I Am So Obsessed With You I Can't Think

[Heidi_]

Heidi's therapist is a psycho.

don't think so..

[gingerwoman]

Thanks for not getting mad. I'm in a very weird mood. :lol:

[Heidi_]

Thanks for not getting mad. I'm in a very weird mood.

try destructive fantasies.

why would I get mad? I often think he is psycho also, but he is more helpful than any other Before going to bed I have to beat him to death :D he is annoying me right now, with his bizarre and psycho views and theories :D

[garbles]

I am a stalker and I always have been. It's kind of a hobby of mine.

Edited to add. Heidi's therapist is a psycho.

Glad to hear that i am again, not alone. Do you just stalk anybody that you find interesting or that person that has hurt you? Do you carry out any form of revenge or just stalk? I fantasise about hurting all the people who have let me down, or hurt my family, but am still at the fantasy stage. When i say hurting people, i don't mean the ultimate, i just want to make them feel uncomfortable for a while, hence my previous action. I really think that it all stems from such anger, and not being able to control the situation. spk soon.

[Heidi_]

Glad to hear that i am again, not alone. Do you just stalk anybody that you find interesting or that person that has hurt you? Do you carry out any form of revenge or just stalk? I fantasise about hurting all the people who have let me down, or hurt my family, but am still at the fantasy stage. When i say hurting people, i don't mean the ultimate, i just want to make them feel uncomfortable for a while, hence my previous action. I really think that it all stems from such anger, and not being able to control the situation. spk soon.

I think that you are in a good road, you should want to hurt people who hurted/annoyed you. it is natural. The problem is that you cannot dominate them, hurt them, in your head enough, so you become obsessed and wanting to control situation etc. because you can't really HURT them in your head.

Try destructive fantasies, give your imagination no limits, you can't hurt anybody by imagining hurting them.. maybe it will help, imagining whatever scenario possible.. I think it could free you of this obsession 24/7 if you would, at least in fantasy, be in control and dominate them!!!!!!

[garbles]

omg Heidi...run far and fast from that therapist! Any therapist that encourages clients to visualize killing or harming another human being is more than a bit deranged. Very, very dangerous to fan the flames of rage, instead of teaching people ways of expressing and diffusing it safely.

Garbles, have you explored your obsession with a (good!) therapist? Sorry if you've already mentioned that somewhere..I've got a memory like swiss cheese I'm not walking in your shoes, so can't fully understand why this is so important for you. I do understand the resentment and bitterness toward people who harmed you. Even 30 yrs later I still feel intense anger at times toward my parents. I just deal with it differently now...I try not to externalize the anger, or project it onto others (don't always succeed mind you, but getting better at it!)

Have you thought about DBT? I'm only exploring DBT recently and it does really help in learning how to sit with feelings, own them, process them, accept them without need for judgment or action.

Hope you can find some strategies that can help you work this through safely,

Best,

Sw

No i havn't yet, even tho i am lined up for therapy soon, as soon as my cpn can get her arse into gear. She started off saying that i would be referred but now as if she is stalling. So am a bit reluctant to start explaining what is really going on in my head as i know she is not the right person for the job. I know that she thinks she is doing good, but if i hear one more time that 'going for a walk' 'getting a job' 'having a relaxing bath', i think i am going to throw her out of my house! Thing is i know that i don't want to jeapodise this route or they may just wash their hands of me. spk soon

[gingerwoman]

I don't know Heidi this is kind of like that thing where people tell you to write a really nasty letter to the person telling them everything you are feeling.

I always did it and THEN I ALWAYS SENT IT!

I was never satisfied unless I sent it.

I've done that to um...well 4 people in my life now.

And I'm a writer. These were BAD letters.

Then it always made me utterly upset and miserable. It worked you know it made a person I adored who had hurt me and was ignoring me finally pay attention and go all vulnerable and then I'd write them an over-the-top adoring letter to make up for it in my guilt and then they'd be freaked out by that as well and go back to ignoring me.

