kazzapants Posted January 18, 2005 Report Share Posted January 18, 2005 has anyone else struggled to get their heads around this? I still can't convince mself i deserve the "help" I'm getting -and my shrinks attitude does nothing but compound this. In the great scheme of things does it matter if i survive or not? i go round and round and come to the same conclusion - what benefit is it to anyone that i survive? what difference does it make if i die? we all die, if it is my right to treatment why do they always wait until you've been arrested and charged to do anything? sometimes i think the money spent in mental health hospitals would be better spent on housing - the treatment doesn't work, or they don't bother tryng, which inevitably leaves your ability to earn a living greatly affected - so give us a small flat in a block full of other BP's and leave us to it. But eventually we would evolve our own healthcare system - because it is necessary. how do you tell your shrink he is a fucking idiot who hasn't the first clue how you feel or that every single time i leave the office i want to stab every fucker in there - starting with him. i hate those people in the fracture clinic, with their tangible pain, their support from employers because they can't walk for a period of time. The lack of distrust - oh look at that cast - you poor thing. Not for them the "but your not dead are you - look your fine - just get up and do something, just go to bed and sleep it off, have you got your period? everyone feels like this, you're not going through anything the whole world hasn't felt. Not for them a refusal to disclose a diagnosis - they don't get stigmatised when they point at their knee and say "ouch" Do people become psychiatrists because there is less risk of infection from patient to doctor? they seem very comfortable in their chairs, in the little room he sits and hides in all the time, he looks at me like i've recently been removed from his shoe, he doesn't seem to understand that the sacrifices you have to make to ease the pain are massive - If i let me feelings breathe, they suffocate me, so i keep them locked up, where they will kill me eventually - but it will take a bit more time. I can understand the connection with ~PTSD, i am constantly recovering from 1 type of stress situation, only to be broadsided by the next one - and just when i was feeling good! my shrink says i am hampered by an unusually high intellect - but i know he is wrong. I am hampered by my borderline personality. My emotion regulation disorder, my complete inability to maintain any emotion for a period of more than a few hours, the rage that consumes me and the compulsions and impulses that will kill me. Hampered by him, the man who told me that "threatening sucide won't get you treated any quicker" after i confessed that i am constantly thinking about everything all the time "do we need milk or shall i throw myself under that bus? i spend so much time in my head i have the converstations now. I never talk about how i feel, from the moment i know when my appointment is i play the session over and over in my head - i say the words, he replies and asks questions, i reply, i hate him but i reply. next my gp -again over and over and over and over with my girlfriend i converse for hours in my head because it is easier than smashing the barrier i put up between us. crossing the street chanting the mantra "just keep walking just keep walking just keep walking just keep walking STOP" i don't stop - i have to keep talking to myself, listening to what replies i get to work out how the world fits into this fucked up framework i've given it. I just need time, time to stop and work it all out, after every single interaction i need time to process - BP's have a fucked up operating system, and we can't run the usual programmes without having to make manual adjustments constantly - constantly updating the world, chopping and changing to make it fit. i know how things shoudl be but i can't make them so, i can just talk and listen - to myself and to whomever else pops in, talk through with myself keep talking it through keep going it will fit into place then sometimes it gets too crowded in their - when everyone is jostling for position a girl,can't hear herself talk. I now work in a call centre, mainly dealing with older customers - i cannot handle their pain sometimes. They just want someone to talk to because their husband died and now they are all alone - i cannot keep up the same numbers of calls as everyone else because i cannot just say goodbye i am too affected by what they are going through, so i talk to them for 30 minutes, until the panic that i am taking to long overwhelmes the pain of her suffering and i have to go to the toilets and try to recover - but i can;t i'm too full of it now. So now im at work, going psycho because a strangers husband died. I'm too affected by everything, the lack of clearly defined procedures.how hard is it? Which way is the right way to do it? do it that way then. Why do I fly into a rage because no one knows the answer to my question - I'm trying so hard to blend in with the crowd, be unnoticed. I don't even know why i'm telling you all this. I really don't. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kazzapants Posted January 18, 2005 Author Report Share Posted January 18, 2005 is there a "remove Topic" button? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trace Posted January 18, 2005 Report Share Posted January 18, 2005 is there a "remove Topic" button? <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Hi Kazz I read your post and feel the pain you must be experiencing now...I once thought that I wasnt worth anything...that I didnt deserve treatment because I just wasnt bad enought or suffered enought...life intended you here ...I believe that today from the bottom of my heart....why?? I dont know....I can relate 100% to your post but can stay that in the last 2 yrs of me actively seeking help life is getting easier...it is possible believe me to have a standard of life that you can cope with...the intellect is such a block in our recoveries...to much thinking and not enough feeling....I was once told to share my thoughts wiht the rest of my body more....took me ages to work that one out.....the voices in my head are quiter now..but for me I had to quit booze for that to happen in my life story....there are days when I just cant bear the thought of climbing that cliff anymore..but I remember little sayings on those days..like just rest on a ledge for a while then carry on climbing when you can....whatever you are feeling like today is ok.....its not nice but its ok....your ok.....that part of you that wants to live typed your post...just remember to concentrate on that part of you today...and stay safe ...I hope some of this may help you...maybe not but I just wanted to hug you and say its OK it will be OK Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Betsy Posted January 18, 2005 Report Share Posted January 18, 2005 No remove topic... there is an edit button which you can use for 1 hour after you post. I don't think you should remove or edit this post. A lot of people can identify with some or all of what you are going through. I'm sorry it's so hard for you right now. bets Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kazzapants Posted January 18, 2005 Author Report Share Posted January 18, 2005 maybe not but I just wanted to hug you and say its OK it will be OK <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trace Posted January 18, 2005 Report Share Posted January 18, 2005 I am nuts 24/7..I have just got used to it Have a great day Kazz Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kazzapants Posted January 18, 2005 Author Report Share Posted January 18, 2005 god these forum things are brilliant aren't they?? I've given myself a headache with all that "sharing" though! Phew!! I'm doing Sheperd pie for dinner if any one fancies any........on the table at 7pm - don't blame me if it;s all gone when you sit down at 10 past!! All the best to everyone...............anyone else feel like a naughty teenager sneaking on the web when your mums not looking? I'm 26 and live in my own house, but I always feel guilty after being online - i sometimes think its the come down from all the interaction/anticipation and expectation you go through - what if no one replies? oh a reply!! I've gone into a cold sweat just thinking about it!! I'll go and wash it off with the spuds. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostsoul Posted January 18, 2005 Report Share Posted January 18, 2005 Kazzapants Well. I would just like to say that people have always told me that my intellect fucks me over. Especially since being diagnosed with BPD. My Dad thinks it is almost directly borne out of thinking too much, seeing all angles, confusing and overwhelming yourself with thoughts, ideas, options, value judgements, until you can't cope with being in your head anymore. With every thought, you are given an emotion about it etc etc; it gets too heavy to cope with. This is my number one time to dissociate - when i just can't take in any more stimuli because it becomes physically and emotionally too distressing to comprehend what your brain is experiencing. But about this whole subject of intelligence screwing you up, there are of course different types of intelligence; emotional, reasoning, spacial, amongst others (think there are eight). For me it is probably correct to state that one type of my intelligence is more profoundly stupid than the rest - ie, the emotional part. And not stupid as in actually thick, but stupid in the sense that it sods me up a lot of the time by acting inappropriately. All the other types of intelligence are likely laughing at it, going, come one man, just grow up and get over it. And the emotional intelligence isn't liking this treatment at all and is sitting in the corner all dejected and wibbly. It might even be crying one minute, and then angry the next, incredibly put out that the other types of intelligence can be so cruel and it is now that it gets up and comes out of the corner with its fists raised. They give it so much to process and deal with. They are never quiet. There is never a day off. It gets so confused. It doesn't know how to cope so it acts up to let off some steam, but then this makes the other types of intelligence act even more hateful of it, and it has to suffer even more derision and contempt. I could go on with this analogy but hopefully you get the idea. You might be very clever in many ways, but emotionally, a BPD person can, as in my case, fall down in that area. And people expect such great things of you because outwardly you seem very competant, but they forget that emotional intelligence can be very decisive in how successful you are in all aspects of your life; they forget that emotional processes are a form of intelligence. I would be interested to know if your psych thinks this way or if he meant something completely different. ?? There have been some articles floating around in the BPD section that suggest that early psychotrauma (under age 18) can actually permanently change the structure of the brain so that chemistry is wrong and thinking becomes inherantly flawed. On this basis, we are not being difficult on purpose, we do not need benefits cos we are lazy and won't try, we are not failing to get better because we don't want to, we are still a mess because our brains need significant overhauls, and this is a long and difficult process. So hell yeah, we deserve treatment! Regarding what you said about visible pain - I totally agree. But there isn't much we can do about that besides wait it out - time and research and education will better this situation, but i don't think we can say there is no understanding out there - some of it may be misguided and inaccurate, yes, but there are people out there who take it seriously for what it is. I know it is frustrating when the person who is supposed to be helping you