lostsoul Posted January 19, 2005 Report Share Posted January 19, 2005 a friend came over tonight and we talked for hours. i realised that not everyone comes from ashley park with its security gates and purple roads, with its snobbery and money money money ethos, with its separitist attitudes and expensive cars, with its petty rules and higher class conduct. i realised that not everyone wants to, not in a theoretical way but a real hit you in the face, this makes so much sense, way. i finally understand that i take life far too seriously and that this would explain why i am a self-harming suicide ideating fear machine. there is another word for it: anal, and also, self-shaming, beyond all reason or justification. i now appreciate that i can be accepted as a decent human being by people without fulfilling all the things on my list. it is a list i inherited as a child, a list that was given to me. i didn't make it. i don't want it. i'm burning the bloody list. people dont think about me what i think about me. people dont hate me, ridicule me, loathe me, and wish i was prettier, funnier, smarter, more capable. they won't think less of me because i am on benefits. mike wont leave me because im on benefits. in fact he thinks it would be a step up. he wants to sort it so i can get them to pay for half the rent. this could not really be any more left field for me. i am so spun out by all this. i am so in some other alternate universe to be realising any of this stuff. i dont know what this means in terms of my future, but it feels meaningful and poignant and in all the right ways. and this is not being realised in a manic moment either which gives it so much more credence. the times i have felt as though i deserve to be homeless, to be laughed at and abused in all kinds of ways, the times i have looked at myself in the mirror and felt so deeply that i do not deserve to be in this skin, that i so fundamentally dont belong, the times i have sat and rocked myself while i cry my soul out, so bloody empty but still filled with hate and loathing and regret and every bad emotion and thought that you could ever conjure. and it was all so unjustified. every cut, such a terrible act to commit against my own person. there is a long way to go, but i feel that this has been a real mark of progress. i am so glad for the people in my life, who are believing in me, because they are quite literally saving me, and that is just the most amazing gift that another person can give you. it is just so precious. i am so blessed. ^_^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyMacbeth Posted January 19, 2005 Report Share Posted January 19, 2005 Good I am glad you are thinking that way cause its true! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostsoul Posted January 19, 2005 Author Report Share Posted January 19, 2005 ty lady ^_^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flowergirl Posted January 19, 2005 Report Share Posted January 19, 2005 You deserve everything that your heart desires, that makes you complete, you are a very special, wonderful and unique individual and its about time you realised so. You are loved for the beautiful person that you are inside, for the person that we all know. I'm glad you can see that you are "accepted". Its about time you loved yourself, because we all love you. Flowergirl x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kraaken Posted January 19, 2005 Report Share Posted January 19, 2005 Dear lostsoul, I am inspired by your posting, thank you. It's good to hear something going right, and hearing that there are friends about who care very much. K Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Betsy Posted January 19, 2005 Report Share Posted January 19, 2005 Lost are you now going to become foundsoul? just kidding. It is great to read your post... don't forget to include all of us in the ppl that believe in you! (((((((((((((((((foundsoul)))))))))))))))))))))))) bets Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lauren Posted January 19, 2005 Report Share Posted January 19, 2005 Hey, That was good to read. Particually after you have been having such a hard time of it lately. Some of the best people I know either work in crapy jobs or are on benefits. They are not stupid or poorly educated. I can also tell you now I would keep one of them over ten of the 'im better than you' because I have a degree and earn 30k plus a year' lot. Money really can not buy you happiness. But who you are inside and who cares about you does. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
calyps Posted January 19, 2005 Report Share Posted January 19, 2005 Maybe it should be 'Lost and Found Soul'?! Cheers Lost, this was a wonderful post to read before I go to work this morning. Still I plead with you to not feel bad about being on benefits, the number of people who deliberetly work the system...the fact that it is in place to help those who need it...the fact that you still contribute to society...I know where you are coming from having had my own spell of govt paid for incapacity. You are not alone in feeling this way, many pensioners end up being the last surviving member of their household and still pay full council tax, because their pride gets in the way of applying for help. How much money does our govt spend on crap each and every day? Here's a thought...at my local council they have a chaffeur-driven Rolls Royce for the Mayor, at a cost of £70,000 a year. Shouldn't the Mayor, as our town representative, be promoting Public Transport by taking the Bus? Lost I urge you to sort out your Benefits so you are getting what you deserve- if you are already receiving them the hard slog is over and it should be a simple change in circumstances. If you can't face doing it yourself ring them up and tell them you give Mike permission to deal with it. Go to your CAB and ask them. Don't let life