Meds, Hypomania And Other Stuff

[Silkworm]

Wasn't sure where to post this, but thought this was the most relevant spot. So much going on...I'm stressed, anxious, agitated ~ feel like a bumble bee in a bottle.

I've posted before about depression, won't dwell on that. What's a problem at the moment is tweaking meds, which is causing some mild hypomania. It's happened before, shoulda seen it coming(didn't expect it at a relatively low dose of an anti-depressant)..but there it is. I asked doc about reducing my lithium because I'm sick of being a zombie...she agreed. So have reduced it from 900 to 675 mg as of a month ago. I've been slowly getting more amotivated and indifferent so thought that increasing my anti-dep. would be the go. Don't want to increase Lithium again if I can avoid it, so rang doc to run it by her. She didn't phone back so I thought I would give it a go and discuss at next appt. A week later and I'm getting a bit too happy ~ I've just spent the whole evening chatting online which is not like me at all. Online and around people I've suddenly become quite good at witticisms and being funny (again, not like me at all!). I'm fidgety and pacing and I'm pissed off at the world and I have a frigging job interview tomorrow! The first job I apply for in 3 months and I get an interview I'm more than a bit freaked.

Added to this, the vocational rehab. provider who I'm with has introduced a new policy where it's required that I must attend a face-to-face meeting every 2 weeks, must complete an activity schedule every fortnight and if I'm not well, must provide a medical certificate ( now if only that Dr would call back!). If I don't do these things my income support payments (ie./ my only source of income) may stop. This is thanks to new legislation set down by our wondrous Howard government. All of these things will be null and void if I get a job. No pressure o'course This is democracy in action right? Not

So, have dropped the anti-depressant back to regular dose (as of last night) and am thinking I should ring the mental health clinic again for an earlier appt. But if I do that, then of course I will be attention-seeking right?

Jeez...passive aggressive post of the year! I'm going to post it anyway. I'm feeling more than a bit frustrated with the health system, with my head, with my life. I'll get some sleep ( thank god I'm still sleeping alright) and do some relaxation exercises in the morning before the interview.

Any ideas on how to approach the doc? I want to get my meds sorted out so badly. Meds that a.) work and b.) don't zombify me ~ am I expecting too much?

[Silkworm]

hmm, no responses. Perhaps I put it in the wrong forum. If anyone reads this, I went to the interview and I don't have high hopes of getting the job. It was a pretty average interview...not really good, nor really bad. Might have something to do with me having a bad case of the fuckits.

I'll stop now, talking to myself is kinda humiliating

[Lily-Bee]

Sorry to hear that about your interview!

I did read your post and I think other people did too, I just didnt know what to answer............

Lilly

[Silkworm]

Thanks Lilly...still bites that I haven't had any replies. You're a mod, it's your job to reply (still appreciated though). I wondered if it's because I'm not offering others enough support? If that's the case, could someone please tell me...because I really don't get it.

To top it all off I went to Nanna's funeral today and thought I was going to lose it. The tears finally came and I really struggled with stopping. Seeing all the rel's I haven't seen in years was too much ~ going to the wake and trying to answer the inevitable questions about what I'm doing with my life was more than I could bear. I'm a loser, and they know it already, so I shouldn't have been bothered. But I was bothered, and a panic attack at the wake wasn't gonna happen. Now my mother will be quietly disappointed in me for not going to the wake...story of my life.

I came close to driving into a tree on the way home. I feel desperate and completely and utterly tired of living.

[tripper]

Silkworm I wish I could give you a hug right now, I really think you need a long warm one (hopefully you can imagine a complete stranger giving you one right now). I know it is no consolation though...

I did read your post but I wasn't sure what to reply. A lot of the time I read posts multiple times and never know what to reply to half of them or I am too embarrassed to. Sometimes I need Dutch courage to even keep going but that is another story entirely.

Please don't think you're not offering others enough support, you are, hell you have offered me support when I have been at my lowest which I truly appreciate. Please remember you are worth living (even if you don't think so, god I sound like my therapist- he'd be proud) and be kind to yourself.

[tripper]

Please let us know how you go with the job interview too. I am interested to know.

[Silkworm]

Tripper..thankyou, I really appreciate the hug. I don't know what the hell is going on with my head at the moment...if it's mood disorder stuff or borderline blues. Whatever it is (probably both) it's driving me bonkers. Also think that my life has reached rock-bottom and I can't quite reconcile the capable person I used to be, to the person I now see in the mirror. Hope isn't living here much anymore...I really can't see a better future for myself. I drag myself around, because I have to keep trying, but it feels meaningless.

