Tory Posted January 26, 2005 Report Share Posted January 26, 2005 Hi, What you wrote makes sense and i can relate to some of it. I hated school and when everyone said its best days of your life i thought that life wasnt worth anything and was just totally awful. Since i left school i realised its not best days of your life! I havent made it to uni yet. I find it hard to believe my bf loves me a lot of the time i dont love me and dont see how he can. Thme and him to have an even remotly normal relationship tho, (its still pretty weird and unconventional) before i used to b totally dependant on him. (i am now a bit but not totally) You will hopefully find someone who it works out with and who can try and understand. If you want to see a psychologist then your dr should refer you, just try and explain stuff to him or see another dr! Everyone here is really supportive and i found that people here understand stuff that other people dont. Other people think i talk amasing rubbish but people here totally understand! You seem to be settling in great and i hope u like it here. Take care tory Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chimpy Posted January 26, 2005 Author Report Share Posted January 26, 2005 I guess it's just I have everything in my head and it's just questions that lead to more questions and more questions without ever reaching a concrete answer. So I have always been like a boat with a broken rudder - just circling without naturally progressing. Sometimes I feel like such a child compared to my friends and work colleagues - I did read a fascinating article intimating BPDs are emtionally trapped children with adult intellects. Rings very true for me. But it's very painful to think of myself in those terms. I'm beginning to see that people here can more than empathise which is great. I've never found a board that is so'right' for me... Never quite fitted into any depression boards. It's really good to be here and I look forward to getting to know you, and everyone else well. I think I am going to use this thread as my personal space to rant and rave and tell more of my story That's if nobody minds Chimpy xxx you really dont need to feel as though you must bash your head against a wall to explain things adequately here. people just 'get' your drift cos they genuinely have experienced the same things. they can fill in any gaps. i tend to over explain things myself and always feel as though i am not making my point. i think this can come from simply having a lot to say, seeing lots of connections, and frankly just intelligence. i joke with some people here that intelligence is one of the bpd's biggest curses, but there we go. it benefits us in some ways so its not all bad. i am sorry those things happened to you. it must have been really hard and i think you should be proud that you have held things together for so long so well without any help. i mean i know you will feel you have not, but you are still here and kicking and now looking for help and advice - this is all such overwhelmingly positive stuff. so go easy on yourself. you obviously have lots to offer and that is a great place to start - so ok, some big creases need ironing out, but you will iron some of them now, if not all of them, with the right help. it really is good to have you here. i can tell i am going to like getting to know you better hugs lost <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lauren Posted January 26, 2005 Report Share Posted January 26, 2005 Hey, What ever makes you feel comfortable and to settle in. Only thought on that is that this forum has less 'traffic' then others. But if that doesnt bother you then go for it xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chimpy Posted January 26, 2005 Author Report Share Posted January 26, 2005 Hi, What you wrote makes sense and i can relate to some of it. I hated school and when everyone said its best days of your life i thought that life wasnt worth anything and was just totally awful. Since i left school i realised its not best days of your life! I havent made it to uni yet. I find it hard to believe my bf loves me a lot of the time i dont love me and dont see how he can. Thme and him to have an even remotly normal relationship tho, (its still pretty weird and unconventional) before i used to b totally dependant on him. (i am now a bit but not totally) You will hopefully find someone who it works out with and who can try and understand. If you want to see a psychologist then your dr should refer you, just try and explain stuff to him or see another dr! Everyone here is really supportive and i found that people here understand stuff that other people dont. Other people think i talk amasing rubbish but people here totally understand! You seem to be settling in great and i hope u like it here. Take care tory <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Hey Tory I think you are very lucky to have a bf who loves you, and I hope you will learn to believe him in time. I will have to try and get to see a psychologist - it's a scary prospect too, especially as I am terrible at talking about myself. Always steer conversation towards other people. Someone who I shared a house with for a year said to me the day I moved out, 'You are such an enigma. I feel like I don't know anything about you.' I really like it here! Thank you everyone for beingso friendly, understanding and kind :wub: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostsoul Posted January 27, 2005 Report Share Posted January 27, 2005 yeah keep on writing about your stuff. its interesting to read it cos you write very well and it is insightful - i especially liked the 'boat with a broken rudder' comparison. it gave me nice visuals!!!! hugs lost Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ginny Posted January 27, 2005 Report Share Posted January 27, 2005 Yeah - go for it Chimpy. I'm all ears... Ginny ;) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chimpy Posted February 10, 2005 Author Report Share Posted February 10, 2005 Chimpy's back I've been feeling like a big bubble for the last week or two - feeling pretty good but also aware that as my feelings grow inside me they will eventually reach a critical point and burst. I hate that I can't achieve a stability of mood. Now I feel so negative about everything and disconnected from everyone I know. I feels to me like I am separated from everyone by a glass partition - they all lead normal lives, enjoy stable happy relationships, succeed in their projects, are like 'real' people - while I feel all fucked up and as if all these things are unatainable. It makes me feel so sad, but I also take a sick pleasure from being fucked up. I can feel all my BPD traits right now - so much anger inside that I just want to punch people because I am jealous of them and the way they infer my inferiority - i can feel the swirling void inside me if i look down inside myself and I know that as soon as work ends and I have time to think about it I will sink down to the place where questions ping off the sides like pinballs. I'm scared. I look forward to nothing - everything is doom and gloom. I want sunshine, I want love, I want security, I WANT TO BE LOVED! I WANT TO LOVE MYSELF! I WANT TO BE A REAL PERSON! I WANT TO BE SAFE! I DON'T WANT TO FEEL SO CRUSHINGLY ALONE INSIDE MYSELF! I WANT TO BE UNDERSTOOD! I DON'T WANT TO FEEL LIKE A CHILD ANYMORE! I WANT TO MAKE PROGRESS AND HOLD ONTO IT AND NOT ALWAYS END UP BACK IN THIS PLACE! I WANT TO HURT EVERYONE WHO HAS HURT ME SO THEY KNOW HOW MUCH IT FUCKING KILLS! I WANT TO SMASH EVEYTHING WITH A BAT! I WANT TO ADD TO THE FRESH SCARS ON MY LEGS! rant over Chimpy xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lauren Posted February 10, 2005 Report Share Posted February 10, 2005 (((((chimpy)))) we are here with you. xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chimpy Posted February 10, 2005 Author Report Share Posted February 10, 2005 (((((chimpy)))) we are here with you. xx <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Thanks Lorna I feel really alienated from everything right now - it scares me when everything makes me feel bad and gives me no pleasure. I hate being weak and inadequate and hopeless. And more than anything ashamed - I think back over my life and it just feels so empty and worthless and pathetic. Arggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh So wish I could be happy being me but feels impossible Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chimpy Posted February 10, 2005 Author Report Share Posted February 10, 2005 I hate that I wrote all that stuff... Why do I have to feel like this? I want to be somebody else. I feel like that most days. There can be nothing worse than rejecting yourself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lauren Posted February 10, 2005 Report Share Posted February 10, 2005 come work,play and learn with us. Its all a learning journey, sometimes we slip of the path onto the grass banks. But we are here to pull each other back onto steady ground again. tc xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pinklady66 Posted February 10, 2005 Report Share Posted February 10, 2005 :) you are not alone. most of us have bpd. Welcome anyways.. :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chimpy Posted February 11, 2005 Author Report Share Posted February 11, 2005 I feel like I am constantly going round in circles - I reach a peak but then the weight of everything hanging around my neck drags me back down to the lowest point again. I'm so tired and so hopeless. I spend so much of time wondering what is going on in other people's heads and what it must be like to be them- it's so not healthy but I can't stop myself. My life seems so dull, empty and uneventful compared to everyone else's. I can feel my life slipping through my fingers like sand and it scares me, and makes me reproach myself for being to weak and unfocused to pursue what I want. But then I wonder - what do I want? All I know is that I want to be loved, wrapped up in someone I love's arms, where nothing can harm me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chimpy Posted February 11, 2005 Author Report Share Posted February 11, 2005 I am finding it impossible to live in the meantime - I am really hurting. I read an article about 'lovesickness' recently and it struck very close to the bone. I became close to an ex-gf again over the summer and fell in love with her again - she would say she loved me too. Eventually I told her how I felt and she said it broke her heart that we could not be together because she didn't want to destroy me. We carried on being friends but she gradually distanced herself from me more and more until we fell out - she said she had to cut out friends in her life who drain her. fair enough I guess, but I still feel heartbroken even though nothing actually happened. I know she is gone forever, and with her any hope, security and happiness I had :( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tory Posted February 11, 2005 Report Share Posted February 11, 2005 ((((((Chimpy))))) It wont seem like it now but you will find someone else. I was totally besotted with a best friend i had. He is wonderful and eventually after everyone told us me we were