2 Year Girlfriend Diagnosed

[gpone]

Ok guys, here goes.

I have been in a relationship with a girl that i love for over 2 years now. We started off being good friends and sharing a lot of interests. We just generally had a really good time. it wasn't until we started being intamate that i realized some weird behavior. Classic symptoms of borderline...like when i would go out after work with a friend , she would call me non-stop telling me sarcasticly "i hope you're having fun".. and getting me down all the time about how i may have a drinking problem. For the most part she was very caring and would meet all my emotional and physical needs. (cook dinner, come out with me, meet people) than she started just making every exuse in the book as to why she didn't want to go grocery shopping, out to dinner, anything. she would just want to lie in bed and watch tv.. and even when i conformed and was with her she would accuse me of not hugging or kissing her enough.

She has been real bad as of late, and has opened up to me and admited all her problems and fears of abandonment, which really confused me because if a tiny arguement would lead to her wanting to break-up and 30 minutes later she would call with appologies and tell how much she loved me..

so recently she has been seeing doctors and been making a real effort to change, her doctor was incompotent and so she felt helpless and went to the emergency room. now she is in a great stay in clinic and is under good care. She is so ashamed of this and keeps telling me she doesn't know how i could stay with her.

The real reason of how i could stay with her.. is because 1) I LOVE HER 2) i know she doesn't mean or do these things on purpose 3) i could never face the pAin of leaving someone in a time of their most needs.

am i realastic to think this is something that we can both live with and adapt to, or am i setting my self up for many years of abuse?

thank you all so much

[garbles]

Ok guys, here goes.

I have been in a relationship with a girl that i love for over 2 years now. We started off being good friends and sharing a lot of interests. We just generally had a really good time. it wasn't until we started being intamate that i realized some weird behavior. Classic symptoms of borderline...like when i would go out after work with a friend , she would call me non-stop telling me sarcasticly "i hope you're having fun".. and getting me down all the time about how i may have a drinking problem. For the most part she was very caring and would meet all my emotional and physical needs. (cook dinner, come out with me, meet people) than she started just making every exuse in the book as to why she didn't want to go grocery shopping, out to dinner, anything. she would just want to lie in bed and watch tv.. and even when i conformed and was with her she would accuse me of not hugging or kissing her enough.

She has been real bad as of late, and has opened up to me and admited all her problems and fears of abandonment, which really confused me because if a tiny arguement would lead to her wanting to break-up and 30 minutes later she would call with appologies and tell how much she loved me..

so recently she has been seeing doctors and been making a real effort to change, her doctor was incompotent and so she felt helpless and went to the emergency room. now she is in a great stay in clinic and is under good care. She is so ashamed of this and keeps telling me she doesn't know how i could stay with her.

The real reason of how i could stay with her.. is because 1) I LOVE HER 2) i know she doesn't mean or do these things on purpose 3) i could never face the pAin of leaving someone in a time of their most needs.

am i realastic to think this is something that we can both live with and adapt to, or am i setting my self up for many years of abuse?

thank you all so much

Sorry to hear that you are both experiencing the lovely side of a BPD sufferer. You have obviously gone to a lot of trouble of learning about this condition and that tells me immediately that you are a kind and sensitive person and can see more than just yourself. I can tell you that you can adapt to accommodate this problem, but boy it's going to be hard, and yes probably many years of abuse, unless she is very lucky and gets the proper help to overcome and be able to live with this without self destruction. Do you, after reading this think that you would be able to cope. I think you would otherwise you would not be doubting yourself. My hubby may disagree with you, after having lived with me for 20 years, but it did not manifest itself until about 10 years into our marriage. So you have to make your mind up whether you love her enough to stay thru the bad times, but hopefully they won't all be bad. The illness tends to peak and troughs. She is very lucky to have someone so understanding. I wish you both all the luck in the world.

[stinkyboy]

Ok guys, here goes.

I have been in a relationship with a girl that i love for over 2 years now. We started off being good friends and sharing a lot of interests. We just generally had a really good time. it wasn't until we started being intamate that i realized some weird behavior. Classic symptoms of borderline...like when i would go out after work with a friend , she would call me non-stop telling me sarcasticly "i hope you're having fun".. and getting me down all the time about how i may have a drinking problem. For the most part she was very caring and would meet all my emotional and physical needs. (cook dinner, come out with me, meet people) than she started just making every exuse in the book as to why she didn't want to go grocery shopping, out to dinner, anything. she would just want to lie in bed and watch tv.. and even when i conformed and was with her she would accuse me of not hugging or kissing her enough.

She has been real bad as of late, and has opened up to me and admited all her problems and fears of abandonment, which really confused me because if a tiny arguement would lead to her wanting to break-up and 30 minutes later she would call with appologies and tell how much she loved me..

so recently she has been seeing doctors and been making a real effort to change, her doctor was incompotent and so she felt helpless and went to the emergency room. now she is in a great stay in clinic and is under good care. She is so ashamed of this and keeps telling me she doesn't know how i could stay with her.

