Lauren Posted January 27, 2005 Report Share Posted January 27, 2005 See, I find it really hard to get my head round this. I know the logics but I just cant make it stick. How can I turn around and call my parents abusive when I can also clearly recall good times. It feels like to remember and talk about the bad times im fully invalidating the good times they gave me. There was momments where they did seem to care even if not love me. Why do I STILL feel the need to protect them? Or maybe im protecting my feelings? God, this screws with my head big time. xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ginny Posted January 27, 2005 Report Share Posted January 27, 2005 There IS no such thing as fully functional family...... my Doc told me this and I believe her.... so I guess everybody has their good and bad times..... just to varying degrees unfortunately.... Ginny :blink: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lauren Posted January 27, 2005 Author Report Share Posted January 27, 2005 What im trying to say is that I feel so awful calling them 'bad' parents and remembering a whole heap of crap when I also remember good times. Its like a thought of something bad will come into my mind but I automaticaly invalidate it by recalling so many good things as well. Its like my brain wont let me accept that they where abusive. Because I was so conditioned to just take things due to my mother being so unstable ive allways got a ready excuse for her. Like she couldnt help it she was abused as a child. But then it gets harder as my son gets older and I KNOW that I could never intentionaly hurt him. I know that I would do ANYTHING for him. I need to accept who she was, who they where if im ever going to let go of the things that are still holding me back. Like im not so bad its ok to punish me to make others feel better I dont constantly have to forsake myself for others That I do have good qualitys etc etc etc GRRRRRRRRRRR Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lauren Posted January 27, 2005 Author Report Share Posted January 27, 2005 Well donne me, ive set myself of now into thinking mode lol. Facts: I know that my mother convinced me that I was bad and that a storm was going to take me away I know that she let a family friend sexualy abuse me for years in the hope he would punish me enough that god thought id been punished enough. I know that she often made me into the mother from about 9 years old, with her repeated half hidden suicide notes etc I know that she often lashed out with punches and slaps when she reacted badly to a simple word I used such as the word stressed often sent her flying into a rage I know that my father knew what was happening but preferred to ignore his wifes problems and let me take her on instead of himself I know my dad in frustration at constant rows at home beat me a few times and did things like hang my brother over the edge of a big drop in our garden I know my mother used to make us eat insects and salt and vinegar etc as punishment I know my brother was out of control and would often chase me around the house with knifes or chuck chairs at me But for each of those things I have ready made excuses for them. Just going back over what I have said so far ive excused my father by saying he was frustrated I have excused my mother by saying she was abused her self I excuse my mother as she had post natal depression after my brother that was never treated I excuse my father by saying he was scared of my mother I excuse my brother as he was just a child and had ADHD When do the excuses stop and there responsibility begin? Where am I allowed to get angry and say it wasnt right? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostsoul Posted January 27, 2005 Report Share Posted January 27, 2005 i have similar issues lorna. i was only on the phone to my mum saying this kind of stuff to her a couple of days ago. she says she has no guilt because she was 'sick' and couldnt help it. for years i have felt the same, had sympathy rather than contempt, blame and hatred. but the truth is she could of gotten help. she had choices. she didnt take them. she decided to carry on as she was and we suffered as a result. that is not good parenting. although my mother did a lot of good stuff too, its not enough to justify the bad stuff. sure i can appreciate it, but it does not excuse the bad stuff. i say stop making excuses. as you have said, you do not do this stuff to your kid, so there IS a choice. you dont have to go on to repeat your parents mistakes with your own kids. you are proof of that. on the other hand where does bitternes get you. maybe its not so much about how you feel, but more about just knowing the truth. i dunno. thats all i can think to say. its just how i feel. lost xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doctor Dysphoria Posted January 27, 2005 Report Share Posted January 27, 2005 What im trying to say is that I feel so awful calling them 'bad' parents and remembering a whole heap of crap when I also remember good times. Its like a thought of something bad will come into my mind but I automa <{POST_SNAPBACK}> That really hit home Lorna! It would be so much easier to take if our parents were all bad or all good . It really f***s with your head. The confusion and guilt because you think of all the bad times and yet you know good times also happened. Other peo[ple have told me umpteen times how toxic my mother can be and at the time she's in full toxic mode it makes sense to cut her out of my life but then i remember she can be good and was good in between all the bad times/bad things done and the guilt of thinking of cutting her off weighs heavy on my mind. Apologies if that doesn't read very well .Just thinking about it has slightly scrambled my brains or should i say scrambled them a bit more! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Betsy Posted January 27, 2005 Report Share Posted January 27, 2005 Lorna, i think that our brains yearn to think that we had a good childhood. we dont want to admit it was so screwed up. we have always taken on the responsibility for outcomes in the home so it's easier to think it wasnt' all bad. The fact we can recall some good does not negate the mountain sized pile of bad that is laying in our back yard. i think what you are doing now is a step in the process..STEP. you will at sometime in your therapy have to recognize and accept that you were abused and there is nothing that can change about that. just because you exonerated all the people involved for one reason or another doesn't mean they didn't do, doesn't mean that it wasn't abuse, doesnt mean it didn't hurt you, doesn't mean that you are at fault. keep going girl and you will get through it. you have a good start. bets Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ginny Posted January 27, 2005 Report Share Posted January 27, 2005 I just want to say one thing that helped me get through the last few years. I had a terrible childhood (wont talk about it now) but I think I have come to a good conclusion that works... NEVER excuse them for what they did - they did it. FORGIVE them for what they did - you cant change it. But it will make a hell of a difference to your life - it doesnt mean you will forget, but it helps to be able to move on with acceptance. Sorry if this sounds patronising - it isnt meant to be... but it worked for me. Ginny :wub: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lauren Posted January 27, 2005 Author Report Share Posted January 27, 2005 Think I forgave without ever being angry though. Allways been full of excuses for them, but not any for my own behavior. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyMacbeth Posted January 27, 2005 Report Share Posted January 27, 2005 Ginny, thats good advice. That is what my "second mother" told me to do. She also had a very abusive childhood but she is in such a better place now for it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lauren Posted January 27, 2005 Author Report Share Posted January 27, 2005 I have/I think I do. But its not a good balance. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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