"acceptance" .... Apparantly I Need To Do It ...

[brassed2bits]

I have been seeing my psych team for a while now, and have got the Borderline diagnosis, with all that goes along with that.

Spent hours and hours trying to make sense of all sorts of things, and it seems to be coming down to this one big word .. Acceptance.

Not sure if this is just psych cop out language for "we don't really know what to say or do, but 'acceptance' seems a good idea", or if it really is a life changing state of mind, and a cure all.

If it is the latter, how do you do it? Has anyone here truly 'accepted' something? How did you know you had, and what, if any difference did it make?

Is it just a cop out word, or is it really achievable?

[Vorpalblade]

Acceptance is achievable but it's damned hard work. You can't take it on half-heartedly.

When acceptance was first mentioned to me i was like WTF, as if, never yada yada, but

I have reached the point in my journey that I realise i have to accept in order to move

on, and I have/am wokring very hard on this, and I am now actually reaping the benefits,

life is getting better. All the "issues" that i have had messing with my head for 25 years

are getting lesser and lesser.

You need to decide if you want to fight this, if you have any resistance then you wont

have any success. If it isnt time for you right now, then that's ok, reassess the situation

in a few months time.

Good luck

x

[Todash]

To me, to accept something, means to find contentment with it. To accept the fact that I will never have a close relationship with my mom means I need to find contentment with the relationship we do have.

I have found, ironically, that once I have accepted something for what it is, it changes into what I desired.

To me it is a mind set. I struggle everyday with it, but it does bring some peace to my demons when I do truly surrender to acceptance.

Don't know if that helps, that is just my feelings/opinions on it.

[moontrees]

It brings to mind the AA serenity prayer:

God (whoever that is!?!!) grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change

Courage to change the things I can

And the wisdom to know the difference

But then I did a google and came up with this:

God, give me the strength to change what I can,

the patience to accept what I cannot,

and the calm, sane disposition I need to avoid ripping the heads off people who say mindlessly offensive things when I'm around

So take whichever you prefer!

moon x

[Lily-Bee]

Thats hard one youre struggling with, isnt it!!

To asnwer your questions, How do you do it, well I think you give it a bit of time and you try to think about why you find it hard to accept, work through what is stopping you from accepting. Talk about it lots with people.

Yes I have truly accepted something, I have truly accepted that I have BPD, that I have issue´s. that I do not always and can´t always function like regular folk. What it has brought me is that I am calmer, that I stopped struggling to be normal but instead started finding ways to live as balanced as possible with my issue´s. And that now in my own way I can be happy. Don´t have a job, still have issue´s but have found ways of dealing and I accept thats me and so I can be happy with what life I do have.

I think its really achievable.

Maybe you could start by accepting that you are having trouble accepting. Thats a good start. Whenever, whereever you can find acceptance, it always helps.

Lilly

[ramfan007]

I have come to accept my illness, but its been a hard thng to do, you have to accept that it has its bad and good points and that it is just part of you. Once you can do that you can I believe finally start to be at peace with yourself, not everyday because thats part of the illness, but it makes my good days better and my bad days not quite as bad. For me knowledge is power and having the knowlwdge of my illess has given me the power to live with it, start to control it and hopefully one day beat it.

((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))

Ram

[arwentheelfqueen]

For me acceptance has come with a lot of fighting and resistance and failure. I couldn't believe that I was sick and kept moving to different cities to try to escape it, hoping that a new city would mean a new me. Eventually I realized I couldn't outrun mental illness. I also struggled to stay in school despite being very sick and quit after six years. Eventually enough was enough and I just had to accept reality. And then when I got sick after starting school again I got suicidal and cut myself a lot, because I couldn't believe all the suffering I had to go through and that my dreams were unattainable. But eventually I grew to adapt and to accept the suffering. So for me acceptance came after losing battles with fighting my illness and after a lot of denial. It's been a long road. For me, acceptance comes when I give up fighting and give up being frustrated with life.

arwen

[InnerPeace]

Yes...read Setting Your Heart On Fire by Raphael Cushnir. Worked for me anyway.

