A Visit To Hell

[erica67]

I've had a period of depression lasting for 9 days now. Some parts of my day are ok and sometimes I get a bit manic but mostly I wish to die and lie on the couch for hours losing time or writing and writing in my diary and cutting myself....diary is covered in blood

How can I do this with 2 children??? why?

I feel so evil and bad and self centred.

I know what hell is and it's this life. I want to pick up the phone and talk to someone but my hands wont make the actions. I feel they don't want to know. Most of my original friends have melted away and if the others know they will stop me.

All I want to do is disappear somewhere with a bottle of vodka and tablets and leave this world before I do any more damage.

Everything means nothing. I derive pleasure from nothing. I'm a fuck up.

I've sent my ex so many text today telling him all the wrongs he done me,driving me mad with his coldness and drug taking until leaving me to rot in hospital, partying and going out with other women and claiming he loved me the whole time. I've called him evil lying drugged up scum and worse and now he is deleting them without reading, the thing I was doing the other day. So now I truly am worthless because someone who claims to love me does not even want to listen to my shite.

Why can't I just be normal and happy?

Maybe it's coming back to me all the wrongs I have done. vengeance

I've lost or fucked up just about everything good in my life, what is left?

I truly believe my life span is over.

I know it looks like i am looking for sympathy and maybe i am. Maybe one word will shake me out of it, some wisdom...but i feel i know.

My ex now hates me and wants me to fuck off and die, is he pyschic?

I have to say that I cut when the children are at school or in bed. I couldn't stand more ppl hating me

[Marchmadness]

Erica -

I can hear how much pain you are in! You have so much anger within you, have

you tried to release that anger in an appropriate way. Not on yourself. Hit something,

scream, go out walking, running burn off the anger. You said you have kids, they are

your reason for not hurting yourself. Look at their picture, remind yourself how lucky

you are to have them, and how lucky they are to have you. Is there someone you can

call, family member maybe and vent to them. If not call the helpline and vent to them.

Do you have a therapist? See if you can get another appointment with her. Keep posting

here, and say what you have to say. Please be safe.

Marchmadness

[erica67]

Erica -

I can hear how much pain you are in! You have so much anger within you, have

you tried to release that anger in an appropriate way. Not on yourself. Hit something,

scream, go out walking, running burn off the anger. You said you have kids, they are

your reason for not hurting yourself. Look at their picture, remind yourself how lucky

you are to have them, and how lucky they are to have you. Is there someone you can

call, family member maybe and vent to them. If not call the helpline and vent to them.

Do you have a therapist? See if you can get another appointment with her. Keep posting

here, and say what you have to say. Please be safe.

Marchmadness

Thank you but who needs a mother like me?

Those poor wee souls. I will mess them up and they will end up like me when they are adults. Poor wee beautiful souls.

Still waiting for cbt & dbt and pychotherapy in january

Thank you

[garbles]

Hey Erica, whats happening? You have really come down bad. Last time i spoke to you, you were more positive. I have also been really down since last Saturday and havn't ventured beyond my room, and feel also that my family would be better off without me. But would they? Me may not be like other mum's, but we brought these babies into this world and it's us that have raised them to the best of our ability. They love us unconditionally, are not judgemental and they are what we have made them. You told me that you are so proud of your boys, and they have grown and become the wonderful people they are because of YOU. Don't let some arse 'ole bring you down to their level, you are better than that. You are just going thru yet another bad day, me too, but i am thinking of you and hope that my hope gets through. Don't concentrate on the bad things you think you have done today, think of the good one's. Like when one of your boys smiled at you, or asked you a question, because they respect you and love you like no other. Be brave honey. Spk soon.

[lisa c]

Erica -

I can hear how much pain you are in! You have so much anger within you, have

you tried to release that anger in an appropriate way. Not on yourself. Hit something,

scream, go out walking, running burn off the anger. You said you have kids, they are

your reason for not hurting yourself. Look at their picture, remind yourself how lucky

you are to have them, and how lucky they are to have you. Is there someone you can

call, family member maybe and vent to them. If not call the helpline and vent to them.

