I Am So Obsessed With You I Can't Think

[Todash]

We all have "issues" whether they are right are wrong is not for us to decided. Im here for you and anyone else that needs support. An ear to listen, A heart to love.

[garbles]

We all have "issues" whether they are right are wrong is not for us to decided. Im here for you and anyone else that needs support. An ear to listen, A heart to love.

You sound like a very special person. I could do with a few more like you in my life. xx

[hmmm]

Garbles, I wasn't going to reply to your post because I didn't want to get involved, but now I feel that I should tell you that I have done some incredibly stupid things about 13 years ago when I was obsessed with someone. So I understand and I also know you can stop, you just have to force yourself, but it is hard. :bigarmhug[1]:

[garbles]

Garbles, I wasn't going to reply to your post because I didn't want to get involved, but now I feel that I should tell you that I have done some incredibly stupid things about 13 years ago when I was obsessed with someone. So I understand and I also know you can stop, you just have to force yourself, but it is hard.

Hi hmm, well i am really glad that you felt that you wanted to get involved. Do you feel bad about the things you did now that you have read my thread? or do you feel relieved that you are not the only one? I'm sure that we are not the only one's to have done bad, but are honest about it. I know that what i did was stupid but at the time i could not help myself. I justify myself by saying that i'm very ill, but you know since writing that thread and reading the responses has made me feel very strong. Most were very sympathetic, (not that i am look for sympathy, just understanding) and some were downright outraged. You probably read the replies or you wouldn't have written. It would appear that i have opened up a whole can of worms here, and it has scared the living daylights out of me. Nobody wants to be told they are wrong and they are not acceptable, even on a site for mental health issues. Just seems very strange that some of the reactions were of absolute 'gall' that a human being could do such a thing. But thank you so much, and for the big arm hug. Hope to hear from you again. p.s. after being up all night, unable to sleep for feeling like i am totally worthless and what people must think of me, i managed to cook breakfast for my brilliant family, so what, you might say, but i have not been able to carry out the most miniscule of tasks for an awful long time. I feel much better and much more positive. God i hope it lasts. Bye for now. love xx

[erica67]

Yeah.. ignore that White Healer.. he's a... ???

wait!

That's me!!!

hmm, I say it how it is.. not tiptoe around. People want to get better, not get hugs all the time.... I hope.

Ah and a psuedo intellectual also I see.

We get enough ill informed views, ignorance and stigma from ppl who are not aware of the struggle of mental illness. Ppl in the world outside this site, without it coming from ppl who join this site, why the hell did you join anyway if you think we're all tiptoeing around each other???

I firmly believe there is nothing wrong with you and you get perverse pleasure from having a go at ppl.

Yes ppl want to get better, that's why most of us have various drug treatments and therapies going on in our lives. We come here for some common ground and understanding you idiot.

I'm not scared of ppl like you and certainly wont tiptoe around you.

All we know about you is that you've have thoughts about suicide from the age of 15-44. Would you care to share? What has made you like this? And what help, if any, you have sought? What have you tried?(re suicide)

We're here to help and offer care.

I'd love to know what other sites you're a member of and what venom you spew on those.

Allow me to theorise.

Know what I think? You're just a bitter bitter man and perhaps a mysoginist too as you tend to pick on women.

Bring it on 'Whitehealer'

Erica

X

[garbles]

One possibility is that you are eighter very bored or unhappy with your real life, so you are ignoring problems, making them invisible by trying to fix something that is long history.. you are runing away...

you are maybe bored, but if you are bored than you are too focused on yourself, try to motivate yourself by thinking what you are doing to your children with that kind of behaviour, parent self-centredness is really damaging for kids! or even unhappiness, let it be your motivation, responsibility you have towards your family..

i don't think so that your ex is really any important role in this story, even if he had really damaging role in your life, too many time has passed, I believe you are really escaping from happiness, or facing problems and reality, wanting to hurt him after so many time says that you desperatly want to have more, more, more, you want to dominate even more over everything, it is childish response to some unhappiness or discontent....or escaping from accepting personal boundries, so maybe you have in one way stabile relationship with your loved ones, so you are looking for additional drama, because drama means no personal boundries.. and you can't accept that way, this responsibility..

