Sh Scars & Questions **trigger**

[Paris]

I've been lucky, the majority of people who have spotted my scars react by pulling up their sleeves and showing me THEIRS.

I actually got chucked off a teaching degree for self-harming. That was horrible discrimination and I wish I'd fought more. They told me i might be a danger to children FFS. It's all because of the Clothier report - the report that was produced after Nurse Beverly Allitt killed those kids in hospital. Because SHE self-harmed the government recommended that those who self-harm should not be teachers or nurses.

On the rare occasions people want to know about them, I say they are associated with a bad memory, a non-specific accident and I don't want to talk about it. We are all allowed some measure of privacy after all.

There's a hell of a lot of self-harm in the music scene. Show me a singer songwriter and 75% have some kind of self-harm history. Self harm in the form of words must be very tricky to hide - say you used to be a Punk or something!

This is exactly the reason I lost my PIN no as a nurse, they used the Beverley Allitt case as an example which is so ignorant!! If anyone asks me about my scars I just say I cut myself- they usually dont want to ask much more!! If kids ask me however I lie and say silly me i fell over!!

[kib0ne]

Its shameful when people look but Im not usually ashamed of it until people stare n make me feel abnormal. x

The shame's on them for being so fucken rude and ignorant. I'd go swimming wiv you *splash*. When was that your bro saw?

[{Paperdoll}]

usually i just tell them the truth, and if they can't handle it it's their deal

[miexmiex]

I have three clearly visible scars on my upper forearm. I wear long sleeved shirts or sweaters all the time, but it's still surprising that no one has seen them yet. I'm sure some people at work have noticed (I have to wash dishes as well) but I still do my best to hide it. I don't know what I would do if a family member ever found out. It's bound to happen sooner or later, but I really try not to think about it.

[ravenna]

Ive had someone that i just started working with like a day or two before come up to me, while i was cleaning a machine and just bluntly say..."you really cut yourself?" talk about shocking...i dont think i really replied just kinda grunted and went on working... I also had a customer asked what happened to my arm i just said nothing really there just old scars.

One of my co-workers was a bit more tackfull and asked nicely and more out of concern if i was trying to kill myself or just cutting myself... i said the last..and she then shared her own stories..

I usually just say that they are old scars and leave it at that.

[kib0ne]

Voyeurs or what.

[coastalbaby]

One of my replies is that it's less selfish than smoking. Another is why do you feel you need to know? I lost a teaching job in 2002 when they found out I used to sh- Occ. health said I had low self-esteem and would never make it as a teacher- despite the fact that I'd been doing the job successfully. The guy saw me for 1/2hr and none of that was watching me doing my job! Never heard of that report- how stupid. Like recommending all smokers go on the dole because once upon a time a smoker murdered someone.

[nobody]

Only a handful of people have ever asked me about them - these have generally been tactless idiots as mine are pretty obvious. When i start working somewhere new i'll only wear long-sleeves until i feel comfortable enough to brave someone seeing them. I first cut my arms when i was 11 (before that i used to punch walls), i'm not ashamed of my scars (sometimes a bit embarrassed depending upon the situation) if any-one asks i say that they are from ages ago, when i was about 14 - this usually makes them sheepish and apologetic that they asked.

To me my scars just show people that i've been through a lot, and i think that if you've been there, you're going to be a lot more understanding of some-one else in that situation. I suppose in part i'm proud, not of the actual scars, but what they represent, and the fact that i DID survive and make it though those times. If i see scars on someone else i'm glad that someone has the guts to not care about showing them, after all it doesn't mad you a bad person, just someone who finds things though sometimes. I recon it's "not" talking about SH and pretending you can't see any scars is what drives the subject underground and makes us feel that we're lesser humans for it. There has been a lot more press around Self Harm in recent years so at least the general public more aware of the issues surrounding it.

[carolina]

I always tell people it's self harm and I have had nothing but support. No one has ever treated me differently as a result.

