Susanna Posted January 25, 2005 Report Share Posted January 25, 2005 Hi! My name is Susanna, I've been diagnosed with BPD...been waiting (and waiting etc..) for some kind of help in any form, and pretty much received nothing. Every GP I've seen seems to treat me with benign amusement, if not actual disdain. Some have even suggested it's all in my mind, which really helped!! I've spent the last 7 years on just about every medication going, some helped, some didn't and some even made me suicidal (as if I wasn't already!). I'm now on a 2 year waiting list for psychotherapy, and just about at the end of my patience. No one seems to understand or care about what it's like trying to get through every day just 'being me'! If I had diabetes, doctors would be falling over themselves to help. But BPD is so widely misunderstood, or appears to be. I sometimes feel like I'm the only one in the world who feels like this and I bounce back and forth between feeling fairly 'normal' to feeling almost completely insane - sometimes to the point where I'm frightened I'm going to just 'lose it' and do something outside of my control. My head just seems like a dangerous place and I really shouldn't go in there without adult supervision! Yet, for the most part I've managed to hold it together, mostly by developing a 'mask' that I wear almost constantly. But it's such a struggle that I feel exhausted with my life and sometimes wish I could just 'disappear' and not have to deal with this stuff anymore. I'm just wondering if any one out there recognises these feelings? Or am I the only one? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jo Posted January 25, 2005 Report Share Posted January 25, 2005 Hi susanna! welcome to the site glad that you found us. sorry to hear bout your probs with the nhs, waiting lists grrrr! you'll find lots of support here, its easy to just want to disappear and try and forget it all, but just post whenever you're ready! see you around, tc jo xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
verbena Posted January 25, 2005 Report Share Posted January 25, 2005 Susanna, I agree with your statement "if I had diabetes, doctors falling all over themselves to help". I've often said the same thing, adding alcoholic, gambling adict, cancer, etc. I was actually told there was no therapy available for me - period. It was hopeless, just terrible for a while, then my gp referred me to a place that really is interested and able to treat me, and though like you I dread the falling back into the pit part, I am feeling much, much better and now that I am on meds, maybe there is no reason to think it won't last. Take care, XX Ann Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Betsy Posted January 25, 2005 Report Share Posted January 25, 2005 Susanna, I loved "my head is a place I feel like I shouldn't go without adult supervision." Humor seems to be at least one of your coping mechanisms... mine to. Sorry about your 2 year wait but maybe being with others that understand will be some help. WELCOME to BPDWORLD and acess to some of the nicest most understanding and caring group of people you'd ever want to meet. bets Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Susanna Posted January 25, 2005 Author Report Share Posted January 25, 2005 Wow! thanks SO much to you all for the quick replies! I'm really grateful and you have no idea how great it is to finally find somewhere where I can meet people who understand and are going through the same feelings and emotions. I'll definitely be making this a regular haunt (you'll all be sick of the sight of me before long ) . It's great to meet you all, hope to talk to you all properly very soon. Take care, Suse x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katherine Posted January 25, 2005 Report Share Posted January 25, 2005 Hi Susanna, Welcome....Two years wait?????I'm speechless.....Glad you found the site. lorna Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Susanna Posted January 25, 2005 Author Report Share Posted January 25, 2005 Lorna, I know! And in the meantime, my GP treats me like some moany malingerer who just needs to give herself a good shake and get on with life! Thankfully, I've found you guys!! Over the last few weeks I've felt myself 'slipping' slowly into a place I didn't want to go...and even in just the few hours since I found this site today...I've felt so much better! Not to feel alone is just such a relief... It's just horrible that so many people like us are left out in the cold, feeling like we're either mad or just attention-seekers. It makes me quite mad really - so few GPs are even aware of BPD, far less able to recognise the symptoms or give a diagnosis. Thank god for sites like this! B) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktodee_27 Posted January 25, 2005 Report Share Posted January 25, 2005 Welcome to the site Susanna! I recognize these feelings too Susanna and how bout a to you since it sounds like you have been through a tough road. I bounce from normal to completely insane multiple times in the day, so I know how that one goes and sometimes I want to dissappear myself due to all the pressure. And, "Don't go into your head without