Do you have a therapist? See if you can get another appointment with her. Keep posting

here, and say what you have to say. Please be safe.

Marchmadness

Thank you but who needs a mother like me?

Those poor wee souls. I will mess them up and they will end up like me when they are adults. Poor wee beautiful souls.

Still waiting for cbt & dbt and pychotherapy in january

Thank you

Hey Erica. I don't really know what to say to you, except of course, that you are funny, intelligent and beautiful and I'm so sorry that you have to suffer so much. Is there any way that you could hurry up the treatment, maybe if you go back to your GP and tell them just how bad you are feeling, perhaps they'll be able to push to get into treatment sooner, I don't know but it may be worth a try. Have you tried any mental health advocacy or anthing like that? You know, somebody who'll fight for you when you're not feeling well enough to fight for yourself. You love your kids so much, that is absolutely evident in everything you ever written on here, who else could love them like you? That's worth so much, you know. Did your mother love you like that? Try and take of yourself, this will pass. I know you can't see that at the moment, but it will.

Lisa C x

[erica67]

Hey Erica, whats happening? You have really come down bad. Last time i spoke to you, you were more positive. I have also been really down since last Saturday and havn't ventured beyond my room, and feel also that my family would be better off without me. But would they? Me may not be like other mum's, but we brought these babies into this world and it's us that have raised them to the best of our ability. They love us unconditionally, are not judgemental and they are what we have made them. You told me that you are so proud of your boys, and they have grown and become the wonderful people they are because of YOU. Don't let some arse 'ole bring you down to their level, you are better than that. You are just going thru yet another bad day, me too, but i am thinking of you and hope that my hope gets through. Don't concentrate on the bad things you think you have done today, think of the good one's. Like when one of your boys smiled at you, or asked you a question, because they respect you and love you like no other. Be brave honey. Spk soon.

I dont know, it's like all the fight has left me and I have nothing good about me left. I've spent time on that 'arshole' that I should have spent concentrating on my boys. That makes me bad does it not?

There is so much more to it than him but it all comes out on him, he is the latest to let me down and punish me for being ill. Many abused me before him. He says I hide behind my illness. He hates me and I deserve it.

I thought I'd beaten it and got him out of my system but it comes back and back and back till all I can do is calm myself by cutting away the pain. It's all I have and at least it keeps me away from the vodka and pills.

Today I must try to get him gone but it is near impossible. I wish my doctor would listen to me but she decreased my diazepam and took the codeine away which I was addicted to which was helping and has listened to the psychiatrist who said I was a drug and alcohol addict so has decided to hold off on the mood stabelisers, but I need them I know this. My obssesion has reached a point where it is unbearable and I can't switch off. I've drank in extrem moderation and not touched a single drug for 3 weeks so hopefully my doc will listen and help me. My appointment is on the 9th, it can't come soon enough. I dont want to have to take it in to my own hands because they wont listen.

What else can you do?

I'm terrified and cant go out alone.

Thank you for replying

[erica67]

Erica -

I can hear how much pain you are in! You have so much anger within you, have

you tried to release that anger in an appropriate way. Not on yourself. Hit something,

scream, go out walking, running burn off the anger. You said you have kids, they are

your reason for not hurting yourself. Look at their picture, remind yourself how lucky

you are to have them, and how lucky they are to have you. Is there someone you can

call, family member maybe and vent to them. If not call the helpline and vent to them.

Do you have a therapist? See if you can get another appointment with her. Keep posting

here, and say what you have to say. Please be safe.

Marchmadness

Thank you but who needs a mother like me?

Those poor wee souls. I will mess them up and they will end up like me when they are adults. Poor wee beautiful souls.

Still waiting for cbt & dbt and pychotherapy in january

Thank you

Hey Erica. I don't really know what to say to you, except of course, that you are funny, intelligent and beautiful and I'm so sorry that you have to suffer so much. Is there any way that you could hurry up the treatment, maybe if you go back to your GP and tell them just how bad you are feeling, perhaps they'll be able to push to get into treatment sooner, I don't know but it may be worth a try. Have you tried any mental health advocacy or anthing like that? You know, somebody who'll fight for you when you're not feeling well enough to fight for yourself. You love your kids so much, that is absolutely evident in everything you ever written on here, who else could love them like you? That's worth so much, you know. Did your mother love you like that? Try and take of yourself, this will pass. I know you can't see that at the moment, but it will.

