"just Get Over The Past"

[Stezzy]

One of my friends said to me that I shouldnt keep raking over past hurts and I should just accept the past is done with and I am where I am now. I don't believe it's anything near as easy as that otherwise there wouldnt be so much pain in the world, but it did upset me a bit. Is there such a thing as dwelling too much on the past when it can't be changed? I feel in so much pain about my childhood so how do I just forget it and move on? I'm really confused about it now. Any thoughts on this? xx

[Vorpalblade]

no it isnt that easy.

i "forgot" about my past for 10 years only for it to come bite me up the bum in a major way 8 yrs ago

[Marchmadness]

Hey -

Have to deal with the past! The only way to process things and

work through the pain. If it were as easy as just getting over it -

many of us would not be in the pain we are in today. No not

easy, takes hard work, but you are worth the hard work.

March

[mazer34]

I keep getting this thrown at me too,"you have to get over the past" ! My past is hell from shit relationships to loosing my baby daughter who sadly died so how can people simply get over it all ? Its insensitive for people to say that,if you could, you would get over it. :(

[Stezzy]

Hugs Mazer and others.

I think people who make those kinds of comments clearly haven't experienced a tough childhood/life and have no idea of the impact it has. My ex hubby was the same - he kept saying that because I was with him I should be totally happy and over the past. He couldnt accept that it just doesn't work like that. In fact he got quite abusive when I didn't get over the past so he had his own issues as well..hence him being my ex.

[Warrior Princess]

The reason you just can't 'get over it" is that every event of your past shapes how you approach or think about things in the future. We are conditioned, trained, programmed etc by life experiences so if those experiences include trauma and torment, that is what causes us to react to things in our present. It is not a simple matter of getting over those trauma's becuase they are deeply ingrained into our lives and shape the person that we are. That's why they need to be addressed and basically 're programmed' from the source of the trauma on up.

Simple example. Your see a snake in the bush while out walking... it scares you so next time you're out walking you are cautious and wary. There may be no snakes there but you are still on the look out for one. You see a stick on the ground and you immediately react, fight flight response kicks in, adrenaline rushes. You might run, scream or even panic. It's an instinct reaction built into you because of your past experience.

Now picture this... you've never seen or heard of a snake in your life. You see the stick. No reaction.

Would it be sensible to tell person number one to just "get over" seeing the snake? Of course not. The brain has built in a defense mechanism to help keep you safe from snakes. It's actually a good thing because it protects you. The fight/flight that so often kicks in for the Borderline and other trauma victims is there to protects you from circumstances that the mind feels is unsafe or dangerous. The reason your mind reacts the way it does is self protection from those past trauma's. It's not a concious thing you think about or can just 'get over' it"s deeply imbedded into the very core of your unconsious self. that's part of yourself that you just can't control. It can be accessed through therapy and other methods but as Yoda says "you must unlearn what you have learned young Jedi"

Paine.