perfect for each other i asked him ect and he said no he told me i was his best friend and we were way to close for anything romantic. We are still good friends but i seen him have so many different gfs and hes not who he was and i glad now i not another on his long list of ex gfs. Also i am now in love with someone who loves me to (even though i dont believe he does most the time) and its so much more then what i felt for my friend. At the time i thought i would never love anyone other then my friend but i do! Give it time and u will find someone who loves u as much as u do them! And you have loads of people here to talk to if u want to! Broken hearts hurt so mcuh but they do recover. Take care Tory xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bear0146 Posted February 11, 2005 Report Share Posted February 11, 2005 Always seems like it's gonna last forever - yeah . Good ole 'Black Dog' . You have a talent for insight m8. In that I have confidence Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chimpy Posted February 11, 2005 Author Report Share Posted February 11, 2005 Thanks m8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chimpy Posted February 11, 2005 Author Report Share Posted February 11, 2005 I don't know what to do. I feel so shit and empty and hopeless. Am at work and just can't keep still. This world we live in seems like bullshit to me. I'm scared and lost and feel like crying. Self-pitying weakling that I am Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tory Posted February 11, 2005 Report Share Posted February 11, 2005 :hug2: You are not a weakling. Everyone gets scared i do loads. You are strong to of got this far alreadly. You are not hopeless. Things will get better again even tho it doesnt seem like it. People are here who care about you and want to help. You are doing well to be at work. It will get better you are a wonderful person and u will b ok. Take care Tory xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chimpy Posted February 11, 2005 Author Report Share Posted February 11, 2005 Thank you Tory - the same applies to you. I wish I could believe the things people say about me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostsoul Posted February 11, 2005 Report Share Posted February 11, 2005 chimpy. you write what i feel. u poor bugger. chin up dude, like in your photo. you gotta be ready for the next punch! hahaha. seriously though, you wrote a few lines back up there somewhere, that you want to progress and it scares you that you're not progressing, but then when you really stop and think what it is u want to progress with, you draw a blank. im exactly like that. i decided last night to become a nihilist. then you dont have to try to care about anything anymore. i know its a defence mechanism. im so frikkin tired of caring. i want to cut out my care. oops maybe i better go i was gonna give you a motivational pep talk, but i appear to be affirming that life is pants. i'll come back and inspire you when im back from bpd land. thinking of you honey. it be ok... love lost xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tory Posted February 11, 2005 Report Share Posted February 11, 2005 Thank you Tory - the same applies to you. I wish I could believe the things people say about me. <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Yeah its hard! You could try posting in other forums too cos more people might read it then and it may b better suited then intro forum but its up to you. You need to try and believe that u are a wonderful person! :hug2: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chimpy Posted February 11, 2005 Author Report Share Posted February 11, 2005 chimpy. you write what i feel. u poor bugger. chin up dude, like in your photo. you gotta be ready for the next punch! hahaha. seriously though, you wrote a few lines back up there somewhere, that you want to progress and it scares you that you're not progressing, but then when you really stop and think what it is u want to progress with, you draw a blank. im exactly like that. i decided last night to become a nihilist. then you dont have to try to care about anything anymore. i know its a defence mechanism. im so frikkin tired of caring. i want to cut out my care. oops maybe i better go i was gonna give you a motivational pep talk, but i appear to be affirming that life is pants. i'll come back and inspire you when im back from bpd land. thinking of you honey. it be ok... love lost xx <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Lost - sometimes it's nice to have someone share their feelings too and enjoy some empathy rather than motivational pep talks we all find hard to truly believe. I know what you mean about becoming a nihilist - I often think about joining the Germans in The Big Lebowski! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chimpy Posted February 11, 2005 Author Report Share Posted February 11, 2005 Someone please take me out of this hell hole... I just can't do this any more Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostsoul Posted February 11, 2005 Report Share Posted February 11, 2005 i love that movie. mike is the dude - he looks a lot like him. has the blue dressing gown and the hair and the belly. and the drug habit lol bunny is great... i'll **************** for a hundred dollars. if brett watches it has to be a thou. (the dude)... i'll just go find a cash machine! and... 'theres a beverage here, man!!!' anyway. try to hold on hon. as long as there is the dude its a world worth living in. xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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