Lisa C x

Thank you

My mother did love me like that and still does, another person I give pain to. My Dad did not.

I've waited 2 months since leaving hospital for an advocate, social work here is shocking, and finally have one taking me to the CAB next friday. No other help was offered and a confusing out of date DLA form still sits waiting to be filled in. I'm so confused I cant make head nor tail of it, and I'm supposed to be intelligent!

I'm going to my doc on the 9th, next tuesday, it cant come soon enough but she just doesn't seem to get it, I think because of a pychiatrist who marked me down as an alcoholic and drug addict because I say I use them sometimes when I'm ill. So my mood stabelisers were taken away and my diazepam decreased which were helping. I have drank in extreme moderation and not touched a drug, despite offers for nearly a month to prove to them and I hope my doctor listens this time or I'm going to have to be childish and ask her if she wants a dead patient on her hands?

So to my children, the supposed light of my life, as I say the poor wee souls, god help them.

They went through hell before I went into hospital and now I'm back out I'm sure they hoped it would be ok. It is sometimes and other times My wee darlings have to see me fall apart. I love them so much.

Infact when I came out of hospital I think everyone just thought," well that's it 6 weeks, fixed." And when I showed signs of still being ill they were so confused and said "I thought you were better"? and now I dont see my old friends much any more they dont call or come round, especially on bad days. I wish I could hate them but maybe they're right?

Should I call my doc or cpn and say I'm going to do somethin stupid if they dont sit up and take notice? I feel I have no choice but to but I cant take the risk of going back to hospital. That's why I see death as the answer, who needs me? the boys have a good father.Then I think I can't when I see their faces.

I'm sorry for going on am so confused I could scream.

I seem to be able to listen to and help other ppl much easier.

Thank you again

[fuzzyfelt]

Erica, I find it easier to listen too, are we avoiding? Anyway what I wanted to say is you are not a bad person, that is the illnesses talking and it's the part of you that is still functioning (however small) that is reaching out for help here, I wish that I could give you help but I know when I feel suicidal sometimes it is a small comfort to know that there are people who are thinking about me (on here mostly) so I'm sending my thoughts and some hugs and hope that by talking on here we can all help you in some small way that may keep the darkness away for a little bit longer, much hugs

[messygirl]

Im really sorry to hear all this erica, we do understand that extent of pain. I understand the frustration with your gp and the whole mental health system - every time I go for 'help' I end up so much worse and realise I was probably better off on my own. Im like you, I feel I have to resort to childlike statements such as the one you said 'do you want a dead patient on your hands'? Sometimes there is no way of getting through to these people, they dont realise just how desperate you are. I dont understand why the shrink has withheld mood stabilisers from you- theyre not addictive are they?? I would have thought only drugs which create euphoria could be considered mentally addictive. Im dependent on alcohol, have the worlds most addictive personality, and my shrink had no problem prescribing them to me!

As for being a bad person/mother, to second fuzzyfelt, you are far, far from it. Ive said this before and I stick by it strongly. Genuinely bad people do not worry or care about the way they are or how they affect others. Good people like you -not just good but exceptional, worry themselves sick that they are a bad person when in fact they are just in tremendous pain and suffering from illness that is beyond their control. I know your thoughts make you feel guilty, but they are just that, thoughts, no one can see them, you are not hurting anyone by having them. Not only that, but you feel bad for even having them! Do you know how many bastards are out there in our society walking around who dont give a shit how they are or who they hurt, and they see nothing wrong with it. They dont even think twice about it. Intelligent, sensitive, insightful people like you suffer so badly cos ALL you can do is think what a terrible person you must be, thus the suffering goes round in circles. You expressed your love for your kids in so many different ways in just one small paragraph. There are people who go through their whole lives not managing as much as what you just said to their own children. Its clear you have suffered yourself through lack of parental affection and god only knows what else, because of that it would be so easy for you to follow that same pattern of behaviour to other people in your life, a bit like how some abused people go on to abuse others. But youre the complete opposite. I bet youre a fantastic mum and your only fallback is the guilt and self hatred which you dont deserve, you should be proud of yourself for the kindness and loving nature you show in adversity where many others fail. Of course I know that you will feel guilty at times because of your illness, but please try to think that instead of thinking how you could be so much better as a mum- you could also easily be much worse- MUCH worse. You seem to have more caring traits as a mum than most people Ive ever known. I really hope you can get through this horrible time, I really do.

