lostsoul Posted January 24, 2005 Report Share Posted January 24, 2005 well here we are - my first therapy appointment is today. i am currently in an 'unmood' but suspect i am descending back down in to depression again after being suicidal on friday night and saturday morning and then upping into happy land for like too long, im exhausted. slept like crap. how can a person be suicidal and planning and then flip to being full of the joys of life? i feel as though i have no integrity. id be happier to just pick a mood and stay there, personally. so anyway. the last few days have been hell and i really dont want to haul myself anywhere, let alone somewhere thats gonna stir it all up again. dunno why i am leaving this message. the more and more i am here the more i feel i should stick it in my journal. just get sick of reading what i leave y'know? yeah claire, we know! stop it! i do find it morbidly amusing however that i am not dead yet seeing as according to me on friday/ saturday i was gonna be by now you just cant take the word of a mental person. well thats learned me! i shall remember to ask her: hey, why am i alive? if she answers with a purely biological explanation, she's dumped. clearly not on my wavelength. even worse if she throws it back at me: hey, why do you think you're alive? she'll get no points for taking that tack. DUMPED! oh dear i can tell this may not go well at all. lost Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostsoul Posted January 24, 2005 Author Report Share Posted January 24, 2005 hey should i do the michael jackson dance when i go in? "i'm bpd, you know it, you know it, i am, and if the whole damn world could tell you right now" shit i cant remember the rest of it. that wouldnt look very good. if i had the dance moves all worked out and then deadly silence after the first line. like an episode of popstars or something. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
calyps Posted January 24, 2005 Report Share Posted January 24, 2005 Maybe you should just wear the one glove...I never seem to be in the 'mood' for therapy when I actually have it, just bloody typical, I suppose. Good luck! Anwen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lauren Posted January 24, 2005 Report Share Posted January 24, 2005 lol, as much as your words made me smile and reminded me of myself in the past, I can tell you now it doesnt help you in the slightest. It is hard enough to get the support we need without hindering ourself's further. So please try and be honest and open and dont judge them to quicklt. They are not god but they are qualified to try and help us. That doesnt make them infallable. Now ive said that I dont see what would be wrong with a little MJ shuffle as you leave the room lol xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostsoul Posted January 24, 2005 Author Report Share Posted January 24, 2005 wow. that went pretty good. i was totally right about not trusting a mental person, but totally wrong about guessing the mood.. its my new game. look yourself in the mirror and in scissors paper stone stylee, guess the mood. if the face looks back stroppy once u've guessed, you'd do well to guess again. if the face looks happy, walk away contented that you have managed to please yourself at least once today. she was really 'safe', alright geaser. really,'on the ball'. i thought it was weird at first watching her roll around the room, but you get used to it lol i started laughing a lot i am still hyper hyper i dont think it went down too well. definitely left her wondering about my sanity. i just thought it was so hysterically amusing that when she asked what SI i got up to i said i bang my head against the wall sometimes. because people say 'oh i'm just banging my head against the wall' but i actually do it it's so frikkin funny it's a metaphor gone wrong. i just started pissing myself anf then tried to explain but it went a bit wrong and she just looked so much like a sheep that had just been told a bad joke. (me and my dad have this thing about sheep's expressions. nevermind lol) anyway. it was cool. we had a chat. she is very stern but i like it its endearing its like being in the army without having to stay. think she can help me. that must be the biggest compliment i can give anyone i reckon. lol anwen - one glove! lmao. i got a story about one glove i will tell ya later. lorna - tee hee. i did the shuffle outside as i lit my self-congratulatory fag. think that counts, just :bum: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lauren Posted January 24, 2005 Report Share Posted January 24, 2005 I am glad that she feels 'safe' Congrats on getting through it. xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyMacbeth Posted January 24, 2005 Report Share Posted January 24, 2005 Ya hoo! You sound much better! I am glad it worked out well. I should give the new T a call she never called me back yet. Keep it up! Love, E Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ginny Posted January 24, 2005 Report Share Posted January 24, 2005 Yay lost!!!!!! Someone that you didnt scare off!!!!! Seriously, I am glad it went so well - I know you havent really been feeling very 'baseline' (if thats the right word) but I am glad to hear you sound like you're on the right track. Good onya for giving it a go!!! keep us informed when you get more out of her - would love you to let us know how its going... Love ya hun - Ginny :wub: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
verbena Posted January 24, 2005 Report Share Posted January 24, 2005 XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (((((((((((((((((Soul)))))))))))) I is happy for you... XX Ann Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostsoul Posted January 25, 2005 Author Report Share Posted January 25, 2005 :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostsoul Posted February 14, 2005 Author Report Share Posted February 14, 2005 well im off to my third session today. im gonna take a copy of what i wrote after the last one, about taking my competent person to the sessions and not knowing who i am. i really dont want to go today. we will discuss my homework, which involved marking out my thought traps, dilemmas and what are the other ones? cant remember i bet i did it all wrong! but hey ho. off later with mike for a valentines sham dinner. we go there every week so its not really any different is it?!! but should be nice im just grateful i have a date lol oooh wibble i have to leave soon. maybe im nervous cos im thinking of dropping the competency? could i? i dont even know if i can. xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
verbena Posted February 14, 2005 Report Share Posted February 14, 2005 Soul, maybe speak to her about being an apparently competent person. I'd be interested in what she says about it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostsoul Posted February 14, 2005 Author Report Share Posted February 14, 2005 yeah i have just printed out a load of stuff i wrote about that in bad day / night after last session. i am gonna talk to her about it, and i will let u know what she says. ty ver xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katherine Posted February 14, 2005 Report Share Posted February 14, 2005 Thinking of you...sending supportive vibes across central london over to you.....hope it went well. Its an important step, telling her, go for it! karie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostsoul Posted February 14, 2005 Author Report Share Posted February 14, 2005 well we talked about it today. i didnt learn much. i dont think therapy is helping me. she reckoned that i should let my mask crack. im just through with this people wanting emotion out of me. how is that therapy? she said there was no theoretical solution to my problems. i feel so unsavable. humph. well anyway. ty karilora for the support and well wishes. xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wisdom Posted February 15, 2005 Report Share Posted February 15, 2005 This was only your third session right? Seems way to early to establish any kind of trust to even be entertaining the idea letting down your walls and defenses. Maybe next appointment ask her if you could slow down with the emotion part. Sounds like you have been hurt by ppl for having let down your defenses........it may not be a good idea doing this until you feel cmfortable in doing so. Talk with the therapist. I do hope you go back. talk to her and come up with a plan. Have you developed a treatment plan with her (goals for therapy)? Your still in the beginning stages................... When do you see her next? I saw my therapist for the first time today. Wis Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Betsy Posted February 15, 2005 Report Share Posted February 15, 2005 lost, I agree with Wis, slow it down, develope the trust and just let little bits out when you can. Don't throw the therapist out with the bathwater though. Hang in there... i think it will begin to make sense. therapy is hard and life is tough.. ((((((((((((((((( lost ))))))))))))))))))))))) bets Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostsoul Posted February 15, 2005 Author Report Share Posted February 15, 2005 ty wis and bets... yeah i know. i am too fast. well im not dropping out but if things dont improve over the next four sessions i will. wis how did ur session go with your therapist? hugs to all xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wisdom Posted February 16, 2005 Report Share Posted February 16, 2005 If I'm givin' my therapist a chance..........you too give yours a chance. Talk to me before you decide not to go and I'll do likewise. Wiz Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostsoul Posted February 16, 2005 Author Report Share Posted February 16, 2005 okey dokey!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kazzapants Posted February 16, 2005 Report Share Posted February 16, 2005 Easy mate, Am so glad I read your posts....for selfish reasons I have to say!! You are the only person I've found who seems to be surfing a wave that if not mine, ain't too far up ahead. Are you in DBT? I'm down for that though, find oout how long the wait is on Friday (got an appointment with therapist again). You sound like me....I'm glad, I can be lazy now, I don't have to find voice my thoughts I'll just read your posts!! Write on Macduff, I is write behind you am stoned...sos if makes no sense XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alexa Posted February 16, 2005 Report Share Posted February 16, 2005 Lost! not spoken to for ages! (I don't think ) I hated therapy at first, suppose I still do in a way, but I see the point to it. I'm not really exerienced when it comes to therapy seeing as I've only had the one longterm therapist, but totally think you should give it much more of a chance, God, think you're nearly as impatient as me! Tc you you you xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostsoul Posted February 16, 2005 Author Report Share Posted February 16, 2005 u u u u u u u u u u u uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu! ha. well yeah it has been a while punk. just off to chat now i wonder if you are there!? kazza - thats interesting what you wrote - glad i have saved you some repetitive strain injury tee hee. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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