make you suffer any more than you are already. Anwen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostsoul Posted January 19, 2005 Author Report Share Posted January 19, 2005 *may trigger*............................................. Jeez i feel like crying as i write this but i mustn't do that cos I have a client coming in an hour and that would look great wouldn't it, puffy eyes... I just want to say that it is amazing how you can think you know something, for years maybe, maybe all your life, but some part of your mind keeps it from really penetrating your understanding, your accepting part. So you think you know, but you don't quite. You read about freud's ideas of internalising your parent's roles and characteristics and so on, you learn about self-parenting when you leave home being based on what you have been shown by your actual parents. But when you are beating yourself up you do not admit that you are doing it because your mother did it to you. You put yourself under the same microscope, watching for every flaw and fuck up and failure. You chastise yourself for every little waver of character. Your morality and ethics are up there with Ghandi's. You are so careful not to put a foot wrong, but when you inevitably do, you are swamped by an avalanche of shame, self-hatred, loathing, guilt and so on, but still, you do not understand why you do this. When you try to change who you are with to make them the perfect partner, instead of accepting their flaws and loving them anyway, when you analyse your friendships and think, they are not good enough for me, when you do a piece of work and it isn't by Shakespeare, you fly into a frenzy, when you are crticised even mildly or jokingly, this is enough to cause weeks of depression and self harm, when someone compliments you and it feels so alien and you conclude they must be lying, when you look in the mirror, and hate what you see, when you scratch and slap and hit your face or bash your head against the wall..... all of it, every last thing, is because of HER. And one day, you realise. You have to. You have to accept it because it is the only truth to be found. And then the feeling settles a little, and you begin to feel quite sick and tearful, because the person you have spent your life trying to look up to and love and respect, suddenly becomes something monstrous, and you wonder where the two of you can possibly go from here... :mellow: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyMacbeth Posted January 19, 2005 Report Share Posted January 19, 2005 Wow, your words hold so much truth behind them! It sounds just like me and what I am going through. Its like you have just written down my exact thoughts. We need to figure out how to change this thought process. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trace Posted January 19, 2005 Report Share Posted January 19, 2005 I liked your post...for me I think thats just where I am at..understanding that I hadnt understood if that makes sense that all my self rejection was an internal process still being carried on by me where my mum left off...I knew that might be happening but its only recently that I got it at the deepest part of me...I was at work this morning..I work in a supermarket p/t and today I enjoy it...but it gives me time to think alot..not always a good thing ..but I had/have episodes of likeing myself then I would switch to hating myself again...mood swings.. then I got it..I saw how I would never know what mood my mum would be in and how she was going to love or not love me on any given moment..so I had shut of my feelings and just decided to hate myself anyway as it saved the pain of feeling my mums love changing into judgementle love ..so I'd just gain the upper hand and hate me 24/7....feeling that at a core level freed me from the trap of up and down so much....its amazing how deep we are all scarred...I am only just begining to unravel the mess that is my life....thanks for you post I understood totally :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostsoul Posted January 19, 2005 Author Report Share Posted January 19, 2005 *may trigger******************************* (((trace)))) i totally understand that - it is an internalisation plus one. you crave stability with that relationship but they won't give it to you, so you have to change instead to gain some self-protection. it is a strategy. how much better it would have been though if we had chosen to love ourselves 24/7 instead of hate ourselves 24/7? But then that would require someone to show us that we were worth loving in the first place i guess thats why it didnt happen that way. in my case i dont think (though i am not sure of this) that my mother didn't love me, she was just a lot of other things around that basic principle. i think she doesn't really know how to love, because I think true love for your children and for others is a lot more unconditional than she would have it be. We always had to prove our love to her. But we never asked her to prove her love to us. And as it turns out I think our love for her was much less unconditional and accepting than hers was of us, and if anyone had justification to ask anyone to prove anything, it would be us asking it of her, because the way she behaved was so outrageous; accusatory, prying, paranoid, hateful, critical, belittling, scathing, manipulative, forceful, two-faced, depressing, hypochondriac, negative, moany, rule for herself and a rule for everyone else making, unreasonable, shaming, pressurising, impossible to please, angry, shouting, pushy, expectant, up herself, ego inflated, stressed out B***H. wow it felt good to get that out. i think this is a big reason why i have not 'realised' all this stuff before. i have been so caught up in playing her game. burying the resentment and hurt and anger and tears, directing them at myself, in order to maintain this