:lol:

[Heidi_]

...

yes, I know that, I just to do that all the time, that is acting out! It sounds alike, but it is completly different from my destructive fanasies :D.... can't explain really how, but it is oposite, I suppose it d.f. are (when they are properly imagined) when you REALLY ARE in control, and dominating that other (in your mind) and that letters and rage letters you were sending were because of lack of control... huge diffrence.

d.f. - in control

acting out - out of control

acting out makes bpd even worse, and d.f. should get you in that state of being really centre of world so nobody can't really hurt you, because you've achieved that state where they are really nothing, little dots and you are the God..

and really, I mean really important thing about destructive fantasies and all that approach is that you aren't humiliating other person at all, contrary, you are aknowleding his/hers humanity, by seeing them grey... after that normal adult love should be possible and accepting others for who they are

[gingerwoman]

...

yes, I know that, I just to do that all the time, that is acting out! It sounds alike, but it is completly different from my destructive fanasies :D.... can't explain really how, but it is oposite, I suppose it d.f. are (when they are properly imagined) when you REALLY ARE in control, and dominating that other (in your mind) and that letters and rage letters you were sending were because of lack of control... huge diffrence.

d.f. - in control

acting out - out of control

acting out makes bpd even worse, and d.f. should get you in that state of being really centre of world so nobody can't really hurt you, because you've achieved that state where they are really nothing, little dots and you are the God..

and really, I mean really important thing about destructive fantasies and all that approach is that you aren't humiliating other person at all, contrary, you are aknowleding his/hers humanity, by seeing them grey... after that normal adult love should be possible and accepting others for who they are

hmmm I guess I do understand. Maybe it could work.

[gingerwoman]

See I'm not diagnosed BPD and I don't think I have "full blown diagnosable BPD" but... this sending a vicious letter and then an adoring letter to someone you are fixated on it's kind of splitting isn't it?

I've done it just recently too unfortunately and I thought I'd grown out of this kind of sh** at 36 but...no.

[Heidi_]

Hm, I am 21, and I've done this till 1,5 year ago, then I stopped, but continued to done it with my bf (we broke up 3 weeks ago), but finally I stopped that doing with him..it was healthy grown up break up, we are still friends and I thought I will never let him go, but I am so proud how I managed to overcome this like adult .. He is grey to me now.. )

I also know I am not full blown BPD, I would probably never get bpd diagnose if I haven't really had traumatic situation 2 years ago (situation which would drive crazy even normal people etc)..

I think that destructive fantasies could work for you and that vicious letters, acting out.. it is hard, but in my case it is at least 10x better than 1 year ago, so there is hope..

Raging in fantasies, and destroying others in fantasies to me really has sense because what other feeling we are denying than pure rage towards others, and than it hits you back and you write really angry hating letter, and then when that paradox of other being grey becomes too unpleasent you go back to white.. feeling a bit rage all the time should keep us from splitting into all black.. i believe..

When I am annoyed I really try to be aware of that feeling, and sometimes I emagine I am stabing with huge knife that other person, it is really good feeling, releasing that rage...

[cheesewright]

Actually, it is Kohut, also psychoanalytic theory, but I think mostly missinterpreted, even more than Freud is.. because this about destructive fantasies really works, it isn't aproving violence behaviour, contrary it is trying to establish that "rage constancy" because people are neglecting rage, even hate, towards Other, so it is acumulating in you and then you act out. It is totaly bizarre but if somebody pisses you off, it is total crap that you really, deep inside, don't want to kill him, so this therapy is improving that acting on, right now, and also, as I said, to kill someone, dominate him, means you are aware he is not you, you are aware that who that person is..

don't understand it totaly yet, but I like it.. we all have inside of us good and bad, hate and love, devil and angel, so we also should know there is devil and angel inside of everyone, but we don't, we mostly neglect devil and trying to be good person and don't admit we sometimes just want them to be dead, to disappear from the Earth :D

I think the idea about exploring the very real dichotomy we all have inside us for both good and bad is interesting. But I'm not sure encouraging people who already have the innate capacity to rage to rage some more is all that helpful. In other words, while I find this fascinating on an intellectual level, on a therapeutic level I'm not sure it flies. With me, anyway. Glad it's working for you, Heidi. All the best.

[erica67]

I am a stalker and I always have been. It's kind of a hobby of mine.

Edited to add. Heidi's therapist is a psycho.

Hey

Yeh me too. It's a way to pass the time and keeps up the bad press we got from "Fatal Attraction".

What else are you gonna do with that bastard ex but stalk him?

I've had some amazing 'torture him, make him plead for his life and apologose while crying like a baby and kill him slowly and do it so damn cleverly I get away with it' fantasies too.

Even wrote a short story about it.

Well, keeps me off the streets.

Panic not, if I write them down or imagine them it stops me doing them, or does it........ ;)

[erica67]

Yes it's true we all judge in one way or another. I think Britney Spears, for instance, is, ahem, somewhat misguided.