Only thing that can get a bit annoying is that they can sometimes ask too many questions. I try my best to explain it to them as I think it is important people understand the many reasons why some people will self harm. However there are some people who ask more perverse questions such as 'whats the worst thing you've done, or how many stitches was that? I don't really see the point on answering those type of questions.

[Benway]

hi, i have mostly inner wrist scars, so i wear those now kinda fashionable material wristies - emo kind, with cherries or hearts or something like that on to match my outfit.-sporty ones if im exersing. (sp)

if its a classy occasion, very rare, i wear a good quality concealer over them-the palest is best as the skin in there is paler. you can get a decent concealer sick in the body shop.

in the summer i would wear a tank top with a net or floaty top over/under

and on a 4th date, i might let them be seen, and tell the truth. but i have not dated in 4yrs.

if i dont wear wristies, i wear bangles.

on one occasion i have put a big sprain type bandage on my left arm and let on to have sprained it!

i agree there are many times when ya meet someone and they have them too.

thanks for welcoming me into the community.

annemarie

[Samara]

I just ask if they've ever tried having unprotected sex with a porcupine! Shuts them up real quick

[kib0ne]

Bah ha ha ha ha ha, that's well funny and can imagine it does shut em up pretty quickly.

[denise24]

Im in a darts team and we have to wear short sleeved tops, at first i wore a long sleeve jacket with it, but it gets too hot so I thought sod it!! One of my team asked what had I done, and before I had chance to answer another one piped up with "oh she self harmed" I felt so stupid!

I just wish people excepted it more and didnt judge so badly.

[Shellybelly]

i sh well yep quite obvious atm too

and at physio for neck yesterday had to take off jumper

which i HATE doing so self consious in just top with no back or sleeves

and had cut on arms and physio woman ask oh what happen you arm

did you cut it first though SHIT and lied and said oh friend got kitten

and was playing with it lead her into big conversations on cats and kittens

while i was freaking out lying face down on the bed and just wanted her to shut up

so i felt guilty ashamed bad stupid uguly horribe when asked and was glad to finish that session

hugs ya

mickey

[SKyler1311]

Mine are really bad on my lower arms and wrists, and it is really obvious what caused them, as I tend to hack myself in a frenzy when I cut, I tend to use my stomach and leg now as I don't have much un-scarred skin left on my arms, in my last decent job, we used to have a friendly after work life, and if we were sat chatting in someones house and someone asked why I'd be honest and tell them. A girl I was close to once said why on earth do you do that to yourself, and I just replied with the truth, they where people I knew well enough by then to tell the truth.

[foreverborderline]

I have had that question many times and I usually say I had a fire in my house and cut up arms smashing through window,

it is a tough thing, never know how to respond, and now I have even more scars from multiple crisis this week..

[trash]

i have scars all over my body so most of my friend and family know about it.

ive been asked quite a few times in the past, to some i just say i used to self harm, which is a lie but it saves from more questions. to some random people in the street, i tell them its personal.

but on the whole, not many people ask, i do get alot of stares though if i have scars on show.

[mermaid]

i'm not ashamed of my scars

To me my scars just show people that i've been through a lot, and i think that if you've been there, you're going to be a lot more understanding of some-one else in that situation. I suppose in part i'm proud, not of the actual scars, but what they represent, and the fact that i DID survive and make it though those times.

I agree. Although I have only had a couple of relapses it's been about 4 years since I stopped SH. My scars aren't too clear at first glance, it helps that i am very pale but when the summer comes and my skin gets darker and my scars don't I wonder if people will comment.

To me my scars are beautiful. I don't know if that's an odd perseption or not. But they are a reminder of a bad time in my life and although it was bad and i am near the end of my journy through it I don't ever want to forget where I once was. All through the bad times I kept strong and I am fortunate enough to be one of lifes fighters and survivors. To me my scars show that I can get through anything and they leave me with the reminder that I should be greatful of that and not take life and the good times for granteed. I supose too that i am proud of them and myself.

[yorkiegal73]

I don't have a problem with strangers seeing my scars. They can think what they like. Each of my scars represents a difficult time that I have managed to come through. They are survival scars not self harm scars.

However, I would never tell my Dad or my elderly neighbours about it. I don't know if it's a generational thing but I really don't think they'd understand.

[modestlysuper]

Hi everyone

Recently I started a new job with the 'normal people'!! I have oldish scars on my arms including the word DIE and am dreading the moment when I am asked what are they and worse maybe directly asked if they are from SH.

I wear long sleeves to work to cover them, but have to pull sleeves up to do dishes or help bath the residents, so cannot keep them covered all the time.

Ok, my first post, so give me some slack (I almost made a really bad accidental pun there). I don't have any scars myself, although I've done light SH cutting/scratching in the past. My two cents though is that 1) Given the nature of the marks, if people ask, they probably already know the answer, and they're just looking for you to give them affirmation that "you are/have been a cutter." 2) What matters more than the answer itself is how you present yourself in these situations. By invalidating their questions/concerns (people above have described how), you tell them non-verbally that the scars aren't important. The stronger you resist that notion of importance, the less people will include the scarring in their image of you as a person. Best of all, the less emphasis people put on your scars, the more you'll be able to push them aside in your own self-image! (This applies to pretty much anything, not just scars)

In case you want to know, (disclaimer) I've been studying Goffman's writings on face-work (he's a famous sociologist), so I took some of his ideas here. I'm big on sociology b/c it describes not just what goes on inside, but what goes on when a person interacts with the world. Ok done.

[gun_747]

To be honest I don't know,

I'm a diabetic so I don't heal well...so a lot of my scars don't go white but stay bright pink for years...and because of the amount on both arms its kinda obvious...if people ask what they were I know they ask because its obvious that its SH so I prefer to not answer the question by hiding my SH, if I do it...I do it and say nothing to no one and move on...afterwards I apply my own first aid if necessary, wear long sleeved stuff...this summer I wear long sleeved light jumpers.

But because its obvious that the cuts are from SH, if asked I just say...I hurt myself and I don't wish to talk about it...its my business no one elses

[Collette]

What amazes me is that complete starngers ask about my arms... nosey buggers.

I dont cover up at home because that is my safe place, even if we get visitors, i dont see why i should hide them at home.

My husband hates it if i dont cover up, so i sh on my legs so that he doesnt have to see them.

[yorkiegal73]

Have any of you tried the scar reducing patches they sell at the chemists or bio oil? Do they work? The patches are quite pricey but if they work it would be worth it not to be stuck in long sleeved tops all the time.

[kib0ne]

I've used silicone patches after surgery and they worked AMAZINGLY; I usually suffer with hypertrophic scarring and the patches prevented this, I was left with a really flat white scar as opposed to an raised, itchy, red/purple one. I would highly recommend them and the gel and they are available on prescription too .

[skylace]

I havent had anyone ask about my scars for a long time, mainly because I always wear long sleeves - not great in the summer months when everyone is in vest tops and Im sweating my tits off!! There have been a couple of occasions where I have had weird looks from people which I have found uncomfortable.

My Mum who used to SH works in a shop and has had numerous people ask her what the marks are on her arms (its bloomin' obvious). I dont understand how complete strangers can be like that - I would NEVER go up to someone and ask because its none of my business!!

RE: Bio Oil - was going to post a thread on this asking the same question. I have a small(ish) bottle of it - seems to have faded some of my smaller scars down - although I have a memory like a sieve and dont use it everyday so it has the potential to be good. I think it depends on the type of scar (it did bugger all for my raised ones!!). Oh, and while Im on this topic - those bloomin' Bio Oil adverts are sooooo annoying!!