unconditional, all accepting, flaws no problem, love for her. because in reality, playing her game was the only way i could get on with her. bury my own needs and desires and feelings and thoughts and opinions, so that i didn't get shit all the time. and you know, i still got shit, so how does that work??!! anyway. i hear where you are coming from trace. did your mother have BPD? i am very sure mine had it, and very badly too. she was unforunately a****d, all ways possible. this is also a factor in why i have buried my feelings, because I know she had lots of issues and problems and ultimately they led her to be mentally ill. I just wish she had been able to be more self-critical and self-perceptive. but no, it was always someone else's fault. and boy, did she make us pay for that. so anyway trace, i am sending hugs your way. ((((Lady)))) (Hope you are having a great birthday!) Another one with mother issues! I am glad the post made sense to you. Im sure this is very typical of many BPD backgrounds. I agree we have to unravel this mess. I believe that we can at least partially, but who knows how far each individual can go? We will just have to keep travelling the road and accepting help from others as we go, and then,maybe just maybe, if we try ever so hard, we will be whole again, one day.. Hugs to you too lady, lost (and partially found) xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trace Posted January 19, 2005 Report Share Posted January 19, 2005 Wow Lost...you described my mum to a tee...did you know her?? ...I am not sure whether my mum was BDP or not...she was my adoptive mum and I know now had a lot of issues...but how was I to know that as a small child???yeah I feel ******* angry right now thinking about it..afraid to admit it before because I see that as self pity......another form of self hate I expect ..not allowing ourselves to feel what we feel....I'd never looked at it before that I loved her uncondiitionally and she didnt....good point.....I dont have any contact with her now...she wanted it totally on her terms and when I stopped drinking2 yrs ago I told her that I would not be able to phone her everyday and wouldnt get up to see her every wkend...she must have thought about that and decided it wasn't what she wanted...according to her if she had adopted another daughter this other daughter would have loved her .....GGrrrr I wish I could open my head and let all that anger out!!..geezz I am having a manic day today I think..talking fast and feeling alien from my body....not because of your post by the way...I dont want to lay in bed tonght being paranoid that you may think your post upset me in anyway...see it is a bad day for me ...thanks anys for letting me vent Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostsoul Posted January 19, 2005 Author Report Share Posted January 19, 2005 Trace. You were not to know as a small child that she had issues, nor were you beholden to compensate in any way for the fact she did. I think it is really ok to feel ******* angry at her. And regarding what she said about adopting a different daughter, well, that is just straight avoidance of responsibility and an unwillingness to admit it was her that sodded things up. You can't go anywhere with that kind of attitude. But I have to say, it all sounds rather familiar. It is never their fault, they are never wrong. It is always your sod up. Please feel free to vent anytime. I am glad we have found some common ground here. take care hugs lost xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ginny Posted January 19, 2005 Report Share Posted January 19, 2005 Only just got on-line - I have been in bed... well - I AM in Australia!!!! Lost - you give me hope - what a wonderful, magical feeling all this must have been. You really ARE one of the most intelligent people I have ever known...... I am SO pleased that your beautiful mind led you to this... "I once was lost but now I am found" Forever in awe - Ginny :bigarmhug[1]: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostsoul Posted January 19, 2005 Author Report Share Posted January 19, 2005 Ginny Please stop talking about my BOOBS!!!! It WAS wonderful and magical. Hee Hee. Please dont be in awe. It makes me feel awekward! aha, ahahahahahaaaaa! love you huggles lost xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ginny Posted January 19, 2005 Report Share Posted January 19, 2005 But I love them SOOOOOO much dont wanna make you AWEkward though..... So how about this ? he he he he he he Ginny :hug2: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostsoul Posted January 19, 2005 Author Report Share Posted January 19, 2005 I was more awekwardised (hey check out my new word lol radical!) by the compliment look what u've done to me I wont be coming out until you insult me! hahahaha! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ginny Posted January 19, 2005 Report Share Posted January 19, 2005 okey dokey - farty, pooey, boobless , smelly, disgusting, errrmmmm.............. Nah, cant do it - you're gorgeous... Ginny :wub: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostsoul Posted January 19, 2005 Author Report Share Posted January 19, 2005 ah, you tried you were on to something with farty though, you could expand on that cabbage :bum: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ginny Posted January 19, 2005 Report Share Posted January 19, 2005 Now that is something you should talk to my b/f about..... eggs hahahahahahahaha Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostsoul Posted January 19, 2005 Author Report Share Posted January 19, 2005 ooops i just laughed really loudly (more like a guffaw) and disturbed mike (he is watching a really uncheery film called end of days. why dont people make nice films anymore?) :lol: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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