whatever he has done to you, as you already said, he already payed (??! spelling (() and even if he haven't payed you know probably that there is no really way to make revange etc.. to nobody, especially after so many years... so I believe you are looking for drama!!!!

yes, he hurted you, yes, you haven't deserved it, and probably he haven't payed enough for it, but trying to go back, and continue drama means you are not taking personal responsibility for your suffering, because suffering, even though it is sometimes caused by others, and complitely not our fault, it is our responsibility and all suffering is ours suffering, no revenge will ever make your suffering his, ........

i believe that really noone understand my poor english

Yes, really bored, totally bored, am damaging my kids through my self centeredness and neglect, may as well sign them up for therapy right now. No you are wrong, they are loved, well balanced children, and i would not harm a hair on their head, physically or mentally. Yes my actions are very childish. Have you actually looked up for the symptons of BPD? I didn't think so! And i just love a really good drama, not enough around for my liking. Of course i am responsible for the way i am, nobody has had to twist my arms to do anything, and we all know that revenge on this person is not going to sidetrack my suffering into his open arms. But i need to vent that angst on this person for going through years and years of suffering inflicted by him. He is why i am like this, and my parents, and the person that sexually abused me at the age of 9, but of course what you are saying is that i should just lie down and take it. I did lie down and take it, and look where it got me! So i should not carry on being childish, and make mountains of molehills, but rise up, welcome the world and say 'thankyou' for a wonderful life. My life with my family is a total different entity, they are good, kind people and i love them for it, although they realise that i can't always be in it with them.

[erica67]

I am so obsessed with my ex, but get this 20 years ago! i know, it absolutely ridiculous. Thing is tho' he treated me so bad and we were together for 12 years. I moved on and got married, had 4 children, so wonderful was life. Thing is i could never let go. With this illness, for the last 10 years i have spent all my waking time obsessing how i could get revenge on this lowlife, to the point that it really is not healthy, and really would'nt be for him. I now ignore my life with my hubby and kids, they just get in the way. I even e-mailed him yesterday pretending that i was a hospital and saying that 'he might have HIV'. What am i doing???

The man called 'whitehealer'(A bloody joke in itself) who wrote the reply to your post sounds like a total creep. (I apologise to Mentalhealth-world for being personal about this) but this man's made my blood boil. I do no think he is the kind if person who should be on this site, we all have the right to critisize but he was downright nasty. Please, under no circumstance apologise to him. You are ill and my advice to you is seek all the help you can if you have not already, please. Everyone has a right to help. You say you are ignoring your husband and kids as a result of this obssession, this is just part of your illness and I'm sure it's not as bad as you say.

Garbles you have sympathy, understanding and are totally not judged by 99.9 % of ppl on this site, myself included. It's what this place is for, a place to find understanding and feel safe. Not the ignorant judgement you recieved from the 'charming 'Whitehealer'

Keep posting.

Love

Erica

X

Thank you Erica, you know sometimes everybody thinks bad thoughts about the people that have hurt them in the past. But how many people actually admit they did, and i just put that thought into action. I know i was wrong, i know i am ill. What sane person would do what i did? I am desperately trying to find the help i need, maybe i am trying to make people realise just how DESPERATE i really am. I feel totally and utterly sick. The people on this site that posted their biased views are really not here to help us become a better person. If i had wanted that response i would have told my husband (i think he would have understood better) and put up with his sane recriminations. Thank you for your understanding, it means an awful lot to me in this dark hour. I really didn't expect to be judged for my honesty, even tho it was an evil thing to do. I now feel worse, as tho i shouldn't be walking on the same ground as everyone else. I also know deep down that i shouldn't have to justify my actions but would like to give you some background. I was ignored as a child, sexually abused by parents boss at the age of 9, and knew that i couldn't say anything as they would loose their jobs, then went on at the age of 12 into that relationship for 12 years, where he took perverse pleasure in hurting me, being unfatihfull to the point it was disgusting, humiliating me by passing on sexual transmitted diseases, messing with my head by accusing me of having other relationships, making me feel that he was doing me a favour. He wanted to go back to college, so i financed everything, yes the whole thing. We moved to states together where he managed to get sponsoured, but of course i didnt have a green card so had to do whatever job i could without getting caught. His answer to this - he arranged for me to marry one of his gay friends so that i could get a greencard and help more with the financial side of things. As you may have guessed, he was very money orientated, and everything had to revolve around him. I distinctly remember standing in our apartment when he started lashing out that i didn't have the body that was required in sunny California, and that i should start sorting myself out. I honestly believed i was gross. When in fact i weighed 7.1/2 stone and then became anorexic. Eventually i let him have it, i was not going to marry his friend, if he was not happy with the way i was then i was going to leave, which i did. His parting gift to me, which he had hidden inside my suitcase, was the bedroom accessory he so desired. It wouldn't have been so bad but when i arrived back at Heathrow, the damned thing showed up on the x-ray machine and so they had to check my luggage. Quite funny, but not at the time! Well just a little insight into my background. Thanks for listening Erica, don't want the sympthay vote just a little understanding. It would seem that i have touched a few raw nerves with the other's on this site. Not sure if i will thread any more, can't bear the hurt. love xx