But perhaps I might have said it better by saying, "without fear of any recrimination or judgment being expressed in a hurtful way," or something.

I think the more we strive for la la land, the better it gets. We may not achieve it, what with being human beings and all, but it's not impossible to be kind (without being patronizing). I've seen it in group therapy and that's how I see this place.

Edit: As long as I'm keeping with the group therapy analogy, it is true that anger and general not-niceness does indeed come up there. Maybe I'm taking the kindness thing too far.

Hey

Most of the problems in this world are caused by taking unkindness too far. Yay for kindness! I'm a big fan of it.

Erica

X

[Heidi_]

I think the idea about exploring the very real dichotomy we all have inside us for both good and bad is interesting. But I'm not sure encouraging people who already have the innate capacity to rage to rage some more is all that helpful. In other words, while I find this fascinating on an intellectual level, on a therapeutic level I'm not sure it flies. With me, anyway. Glad it's working for you, Heidi. All the best.

Yes, I mostly agree with you...

But people who have innate capacity to rage are acting out, acumulating that rage inside.. so when there is too much rage they act out of control, feeling constant a bit of rage towards everyone should stop that acting out and splitting..

[garbles]

Well.. what are you doing? How did you get his number?

Seems like you have too much time on your hands, if you can spend all your time thinking like this. You have to stop yourself.

Unfortunately, this behaviour will lose you the sympathy vote. You have become the agressor, where as you used to be the victim. Two wrongs do not make a right.

Do the right thing, and move forward with your life. Find something better to do with your time.

Like what, sit on my backside on this forum, hmmm just like you!

[cheesewright]

I think the idea about exploring the very real dichotomy we all have inside us for both good and bad is interesting. But I'm not sure encouraging people who already have the innate capacity to rage to rage some more is all that helpful. In other words, while I find this fascinating on an intellectual level, on a therapeutic level I'm not sure it flies. With me, anyway. Glad it's working for you, Heidi. All the best.

Yes, I mostly agree with you...

But people who have innate capacity to rage are acting out, acumulating that rage inside.. so when there is too much rage they act out of control, feeling constant a bit of rage towards everyone should stop that acting out and splitting..

I think I get it. So the idea is to make these folks prone to raging rage in a safe environment and "get it out." This is akin to primal scream therapy, I think. John Lennon was all over that in his day.

[Heidi_]

I think I get it. So the idea is to make these folks prone to raging rage in a safe environment and "get it out." This is akin to primal scream therapy, I think. John Lennon was all over that in his day.

It is in a way like scream therapy, but this is just part of that psychoanalyitical theory.. it is interesting, I will see does it completley work.. :)

[garbles]

I think the idea about exploring the very real dichotomy we all have inside us for both good and bad is interesting. But I'm not sure encouraging people who already have the innate capacity to rage to rage some more is all that helpful. In other words, while I find this fascinating on an intellectual level, on a therapeutic level I'm not sure it flies. With me, anyway. Glad it's working for you, Heidi. All the best.

Yes, I mostly agree with you...

But people who have innate capacity to rage are acting out, acumulating that rage inside.. so when there is too much rage they act out of control, feeling constant a bit of rage towards everyone should stop that acting out and splitting..

I think I get it. So the idea is to make these folks prone to raging rage in a safe environment and "get it out." This is akin to primal scream therapy, I think. John Lennon was all over that in his day.

Hi cheesewright, isn't raging and hurting people in their own head's what we did originally, then that rage came out. Encouraging people to do this is dangerous, it maybe just an obsession initially but then to be allowed to take it one step further is way off. But if it works for Heidi, then who am i to argue. Just be thankful that her Therapist is not mine. Take care x

[cheesewright]

Hi cheesewright, isn't raging and hurting people in their own head's what we did originally, then that rage came out. Encouraging people to do this is dangerous, it maybe just an obsession initially but then to be allowed to take it one step further is way off. But if it works for Heidi, then who am i to argue. Just be thankful that her Therapist is not mine. Take care x

I think the idea for this therapy is to rage in a safe environment. I don't think this therapy encourages random killing or death thoughts, but uses those words as metaphors for exorcising, if you will, the demons that haunt you. I believe I understand this in theory. I've never tried it in practice, but if Heidi is from Northern Europe, as I think she may be, then those guys tend to be twenty years ahead of anything being done in the US. So I'm keeping an open mind.