I wanted to send you a compliment, and right now I know youre way too low to believe it and stuff, but Ill say it anyway in the hope that when youre a bit brighter again, you might draw upon it! Just wanted to say that you look fantastic (youre 39 I believe)? and you have amazing skin, you look so young for 39. I cant quite explain it but theres just something about your face which is really charismatic and charming. I dunno what it is, its as if your personality shines through via your face, too hard to explain. You look great anyway. I really wish you the best through this horrible time and though its impossible to believe, it will lift again xxxx

[garbles]

Hey Erica, whats happening? You have really come down bad. Last time i spoke to you, you were more positive. I have also been really down since last Saturday and havn't ventured beyond my room, and feel also that my family would be better off without me. But would they? Me may not be like other mum's, but we brought these babies into this world and it's us that have raised them to the best of our ability. They love us unconditionally, are not judgemental and they are what we have made them. You told me that you are so proud of your boys, and they have grown and become the wonderful people they are because of YOU. Don't let some arse 'ole bring you down to their level, you are better than that. You are just going thru yet another bad day, me too, but i am thinking of you and hope that my hope gets through. Don't concentrate on the bad things you think you have done today, think of the good one's. Like when one of your boys smiled at you, or asked you a question, because they respect you and love you like no other. Be brave honey. Spk soon.

I dont know, it's like all the fight has left me and I have nothing good about me left. I've spent time on that 'arshole' that I should have spent concentrating on my boys. That makes me bad does it not?

There is so much more to it than him but it all comes out on him, he is the latest to let me down and punish me for being ill. Many abused me before him. He says I hide behind my illness. He hates me and I deserve it.

Sweetie, there is nothing wrong with thinking that you need something else in your life apart from your wonderful boys. We are human beings, and we all need love and reassurance. But please try and leave this lowlife out of your feelings (easier said than done, i know) but we are putting too much destructive energy into this, instead of concentrating on the things we have with us. I felt the all consuming anger and revengeful thoughts starting to come back yesterday, and i managed to keep them where they belong. Do you know my daughter (aged 16) has given me these tiny dolls that you are supposed to tell all your negative stuff too late at night and put them under your pillow, therefore you have given vent to your feelings, but somebody else now has that problem and they lay under my pillow and probably fester. At least its safe. I hope you have a better day today, as i will be thinking of you, and my heart goes to you. Be safe baby.

I thought I'd beaten it and got him out of my system but it comes back and back and back till all I can do is calm myself by cutting away the pain. It's all I have and at least it keeps me away from the vodka and pills.

Today I must try to get him gone but it is near impossible. I wish my doctor would listen to me but she decreased my diazepam and took the codeine away which I was addicted to which was helping and has listened to the psychiatrist who said I was a drug and alcohol addict so has decided to hold off on the mood stabelisers, but I need them I know this. My obssesion has reached a point where it is unbearable and I can't switch off. I've drank in extrem moderation and not touched a single drug for 3 weeks so hopefully my doc will listen and help me. My appointment is on the 9th, it can't come soon enough. I dont want to have to take it in to my own hands because they wont listen.

What else can you do?

I'm terrified and cant go out alone.

