England66 Posted October 22, 2007 Report Share Posted October 22, 2007 Please would someone be able to help me understand a little more what perhaps these things may means There are some things that my Wife would regularly say during our relationship and I never understood the significance of them or what they really meant to her.She often said that she needed to 'live in the moment' and that she couldn't look to the future. What does living in the moment mean if your a sufferer.We had a big bust up after I felt she said something that really hurt me. We didn't speak about it for a few days but When she raised the issue I said I thought she might apologise. I've never seen her so angry and she completely blew her top. I wasn't nasty and I don't understand the reaction. I can't remember my Wife apologising or partially accepting the blame during the relationship and I think asking her to apologise really triggered something. What did I do?Many thanks, just want to try and understand. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dpb Posted October 22, 2007 Report Share Posted October 22, 2007 We are all different and can communicate messages in subtle ways. The best I can do is speculate on what you already are thinking, I dont think that would be helpful. If you have a line of contact with her still and can stomach it, maybe you could ask her what she really meant? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Justine Posted October 22, 2007 Report Share Posted October 22, 2007 Hi EnglandIm sorry to hear that you are struggling with understanding your wife. The problem with BPD is that it makes it very difficult to explain what we mean or to explain how we are feeling. I would suspect that what your wife meant by 'living in the moment' is that she is trying to heal in the here and now, she has no control over the future at the moment so she has to concentrate on what she can do something about. The present is where BPD is hurting her the most, it is now that she is finding life so hard, I can understand what she means by that expression because when i look at my life i think "I can't do anything about the past and the only way i stand a chance of facing the future is to 'fix' the problem as it is presenting itself in the here and now. Its a bit like having a cut on your finger, you cut it and you clean it up immediately to prevent infection, but if you don't clean it up you stand a chance of getting tetanus, therefore to change what will happen you have to deal with the cut finger right there and then so it doesn't influence the future....does this make any sense???Im not very good at explaining things but i do try and i sincerely hope that this helps. Maybe you could read some information from a BPD sufferers point of view, the more information you gather about the disorder the better able you will be to deal with it. I read up on BPD through the link at the top of the forums page called "Our Websites", it details the problems that BPD sufferers have and how they interpret things etc. Knowledge about this disorder is invaluable and i hope you find it of some benefit to your current situation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
England66 Posted October 22, 2007 Author Report Share Posted October 22, 2007 Thanks very much for your replies. I guess I'm trying to simplify a very complex situation and everyone is different.Many Thanksx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dpb Posted October 22, 2007 Report Share Posted October 22, 2007 To me it does sound like you are carrying a burden, the burden of responsibility for the breakup of your relationship. I hope you do see that it wasnt all your fault, that there were two involved and although she didn't want to face up to her part in conflicts, she had a big part to play in them. The way she turned how you felt hurt into an opportunity to vent onto you to make you feel bad distracting attention away from her role at that time which was to console you is a prime example of this. The motivation for that, perhaps a deep sense of emotional pain that demands a care giver at all times, no wonder she felt so aggrieved when the roles were turned in that instant leaving her hanging, or even abandoned. A baby that is dropped will scream until someone attends to their cries. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
England66 Posted October 22, 2007 Author Report Share Posted October 22, 2007 Thank you dpb, that does make sense.Yes I am carrying the guilt and burden and I guess the natural human reaction is to try and make it right, especially as a carer. I know there are always two sides to any coin and I just need to work with my therapist on getting myself to that place.Thanks again Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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