The real reason of how i could stay with her.. is because 1) I LOVE HER 2) i know she doesn't mean or do these things on purpose 3) i could never face the pAin of leaving someone in a time of their most needs.

am i realastic to think this is something that we can both live with and adapt to, or am i setting my self up for many years of abuse?

thank you all so much

I don't have any advice for except to say i wouldn't date or get close to someone like me and i am a classic borderline. My only hope for a serious relationship with a woman that could of any hope of making it would be for me to get hooked up with someone worse off than me. Then i would look pretty good to myself. God i'm sick. Good luck dude. I think it pretty much comes down to how much do you really love her and are willing to put up with her stuff. steven

[Dreamer]

I have been w my bf for over 7 years now and he has certain bpd issues also, among other mental issues, and the best advice I can give you is what I gave myself, don't take things personally<<<< If you can do that, I think it's a good headstart...I pushed mine away I don't know how many times, it takes a lot of patience and understanding on both parts, which it sounds you are very understanding...I wish you luck and commend you for sticking by her Just take it one step at a time, that's all you can do...take care

[Lily-Bee]

I think it can be done but yes its hard.

I also think its a really good sign your GF is willing and able to work on herself, that will make things easier for the both of you.

We can´t predict the future of course so wheter this will work out with her or not we can´t give garantee´s on that...........

Maybe it would be of use to both you to in time have councelling together so you can work on having a stable, good relationship.

Good luck!

Lilly

[gpone]

I want to thank you all for the kind words..

Before i learned about this BPD i thought that she was just a plain old B*tch. but in, seeing the patterns of her moods i knew it was something beyond her control. She would always tell me when she was of sound mind " i need help", "i don't want to hurt you" and so on. Now i don't know if this is a BP's way of saying Don't lave me or it is a genuine call for help... but the fact the she sought help for herself and took it as far as checking into a facility shows me that she acknowledges her problem , and really wants to change. now the reallity of her changing is still a mistery to me, but the fact that she is so frustrated and knows sh has no controll is a good inicator that she really is sorry for most her actions in the past...and possibly the future.

what i would love most out of this is to gain a long time friend of whom i can help..(as a friend) but i am not sure if this is possible with this didease.

[erica67]

Ok guys, here goes.

I have been in a relationship with a girl that i love for over 2 years now. We started off being good friends and sharing a lot of interests. We just generally had a really good time. it wasn't until we started being intamate that i realized some weird behavior. Classic symptoms of borderline...like when i would go out after work with a friend , she would call me non-stop telling me sarcasticly "i hope you're having fun".. and getting me down all the time about how i may have a drinking problem. For the most part she was very caring and would meet all my emotional and physical needs. (cook dinner, come out with me, meet people) than she started just making every exuse in the book as to why she didn't want to go grocery shopping, out to dinner, anything. she would just want to lie in bed and watch tv.. and even when i conformed and was with her she would accuse me of not hugging or kissing her enough.

She has been real bad as of late, and has opened up to me and admited all her problems and fears of abandonment, which really confused me because if a tiny arguement would lead to her wanting to break-up and 30 minutes later she would call with appologies and tell how much she loved me..

so recently she has been seeing doctors and been making a real effort to change, her doctor was incompotent and so she felt helpless and went to the emergency room. now she is in a great stay in clinic and is under good care. She is so ashamed of this and keeps telling me she doesn't know how i could stay with her.

The real reason of how i could stay with her.. is because 1) I LOVE HER 2) i know she doesn't mean or do these things on purpose 3) i could never face the pAin of leaving someone in a time of their most needs.

am i realastic to think this is something that we can both live with and adapt to, or am i setting my self up for many years of abuse?

thank you all so much

Hey

God how I wish my boyfriend had been like you but he completely abandoned me and called me all the names under the sun including evil bitch, which was by no means the worse thing he called me. He seemed to care nothing about the various abuses and traumas that had brought me to bpd and called me nasty and twisted on numerous occassions and many other things i couldn't repeat on this site.

I'm not going to pretend it's easy to live with someone with bpd but you sound like a great bloke and as you say you love her, that matters so much though she may not believe it a lot of the time.

The road to recovery is long and hard and I guess it's your choice but stick in there. It could pay off in the end.

I hope her diagnosis now means she will get the help she needs and at least explains her behaviour for you.

Erica

X

[gpone]

I guess the hardest thing for me is her breaking plans and trying to put the blame on me.. we can have plans for a week and when the time comes.. boom there is an exuse as to why she can't go . so most times i am eating dinner at a diner by myself. i can take the abuse.. but i don't get how a spouse or partner of someone can't see when someone is hurting, especially when they make you cry in front of them.

[emmylou_1985]

I am really bad for doing that. My husband also finds it really hard to cope and understand why I break plans. For me (this is just me - really can't say why your partner does it) I at first feel confident or maybe sometimes pressured into some plans (dependant on the situation) and when it comes to it I freak, I get nervous, anxious, my confidence goes out of the window completely and I just cannot bring myself to follow through with what my husband and I had planned, from going out with friends to just going to the shop. BPD moods are hard to handle and cope with, whether you are the sufferer or the close family/friend etc.