Hey garbles

You're story really hit a nerve with me. I had a charming boyfriend like that, incidentally 20 years ago also. He got in touch with me last year but thankfully I had the strength to ignore him. The stories are so similar. Another horrific thing happened to me at that time which I'll tell you about another time, perhaps I could add you as a friend then we can chat in private without the likes of 'you know who'' pouring poison on it?

keep posting honey and ignore the bitter and ignorant.

Erica

X

[cheesewright]

This thread is amazing the way it's bringing up such strong feelings. I have talked with WH on chat and he seems like a nice guy, but I can't condone the "tough love" attitude that more than one poster has expressed. This place is supposed to be safe. Safe means, to me, that people with mental illnesses can express their desires, fears, behaviors without fear of recrimination or judgment. That's what is so appealing to me about this board.

I think what needs to be remembered by people without mental illness who come on this board is that there is an entire outside world that is perfectly happy to judge us and take action on our behaviors. Perhaps that is appropriate. BPD and its related mental illnesses are explanations for behaviors and not excuses for them. But here, at least, we have a safe haven to ramble on about stuff without fear of getting slapped around. Non-BPD's need to remember that and try to be kind.

Because kindness is where true humanity begins.

[Joshua]

This place is supposed to be safe. Safe means, to me, that people with mental illnesses can express their desires, fears, behaviors without fear of recrimination or judgment. That's what is so appealing to me about this board

.

Although this may be lovely in la la land i dont know if it exists any where. Yes maybe it would be nice if it did but can any of us say we are truly non judgementaL? Maybe we are not vocal about our judgements but i think we all have them....

I like this thread. Also i can agree about the hugs bit, i would hate for this place to become hugs for all. What ever your porblem we will send you a cyber hug.

[cheesewright]

Yes it's true we all judge in one way or another. I think Britney Spears, for instance, is, ahem, somewhat misguided.

But perhaps I might have said it better by saying, "without fear of any recrimination or judgment being expressed in a hurtful way," or something.

I think the more we strive for la la land, the better it gets. We may not achieve it, what with being human beings and all, but it's not impossible to be kind (without being patronizing). I've seen it in group therapy and that's how I see this place.

Edit: As long as I'm keeping with the group therapy analogy, it is true that anger and general not-niceness does indeed come up there. Maybe I'm taking the kindness thing too far.

[White Healer]

I might feel offended by this thread, but it seems to be going in the right direction, even if the anger is taken out on me.

WH

[Joshua]

Lets try not react personally but accept this thread for what it is. A bunch of people trying to help in their own ways, and if the intention is to help surely we must be thankful?

[lucy]

I stalked a therpaist for a few months thats until the police were called, yep i shoudlnt of done it and i new that at the time but to me it made perfect sense, you not on your own garbles. Do you know what you want from him? For me i wanted my T to take me home so i could be a child again. Its hard btu keep talking about it

[Heidi_]

physically or mentally. Yes my actions are very childish. Have you actually looked up for the symptons of BPD? I didn't think so!

anyway, yes, I've had 8/9 simptoms and now I have maybe 2-3 and have stabile relationships and goals, what was 2 years ago really hard to imagine to me.. so... yes, I looked up for the sympotms..

anyway, I know it is hard, but that sarcastic tone you are talking in is actually (sadly) anwser, you should do that..

do you really think that they will give you back what they have taken or that blaming/hurting them will make you better?!

there is no justice in this, but that's like this...

you are stalking your ex probably because you need someone to blame for your borderline and pain, that doesn't mean it isn't his fault, but needing someone to blame means that you choose (in a way) not to be on yourself.. if you could nurture yourself you could hate him completly so he wouldn't be necessary to you..