Thank you for replying

[erica67]

Im really sorry to hear all this erica, we do understand that extent of pain. I understand the frustration with your gp and the whole mental health system - every time I go for 'help' I end up so much worse and realise I was probably better off on my own. Im like you, I feel I have to resort to childlike statements such as the one you said 'do you want a dead patient on your hands'? Sometimes there is no way of getting through to these people, they dont realise just how desperate you are. I dont understand why the shrink has withheld mood stabilisers from you- theyre not addictive are they?? I would have thought only drugs which create euphoria could be considered mentally addictive. Im dependent on alcohol, have the worlds most addictive personality, and my shrink had no problem prescribing them to me!

As for being a bad person/mother, to second fuzzyfelt, you are far, far from it. Ive said this before and I stick by it strongly. Genuinely bad people do not worry or care about the way they are or how they affect others. Good people like you -not just good but exceptional, worry themselves sick that they are a bad person when in fact they are just in tremendous pain and suffering from illness that is beyond their control. I know your thoughts make you feel guilty, but they are just that, thoughts, no one can see them, you are not hurting anyone by having them. Not only that, but you feel bad for even having them! Do you know how many bastards are out there in our society walking around who dont give a shit how they are or who they hurt, and they see nothing wrong with it. They dont even think twice about it. Intelligent, sensitive, insightful people like you suffer so badly cos ALL you can do is think what a terrible person you must be, thus the suffering goes round in circles. You expressed your love for your kids in so many different ways in just one small paragraph. There are people who go through their whole lives not managing as much as what you just said to their own children. Its clear you have suffered yourself through lack of parental affection and god only knows what else, because of that it would be so easy for you to follow that same pattern of behaviour to other people in your life, a bit like how some abused people go on to abuse others. But youre the complete opposite. I bet youre a fantastic mum and your only fallback is the guilt and self hatred which you dont deserve, you should be proud of yourself for the kindness and loving nature you show in adversity where many others fail. Of course I know that you will feel guilty at times because of your illness, but please try to think that instead of thinking how you could be so much better as a mum- you could also easily be much worse- MUCH worse. You seem to have more caring traits as a mum than most people Ive ever known. I really hope you can get through this horrible time, I really do.

I wanted to send you a compliment, and right now I know youre way too low to believe it and stuff, but Ill say it anyway in the hope that when youre a bit brighter again, you might draw upon it! Just wanted to say that you look fantastic (youre 39 I believe)? and you have amazing skin, you look so young for 39. I cant quite explain it but theres just something about your face which is really charismatic and charming. I dunno what it is, its as if your personality shines through via your face, too hard to explain. You look great anyway. I really wish you the best through this horrible time and though its impossible to believe, it will lift again xxxx

Hey

I really can't thank you enough for you're kind & thoughtfull words and compliment. It means so much. I'm sorry but it's made me cry and cry that someone could be so kind to me. I've read your posts and know the pain you feel. If we could just say to ourselves what we say to others.

I've just come out of a 27 hour stint in bed an hour ago. I felt paralysed and slept most of the time as the kids came in and out to ask things or check on me.

They did dishes, tidied up, hung up washing and made their own meals, amazing but how can that be right?

I missed my youngest son going to bed, jesus what must it be like going to bed and not knowing if you can say goodnight to your mother? So I went in while he was asleep to kiss him, he woke up for a few seconds and smiled and said "Goodnight Mum" My heart broke. I felt so guilty. I was crying and filled up the barrel for his little water dispenser I gave him last week on his birthday. That's all I've done for him in 27 hours! Why do they never blame you?

I feel the same as I felt when they took me to hospital if not worse but this time I dont have the option of going in. They can't go to their father who now has a new job and there is no one in my family who is able or I could trust to have them so they would end up in care. No way!

This is why when I see the doc on Tuesday I'll have to but am scared to use the childish phrase"Do you want a dead patient on your hands"? S'pose at least I'll get points for recognising I need more help. Especially with going out which I now can't do alone or during the day.

I may have said this before but my doc lowered my diazepam cos I told her I was sleeping alot, but that was only for 2 days, she woke me up with her call and I was so dazed I forgot to mention the 48-72 hour stints I go without sleep. I've had no meds in the last 27 hours either. God I know how to shoot myself in the foot!

It's my 40th birthday next weekend and I have a good friend who has already organised the food, drink and ppl. I wonder at anyone wanting to do anything for me, why? All they get back is misery and madness. Sorry I'm starting to ramble.