I have asked my husband to talk through the plans with me when they are first made, and when it it coming up to the day for when we made the plans, he will approach me again. Then before we go through with them. It is all about reassurance for me, it maybe like this for your partner, although don't quote me on it. Sometimes it is hard for me to tell how much I hurt people because I don't feel important enough or worth enough for people to even care what I say or do.

I hope you both get the help and support you need. It really sounds like you deserve it. Take care. Em xxx

[gpone]

See, I can see and understand that. but when it comes down to it. I know she sees that i am hurting. i physically tell her i am, and how important it is to me, but i still get a "so what" type answer. it's hard to register weather its the BPD or her just saying "who cares about you" because thats what it feels like.

I understand what the issue is, but it constantly leaves me in a state of Limbo.. if i don't follow my plans , i just feel bad for her and myself and end up sitting there getting "just go if you want".. and if i do i get " i can't believe you would leave me hre alone"

[emmylou_1985]

I know that those types of comments are part of BPD.I say them nearly daily. I am sure she does care about you. Our sense of abandonment is irrational. My husband was in tears yesterday because of what I put him through, saying exactly what you just said in your above post. I can really understand your situation. It must be really hard for you. What does she say if you talk about it when she is calm or when things are ok between you?

I don't know what else to say other than I hope things get better for you both. Em xx

[gpone]

ya know.. it's different every time. some times she agrees and says sorry, sometimes she tells me that im over reacting. i really am stuck.. I feel i cant live the rest of my life like this, but i do love and care about her. every time i point these things out and explain what she has done she will agree and be sorry... but than the next day. same thing.

I don't get it .. if you touch a hot fire .. and get burned BPD or not ... woul you touch it again?

[Faerielight]

i think it has a great chance of working out between you both because you obviously have a deep love for each other , she is in treatment and you are both communicating.

I am in a healthy loving relatoionship with my partner and i have really put effort into changing some of my bpd traits cos i want to heal and i dont want to hurt him.

i'm doing pretty well really and my bf says i have never hurt him and that my mental health doesnt adversely affect him.

for me, things changed when i was hospitalised.. i had such good therapy when i was in and then i got a grat psyc nursde who has stabilised me on meds which help enourmously and she has been helping me heal.. i still have a long way to go, but i'm moving in the right diection.

best of luck and hope you find it helpful here. hugs, ivy x

[gpone]

yes you people are very helpful. i find it a waste of time to type in a non-bp forum... because i would rather have first hand info from people who live it. not vice a versa..

I am very understanding and sypathetic to everyone, which one day i may find is my greatest strength/weakness

[Faerielight]

i hate non bpd forums.. my ex best friend used to go on them and she started calling herself a "non"".. i found it horrible .. a "them and us" mindset.. bpd ers can have many wonderful characteristics and that idea dehumanises us.

its good for you to learn how to put boundaries out though with your gf and not to tolerate disrespect or abusive behaviour to protect yourself.

They are probably stabilising your gf on meds in the clinic so im sure that will help her be a lot more balanced.

you sound like a lovely person.. she is lucky to have a great partner like you! hugs, ivy x

[gpone]

*Blushing*

she has qualities that i have never seen in any other woman.. she has a solid state of character which in my opinion makes some of the low points tolerable

[erica67]

*Blushing*

she has qualities that i have never seen in any other woman.. she has a solid state of character which in my opinion makes some of the low points tolerable

A bpd sufferer can take 2 paths - a solitary life, bothering no-one but yourself and not conflicting or transffering pain on others. Lonely but less guilt.

Or:

Try to have a relationship or relationships and make them work, maybe causing pain to another person until such times as you can get the illness under control. Then still there's a strong chance maybe it'll come back and bite you both on the ass.

A Hobsons Choice.

I guess I just want ppl to see it from this side.

It's no party

Erica

X

[AleBD]

I always apreciate the partners who come in here looking for help and information to cope with their loved ones. We are really tough to stand. You need to be patient. I am glad you love her so deeply.

She might try to push u away over and over (I have done it and now I am very alone). Be strong. Many things she cant control. If she is willing to work on it you are on the right path. Might be a long way but it will be worth it!

Hugs! :)

[purple rain]

I guess the hardest thing for me is her breaking plans and trying to put the blame on me.. we can have plans for a week and when the time comes.. boom there is an exuse as to why she can't go . so most times i am eating dinner at a diner by myself. i can take the abuse.. but i don't get how a spouse or partner of someone can't see when someone is hurting, especially when they make you cry in front of them.

You shouldn't have to 'take the abuse'. This will damage your own self-respect and will ultimately lead to stress and depression. No love is worth abuse. You need to set limits so that she knows what you will and will not accept. Have you read 'I hate you - don't leave me' by Jerold Kreisman and Hal Straus? It has very concrete advice on how to handle interactions with a person with BD when they are becoming frightened or angry (and abusive). You can get it via Amazon. Good luck!