does not seem to understand us very well at all. But to be honest, i am sure most if them do the best they can, and it must be very difficult if not impossible for a non-bpd to get into our heads. It would be like me imagining what it is like being Aspergers. You just can't. So i think you need to cut some slack somewhere along the line. They have chosen a caring profession. They do what they can. They too are only human and have faults and limitations. Nobody ever said that therapists are super human. It is our desperation to feel better that puts them on this pedestal, because we need to believe they can help us. Anyway. I have gone on long enough. I prolly didn't help at all but hey i tried to relate! Hugs and welcome to bpd world, lost xx ag, i'll regret posting this later i can tell. sounded all lectury when i know nothing. hope u feel better soon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lauren Posted January 18, 2005 Report Share Posted January 18, 2005 Hey kazz, Your cracking me up in a good way. Your energy is infectious. You know its a proven fact that a lot of people with bpd have a higher than average intellect. I used to wish that had a below average IQ,so that I could be happy working in a shite job. Be happy working to pay the bills and to fund nights out in the pub with friends or with the boyfriend who ignores you when the football is on. But mostly so that I didnt have to think so damn much. But really it is a gift and we just have to figure out how to use it to its full. And yes dinner sounds great seeing as how im on a diet of two bowls of rice crispys a day lol. L xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
verbena Posted January 18, 2005 Report Share Posted January 18, 2005 I could read you guys all day if I didn't have a job. You are smart and funny and interesting. XX Ann Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyMacbeth Posted January 18, 2005 Report Share Posted January 18, 2005 I think I need a lobotomy. Just think of the money I would save if could get a new brain. Has anyone seen the movie "Young Frankenstein" when Igor accidently gives the doctor the rotten brain that reads "abnormal" instead if the good brain. Well thats my brain. I am so sick of thinking and thinking and thinking its driving mad. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
verbena Posted January 18, 2005 Report Share Posted January 18, 2005 I think I need a lobotomy. I think I need a drink. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyMacbeth Posted January 18, 2005 Report Share Posted January 18, 2005 Ver, already beat you to the second one. Thought I needed to feel kinda nice to greet my mother. :blink: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
darkangelwitch666 Posted January 18, 2005 Report Share Posted January 18, 2005 Wow, you sure you not the other part of me, Kazz!? No, really it must tool alot for you to post that!. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lauren Posted January 18, 2005 Report Share Posted January 18, 2005 It allways amazes me when members manage to be so open and honest in such a well worded way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
verbena Posted January 18, 2005 Report Share Posted January 18, 2005 LM, be careful, don't go overboard. I was asked to give the speech at my parents 40th wedding anniversary, and I drank a couple quick ones before I went up. I was so close to the edge of not being able to speak with out laughing. I did fine, but it could have been so bad. Be careful. Now, as far as do we deserve treatment? I don't know why we wouldn't, but for some reason, I feel personally that I do not deserve treatment. I feel (and I like to blame it on the therapist) as though I don't belong there, as though others have a much harder life than I do. Traffic fatalities, tsunamis, sickness, inprisonment, so many people have such harder circumstances than I. But the thing is, I'm not complaining about my life. I'm not upset because I want a nicer car or better job, or prettier face. I'm not even asking for health for myself or my family. Everything is almost perfect. Everything you can put your hands on is almost perfect. It is pain inside. That I don't know why it comes or from where. Fix that. I do deserve to be treated for it, even if it is transient and hard to contain. It's somebody's job to help me with that. Gimme that guy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyMacbeth Posted January 19, 2005 Report Share Posted January 19, 2005 Verbena, I agree with you on that! I get so angry at myself for not being able to cope when there are people suffering from natural diasters, poverty, illness, starvation, war, etc...I have the ability to improve my life. However, I think that we deserve treatment and I want the treatment. Fortunately I had two wonderful therapists that have helped me in so many ways. Unfortunately being school therapists I could not continue to see them. But, I need to find someone just as good and stick with it. I want to recover and get better because I do not want an unhappy life. I also want to help people in the same situation as us. Give people a chance! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
verbena Posted January 19, 2005 Report Share Posted January 19, 2005 LM, You are helping people in the same situation as us right now. You are precious to this site. XX Ann Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kazzapants Posted January 19, 2005 Author Report Share Posted January 19, 2005 I'm so glad I found this place!!.........I'd quite like to move in if there are any spare beds?? I've just had such a rush reading all the replies......I find it quite surreal that the most excruciating emotional trips, when shared with others really do just give you another angle from which to hold your hands up and laugh out loud at life! Are there chat rooms here? I'll have a browse. Big snogs all XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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