[Marchmadness]

Well this is a really personal one. I have accepted the diagnosis that I have been given. It was really hard

to accept it. I had to do a lot of reading to accept it, and seeing myself in what I was reading was a real eye

opener. I think it is easier for me to accept the fact that I have BPD, and Bipolar, then to accept the fact that

the abuse was not my fault. It takes work, but something that can be achieved. Hey what is the saying

anything that is worth while is worth the hard work.

Marchmadness

[Ryan77]

I have a real hard time with the acceptance thing too, but my therapist has also suggested it. The one thing that I have learned that has helped me personally is to remember that acceptance does not mean that you approve of it. Like with me I was abused as a kid so I have a hard time accepting that but my therapist keeps saying you can still disapprove of what happened and also accept it. It's like saying OK this happened, and I hate that it happened, but it did, and it's time to move on. Ha ha, never knew I listened to my therapist so much! She's a very smart lady though! I hope that helps you a little though. Good luck!

[brassed2bits]

Thanks so much for all your replies ... makes me feel like the journey I am on is being travelled by loads of other people too.

Can I ask ... with acceptance, it would be easy for me to 'say' .. yes, OK I accept .... " I accept that I was abused", or "I accept that I will never have that relationship that I want", but how do I MEAN IT?

I can say it, and can say it to my therapist, words are kinda easy. But MEANING it, and having the kind of real deep peace inside about these things that I crave ........ How? That doesn't seem to be something I have any control over. Is it just time?

I know this is personal, but any ideas very very welcome.

[Vorpalblade]

to answer... I accept that I was abused, but that doesnt diminish the pain i felt/feel about it. I accept that i was abused but that doesnt mean that i think it is ok that i was abused....it's about getting to a point where it doesnt eat you up..say with period pains..i accept that every month that i get chronic pain in my abdomen, i dont like it, but i dont spend the other 3 weeks of the month letting it eat me up. :)

[blue_au]

When I am able to accept some thing or situation as it is ( life on lifes terms), without resistance or resentment, I find I am freed up inside. A weight lifts, I stop struggling and suffering the suffering, and I find I am able to see what I can do in a particular situation with a lot more clarity than I could when I was struggling with it or stuck 'in it'.

I dont just accept something and automatically 'give up' either...acceptance is usually just the begining for me...not an end in itself. Learning when acceptance is called for or when I am just using it as a cop out has been a more difficult journey....accepting what I can change, as equally difficult as accepting what I cant.

As to knowing how you mean it...

Acceptance is mostly a sensation for me..an awareness I reach. I cant describe it well in words. I know I can say ' I accept' yet demonstrate by my actions that I am not accepting..so its not just about a feeling but the actions too.

Actioning acceptance or making my choice to accept meaningful to me by doing actions that support that decision, is useful for me because it means I dont have to 'like' accepting or the accepting process at all. I can not like it but can still confirm to myself that thats the path I want to take..by what I do.

not sure if that will make sense outside my head...

blue

[arwentheelfqueen]

When I am able to accept some thing or situation as it is ( life on lifes terms), without resistance or resentment, I find I am freed up inside. A weight lifts, I stop struggling and suffering the suffering, and I find I am able to see what I can do in a particular situation with a lot more clarity than I could when I was struggling with it or stuck 'in it'.

I dont just accept something and automatically 'give up' either...acceptance is usually just the begining for me...not an end in itself. Learning when acceptance is called for or when I am just using it as a cop out has been a more difficult journey....accepting what I can change, as equally difficult as accepting what I cant.

