Chimpy Posted January 24, 2005 Report Share Posted January 24, 2005 Hello everyone, I haven't been diagnosed with BPD by a mental health professional but I am now convinced that I fall under its shadow after spending a couple of years fighting it and trying to prove to myself that I'm 'OK' - in fact, looking back, that time only further highlights me as classic BPD - looking to others for everything, feeding off them like a parasite, loosing the plot at the slightest change in the status quo, thinking I 'love' someone when all I do is 'need' them to give my life stability, but if they move my very foundations crack and crumble. Argggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Reading the diagnostic criteria for BPD was very much like seeing my mind described in bleak clinical terms to a tee - scary but at first a relief because it made sense of the madness of my small mind. It is good to see I am not alone, and I would love to get to know you all better, and I look forward to not feeling so alone. :bigarmhug[1]: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tory Posted January 24, 2005 Report Share Posted January 24, 2005 Welcome to the site I hope u like it here everyone is great and really supportive. Take care Tory Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katherine Posted January 24, 2005 Report Share Posted January 24, 2005 Hi Chimpy, I understand how you feel. Welcome! lorna Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lauren Posted January 24, 2005 Report Share Posted January 24, 2005 Hey Chimpy, Glad you found us. I am fresh out of bannanas so you can have this instead :bigarmhug[1]: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostsoul Posted January 24, 2005 Report Share Posted January 24, 2005 chimpy, you have much evolving left to do. i think your name is honest and applaudable!!! yey we can evolve together. very slowly. just as its supposed to happen! we have to mutate at first i think and then the rest gets easier lol nice to see you here love lost xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyMacbeth Posted January 24, 2005 Report Share Posted January 24, 2005 Hi Chimpy, Great to meet you! LM :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jo Posted January 24, 2005 Report Share Posted January 24, 2005 Hi Chimpy! welcome to the site glad you found us, you'll never be alone! see you around, tc jo xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chimpy Posted January 24, 2005 Author Report Share Posted January 24, 2005 Hi Lost - you saw a hidden meaning my name that I didn't intend - nice one! I like it... Sometimes I feel like such a child - in the way I react to things, feel, think. I reject so much of what I think and feel as being invalid, stupid, whatever. And just like a child, I look for love, acceptance and validation everywhere. I am really angry at myself right now for spending so many years in denial that there is something fundmentally flawed about me. Friends and family are like mirrors to me - they reflect what is missing at me and I've spent all my life trying to be like them, trying to prove to everyone, including myself that I'm a normal and attractive human being. It's such a distressing feeling to feel so totally flawed. I love other people but I know they can't love me. Sometimes I get so angry inside and blame them in my head, but I know it's just me. i am an 'in' borderline... Would love some friends who really understand and can give me a true reflection of myself... Sorry for all the heavy stuff, I can be funny too- a real cheeky monkey! Chimpy Thank you everyone for your replies Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lauren Posted January 24, 2005 Report Share Posted January 24, 2005 lmao lost. I thought on the first read that you said 'we have to mate first' I was like 'fucking hell gal, your not slow at coming foward are ya? ' lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katherine Posted January 24, 2005 Report Share Posted January 24, 2005 I think thats what is called a Freudian slip...i forget the techical clinical term just now! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paula Posted January 24, 2005 Report Share Posted January 24, 2005 :) hey, im new too Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ginny Posted January 24, 2005 Report Share Posted January 24, 2005 Hey Chimpy!!! Pleased to meet you - Hope you find the site useful - sure you will (and dont mind having too many of us girls around!) Here, I am sure you will find plenty of support and encouragement, and probably make a good number of friends too.... Nice to see you here.. Ginny ;) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktodee_27 Posted January 25, 2005 Report Share Posted January 25, 2005 Welcome chimp! Glad to meet you! Hope you find this site helpful. There are lots of good people here! P.S. Love the avatar, looks like he's getting an MRI or something. :lol: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chimpy Posted January 25, 2005 Author Report Share Posted January 25, 2005 Welcome chimp! Glad to meet you! Hope you find this site helpful. There are lots of good people here! P.S. Love the avatar, looks like he's getting an MRI or something. <{POST_SNAPBACK}> The avatar is a piccy of me! My chin is resting on a giant boxing glove! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chimpy Posted January 25, 2005 Author Report Share Posted January 25, 2005 Hey Chimpy!!! Pleased to meet you - Hope you find the site useful - sure you will (and dont mind having too many of us girls around!) Here, I am sure you will find plenty of support and encouragement, and probably make a good number of friends too.... Nice to see you here.. Ginny <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Thanks Ginny - I am looking forward to making some good friends - and I have to admit I do prefer female company in general anyway :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lille_eskimit Posted January 25, 2005 Report Share Posted January 25, 2005 Eat yer heart out, Chimpy!!! !!! MY FRUITY WELCOME !!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostsoul Posted January 25, 2005 Report Share Posted January 25, 2005 mating, mutating, mating, mutating, oh lets call the whole thing off!!!! i am kinda different to you in that it was OTHER people who spent my life saying there was nothing wrong. so many times i asked for help and no-one came and i was too apathetic or unconfidant in my own assessment of things to go seek help myself. i am a 'need others to facilitate my actions and thoughts' type of person. i mean i dont need to do that with depersonalised stuff like poilitics or religion or what to buy at the supermarket or my plans for social revolution (!) and the murder of several key political figures the world over, but anything to do with me i'm all avoidant. christ knows why. oh yeah, i remember, lack of objectivity. oh i waffle. anyway. my point was supposed to be that many here have come out of the denial you are coming out of and so you should get lots of support and advice in how to deal with your feelings about all this. i wonder if you have seen a psychiatrist yet or your GP about your BPD suspicions? i would love to know more about what you think is wrong with you, why you think others dont love you, whether this is 'real' or a projection you put onto others because you believe you are unlovable. anyway. lots of getting to know you to do, but no pressure. jump in when u ready mate and hey can i just say, nice going to be a guy and from london!! dont think we have a guy from london yet do we? anyway. welcome again. hope you like it here and see you around. hugs lost xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chimpy Posted January 25, 2005 Author Report Share Posted January 25, 2005 Eat yer heart out, Chimpy!!! !!! MY FRUITY WELCOME !!! <{POST_SNAPBACK}> YUM YUM YUMMY FOR MY FURRY TUMMY :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chimpy Posted January 25, 2005 Author Report Share Posted January 25, 2005 I haven't spoken to anyone about my BPD suspicions in my real life - only to people on the net who actually understand that it is possible to REALLY feel this way all the time, and healing yourself with positive affirmations and being kind to yourself don't do shit - sorry, that's a dig at an ex-gf who hated it when I told her how I really felt - my strength of emotion and negativity drained her to the point where she couldn't touch me... But she was spiritually sensitive. I have no idea how to tell anyone else all this stuff, how to actually say the words BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER as a definition of me, because it is so alien to everyone Spoken to my GP about depression - dished out the usual tablets that don't work any more (they did save my life when I was 21, but maybe the false sense of OKness hindered my development because I became dependant on Seroxat)... Anyways, I have never seen a psychologist - do I have to go a bit outwardly crazy first? Like bathe myself naked in red paint and then run down the street with an axe? I don't like my GP. He is smarmy, self-important and loves to give lectures. I feel like a comodity on a sushi conveyer belt when I see him. I think I can't be loved because I don't love myself, and I don't see what I have to offer that anyone would want. In relationships, and mine have all been very short-lived, it always starts well, but I drive girls away with my intensity, neediness, dependency - and they end up listing all the things I need to change about myelf. And they are right cos I am the common denominator. I have always had this dream that someone would come along and make everything ok, but realistically who would want to be in a relationship like that? The thing that I struggle with the most is the feeling of lack of self. Like I have no idea who I am - I have tried to find my identity in other people and to be like them because then people wouldn't hate me. Lemme explain... I was a happy, even arogant kid, up until the age of 10, I had good friends and i thought the sun shone out of my butt cheeks. I took the lead in plays, public speaking etc... But then my best friend's mum died. She was also my mum's best friend - they met in the maternity ward! She was like a second mum to me. I changed almost over night. I developed a stutter, I spent all my time thinking about death... I became a weak and frightened kid. Maybe I have made myself out to be better than I really was 'before', maybe my mind has warped my old sense of self. I remeber being unhappy before 10 too - always felt small and weak, but I was convinced of my intellectual superiority... Then I started secondary school - an all boys school - and I was taken apart - an easy target who couldn't even speak properly. My nickname became 'cabbage' because I was like a retarded, disabled kid apparently. For five years wherever I went at school people would shout my name at me in a spastic style. I had no friends, closed in on myself. Everything I said or did was ridiculed. The few people I have told about this since say they can't understand why I was labelled like that because I am 'cute', 'intelligent, 'normal'... I find it hard to marry up the two conflicting perceptions of 'me' from the outside looking in. By the time i was 15 I had had enough and decided that I had to re-invent myself, because inside I was just rubble. I tried to become somebody people would like. I looked to other people and tried to identify what made them 'likeable' 'normal' 'happy' and tried to mimic so I could become like them. I rejected myself all that time ago, and I have never really known myself since. It's such a fucked up concept it makes my brain feel like's it's gonna burst. I somehow made good friends around the time i was 16 - some still are friends - and began taking drugs - started with pot, moved onto speed, pills etc - got more and more hardcore, and it became clear my fragile personality and sense of self couldn't handle it. By the time I was 18, I lost the plot on acid - but only internally. I tried to cover it up... It was like my brain split in two and the few things I thought I held true about me slipped into the resulting abyss - that I WAS intelligent, I WAS a good person... Afterwards, I felt like nothing... A hollow black hole with no certainty of mind... A feeling that has rarely gone away. I was at uni by this point and incredibly depressed, just wanted to lock myself away - felt like people could see how fucked up I was... ... I still feel disconnected now and find it so hard to connect with people. I also feel inherently evil - like I am a parasite feeding on those around me, and I also feel huge resentment and anger towards the people close to me because I am basically jealous of them and I feel so flawed in comparison... But I keep it all in mostly because even though I push people away - I am in avoidant mode right now and go out by myself to kill time and avoid having to be around happy housemates, friends etc - I don't want them to abandon me, and I want them to still be there if I want or need them.... But I didn't tell anyone what happened, I even carried on with the drugs, hoping it would 'all be ok' and I would 'enjoy it again'... Kept having bad episodes, feeling less and less like I was any kind of real person... Worst experience found me knee deep in mud at Glastonbury convinced everyone was trying to kill me... And university ended up a nightmare for me - my friends began hating me and I ended up virtually alone, beating myself up for fucking up 'the best days of my life'... I'm getting really frustrated because this isn't coming out right and it looks so pathetic in words... Since leaving uni I moved to London to do a journalism course... where I levelled out a little bit, pretty much finally beat the stutter... and have worked in the media since then, moved to Britsol for 2 years to work for a PlayStation 2 magazine. That's when things got really bad. Before moving back to London last year. But maybe that's for another day if anyone wants to know. Sorry this is so long and rambling... IT'S SO FRUSTRATING THAT I CAN'T EXPLAIN THINGS PROPERLY!!!!!! I want to say everything at once but everything comes out wrong... Chimpy xxxxx mating, mutating, mating, mutating, oh lets call the whole thing off!!!! i am kinda different to you in that it was OTHER people who spent my life saying there was nothing wrong. so many times i asked for help and no-one came and i was too apathetic or unconfidant in my own assessment of things to go seek help myself. i am a 'need others to facilitate my actions and thoughts' type of person. i mean i dont need to do that with depersonalised stuff like poilitics or religion or what to buy at the supermarket or my plans for social revolution (!) and the murder of several key political figures the world over, but anything to do with me i'm all avoidant. christ knows why. oh yeah, i remember, lack of objectivity. oh i waffle. anyway. my point was supposed to be that many here have come out of the denial you are coming out of and so you should get lots of support and advice in how to deal with your feelings about all this. i wonder if you have seen a psychiatrist yet or your GP about your BPD suspicions? i would love to know more about what you think is wrong with you, why you think others dont love you, whether this is 'real' or a projection you put onto others because you believe you are unlovable. anyway. lots of getting to know you to do, but no pressure. jump in when u ready mate and hey can i just say, nice going to be a guy and from london!! dont think we have a guy from london yet do we? anyway. welcome again. hope you like it here and see you around. hugs lost xx <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lauren Posted January 25, 2005 Report Share Posted January 25, 2005 Hey, You think thats a bad explanation? Cant wait to see you on a good day! Kids are cruel, at least as cruel as adults. I to got hooked on drugs due to being so unsure of myself as a teenager. By the time I was sixteen I was hooked on coke. Begging, borrowing and stealing to fund my habbit and that of those that where supposed to be friends. You are intelligent that is clear for all to see. You dont look at all like a chimp so that is one more positive.... I am certain we will keep on finding more as well as we get to know you. Tc xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chimpy Posted January 25, 2005 Author Report Share Posted January 25, 2005 hey, im new too <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Two newbies - great to see you here :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chimpy Posted January 25, 2005 Author Report Share Posted January 25, 2005 Hey, You think thats a bad explanation? Cant wait to see you on a good day! Kids are cruel, at least as cruel as adults. I to got hooked on drugs due to being so unsure of myself as a teenager. By the time I was sixteen I was hooked on coke. Begging, borrowing and stealing to fund my habbit and that of those that where supposed to be friends. You are intelligent that is clear for all to see. You dont look at all like a chimp so that is one more positive.... I am certain we will keep on finding more as well as we get to know you. Tc xxxx <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Thank you Lorna. Would love to hear more of your story sometime... Imight not be hairy but I can do a brilliant chimp impression!!!! :sofa: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostsoul Posted January 25, 2005 Report Share Posted January 25, 2005 you really dont need to feel as though you must bash your head against a wall to explain things adequately here. people just 'get' your drift cos they genuinely have experienced the same things. they can fill in any gaps. i tend to over explain things myself and always feel as though i am not making my point. i think this can come from simply having a lot to say, seeing lots of connections, and frankly just intelligence. i joke with some people here that intelligence is one of the bpd's biggest curses, but there we go. it benefits us in some ways so its not all bad. i am sorry those things happened to you. it must have been really hard and i think you should be proud that you have held things together for so long so well without any help. i mean i know you will feel you have not, but you are still here and kicking and now looking for help and advice - this is all such overwhelmingly positive stuff. so go easy on yourself. you obviously have lots to offer and that is a great place to start - so ok, some big creases need ironing out, but you will iron some of them now, if not all of them, with the right help. it really is good to have you here. i can tell i am going to like getting to know you better hugs lost Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Susanna Posted January 25, 2005 Report Share Posted January 25, 2005 Hi Chimpy!! I'm even newer than you! The newest newbie ever in the world of new newbies even! (ok, think I've taken the new thing just as far as it will go....sorry!). But I can totally relate to the things you've said. On so many levels it's scary. Anyway, hope we can talk more in future...great to meet you...(and everyone, by the way!) love, Suse xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chimpy Posted January 26, 2005 Author Report Share Posted January 26, 2005 Hi Chimpy!! I'm even newer than you! The newest newbie ever in the world of new newbies even! (ok, think I've taken the new thing just as far as it will go....sorry!). But I can totally relate to the things you've said. On so many levels it's scary. Anyway, hope we can talk more in future...great to meet you...(and everyone, by the way!) love, Suse xxx <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Hi Susanna - great to meet another newbie! Wow, I'm amazed the you could relate with what I wrote so heavily - makes me kinda happy in a strange way because my words connected with someone. That's one of the most distressing things - I find it almost impossible to make real connections with people or to be on a level with them. I see friends most days, but feel panicky cos I know i can't really tune in... Thanks Susanna Chimpy xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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