pucca_chick Posted September 3, 2007 Author Report Share Posted September 3, 2007 well here i go again-off to see the GP in 2 days time. my god it feels like im trapped in my own 'groundhog day'. im distanced these last few weeks, dont remember much, just floating about, harming every few days. after my last app i went and got drunk, then got stoned and had some very profound thoughts on leaving my doc and therapy-i had this magnificant idea i could look after myself or die trying, but the aim of the game was to keep everyone far far away and out cos it was better. i really felt it, i stuck to it, i didnt communicate with either of my doc or therapist until my next cousnellor app-were i felt bad, was talked into keeping going, but pissed off at that but felt selfish as my counsellor is trying hard. but its empty. so were trying once again to get my GP to listen. i wrote a letter-but in bullets, listing clearly what the problem is.but in truth im dreading it yet im anxious for it to come-dnt know why. i want to know, incase theres a small tiny tiny chance she understood-but im actually afraid to go because i know the mess i turn into if she rejects me and doesnt listen.and honestly im not up for a 4th GP either.i worry, its so stupid but i can feel it coming on, i worry that if she rejects me i have no means of getting alchohol alone or getting stoned-but i realise its stupid, but in times like that i cannot resist the temptation to just block it all, or sometimes its like a destructive thing i compulsivley must do. kinda like a child trashing the place when things go wrong-only im secret, im not telling her i do stupid things when our app's go crap .any suggestions on how to get them to understand. jtbadbug-i get what u mean about crying, i just about managed to pass a few tears last time, i felt it so intense but on the outside i was blank,she softened a bit, but i cant cry really-nor do i really want to, but sometimes my counsellor says u need to open wide up for someone to look in and see-but i cant even manage that when im pushing it.xox Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RosieLee Posted September 3, 2007 Report Share Posted September 3, 2007 Hi PC,my name is Rosie and I am 19 years old too. God please believe me when I say it will get better. I used to think their was no hope and I used to just sleep and starve myself because I felt so sick all the time - I used to do this for days on end and as a result I got so scared before my GCSES that I took an od teh day before but in doing that it destroyed a part of me that I probably wont get back. i worked so hard at school and was predicted A's and B's but then I realised that it just wasn't meant to be.I have done art therapy and yes it was crappy at first but I swear to god i have never suffered so much as I did at that time but by the time the course was finishing I was getting better. I kept going to my GP though asking what was wrong with my joints and muscles because the pain was crippling me and it turns out that after five years of going for tests and appointments I have M.E and fibromyalgia. If you honestly believe there is something wrong dont give up but if somewhere deep inside you you think you may have a psychosomatic problem hold your hands up and say that you have a problem because either way you need help with it. Just because it MAY not be physical doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt. I will admit to you that I also have a psychosomatic problems too and guess who is helping me with that - My GP! LOLLike you I used to be in a daze I tried to stay on at sixth form but I was so ill with depression that I dropped out, but I swear to god if I ever get better enough i will get to university...but I decided to make my case public I decided to show people what I was going through with my photography and despite it all I had a large exhibition at 18 - this was a real achievement for me and I am really proud of what I did. This illness is so hard to cope with but you can do it... take care ok.wmn_070407_rosie_harrison.pdf Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pucca_chick Posted September 3, 2007 Author Report Share Posted September 3, 2007 Hi PC,my name is Rosie and I am 19 years old too. God please believe me when I say it will get better. I used to think their was no hope and I used to just sleep and starve myself because I felt so sick all the time - I used to do this for days on end and as a result I got so scared before my GCSES that I took an od teh day before but in doing that it destroyed a part of me that I probably wont get back. i worked so hard at school and was predicted A's and B's but then I realised that it just wasn't meant to be.I have done art therapy and yes it was crappy at first but I swear to god i have never suffered so much as I did at that time but by the time the course was finishing I was getting better. I kept going to my GP though asking what was wrong with my joints and muscles because the pain was crippling me and it turns out that after five years of going for tests and appointments I have M.E and fibromyalgia. If you honestly believe there is something wrong dont give up but if somewhere deep inside you you think you may have a psychosomatic problem hold your hands up and say that you have a problem because either way you need help with it. Just because it MAY not be physical doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt. I will admit to you that I also have a psychosomatic problems too and guess who is helping me with that - My GP! LOLLike you I used to be in a daze I tried to stay on at sixth form but I was so ill with depression that I dropped out, but I swear to god if I ever get better enough i will get to university...but I decided to make my case public I decided to show people what I was going through with my photography and despite it all I had a large exhibition at 18 - this was a real achievement for me and I am really proud of what I did. This illness is so hard to cope with but you can do it... take care ok.wmn_070407_rosie_harrison.pdfhey rosie-i read ther article-its really inspiring! i did art too, nothing great i just like to draw sometimes, but these days cant find the energy to focus.see rosie my main problem is-no one actually belives me. i know myself that the pains i get, they are phsyically real-but have no phsyical cause past not sleeping right, not eating right and i twitch and jerk and tense a lot too so i get tension aches-but everything else-like the headaches, upset stomachs and all-its a symptom of my head, i feel it and can be so nauseaus-but there is nothing physically produceing this.its not the phsyical side of things that gets to me so much-its the emotional-every one stopped beliveing that one too-apart from my counsellor. its just i have this horrible problem of opening up-i want to, but its like being rendered speechless, i lose the words and what i want to say is scattered in my head-i just cant make sense but try and piece together a very poor picture of what its like-and they just dont get it.its why ive written my doc as she knows i commuinicate betetr on paper-but its hard, i say one thing then arrive for an app and i have this aitomatic mask on, i feel nothing then-im just a robot.its so hard when no one understands, im trying my best in therapy-im nearing the end of my sessions, its been so long and ive been pushing every exercise ive been given and even doing my own for her, ive been to every single session which she says is very very rare, and ive even been to a few emergency ones. but nothing has changed and my counsellor now thinks i need a boost-i dont even have meds anymore. i think it seems more hopeless because no1 listens, i feel trapped in a glass bubble and no1 is listening. ive been trying with proffessionals for so long-but the best they came up with was 'emotionally disturbed'-which i have no clue what it means other than what is the obvious-my emotions are disturbed-it took 3 psychs to figure that out!thanks for your help, i really like your art im also sorry to read what happened to you-i cant imagine, its amazing so much at only 19!xox Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RosieLee Posted September 3, 2007 Report Share Posted September 3, 2007 Its a really hard one to deal with but stress can cause so much physical pain and there is no test to detect someones level of paina nd that is the piss off you cant make them understand because they cant feel it. like you I jerked a lot and twitched but since I have gotten better mentally for a while it has stopped. I ache like crap still though and you know what there is no test for what I have it is a process of illimination for some things.If you believe there is something wrong keep going to your GP because it might do you good even if there is nothing wrong because for whatever reason you need convincing that you are ok... I am the same and I am not ashamed of it anymore. It might mean that I piss my doctor off for 10 minutes here and there but they get paid enough! Hi PC,my name is Rosie and I am 19 years old too. God please believe me when I say it will get better. I used to think their was no hope and I used to just sleep and starve myself because I felt so sick all the time - I used to do this for days on end and as a result I got so scared before my GCSES that I took an od teh day before but in doing that it destroyed a part of me that I probably wont get back. i worked so hard at school and was predicted A's and B's but then I realised that it just wasn't meant to be.I have done art therapy and yes it was crappy at first but I swear to god i have never suffered so much as I did at that time but by the time the course was finishing I was getting better. I kept going to my GP though asking what was wrong with my joints and muscles because the pain was crippling me and it turns out that after five years of going for tests and appointments I have M.E and fibromyalgia. If you honestly believe there is something wrong dont give up but if somewhere deep inside you you think you may have a psychosomatic problem hold your hands up and say that you have a problem because either way you need help with it. Just because it MAY not be physical doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt. I will admit to you that I also have a psychosomatic problems too and guess who is helping me with that - My GP! LOLLike you I used to be in a daze I tried to stay on at sixth form but I was so ill with depression that I dropped out, but I swear to god if I ever get better enough i will get to university...but I decided to make my case public I decided to show people what I was going through with my photography and despite it all I had a large exhibition at 18 - this was a real achievement for me and I am really proud of what I did. This illness is so hard to cope with but you can do it... take care ok.wmn_070407_rosie_harrison.pdfhey rosie-i read ther article-its really inspiring! i did art too, nothing great i just like to draw sometimes, but these days cant find the energy to focus.see rosie my main problem is-no one actually belives me. i know myself that the pains i get, they are phsyically real-but have no phsyical cause past not sleeping right, not eating right and i twitch and jerk and tense a lot too so i get tension aches-but everything else-like the headaches, upset stomachs and all-its a symptom of my head, i feel it and can be so nauseaus-but there is nothing physically produceing this.its not the phsyical side of things that gets to me so much-its the emotional-every one stopped beliveing that one too-apart from my counsellor. its just i have this horrible problem of opening up-i want to, but its like being rendered speechless, i lose the words and what i want to say is scattered in my head-i just cant make sense but try and piece together a very poor picture of what its like-and they just dont get it.its why ive written my doc as she knows i commuinicate betetr on paper-but its hard, i say one thing then arrive for an app and i have this aitomatic mask on, i feel nothing then-im just a robot.its so hard when no one understands, im trying my best in therapy-im nearing the end of my sessions, its been so long and ive been pushing every exercise ive been given and even doing my own for her, ive been to every single session which she says is very very rare, and ive even been to a few emergency ones. but nothing has changed and my counsellor now thinks i need a boost-i dont even have meds anymore. i think it seems more hopeless because no1 listens, i feel trapped in a glass bubble and no1 is listening. ive been trying with proffessionals for so long-but the best they came up with was 'emotionally disturbed'-which i have no clue what it means other than what is the obvious-my emotions are disturbed-it took 3 psychs to figure that out!thanks for your help, i really like your art im also sorry to read what happened to you-i cant imagine, its amazing so much at only 19!xox Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pucca_chick Posted September 3, 2007 Author Report Share Posted September 3, 2007 yep, that is a problem-they will never get it, emotional or physical because they can never follow ur thoughts, feel their intensity and understand or feel the dull aching from jerking or just general crap. when described to them its just words, or notes on their list of symptoms, it may sound so small but they dont realise its with me everyday, i carry it, and its wave after wave and it wears me down.i know there is something wrong. sometimes i try to convince myself im fine, in the hope thatll make it fine and my head will just get on with it-but its like a weight, i can run and kid myself with it for so far but eventually its gonna cave on me. i find that feeling, because when i have convinced myself im ok, im not, i end up lying on toilet floors, in a drunken stoned stupor, vomiting and near coallpase-and i feel so hurt because im trying but thers no way out, im a mess and no1 can hear it, i feel so alone then.thanks for letting me know im not the only one having to push, i feel like a moron pestering my GP every few weeks-but then i think-i cant make it alone anymore, im not capable of it anymore because i opened up, and with it can a whole tidal wave of crap.thanks, Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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