I am in this really weird therapy where my T says I should have destructive fantasies about everyone, even about you talking to you now, and I should trying to emagine how I hurt you physically etc.. for example, when I am in a big fight with my mother I should emagine killing, punching etc. her... because killing somebody, means you are aware you can go without him, that you and him are separate..

so try thinking about what would you do to him, use all your imagination... maybe you will get that rage out of you and manage to kill him in your head, and then he will not still controling you...

[erica67]

I might feel offended by this thread, but it seems to be going in the right direction, even if the anger is taken out on me.

WH

Hey

Well to be utterly childish Whitehealer, re the direction this thread has been going - you started it!

I think I see the human in you now.

Wanna hug?

((((((((((((((((((((Whitehealer)))))))))))))))))))))

Love

Erica

XXX

[cheesewright]

Heidi, that thinking is so bizarre it can only be Freud.

[mazer34]

Yeah.. ignore that White Healer.. he's a... ???

wait!

That's me!!!

hmm, I say it how it is.. not tiptoe around. People want to get better, not get hugs all the time.... I hope.

I WANT HUGS :rolleyes:

[Miko]

Hi Garbles.

I agree and strongly emphasize that what was reportedly said by Heidi's so-called 'therapist' is extremely wrong, highly damaging and that so-called 'therapist' needs to be struck off immediately and permanently.

Garbles, wrong was done to us years ago. Yes it was done to us and it is sometimes possible to know where those who did it still are. The only things I have found to help me are:

- Logic in regard to sense of time - you and I are now surrounded by people who do us good, or part surrounded, or they tend to do us good, at least more so than used to happen the times we are thinking of.

- Logic in regard to sense of your own rights and wrongs - yes the fact that you made this move demonstrated that you knew those thoughts were the wrong ones for you and sharing the problem was a step towards getting more help.

(The way you phrased it, with hardly any mention of your true perspective on it, Vorpalblade's and White Healer's reactions were good and to the point. We have all got time between our ears and we have got to know how to use it healthily for the good of those around us. It can help other readers, if you had moved beyond the stage of simply being as described, to add a description of your growing perspective on it. Or else to ask questions and state willingness to explore. Those ways, you/I set a good example because you/I can reckon on there always being someone in an even worse twist than you/me about whatever it is.)

- Logic in regard to the practicalities. ((Please see continuation of post below due to minor hitch))

[White Healer]

I am in this really weird therapy where my T says I should have destructive fantasies about everyone, even about you talking to you now, and I should trying to emagine how I hurt you physically etc.. for example, when I am in a big fight with my mother I should emagine killing, punching etc. her... because killing somebody, means you are aware you can go without him, that you and him are separate..

so try thinking about what would you do to him, use all your imagination... maybe you will get that rage out of you and manage to kill him in your head, and then he will not still controling you...

Is this a real form of therepy? You would have to be careful using this technique not to think bad thoughts about somebody sitting in front of you, and then suddenly lose your temper, and hit them.

I think maybe, you should blank somebody inside your head, not kill them.

[Miko]

((continuation of my post 43))

When I can retrieve a really good book title on the subject I'll post the title here, it helped me no end with 'obsessions'.

Now when an old obsession replays, I just yawn and say, what boring wallpaper. That enables me not to get engrossed in it.

It means I don't identify with most of 'my' thoughts, they come from all kinds of cinema characters playing on a screen inside my head.

The other thing is, by re-engrossing your/myself you/I are actually hurting your/myself all over again (the man/person who started it isn't hurting you/me again or any more)

Wishing you good things,

[Miko]

Here's the book title -

Brain Lock: Free Yourself from Obsessive-Compulsive Behavior:

by Dr. Jeffrey M. Schwartz

pubd. Harper Collins, 1997

Very easy, very simple, very powerful book, it has permamnently changed me for the better just from reading once through.

