@aghhhhh@

[AleBD]

<_<

I am sick of BPD (who isnt anyway).

This is the story.. Last saturday I met this amazing guy. Amazing because he had great conversation and these eyes.. eyes that could neutralize all this excessive anger I have inside.

He has been asking me to see him everyday since we met and I havent felt so calm in months! My 2 ex men have been triggering me like hell. So it has been refreshing to be woth someone who has this great quality to just say "relax" and I feel smooth and calm. I have smiled a lot..

So I thought to myself "this might be a great chance to meet someone who seems like a great prospect, I will NOT scare him away, I will do my best to act normal, I cant lose this chance!"

Well, so long for my wishes.. He said he would come by my house at night so we could have a walk in the park. He didnt come because he had a visit. I said "no porblem". I sounded cold cus I was tired but there was no problem at all! He took it as if I had gotten upset and he came to my house by surprise..by that time I had taken all my meds .

At night I take my antidepressant, 2 mood stabilizer pills, and clonazepan for the anxiety. As u can see, all this knocks me out!

I opened the door looking like a mess and acting like a zombie. I told him to sit down with me outside and I couldnt speak! I was ab to sleep on the floor but I didnt want him to leave so soon. He looked at me strange and in ab half hour he left.

I explained him I had BPD and I had to take all these meds. Before he got into his car I asked him if he was freaked out, he said "a little"

I felt so stupid! Damn disorder, damn meds, damn me! I wrote him an sms explaining but he never answered.

I scared him away so soon. It was such a great begining as friends and si fast I acted like a damn freak.

I AM TIRED OF THIS!!!!!!!!!!! I have destroyed so much around me because of BPD and my constant anger and uncunciousness. ENOUGHHHHHHH!

I hope he talks to me today, he seemed very interesting, but now I know.. I cant act normal I am terrified of myself. I hate myself. I want to hide under the covers

Thanks for reading.

[sunshine_bear]

Hey AleBD

I am sorry things have turned out this way. But it wasn't your fault hun! You explained things to him, which I feel is best and told him why you were kinda out of it. If he can not deal its his problem not yours! If i was you I would text him and tell him if he has any questions to give you a text or call, then just leave the ball in his court and give him some space.

IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!

sunshinex

[AleBD]

Thanks

Why cant I stop feeling like such an idiot?? I keep thinking "I should have done this, done that" instead of acting like a freak.

I am ashamed. :::::

I wanted to act normal so bad.

I texted him last night, but I told him I didnt want to drag him into my problematoc world (another stupid way to scare him away)

Now its all up to him. He is not a main component in my life and if he cant understand, well. what can I do? But the point really is that I am not normal, I will never be normal and I feel very down.

Damnnnnnnnnnnn :angry:

[sunshine_bear]

hun,

Whats normal? We could be normal and the rest of the world not normal.

I am sorry about how things have turned out hun but if someone can not deal then its not your problem hun. Heinsight is a wonderful and awful thing, but what is done is done and there is nothing you can do now. The ball is in his court.

hugs

sunshinex

[AleBD]

Normal would be .. not acting so paranoid. Not thinking everyone want to hurt me. Not having thoughts that might seem too much out of line. Jus the freaking next door boring person who wants to make cookies instead of wanting to kick everybody`s arses.

:unsure:

[sunshine_bear]

I dont know what to say sorry. I just wanted to know i am hearing you. Do you have any support at the moment?

[AleBD]

Oh dear! You are doing great! Thanks for being here, you have been amazing. I just need to let it out.

I know that whatever happens is mean to happen, he can decide if he talks to me again or not.

Its just.. hard to live with this problem. we all feel so worn out ab it.

I have support but its not the propper one.

I might go to a clinic out of the state with better therapists.

Thanks :bigarmhug[1]:

[sunshine_bear]

I am just doing what any one else would hun.

its good that you know that the ball is in his court hun and that its now up to him to contact you. You seem such a terrific and lovely person so it would be his loss hun.

If you get a better treatment out of state then go out of state, it sounds the best thing.

keep your chin up hun

sunshinex

[Faerielight]

when i first met my bf he was really freaked out about my mh cos his ex had bipolar and killed herself.

i thought he'd run away, but luckilly he didnt.. he was so freaked at first to see me out of it on all my night meds but now he says its cute when i get "squiffy"

basically, he may need some time to think about things , but thats shit for you , i know, however, it is hard to hide the bpd, some aspects are easiuer to work on, but there,s nothing u can do about your night meds.

if he's decent , he will understand..

when i did internet dating i got rejected by a few men i liked cos of my mh.. the worst one was a cpn!!

if he doesn't come back he isn't the right man for you as he has to accept you for you warts and all.

I',m sure he's got issues too..

in the meantime though i know how hard it is not to beat yourself up. i wish i had advice for that but im turning rejection from friends inwards so am battling at the moment.

hugs, icy xx

[garbles]

I am sick of BPD (who isnt anyway).

This is the story.. Last saturday I met this amazing guy. Amazing because he had great conversation and these eyes.. eyes that could neutralize all this excessive anger I have inside.

He has been asking me to see him everyday since we met and I havent felt so calm in months! My 2 ex men have been triggering me like hell. So it has been refreshing to be woth someone who has this great quality to just say "relax" and I feel smooth and calm. I have smiled a lot..

So I thought to myself "this might be a great chance to meet someone who seems like a great prospect, I will NOT scare him away, I will do my best to act normal, I cant lose this chance!"

Well, so long for my wishes.. He said he would come by my house at night so we could have a walk in the park. He didnt come because he had a visit. I said "no porblem". I sounded cold cus I was tired but there was no problem at all! He took it as if I had gotten upset and he came to my house by surprise..by that time I had taken all my meds .

At night I take my antidepressant, 2 mood stabilizer pills, and clonazepan for the anxiety. As u can see, all this knocks me out!

I opened the door looking like a mess and acting like a zombie. I told him to sit down with me outside and I couldnt speak! I was ab to sleep on the floor but I didnt want him to leave so soon. He looked at me strange and in ab half hour he left.

I explained him I had BPD and I had to take all these meds. Before he got into his car I asked him if he was freaked out, he said "a little"

I felt so stupid! Damn disorder, damn meds, damn me! I wrote him an sms explaining but he never answered.

I scared him away so soon. It was such a great begining as friends and si fast I acted like a damn freak.

I AM TIRED OF THIS!!!!!!!!!!! I have destroyed so much around me because of BPD and my constant anger and uncunciousness. ENOUGHHHHHHH!

I hope he talks to me today, he seemed very interesting, but now I know.. I cant act normal I am terrified of myself. I hate myself. I want to hide under the covers

Thanks for reading.

Hi, i think maybe he is scared because he has never heard of our condition. How about trying to explain a little or giving him some literature that can give him some idea. We are not monsters, just human beings the same as he is, although we struggle a bit, well shite, alot. It is only ignorance that makes people shy away. Good luck.

[AleBD]

Sunshine , you are a darling. Thanx. Well he called last nite at least.. to tell me he couldnt come visit me last nite (I didnt even know we had to see each other everyday, but in his head he has had this idea, maybe its a good sign).

ivy , you are so right. People need time to swallow things. I act as if BPD was an everyday thing for all, and most people have never heard ab it! I will chill and dont push. I mean what Is the rush? Its just .. I love getting lost in his eyes. He is.. wow. But if he doesnt come back I will stand strong. Its time to think ab myself and healing.

garbles Thanks to you too for your wise advice. I actually explained him and sent him a link ab BPD. Did he read it? I dont know. He can act so caring. I am hoping he reads it and try to understand. I guess he was expecting a regular girl ( he has tolod me he wants to settle down and have kids soon - in general, not necesarilly with me) so Maybe he will be mature enough to understand.

Thanks everyone

[sunshine_bear]

Glad you are feeling better. Let us know if he comes to see you!

sunshinex

[AleBD]

Sunshine

He called me today and we met for some tea. I couldnt wait to see him but I was nervous as how my behaviour would be. I tried to be as quiet as possible. We had a serious talk. We know we like each other and if we put effort we actually can make a nice couple. He didnt mention anything ab BPD or my meds.

I think he doesnt understand what is going on yet. That scares me.

Today I met with my therapist (I decided to go back to her) and made me think I dont have to rush.

I need to heal. With or without any man.

[sunshine_bear]

sounds like a plan AleBD. I am glad you went back to your therapist. Take it nice and slow hun, and I am sure he will fall for you!!!

sunshinex