I don't know if you were contrasting to my post when you said you don't "give up" but another word for what I call "giving up" is surrendering which has different connotations, so it isn't quite that bad, I think. But I agree with you that once you accept something the struggling ends (or fighting as I called it in my post). It is a learning experience, eh? And you are a lot more peaceful and relieved once you accept something. What exactly do you learn from acceptance, blue?

arwen

[blue_au]

I don't know if you were contrasting to my post when you said you don't "give up" but another word for what I call "giving up" is surrendering which has different connotations, so it isn't quite that bad, I think. But I agree with you that once you accept something the struggling ends (or fighting as I called it in my post). It is a learning experience, eh? And you are a lot more peaceful and relieved once you accept something. What exactly do you learn from acceptance, blue?

arwen

Hi Arwen

Nope, not contrasting..more 'thinking out loud'.

For me there's a difference between giving up and giving in...what your describing, seems to me, to be 'giving in'...a surrender to find peace and strength, as oposed to giving up which to me is almost a kind of fatalism and mayterism.

The main thing I learn from acceptance is that I am not responsible for everything...and in embracing powerlessness over people/places/things, I also learn more about what I am responsible for, how I disempower myself, and how I can re-empower. Importantly, I learn that its ok not to be in control of everything, that I dont need to be.

The most useful thing I've learnt is that when I cant change a thing or place or person..I can change my attitude towards it/them. ..so out of an acceptance of powerlessness, comes a more tangible empowerment...new choices..better options..more realistic paths to follow etc. So in that way acceptance is a catalyst for a kind of freedom 'to' as much as freedom 'from' the stugggle.

Sure is a learning experience..one that takes a new shape and form every time you put it into practice....what about you? What have you learnt from acceptance?

@}-->-

blue

[mort]

(((B2B)))

Acceptance is THE hardest thing I have found to do so far. I am rationally aware that acceptance doesn't mean condoning something just that "this happened, made me what I am and that's the way it is", but I am still finding it hard to find 5 things about myself that I can think of as positive attributes and apparently this would help me to accept myself! I can say "ok I like my hair colour" for instance, however there is still always a "but" tagged on, as in "but it comes out of a bottle!" (A superficial example but hope it makes sense).

I am not there yet but as Bladey said it is worth trying, the small steps I have made towards acceptance have eased the running battle in my head a little. I think if you can accept you as a valuable person AS YOU ARE, it doesn't mean giving in but it might help you to stop fighting (blaming/hating/hurting) yourself and hopefully lead to a less stressful time for you.

Sorry if that doesn't make sense but it's the best way I could explain it.

Wishing you all the strength in this step,

tc

mort x

[arwentheelfqueen]

Hi blue,

I think learning acceptance has taught me that I am powerless, as it did for you, over my life to a certain extent. This has taught me to live in the moment and to savor the good moments. Since I never know what will happen from moment to moment, I really try to make the most out of moments of relative stability. I couldn't do this if I didn't accept that I am powerless over the bad times.

Does this make sense?

arwen

[blue_au]

Does this make sense?

arwen

Sure does, you make very good sense you know!

I too walk with a baseline acceptance of powerless...for me its an awareness that I can only do what I see before me to do..I give my all to it...and the result is ultimately out of my hands.

ty for responding

blue

[Miko]

Hello Brassed

In my opinion not having been through the same things as you but different ones,

Perhaps you are accepting already

As for meaning it I believe you mean it already

Perhaps you can cautiously get the therapists to explore with you what the implications of that are, what that leads to next.

As to 'moving on' a phrase somebody used, I think one never leaves the whole thing behind, one always takes with one what was done. The part of the baggage that is least value to one is having to have the ultimate thing done to put it right. There will be rightings of a kind. Wrongs will still be wrongs. The ultimate rightings won't be possible not to us in this life anyway. Knowing what of it to take through life with you, I think, is important.

[brassed2bits]

Thanks so much everyone for all your replies.

I can see from what you are all saying that 'acceptance' seems to have positive results, and it is great to hear from you all that it is possible.

Need to sit in a dark corner with this, and try to make sense for me!

Thank you all for being so honest and open. It is very much appreciated.