All I can say about my pic is, good camera, make up and plenty sleep! But thank you so much again you have lifted my spirits if even for a wee while.

Thank you so much you are a very kind person.

Erica

xxx

PS All I can say about that shrink is throughout the patient and professional community I've never heard a good word about him. I have a friend who was a psyche nurse who had the misfortune to work with him and my SHO in hospital didn't rush to disagree when I expressed my extreme dislike for a man who made up his mind on me in a total of 40 minutes!

[messygirl]

Sorry I made you cry! but you do deserve compassion and a good ol' dose of TLC. You do the same for others in your kind messages. Im guilty myself of not understanding why people can be kind or do things for me when I feel I dont deserve it, but I also dont understand why some people have been so horrible to me so its kinda hard for them or me to win really! It sounds like you have such sweet kids. You may not feel youve done nothing more for your son than fill up a water thingy but its easy to forget that you do something for them in an emotional way every day. Thats what kids pick up on and why they love you unconditionally. (Sorry, Im not a parent, but I can speak from my own memories as a kid, and by watching kids today). Im sure a cuddle and being told you love them means a hell of a lot more to them than the more less important practical everyday things. My mum used to be criticised by even her own family and people butting their noses in just because she didnt feel that ironing our clothes every day was a priority, for example. Shes always had mental problems and sometimes couldnt manage to do the things that other people think are so important, shes the same today. She had to bring me and my bro up alone and had to struggle through some very, very hard times, yet emotionally and intellectually she gave the world. Shes sometimes asked me, 'do you feel your life was wrecked because I didnt iron your clothes? Or didnt feel it necessary to bathe you as a baby every day? Or getting you christened as if its just the 'done' thing'? etc. And I say of course not, Id much rather have the insight, intelligence and sense of compassion youve handed down to me which all my peers seem to lack. Of course I have my own mental illnesses but thats a totally different kettle of fish. I know the guilt will still be there hun and you might feel youve really screwed up a lot, but it doesnt mean youre bad in any way. Its just so exceptionally hard when you have mental illness on top of how hard it must be to be a mum at the best of times. I think some kids are somehow aware if their mum is not feeling well, as opposed to not understanding why for instance, youve been in bed for so long and therefore havent tended to the things you usually might. Your kids seem smart, not just practically but emotionally, and I could be wrong but I wouldnt be surprised if its what youve handed to them. Please dont get me wrong though, I know what its like with guilt and beating yourself up, and if I ever become a parent I would feel even more guilty too. I know its hardly the same, but I feel guilt for the way I am burdensome to my mum because of my problems. She spent years bringing me up and doing her very best, and now Im an adult unable to fly the nest, she has to carry on doing so when she should be free to live her own life. Instead she has to worry herself sick about me all the time.

Stress at the docs certainly doesnt help, so do let us know how it goes on tuesday. I really hope you manage to assert yourself in telling them what it is you need med wise. Im withdrawing from mine at the mo and things are ever so much harder without the right meds. Awaiting an appt with the shrink counting down every day,I know how hard it is when youre desperate for someone to be here there n then. Im gonna write down a few key things well in advance cos Im at my most desperate right now too, and appts. are soooo damn short, aaaaaaaagh!

I really wish you all the best for your 40th. Im glad you have this 'good' friend as you said, (its all too common to call an acquaintance a friend, but with 'good in front of it, that usually says something) he/she obviously cares about you and knows you for you, beyond your illness. Best of wishes, believe me I know how damn hard it is and I know the suicidal feelings continue to eat away xxxx.

ps. Im glad you wrote that about the shrink. It must be just a tad comforting to realise how someone who has really gotten to you personally is viewed negatively by others in the profession too. Makes ya realise youre not quite insane yet, I had a similar experience myself recently) xxx

[smudge]

sorry to hear u feel so down erica, wish i could help u, all i can say is get back to your docs for more support make then understand how much pain your in, your not a bad person your heads in a bad place right now and you need support to get stable again,everyone here wants to help u so keep talking to us, please take care.

:bigarmhug[1]: