer exhaustion, i forget everything, i cant remember what happened before a lot and i cant see were im going, my thoughts contradict eachother constantly and i cant make sense.

i feel like no1 is listening anymore, when i talk of suicide and say to them how i have been sitting clutching them and counting them up they dont take heat anymore, my harm is not important anymore and they keep saying'you have to want to get better', i do more than anything but nothing clicks no matter how i try. they wont give me meds, they say its out of the question as theres nothing wrong with me. what do i do?? whats a thing that gets them to listen to me-any of you had this?? they once implied i was chasing mental illness, i am hurt and angry about it, when something is genuionley wrong that i cannot fix, ive already been knocked back a dozen times before and then they tell me this, i often feel so close to just giving up but cant do it to my family or freinds. im 19 and its taken away 5 yrs of my life, its not improving and im running out of strength, ive done all this within the space of under a year(the pshcs, GP and cpns) and i fele its all flown by and i missed the boat and now ill be stuck in hell forever.

how do i get them to see i just cant communicate it with them-but things really are a total mess, i cant even grow up because i cannot take care and im awful with cash-but i struggle along and to me its becoming impossible, i can only hold out for so long

please help

xox

[Lily-Bee]

I am a bit confused on the one hand you said your diagnoses was depression and anxiety on the other you say that they say there is nothing wrong with you?

It sounds like you are having a really hard time! And I am sorry to hear that. It must be really frustrating when you feel you have tried so much to help yourself and its not working.

Have you found anything at all that is of help? Maybe some little things? You can work from there maybe.

Lilly

[Betsy]

pc,

it sounds like you have been having troule all your life. i am sorry to hear you feeling this way. i might suggest you join the sexual abuse forum. there are lots of people there that understand and can help.

you also sound like you are looking at your whole life at one time. no wonder you are overwhelmed! you really havent missed the boat. it is never to late to change. i like what lily says about thinking if anything has helped and focusing on that.

maybe you can commit to focusing on only one thing at a time. just work on one little aspect. life is not a sprint.. it is a journey done one step at a time. we will be here to listen and to help and to encourage you. many people have been where you are all though now it seems to you that you are the only one and are so lonely there. keep talking and keep trying and one step at a time we can all become more whole.

bets

[pucca_chick]

thanks guys. yep im confused too, they took away the dx after my last assessment and said at best i was emotionally disturbed, but didnt explain much even when i asked. in their eyes this is not an illness, i think they see it as being lazy and weak because they cannot fit me in a neat box. im trying my best slugging it along but not much is happening, infact-nothing is happening.

one good thing is-i did manage to open up to my GP more, and the second-i have a wonderful counsellor. but it wont get me out of this, things that are positive i just dont feel, they mean nothing, i wont give up on it but some days are a close call

thanks, xox

[dollydaydream]

i could feel your hurt in the words you wrote,how anyone could say your not ill when you feel that way is beyond me, try and do little simple things just for you, even if its just smell a flower (sorry thats wot im like!!) youre doing a good thing by posting on here, youre not alone, take care, (hugs) dd

[dale-mc]

Communicating the problem is hard and I had a problem with that as well. It took the psych to actually see me have a breakdown before they diagnosed me. I hope someone will actually see what is going on with you so you can get the proper help that you need.

-Dale

[pucca_chick]

thanks guys, i feel compltetley alone in this, my doc tells me'theres loads of 19 yr olds going through traumas right now', but why can i not find a single one, why am i seeming to be the only one and u know what, when she says this-it does not add a comforting thought when im clutching the pills-at the end of it im stuck in my head and it means fuck all what some annonymous, faceless far off 19 yr old is doing that has no connection with me, its not going to put a stopper in my mood-if it did, we'd never ever feel this way!

i feel less alone now that i have read your posts, its hard to find at home, but on here i dont feel like im being an idiot and 'chasing and illness' like they said i was. i cringe at the thought of that, before i got help, its the one thing that terrified me, that theyd think something along the lines of attention seeking. it actually seems to be a common theme, to me mental illness and psychiatry are so sketchy, ive read on diferent forums and support lines the struggles people go through to get believed and the help they deserve-it sucks in that if u deny something or argue with the docs-ur either crazier than theyve just diagnosed u or ur just an arse.