I want so much to re-capture even just a small smidgen of hope...hope that I can have some kind of normal, happy life. Feel valued, contributing something, stability, love, friends. I'm just having a lot of difficulty believing that it's possible. I've no suicidal plans, but if I knew it wouldn't hurt anyone (which it will) I would seriously consider it. I've never been at such a low ebb before...always worked, always able to support myself. Being so dependent on income support, struggling to get and keep work...it's just knocked the stuffing out of me.

Ok, pity party over. I know that all of us here are struggling...I'm not the lone ranger in this. Just feels that way sometimes I guess. I'm sorry to read that you are struggling too Tripper...hope that you can work things out with your husband.

Thanks again for your kindness, it really helps to know that I'm heard and someone understands,

Sw

PS./ The interview went so-so. Not confident in being successful with this job. Recently applied for another job at seek.com.au which turned out to be a scam! A regular customer service job advert, for a well-known Aust. company...but it was a phishing scam. Just got the confirmation from the legit. company now (was really suspicious when the job was offered to me without interview. Not to mention the grammatically inept email I received with promises of extreme earnings for little work). Really shocked they had they audacity to scam on a huge website like Seek.

[Lily-Bee]

I can understand things must feel hopeless right now.

I think sometimes in the depts of our worst times is when we learn huge lessons. You might not see it now but you´ll come of this again and then maybe you´ll find you have learned some things and then the next time you feel so low and down you might know better how to deal with it.

This is what my therapist told me, when you have BPD your moods constantly go up and down like a cycle but each time youre in the down cycle you learn more about how to deal with it, so slowly over time the downcycles become more manageble.

So there is hope my dear.

Are there things right now that make you feel better? I hope you can focus on the things that make it all a bit easier.

And I hope you can remember that this will pass.

Lilly

[Silkworm]

All through my twenties I was convinced I would beat this, that with enough work/therapy/reflection I would get on top of my problems. But I've lost that impetus, because things have gotten worse, not better. I've long had times where my mood would shift and I always coped with it back then, on my own. It didn't incapacitate me, it didn't stop me from living. But now, it's quite different. This makes me wonder ~ what is going on? Is it organic (mood disorder), is it just that I've reached a point where the house-of-cards is tumbling down and I coming face-to-face with all the parts of me I don't like? (rhetorical question...don't expect any answers).

Therapy would be good...but being on income support, the only therapy I'm eligible for is short-term, solution-focused therapy once a fortnight. Which is helping, but it's a band-aid at worst, support at best. It seems a reflection of the common belief in public mental services...there is nothing that will treat bpd in any lasting way(personality disorders being pervasive and stable). Just teach better coping skills. That makes me feel like a piece of driftwood....just another person who is broken and washed up.

I will keep doing the stuff that gives me a little joy. About the only thing I look forward to daily is my walks on the beach. I do other stuff to keep me distracted usually...this week kinda overwhelmed my ability to cope. You're right Lily, it does pass...I don't feel like such a raw wound this morning. Sleep has put my lids(boundaries) back in place to a degree. Thanks for your thoughts,

Sw

Ps./ Re: my whining about no responses is painful to read this morning. An unreasonable expectation on a public message board, but seemed crucial that I write that at the time. Was feeling particularly vulnerable I guess, sorry people.

[tripper]

There's no need to feel sorry hun, we all feel vulnerable sometimes and it can be very distressing when people don't reply to your posts and you so desperately need someone too.

[arwentheelfqueen]

I'm sorry Silkworm for your distress. The funny thing about life is that we never know where the path will take us. I think we can have hope in the thought that there will be a bend in the road and something wondrous is just around the corner. Or if not wondrous, then just something worth struggling for. When I'm distressed it helps me to feel grateful for what I have. Maybe you can feel grateful that you have income support and are not homeless. That's what I generally feel grateful for when I'm down about not working and being dependent. It helps me to think about the gifts that I have in my life, like a stable home and food.

Keep us posted.

arwen

[Silkworm]

Thanks Tripper, sorry I missed replying to your post. I rarely talk to anyone about this stuff; sometimes the damn bursts and I feel that overwhelming desire to be heard. Really should be looking at more ways to connect to people irl. Have just joined a support group for survivors, for that reason. I've been a couple of times so far and like it...it's good to be around others who understand this stuff.

Hi Arwen,

Not sure about hope for something wondrous...hope for a simple,happy life feels better. Being grateful can be a good thing, sure. It helps me a lot to keep abreast of the news and remember that there are people in developing countries who's lives are a day-to-day struggle to survive. I'm lucky to live in a country where there is some degree of support for the ill/disabled/vulnerable. The thing that bothers me most is the ignorance and marginalization that happens in my own country, toward anyone who is disenfranchised in some way (mental illness/low income/indigenous, etc). As much as I am grateful, it's all relative.

A stable place to live, well yes, in a fashion. I rent, in a private rental market that is going crazy. It's forecast that up to 35% of tenants here will be paying more than 30% of their income in rent by 2010 (which I am already paying + a whole lot more). And food...yes, I manage to eat reasonably ok on a meager budget, because I enjoy cooking and can be quite resourceful. I eat meat only a couple of times a week, eat the cheaper cuts, and use a lot of pulses in my cooking. It is possible to eat healthy with little money, but it can be quite disheartening (but survivable) when I can't afford to splurge on the occasional bottle of wine, or eating out very often.

I really want to get a job, soon. Working again would go a long way toward boosting my confidence about getting back into life in other ways.

Sw

[rebeccaborderline]

Sorry Silkworm, I hadnt seen this post before this morning. Sad to hear that things are pretty rough at the mo, but actually you sound like youre thinking quite clearly; the desire for a job is a positive thing, and yes Im pretty sure it will improve your outlook, as well as your financial situation.

Perhaps youre suffering from what Im suffering from today, frustration and a bit of hopelessness at the painfully slow pace of change and improvements in your life. You say over the years things have become worse not better, but I dont get that impression, you seem to be insightful about your illness and to be coping with it well on the whole.

You have to keep hanging on to the fact that this phase is temporary; you will get a job, things will start to look up, even if just little things like being able to afford to treat yourself to a meal out. I know it feels like our expectations are so low, have shrunk, due to this frigging illness, but I know how bad I used to be, and trust me, things could be a whole lot worse. In these patches where everything seems grey and such a struggle, its a cliche, but we have to remember what theyre not-im not in hosp, Im not a crazy loony running the streets, Im a responsible caring adult who is doing their best in a difficult world.

Things will look up, I promise you. This uncertainty about your meds won't be helping, perhaps you need to think what you expect from your meds eg I have decided that I would rather cope on meds that allow me to feel something, even if this means I still have bad days, rather than meds that totally suppress me, taking away the pain but also removing pleasure. Then you just have to find the ones that do this! lol

Good luck, keep posting if you need to

rebeccaborderline

[arwentheelfqueen]

Hi Silkworm,

Well, I don't know what I was thinking when I said something wondrous might be around the corner. I guess I was thinking of how my husband and I were nearly destitute, paying more than we were earning so I could go to therapy and to pay hospital bills, for so many years and then when I didn't expect it he got a good job offer and I got into grad school (which pays a small salary too) and now we are in Canada where we don't have to pay out of pocket for good therapy. So we are no longer destitute, and this happened quite suddenly without expectations. Of course then I developed a severe neurological disorder and have been in a lot of agony for the last year...But I guess I was just saying that maybe your dream job is just around the corner. I know how hard it is to be financially deprived; I felt that way my whole life until we moved here. Just keep trying to survive day by day. As I posted in another post, there is always hope. Even in extreme circumstances, Anne Frank had hope and wrote about when she would get out of hiding and when the war would end. She kept her hope through the most dire of circumstances. Despite what happened, she still maintained her hope and for some people in hiding they did escape.

I guess this isn't very helpful, but I'm just trying to offer support.

arwen

[Silkworm]

Hi Rebecca,

Trying to remember hope, it's still very difficult to find it. I remember posting to someone here not so long ago that hope always returns. Need to take my own advice...although at the moment, hope feels like something for everyone else. I'm beginning to think this is more about a chemical mood shift ( ie./ depression after hypomania). Phoned today to make an appt to see doc earlier, but no appts available. So just gotta wait for 10 days to get meds looked at. The medication merry-go-round , have been on meds for 5 yrs now. Without them, severe depression returns with a vengeance, so I don't have the option of seeing how I go without them. When my depression is treated, the other stuff is much more manageable.

Hi Arwen,

Depression and hope are uncommon bedfellows. So as much as I would prefer to count my blessings, don't feel able to right now.

Sorry to hear you've had a rough time of things...good to read that life has taken a turn for the better for you.

Thanks much, u both

Sw

[Lily-Bee]

Let us know how you go with the appontment? Ya meds might be the answer...........

I hope in the meantime you can find ways to make things easier on yourself.

Lilly

[Silkworm]

Thanks Lilly, shall try

[blue_au]

Therapy would be good...but being on income support, the only therapy I'm eligible for is short-term, solution-focused therapy once a fortnight. Which is helping, but it's a band-aid at worst, support at best.

heya Silkworm

I'm an Aussie too ( in Vic)..and on income support as well. I got around the shitty community psych services by finding a private psych and using the rebate scheme through medicare.

It costs me 180 dollars out of pocket per session that I pay directly to him in cash, and he gives me back the two reciepts on the day, which means when I go to medicare, (at first) I got back about 130 of that back - on the same day. As I wasnt going to be out of pocket for more than a few hours..I used my rent money to cover it. So it cost about 45 a week at first which was difficult but doable with a bit of managing.

Now, almost a year on, I only pay a pittance, getting back over 170 of the 180 under the medicare 500 dollar safety net program, as Ive been going long enough to have paid over that ammount. So I pay less than 10 dollars a week for a full private consultive service.

This kind of almost bulk bill service comes under the new laws governing psych services that came into affect nationwide in Oz about a year ago. You might want to call medicare for clarification.

All I needed was a referal from my doctor - and I had to find a psych to take me on before I could get that. It was actually my psych who suggested the medicare rebate method on my first visit. I must have rung a hundred numbers but I finally found the guy I am with and he's a gem. It was worth persisiting...I had reached the end of my line..by miles.

Anyway..I hope some of that might help...and I hope you find the support you need..I know how hard it can be..I was shuffled from service to another, and one pathetic self interested 'counselor' to another for almost two years and ended up with a complete breakdown.....finding the psych I am with now was like finding an island in the ocean, and Ive not looked back....one on one therapy has worked for me when everything else failed.

@}-->--

blue

[Silkworm]

Thanks Blue...really encouraging to hear that you have found a psych. at last. Is it a psychiatrist or psychologist that you are seeing?

I was seeing a psychologist for 12 months with the medicare rebates (once a month). Was paying the gap...which I just can't afford. Was sharing the house I'm in, but not now and the rent is more than I should be paying on income support. There really isn't much left when bills are paid. Also didn't ever feel comfortable with that psychologist...without a rapport, there really isn't much point.

I've learned recently (yesterday) from some members of a survivor's support group I go to, of some psychologist's who will bulk bill. Also learned of a GP who is very experienced in mental health, so will be exploring those options in the next week or so. Would dearly love to find an alternative to the mental health service. The survivor's group have been wonderful , it's so good to go somewhere where people just 'get' it. They understand, from bitter experience (much like your experience) how difficult it is to find decent treatment. They understand the loneliness, the despair, the lack of hope. Finding such people to be around is a real blessing. They listened to me yesterday, offered heartfelt support and also helped me keep things in perspective. Never thought I would experience that in my non-cyber life...it's really sat me on my butt and got me thinking about stuff.

I have a bit more hope today...that things can improve. Hope it hangs around awhile.

Sw

[Lily-Bee]

Thats sounds really good, I am glad you found that group!

Lilly

[blue_au]

I see a psychiatrist who does psychotherapy....a lot of the counselors I'd seen prior to finding him were psychologists and they were just not helping..just confusing me more.

i think i needed more than what a psychologist could provide... time to sort out what was/is pathology what was/is just psychology for one.

I go to a bpd group down here too..its been slow but good..theres nothing that beats being around folks you dont have to explain everything to.

wishing you the best

blue

[Silkworm]

Sounds like you've found a good'un ~ worth pounding the pavement to find a doc like that. I live in a regional area, not many shrinks. This area is classified as an 'area of need' by the health dept in terms of the Dr shortages. Will probably have to travel to Sydney eventually to find a good pdoc. In the meantime, a good psychologist would be great..see how I go.

time to sort out what was/is pathology what was/is just psychology for one.

underconstumble...hope it's going well.

Thanks Blue,

tc,

Sw