adult supervision...." I've heard that before having used to have gone to a lot of AA and NA meetings myself and I love that phrase! Sometimes, it's harder then we think to completely avoid that one at times though, but we just try our best to get through the storm and let it pass I guess even if it's the pits. Talk about masks too! I've been doing that gig my whole life too especially with people I don't know or I have to maintain control around to get through stuff. I still do it to this day even throughout being treated for 7 years, psychotherapy and all myself and in a group placement. I'm going to be starting some inner child work too pretty soon since it was suggested to me. Maybe that will help with the masks and the bpd and abuse I went through as a child to put closure on it. It's an interesting theory, so I'm going to test that out for myself since nothing else has seemed to work to completely get rid of the pain and exhaustion on my part yet. I read an article on the internet too that it helps people with bpd since most of our behaviors are driven from our inner (or former) child self in this theory, and we have to nurture the child. I see the environmental side of this issue too but I don't know if this would be something that would help with what you are facing and whats happened in your life along with the bpd. ' Well, take care, Katie.xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Susanna Posted January 25, 2005 Author Report Share Posted January 25, 2005 Katie hello! and thanks a million for the hug (even tho I haven't worked out how to use the sodding smilies yet..duh). I'm not even at the roadsign that leads to the path that points PSYCHOTHERAPY - THIS WAY yet (but still following the bloody yellow brick road, just in case!) but I'm really self-aware, and have read lots about BPD and am totally open to just about anything at this stage. Really interested to hear your comments about inner child work though - its still all pretty alien to me, but I've read enough and contemplated enough to recognise that most of my problems stem from childhood abuse (both sexual and physical) so I suspect that it might be relevant to me at some stage too. You know, I am almost completely overwhelmed by the things I've read, and the experiences I've seen, not to mention the welcoming response I've had in just one single day on this forum. I feel like I've come home! So thank you all! You all have been so great! Bless you! xxx Suse xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tory Posted January 26, 2005 Report Share Posted January 26, 2005 Hi, Welcome to the site! I hope u like it here. take care Tory Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostsoul Posted January 28, 2005 Report Share Posted January 28, 2005 hi susanna sorry i was days late replying to your intro. hope to see you around the site you sound real nice... hugs lost xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
star Posted January 28, 2005 Report Share Posted January 28, 2005 hi Susanna welcome to bpdworld look forward to reading your posts Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Susanna Posted January 29, 2005 Author Report Share Posted January 29, 2005 Hi lostsoul and star - thanks for the welcome and hope to speak to u both soon xxx :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Susanna Posted January 29, 2005 Author Report Share Posted January 29, 2005 oh and sorry! hi Tory! :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyMacbeth Posted January 29, 2005 Report Share Posted January 29, 2005 I realized I never welcomed you....sorry about that Welcome to BPDWORLD!!!!!!!!!!! LM Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MargaretB Posted January 29, 2005 Report Share Posted January 29, 2005 Hi Susannah and.......... Nice to meet you. You'll find lots of support here and friends. See you around site. Love, Magsie x Hey Lady M that pic is fab! :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wolf-Spirit82 Posted January 29, 2005 Report Share Posted January 29, 2005 Welcome to the site, i am a bpd as well, rest assured there are quite a few of us so I am sure that you will find plenty of support here. That 2 year wait is harsh, i have to agree about diabetes, yet the stigma is still hanging around mental illnesses, yet a fair amount of the time it is people in our shoes that need the greater amount of help, so post here when you need support, i joined end of last year and it is great support knowing their are others with my illness. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Susanna Posted January 29, 2005 Author Report Share Posted January 29, 2005 Hi to Lady Macbeth, Magsiebee and Wolfspirit, and thanks for the welcome! It's great to know I can come on here and meet other people who understand how it feels to struggle with BPD, even just on a day to day basis. Friends and family try to help but unless you're in that place it's impossible to understand. I don't even understand my behaviour myself half the time so how can I expect them to! But it's just such a relief not to feel alone anymore. x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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