[Heidi_]

but if Heidi is from Northern Europe, as I think she may be, then those guys tend to be twenty years ahead of anything being done in the US. So I'm keeping an open mind.

I'm from Croatia, Middle Europe.. my T is educated in Austria.. Maybe I shouldn't have mentioned it in thread but I didn't think that anyone will take it so seriously and think that my T is encouraging me to kill... It is just method to express rage more, so something that is subconcious can't be expressed in words/thougths but it can in fantasies..

that is cca 5% things my T is encouraging me to do, there is much more important to have empathic approach towards other, and see who they are in this kind of treatment. (I wrote a little about it on thread Self Psychology so you can read it if you are interested)

And it is working for me, even 1 month ago when I am reading old topic about my mother I can see huge improvement today, but I know that don't every therapy works for everyone, and I think that from every therapy there is something usefull...

[Heidi_]

Hi cheesewright, isn't raging and hurting people in their own head's what we did originally, then that rage came out. Encouraging people to do this is dangerous, it maybe just an obsession initially but then to be allowed to take it one step further is way off.

the idea isn't to hurt people, not even in your head.. it is to be aware how you are really reacting to them, when they are annoying you to act on it etc.. If everything turns out okay and you become more stable, mostly you will not have to fantasy about killing anybody, but punching somebody or slapping etc... yes.. and after a while, you feel that rage present all the time so you are aware well, it is messed up to explain

[gingerwoman]

It's a way to pass the time and keeps up the bad press we got from "Fatal Attraction".

You know I was TOTALLY rooting for Alex in that movie.

:D

[lisa c]

I am so obsessed with my ex, but get this 20 years ago! i know, it absolutely ridiculous. Thing is tho' he treated me so bad and we were together for 12 years. I moved on and got married, had 4 children, so wonderful was life. Thing is i could never let go. With this illness, for the last 10 years i have spent all my waking time obsessing how i could get revenge on this lowlife, to the point that it really is not healthy, and really would'nt be for him. I now ignore my life with my hubby and kids, they just get in the way. I even e-mailed him yesterday pretending that i was a hospital and saying that 'he might have HIV'. What am i doing???

Hi Garbles. This has been so interesting, I haven't joined in as yet because I simply didn't know how to respond, I didn't know what I thought about the whole thing. It's been great, actually, because it has taught me a valuable lesson in tolerating abivelence (not even sure of spelling!!) You see, I had a knee jerk immediate response to this, when I first read it and, I'm ashamed to say, at first I sort of landed with the judgemental crew. However, Taking the time to ponder all of this, I am so pleased to say that I 'saw the light'. I have exactly the same feelings as you from time to time, I just never had the guts to admit it to myself, let alone anybody else! Surely that's what the road to recovery is all about - first and foremost being absolutely honest with yourself. I would then say that the next step is (this is for all the judgemental out there) taking the time out to really think about what you are about to say instead of just 'going off on one' and being terribly hurtful and, quite possibly, dangerous in the process. I am obsessional about painting and if I am honest with myself, which, thanks to you, I am now attempting to be, I completely ignore my husband and kids when I'm working, that's no different to what you do, you're obsesssed about a guy, I'm obsessed about slapping paint on a canvass, sometimes at the cost of my family, but I bet you're a good mum in every other way and I'm sure you make it up to your kids when you are able to, I know I do. As for revenge, I don't think you have to be BPD to indulge in that little 'pastime', everybody has vengeful feelings, just look at the way some of the 'powers that be' respond to other countries that threaten them in some way, if that isn't vengeance of a global proportion I don't know what is, we are simply taught to seek revenge from the second we start to watch television! Thanks for this and I really mean that. Take care x

[gingerwoman]

I'm sure you make it up to your kids when you are able to, I know I do

*Sigh* This realates to me too. I was obsessed with this message board and this guy and it was gettingin the way of my life with my husband and kids so I got my husband to use some kind of "Net Nanny" type software to block me so I couldn't access the board. Drove me crazy and I would then beg him to unblock me.

Anyway he never will now so I am free of that board.

Of course it wasn't that simple and when I got him to block me from the board I was still obsessed with the guy so I kept visiting his MySpace way too often but I'm mostly over that now too.

I'm not OCD but it was kind of OCD the way I'd keep checking and rechecking his MySpace. I did that because I liked being second on his top friends list and was paranoid he was going to move me.

In the end I deleted my whole MySpace so I could stop worrying about him moving me.

:wacko: