Dreamer Posted October 21, 2007 Report Share Posted October 21, 2007 It's 10:13 am and I decided to write about my morning so far, {Sorry if I seem to write backwards, I had to back this up in my mind} a kind of "in the life of so and so"...why, I'm not sure, I smoked a spliff this morning, after not smoking any for 2 weeks... didn't have it, I was doing ok...friend of bf came over to pick him up to go help him with last minute moving things...so here I am, by myself until probably 10:15 tonight...such a long time for me, and I am afraid to be the bad gf and voice any concerns about occupying my time for that long but I am however an adult...and I fight with this thought several more times throughout my morning...it's 9:45am, they just left, I sit down for a split second and then the paranoia sets in, probably from the stuff and I am up immediately to rid the house of any dust or odors...I seem to be overtaken by a compulsive, have to do it right now mentality and viciously start cleaning, like Joan Crawford in "Mommy Dearest"...It is now 10:18 am and I have already started to half forget what I have already said, I was on the porch sweeping like there was a speck of something and I just couldn't get it out...sweeping................., and I suddenly realise I am outside. How did I get here? It happens in a matter of moments, I rush back inside to sit at the computer and become a hermit for the entire day, trying to find things to do around the house...What next... I find these thoughts stressful, I feel rather alone and havent felt this way in atleast a a week since the power incident...That's how it happens, Something stressful happens and then I am ok for a few days once it is resolved, then out of the blue my body seems to start reacting to the stress by me sleeping throughout the day, for brief periods and now for the passed two nights I have stayed up almost like an insomniac and I am tired damit! I have slept about 54 hours in two days I'm guessing? I have a habit of taking Tylenol pm's or "placentamol" is what most you guys call it, well I have to take atleast 6 a night and I am scared what it going to happen to my body, but seem to ignore it most of the time and have no emotion at all about it? Emotionless, like it isn't bothering me...I have taken them for years now like like a bad alchoholic would drink and hide their secret, but I CANNOT sleep and I have said this several times at pdoc and only been given Klonopin, which I have been out of for 1.5 weeks and Effexor XR 300mg, which I stopped taking because I wanted to kill myself when I started taking it again, like BAD. I am now taking left over Cymbalta...120 mg I decided to do myself...with no advice from dr. It is now 10:33am and the lines are running together...only got about 11 hours to go without any human interaction.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AndyL Posted October 21, 2007 Report Share Posted October 21, 2007 Dreamer, you are dissociating big time. I'm sure you know what's going on...it's your mind's way of coping with stress. I do it all the time, every time there's even a modicum of stress or conflict. I'm amazed I can remember anything at all.Hang in there. Use live chat if you can. These boards saved me when I thought I had no-one. Turns out there's always someone who will listen and give you his or her shoulder when you need it.One thing you definitely need to do is get back to your pdoc and straighten out your meds. That needs to happen ASAP--and you need to tell him or her how you're self-medicating so he can get a clearer idea of what he needs to do for you. be honest--if he's any good, he'll not judge you. If you feel you're being judged, find another pdoc who won't. You owe it to yourself!Keep at it, Dreamer. You're a good person and you're worth it!Andy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dreamer Posted October 21, 2007 Author Report Share Posted October 21, 2007 Thanks for the raply Andy, I'm no longer stoned and just woke up from sleeping off and on from 11ish to now and it's a little after 4...After writing that I was exhausted and had only been up for a little while, I messed up in my post and meant to say I'd slept about 4 hours, so no doubt why I slept...Still, mid morning and afternoon is gone...I will talk to my pdoc, my Counselor is making a home visit Tuesday. I will talk to her also...she can relay to the pdoc I spose, since I don't have an appt for a little over 2 months... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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