you know what u said about needing to breakdown infront of psychs before they realise is sooo true. i have always with barley any effot held a totally disconnected approach, not on prupose it just becomes me. but the day my doc called me and i crashed, i couldnt even hide it i was devastated. i turned up at my counsellors in tears and was talking bollocks, i ended up seeing her twice in one day just to sort it out so i didnt have to try and survive the wekend with nothing to hope for. since that day the sessions have meant something, i connected with my counsellor and i feel nowe she knows the real me.

same with a GP i had to see after my tiff with my regular. i was about to just fuck it all, i was a mess in my head, a tiny tiny fraction of it came through to her just from utter desperation as i cracked my speech and almost-very nearly cried(which i just dont do unless its the end of he world right that instant and my brain cant process it), she changed her tune actually from the beginning of the app to the end, she emphasised meds my other GP and sent me back.

its just i cant just bring emotion out, i need to tell someone that i have this thing that stops it all from seeming belivable, that i cant show anything. you know i think group therapy is a great idea, i actually was about to go to a depression group until they took away my DX, i cannot turn up there, im not officially ill, it looks like and i feel like a fake, ill get more furious if i tried going and i dont actually know if they accept u without a DX from ur doc-so im stuck and its the one fucking bright idea i had and they run it against me.

today was shite. went to work, did everything wrong. i have a hard time following simple instructions, then i freak out. i ballsed up laods of times, made an ass of myself. and the best part was when i was on changing room duty, i was standing back a bit from the doorway, i was in a total trance, not even with it at all. next thing i know a voice gets louder and i wake up heart pounding(i wasnt literally sleeping), notice theres a long que and im standing in the doorway like a prat while people ar trying to get my attenmtion and are only a foot away from me. it was highly embarressng. i always do fucking stupid things like that, im such a daydreamer, im clumsy and forgetful, just the other day i was smoking a fag in my mouth, when it dissapeared, dont know how or were too, i only walked a few paces but couldnt for the life of me recall were it went, i actually worried id shuved it in my handbag still lit by mistake.

well thats my day.

xox

[Lily-Bee]

It sounds like it really helps you to write it all down. Maybe you could start your own blog?

Lilly

[pucca_chick]

seen my counsellor today. it was fucking hard-ever get when you know theyre trying to help, theyre telling the truth in a nice way- but u just dont like the truth??

im exhausted to the point i dont care to try anymore even. she says i need to take more control instead of handing it to my doctor to fix me. its true in a sense but i feel im doing all i can, its too much to control and i just want to be understood.

im stuck now, after i write my doc a letter getting her to understand-she pointed out'what happens then?'-and i dont know either. what do i want from her?? i want her to suggest something, i want something that we havent tried before thatll work. what do u guys expect of ur docs??

i know only i can make me better, i know that deep down, but i like to feel that someone will be with me to understand and help.

my counsellor also said i needed to take control more, but im burnt out, i dont have any more energy, just getting out of bed is an acheivement in itself, after that its all a bonus. i have NO drive in me anymore, im sorry but sometimes it feels they just say'yea, u need to do this, this and this' and expect me to just be starightforward and do it, if i could i would, but im all over the place, im forgetting most things, lifes just whizzing by and im so cut off from everything. u know i dont even feel in total dispair right now because i cant feel anything, i know if i was emotionally awake i would be, but i feel kind of dead, or like im watching everything through frosted windows.

what should i do??

lilly-that blog's a great idea, it may take me a while to get my ass in gear to do it though

xox

[Lily-Bee]

I can understand its hard when you feel youre doing everything you can and you feel youre getting nowhere. I always think baby steps are best,set goals for yourself that arent too hard to do and just keep taking those little steps.

Maybe you can take some time to figure out what it is you want exactly from your counceller and doctor.

You say you want them to suggest something but obviously they think you need to work it out.

So maybe give yourself some time to figure out what you want.

You can post about it here of course and maybe we can help you in figuring it out.

I think we all here can understand how hard it can be. And we´d like to see you feel better.

So what do you think would help in getting yourself there, maybe you can try figure that out.

You are good at writing so maybe just start writing for yourself and work out what things youve discussed in the past with counceller and doctor have helped, what things can you do and how can they help you with that.

My therapist often says when I have an issue, well how do you think is best to deal with it? She gives me direction too but in the end I have to do it............

Lilly

[becsnoamp]

Hiya

Quite common for the psych ppl to take away a depression diagnosis that your GP may have given. They do it a lot. Especially if they feel the cause is more of a PD.

Yes, they took away the label that gave you the reassurance that the reason you feel like you do, is because you are unwell. Now officially are are not unwell but again its down to the same thing "psychological problems".

I really don't think the mental health people are the right department for us folks. I think we should be under psychological counselling or something. Will get better treated.

Depression is a medical illness. Something wrong with the chemicals of the brain. They're obviously saying and thinking that you don't have anything medically wrong with you. They do that to loads of people so don't worry, you are not alone. It happens a lot.

[pucca_chick]

hey guys, just got back from hols- long, hard and had to be enthusiastic for my parents.

anyway, the day before i left my doc just spontaniously suggested when i get back we try anti-depressants again-what???? where id thst come come from??? she was sooo against it, but maybe cos im just not moving and its been 8 months and not one thing has shifted, if anything ive become physically worn down and im just falling further.

becsnoamp-interesting what u said, just, im 19 and i know theyre funny about ages, but no1 has passed me a diagnosis bar my GP(depression and anxiety), they have never mentioned any personality disorder. jesus its annoying-why dont they tell people whats wrong, id rather know, to me its really cruel to just leave someone in hell with no explanation. how can i be suicidal and all but have no depression, i tick almost every damn obx to a high enough degree, my score said severe depression yet my GP just stared, now shes changed, but i dont know if i got the diagnosis back or shes just trying the pills agin. but its weekly cos she thinks ill fuck about with overdoses.

wyhat do you think??

xox

[Lily-Bee]

I really hope the meds will help you!!

And why don´t you just ask what made her change her mind? Thats a reasonable question I think.

Lilly

[pucca_chick]

NOPE!!! heres the latest!!!!

having been on holiday and feeling alone, my doc told me to write while i was there. so i did, but i couldnt touch on some stuff because it was waaay too hard and id have gone nuts had i let myself think about it. but i still needed to let out my anger about my parents and all.

so i arrive at my docs, ask her what we are doing, she looks shocked to see me back despite telling me to book an app the week i come home so we can finally start new AD's. instead she tells me im being aggressive, that the letter meant i wasnt depressed,dont need AD's anymore she decided, i just hated everyone and that what i wrote is just life-so i took this as get a fucking grip! how could anyone not take it that way??

so then we did the thing that comes up every so often. she tells me she cant do anything more, i need to keep at counselling and to see another doc now. i lean heavily on her at times i know, but it is only because counselling isnt working. ive been at it for almost 9 months, 2 at once at one stage. ive been on ever damn help site, online cousnellor and support group there is-and still nothing. im doing every exercise my counsellor gives me, thinking it through and really trying. but i feel utterly empty of any hope whatsoever, im past dispair now. im barley making it to work, in one jobe me nickname is 'retarded' because im on my own planet. the other, my manager is now watching me on the job, asking constanlty if im ok,. giving me big fake smiles and patting me on the shoulders, saying i need to get more involved, asking why i cant work a till having been trained already, i cant talk to the people there, they think im weird, i cant deal with customers, i make mistakes constanlty, things slip by me and most of the time im in a trance or else making 'fake'visits to the stock room so i can sit in the lift and try not to break down and cry.

i begin UNI in a few weeks and have not a single hope in hell of even near managing. last year was an absolute nightmare but things were at least seemingly going somewhere, i had my doc, my counsellors and i was having assessments and i knew why i was on disability(depression and anxiety).even when things didnt move i didnt feel as alone because no one had given up on me yet as a hopeless case, and i had a name to put to my feelings, if i had a name i knew what it was and i wasnt, i felt i knew what i was trying to fix then.

now they say i have no depression, no anxiety, nothing-yet why am i falling apart. i know they say the name means nothing-but can you imagine feeling the way you do and having no explanation, just trying to sort out the mess everyday and with counselling that isnt improving, telling docs over an over again and no one ever getting it or helping??

i spend my days empty or on the brink, im angry a lot, i avoid people a lot, being wth my freinds-i know somewhere in there they mean a lot, but being with them has become more tedious and i make excuses to go home because i will break. i used to be so sporty and i do nothing anymore. its at the stage i cant do my job, i cant do UNI, i cant be with people. i go days in the same clothes, unwashed and just eat whenever. im weak, exhausted and feel sick all the time, my body aches and it just comes down on me. i spend time descreetly twitching and shaking and doing mild compulsions that however small just remind me that i dont think i can fix all this myself-but were is the help thats promised with opeining up???

last week after seeing my doc, i was crushed to peices entirley. she said shed keep seing me but its like'if i have to', thats not what i need-a reluctant person feeling like im not worth their time. i decided that day fuck it, its all or nothing with me in general and this comes into it. i was leaving my counsellor and my doc, everything and just giving in until eventually i numb to it again. this idea came as i sat on the floor of my mates house stoned off my face and the room was swimming due to alchohol. its all i can do. and i fall back on harming every fucking day. im doing it again everyday not just a few times a week.

in dont think i can keep this up. i cant see another doc, theres an attatchment their of trust. shes the first person in my life i ever opened up to about the abuse and all, it was a risk i cant take again. she was soo understanding in the beginning and i want that back-but i feel shes out of ideas because the specialist pveruled her and said theres nothing wrong FYI-im still in counselling, trying my best bit its either sucking the life out of me or going nowhere. i see my doc in 2 weeks again-please, has anyone ever had the same problem and not been able to change docs or been on their last legs-how can i get them to listen to me before its too late??

what should i do, i cant keep going like this-why cant they beleive im depressed-what in my life shows that im happy or what is there not a dibilitating problem with??

please help, xox

[Lily-Bee]

You sound desperate.

What I have to say you might not want to hear but maybe it would help if you could bring yourself to see another doc.

A new doc with a fresh perspective might have better idea´s on how to help you.

Lilly

[pucca_chick]

yep thought u'd say that lol.

my counsellor and i are on full speed trying to sort her out.my counsellor thinks theres an 'it' that i cant explain, we talk about issues but dont know whats at the core of it. i think i kno-the feelings that are there for no reason-everything else builds on it and thus im passed off as a hormaonal teenager with an attitude and a bad past .

so i wrote out a list this time of my feelings, explaining theyre already there, then putting down what makes them worse and is only weighing me down but not the cause as such. my counsellor said it was good, so ill have to wait and see what my doc says anyways-not getting my hopes up there, but at the same time i so desperatley want her help. i cant change, this is a major issue with my therapist-shes trying to understand what the attatcment there is, weve got part of it-she was the first person i EVER told anyone of what happened and how i felt, im very all good or all bad-so she either now has to be with me in this, or without, if im without im alone and hopeless again-so in a round about way, she gives me a bit of hope-when shes understanding.

but i need to do something now, every time i feel myself reaching the very brink again and like everyones leaving i go on a desperate frantic race to catch it all. ive done every exercise and more this weekend for my counsellor, ive turned my head inside out. its just my days are numbered in my job also, its seriously stressful. im rubbish at it and they are now watching me on the job a lot, it really brings me down that im trying so hard and things just fall apart anyways-whats the point??

any tips on getting a doc to listen-is asking them questions a good idea??

thanks

[Silkworm]

A quick question Pucca ~ what are your expectations from a Doctor? What do you hope that she help you with? If your doc has assessed that you aren't clinically depressed, it may be because your problems are largely a psychological response to trauma/abuse. It may not be easy to accept, but healing from abuse and learning new coping skills takes time. There are no quick fixes or miracle cures. Medication may give you some stability (mood stabilisers can help with bpd-like symptoms sometimes), so you're better able to work through the issues, but you're doc is doing the professional thing in not over-prescribing an anti-depressant if you're aren't clinically depressed. Existential crises and sadness aren't necessarily depression. Doesn't mean to say that some of us don't struggle with both (psychological problems can lead to a clinical depression), but it seems that your doc has given this careful thought and observation.

I'm not entirely sure if your doc is a GP or a psychiatrist. If she is a GP, have you thought about getting a referral to a psychiatrist? Being assessed by a specialist might be helpful for you..just a thought.

Keep plugging away with the therapy..you seem really committed to working through your problems. Be patient, trust the process and expect a bit of a rocky road at times. You'll do fine Pucca.

Tc,

Sw

[pucca_chick]

i know she is appearing proffessional-but NO-she has in the past been incrediblly unproffessional ie-telling me over the phone thats it, i told her im stuck, she refused to listen, layed into me then said bye, left me standing like a loser at the side of a road having just collapsed. my counsllor that day had to give me two emergency appointments and get me to contact my GP again.it held us waaaay back what with exmas nxt week, harming badly, then drink and the odd bit of dope-cant remember much of the time that followed.

she is incosistant-says one thing one day and actually says the EXACT oposite the next. she gave me anxiety meds for 1 week and i said they made me start twicthing again she took them off me with no explanation yet i still am a very anxious person.

a month ago she understood me better, she saw the bigger picture and decided when i return from holidays we should start a new course of AD's, which i realise isnt going to cure me , all i want at best is something thatll help me focus with counselling-im not on a level yet were i can put it into practice, im trying to juggle everything and its too much.

then next week, having wrote another letter of minor annoyances on holiday(she told me to write) she over ruled the last letter, and then said now im not depressed i just hate everyone.she tends not to see the whole picture but goes from what she sees per letter, or per appointment. i was pissed because my first letter was my true feelings i finally got her understanding, the 2nd was just a holiday letter about how it was hard and all-but i never touched on deep emotions because on holiday away from everyone i couldn handle that! so once again she got the wrong idea.

my expectations-not that she does it all for me-i know she cant, im doing my bit, counsellor is helping-i want her to help me like she tried before. all i want is her understanding, a bit of that wudnt help as opposed to last weeks rant about 'thats life'. in the long term, im trying everything, its been 9 bloody long months, ive just sunk further, my life is falling apart-im still just about breathing, all i want is for her to open new options-try another medication. how do we know it wont help me?? im angered because i feel my counsellor and i are turning our heads inside out anyways, then her inconsistancy makes me explode every few weeks, im wrecked and she refuses to try anything, she says she doesnt know what to do and appears in several different minds, when she is still unsure she wont make a decision and says no.

shes a GP-i was sent to 3 assessments, ran into the same problem. someone asks me something and my head turns to fuzz. i have a severe problem of communicationg anything, something even my counsellor is still working around. its only because she has had the time to read e-mails i send and stuff. in the beginning my GP never questioned if it was depression because i wrote it all down in bullets for her. but as i began trying to talk-sometimes i just sit there and answer questions and theyre rather empty, others i talk and use sarcasam because its so hard to be emotional. i have a hard time remembering what i feel because it turns hazy and when i go to these places i switch off entirley.

i wish id been able more for those assessments, because they lost me the GP's understanding. but one of them i hadnt even begun counselling and the others i was 1/2 months in and my counsellor was even having a hard time getting me opening up. but now i try so hard but its impossible.

please dont go thinking what the psychs are all about, i know they cant be right because some things theyve predicted or said are totally off the mark and i feel helpless.

thanks

[Silkworm]

(((Pucca))) knowing something is wrong and struggling to find the words to describe it to the doc's~ it's really tough. Especially when you really trying so hard to get treatment.

You've described pretty well here, what you hope to find in a Dr. Writing it down can be so much easier than verbalizing it. You were pretty clear on wanting a Dr who understands you, who won't give up on you and wants to explore treatment options. If your current GP isn't able to offer that, have you thought about finding a new GP? Dr's are human too..and some Dr's aren't comfortable working with survivor's. Which is their prerogative..but it leaves you a bit high'n'dry (been there, tis a sad part of the landscape of bpd unfortunately). Perhaps think about looking for a new GP you're comfortable with, and/or think about going back to see a pdoc? They can't make an accurate assessment in a few sessions...it will take some time. Seeing a pdoc is the better option, imho...because you're really struggling and really need the specialized support they can offer. They may or may not prescribe medication, but there are lot of people who post here who are prescribed mood stabilizers or anti-psychotics for bpd symptoms. I'm not quite sure what you mean about pdoc's being off the mark...did you disagree with their diagnosis?

Hope things start moving forward for you soon,

Tc

Sw

[pucca_chick]

thanks silkworm

my problem is, my doc beleived me and was genuinley interested before the psychs. then i seen them, i got soo nervous and i have a switch off problem(they suggested maybe ADD is the problem with that but low and behold nothing was ever done about that either).

i cudnt really get thru to the psychs well, they ended up taking off my depression and anxiety diagnosis, and im left with nothing. im told they felt i was emotionally disturbed-fucking great!-it doesnt take frued to know that, nor does it help me understand anything, what im dealing with or what treatment is best. right now im in 'counselling', even my counsellor is beginning to suggest theres something else not right.

what do you think. changing docs is hard, i see her mistakes but think shes great, i mean wonderful, im terrified she'd leave, i have severly pushed it at times, when i fucked up and she almost left last time i hunted the woman down. any suggestions-ever had a problem with letting go-incase i have to??

xox

[Silkworm]

Hi Pucca,

No-one has all the answers (least of all me). What I think about this matters little..what matters it what you think will help you. It seems like you have put your doc on a pedestal..and when she errs (as everyone does) it shakes your foundations. I understand that you have a lot emotionally invested in the relationship with your GP...perhaps you can see this as an opportunity to invest some of that energy in building a relationship with yourself? Your counsellor is the best person to help you do some of that work and help you move on.

If you can't go back to see one of the pdocs you've already been to, keep trying until you find one you're comfortable with. The relationship with a Dr is like any other...rapport is important. Sometimes it takes a little while to find the right one. As I've said before, a specialist is in a far better position to help you. GP's are generalist's and know a little about a lot of things, they are usually very busy and overworked and may not be able to offer the level of support and treatment you need.

Best wishes in your search for treatment Pucca

Tc,

Sw

[Miko]

Pucca - you are ahead of the game

Some professionals will never catch up

That is your cross and mine too

Do your own exploring

Keep it largely to yourself (and anonymous forums)

Join as many support groups as you can

Get to Donna Williams' tour dates if you can

[pucca_chick]

silkworm-yep i know i put high hopes on her, only because im alwasy frantic and just want it to stop, it gets worse as she just sits and stares at me vaccantly though. she is good but isnt able to think outside the box right now, when we are working well we do good, im in better spirirts and i still feel miserable but she gives me a slight bit of hope, and the reassurance that if i fuck up big time she will be there for suggestions-i dont feel as alone. i know only i can do this-but isnt that why its called 'help' and not 'do it all for me'?? when we are working slowly and shes not listening im in mess.im trying my hardest i can possibly do, but thers the trap were things are almost damn impossible, i harm all the time, i feel entirley dead, i dont care and im usually not far from suicide thoughts or plans(but ive got my family so i cant)-yet in order to hide all this i literally drag myself along by the hair, some days it feels impossible, its a constanbt struggle to just keep my mouth above water, yet i do this and then the proffessionals all think im fine despite what im explaining-they see it as face value-i get up, go to work, come home, say hello to my parents. but in rewality its not that simple, its extremly turbulant and im breaking.then the minute i let something slip im accused of not trying, despite how i just had no control.

my counsellor is good but she cant do anymore for me but stay with me and try and keep it under control, im constantly slipping off the rails, im never actually on them to start with. shes been great and on two occasions has prevenbted me from ODing.but i can only keep battling for so long, and with no sign of anyone elkse listening or helping me it gets more hopeless.

over here the specialists over rule GP's. my GP was great, she seen it for what it was. the specialists seem to have entirley polluted the womans veiw and she is caught between conflicting opinions, she sees what im like yet the specialists have a different veiw-it doesnt add up., what gets me is twice my GP has been angered by how incompetant they were with me the first two times, their conclusions didnt follow up with me and she recognised this. but then the fucking god of psychs(the others were CPN's) assessed me, well, actually he sent some 12 yr old in to interveiw me in less detail and looking profoundly bored, i on basic terms find it almost impossible to explain my self, then the guy spoke to me for two minutes, and didnt ask me any questions, just told me theres nothing, stay at counselling and itll improve, then felt the need to remind me and then smile that i was abused. hes a fucking dickhead and in my opinion he got his degree out of a christmas cracker. but my GP is wary of going against it, i see her veiw to, the facts, ive been to 3 assemsnets, two were useless and the last she must feel they cant have been wrong, ive been on 1 anti depressant and it didnt work. but then my counsellor says he sounded very wrong, has the wrong idea, mistunderstood everything and im also told that this hospital is notorious for being entirley fucking useless!!

what u said about rapport is so true. both of our rapport has changed and i think thats the problem-thats why im working with my counsellor this week on how to get the best out of what time she can give me. no more faffing about but straight to it-its hard tho because im thee most unorganised confusing person out. but i am trying my best, i can only get so far and i feel now its time i use a med to just help me work through the rest, its too hard by myself, theres too much and im already sunk.

miko-nice to know its not just me-do u not ever feel like everyone else gets listened to. i hate when they talk about 'sick people' and then my problems are invalidated. i can be identical, feel just as bad all day but they refuse a diagnosis because they either dont listen, decide i just have psychological problems due to my past-or better yet i cant get out whats in my head. i have no wish to be sick, in fact they dont seem to understand im so persistant because i want to get better-but they take it the other way. im left in the inbetween, if im ok then why am i barley able to function and why is everything so turbulant, if i wasnt trying i cud understand but i am with everything i have and nothing changes.i try sometimes to belive what they say, that im fine, but no matter how much i convince myself i end up in a bad state and realise 'no-i am not ok-this isnt normal' they just sit scratching their arse while my life dwindles slowly down the toilet despite my best efforts. anyone who says that things can be easily fixed, and there is help out there is deluded, its not so simple, theres a lot of poncy psychs, misunderstandings and arguemnts, no one actually fucking listens to a patient, whats the fucking point if they just do what they please anyways!!

whats ur experiences in getting help?? any diagnosis been switched or removed-i have no fucking answer for why im a mess-but apparently im meant to be ok with being incapable and not understanding why!! do u feel ur on ur own??

thanks, xox

[JTBadBug]

how nice to read that I am not the only one who writes letters...the problem is, well if you are like me, I get too emotional in them and they all hate me for it...I have had all support removed...it seems our crime is to write down and actually tell people how we are feeling...at which point they say...sorry we can't treat people like you. I lost 10+ years between 14 and 26...and then one day, I woke up and life was wonderful...unfortunately it crashed again in a similar way as to how it got better...I had 8 good years though.

I understand your frustrations...I fear that I suffer because I can't cry for people, but, how the hell can they expect me to cry when I have had to cover up and not let anyone know what I was suffering when I was younger.

I know what I want them to do...I want them to wave a magic wand and let my head stop fighting, let the disires for harm and the need to die be banished...why on earth do people think that we want to live this way?

Keep fighting for support...one day you will find someone who can help...or if you are lucky you will be like me and one day just notice that things are better...should that happen just be careful, I thought the demons had gone forever, but, they have a way of coming back when you least expect them.

Good luck.

Jane

[pucca_chick]

yup-i write.. alot. think thats the problem, she says she doesnt mind me writing but really im sure she takes no pleasure in reading the same sad story every 2 weeks, and it aint short either. but i dont get it, they said write it, i say more then and get it out, yet then im belittled or its'theres nothing i can do for u'. but its in desperation i write, and no ones there. some try but its just words

thanks, for letting me know its not just me-i wonder if its just the people that write that end up in this mess??

xox