(I need to read it again though)

[Silkworm]

omg Heidi...run far and fast from that therapist! Any therapist that encourages clients to visualize killing or harming another human being is more than a bit deranged. Very, very dangerous to fan the flames of rage, instead of teaching people ways of expressing and diffusing it safely.

Garbles, have you explored your obsession with a (good!) therapist? Sorry if you've already mentioned that somewhere..I've got a memory like swiss cheese I'm not walking in your shoes, so can't fully understand why this is so important for you. I do understand the resentment and bitterness toward people who harmed you. Even 30 yrs later I still feel intense anger at times toward my parents. I just deal with it differently now...I try not to externalize the anger, or project it onto others (don't always succeed mind you, but getting better at it!)

Have you thought about DBT? I'm only exploring DBT recently and it does really help in learning how to sit with feelings, own them, process them, accept them without need for judgment or action.

Hope you can find some strategies that can help you work this through safely,

Best,

Sw

[garbles]

Yeah.. ignore that White Healer.. he's a... ???

wait!

That's me!!!

hmm, I say it how it is.. not tiptoe around. People want to get better, not get hugs all the time.... I hope.

Ah and a psuedo intellectual also I see.

We get enough ill informed views, ignorance and stigma from ppl who are not aware of the struggle of mental illness. Ppl in the world outside this site, without it coming from ppl who join this site, why the hell did you join anyway if you think we're all tiptoeing around each other???

I firmly believe there is nothing wrong with you and you get perverse pleasure from having a go at ppl.

Yes ppl want to get better, that's why most of us have various drug treatments and therapies going on in our lives. We come here for some common ground and understanding you idiot.

I'm not scared of ppl like you and certainly wont tiptoe around you.

All we know about you is that you've have thoughts about suicide from the age of 15-44. Would you care to share? What has made you like this? And what help, if any, you have sought? What have you tried?(re suicide)

We're here to help and offer care.

I'd love to know what other sites you're a member of and what venom you spew on those.

Allow me to theorise.

Know what I think? You're just a bitter bitter man and perhaps a mysoginist too as you tend to pick on women.

Bring it on 'Whitehealer'

Erica

X

YOU GO GIRL! i would love to hear some PM's from you. love xx

[Heidi_]

Heidi, that thinking is so bizarre it can only be Freud.

Actually, it is Kohut, also psychoanalytic theory, but I think mostly missinterpreted, even more than Freud is.. because this about destructive fantasies really works, it isn't aproving violence behaviour, contrary it is trying to establish that "rage constancy" because people are neglecting rage, even hate, towards Other, so it is acumulating in you and then you act out. It is totaly bizarre but if somebody pisses you off, it is total crap that you really, deep inside, don't want to kill him, so this therapy is improving that acting on, right now, and also, as I said, to kill someone, dominate him, means you are aware he is not you, you are aware that who that person is..

don't understand it totaly yet, but I like it.. we all have inside of us good and bad, hate and love, devil and angel, so we also should know there is devil and angel inside of everyone, but we don't, we mostly neglect devil and trying to be good person and don't admit we sometimes just want them to be dead, to disappear from the Earth :D

of course the fantasies aren't supposed to be about killing someone, beating to death is enough

And OF COURSE, after some time and progress, when person achieves that "object constancy" that fantasies shouldn't be present all the time, they become automatic, like talking to someone who is annoying you so you are 100% aware of it and have that rage towards him under control - always aknowledged, the point isn't to hurt people, the point is to be aware how they really affect you, that there is always black and white..

Destructive fantasies are workouts and they should be so visual only when there is really hard relationship, with mother, partner.. etc... d. fantasies are way to express childish narcissism that is hold into person with personality disorder, childish primitive narcissism is repressed wish to complitaly dominate other, so borderline repressed it and can't achieve that dominate phase (domination isn't manipulatiion completly opossite) .. so it is workout to get closer to that other opossite of borderline stage (because borderline is always in stage of victim)

I understand that this bizarre approach isn't atractive, but I think it works.. the bad thing that theories like this are oftenly totaly missunderstood..

sorry for off topic

[gingerwoman]

I am a stalker and I always have been. It's kind of a hobby of mine.

Edited to add. Heidi's therapist is a psycho.